Tis Better to Give...

You know how there are times when you hear something for the first time and then suddenly it is everywhere you look? Certainly it couldn't have always been there. I am keen, and observant, if it were floating around out there so loosely and unabashedly then I would have heard it long before now. Right?

OK, well this happened with the story called "The Gift of the Magi". Around here we watch a lot of Disney movies and specials. A few weeks ago, Disney started their holiday plug and now they shamelessly and mercilessly play all Christmas, all the time. I happened to catch a very special presentation of "Once Upon a Christmas", which is a collection of short story videos. One of which is a story about Mickey and Minnie trading presents called "Mickey and Minnie's Gift of the Magi". I thought the story was touching but I thought nothing more of it. Then, last week, Luke's MDO sent home a newsletter with a section dedicated to the retelling of "The Gift of the Magi". Weird. And then this week, on Glee, my Glee friends also referenced "The Gift of the Magi". Three times in as many weeks. I got the hint. So I looked up the story. And I was moved. Here is the Cliffs Notes version (in my words):

A young married couple are very much in love. They are excited about Christmas and the gifts they will get each other. The girl has long, beautiful hair that is her prized possession. The man has a pocket watch that has been in the family for ages. In essence, they both have this one thing that they cherish. Well, the young man gets a 30% salary decrease right before the holidays and the savings have gone dry. However, both still long to get their love the most meaningful present in the world to show their thanks and love and appreciation. The young wife wants to buy a chain for her husband's beloved watch. But to buy it, she must cut off her lovely hair to sell it to make wigs. She does this willingly. The husband has found his wife the most lovely tortoiseshell hair clips to adorn the hair she loves so much. But as payment, he has to sell his favorite heirloom, the pocket watch.

Both people sacrificed the thing the thing they valued for the one they valued most. It was a sacrifice gladly made. It was a selfless act that ended with both understanding the depths of the other's love. It was the gift that probably started, "it was the thought that counts". The actual gift was useless, but the thought was priceless.

I loved this story. It touched my heart. It is a time of recession and money is tight. I know this is true for me, but also for my family. And Christmas often turns in to how much to buy within what spending limit. I love that these two fictional people got it right. They bought their gifts with the motivation to show love and bought them with a price so selfless and sweet. This season is about the people you share it with, in person or in spirit.

So, I am sharing this story in case some one else out there hasn't heard it. But maybe I'm the only one. It does seem to be in the culture zeitgeist and I was too unaware to catch it before now. Anyway, let this story speak to you and move you.

Voice of Truth

It seems like it has been a while since I added my two sense on this
blog page, and I have missed it. Since my last post I have had so much
life happen. My schedule this semester keeps me moving and shaking and
without much time for anything that would be considered leisurely or
fun. Thankfully, my semester is nearly over and I can taste the fresh
air in my lungs that will come with getting to stop and breathe again.
It has been a long journey to becoming a teacher but the road is
becoming so much shorter and brighter. I have to remind myself to keep
on keeping on.

Other things have been happening as well. I have put my fragile heart
through the ringer. It has survived, but I do admit that it still
hurts. Opening yourself up to relationships and trusting others means
making yourself vulnerable and risking getting hurt and disappointed.
Is it better to guard your heart and never have it known? Or to open
it up and let someone all the way in? I don't know what is best but I
know that I am one of those latter people who lives with her heart on
her sleeve and her emotions on her face. So I tell you all that I have
been really sad. And mad. And hurt. This week I have been flirting
with anger and frustration. I have felt deep emotions in response to
being in uncomfortable waters and uncontrollable situations. This too
shall pass.

But then a crazy thing happened. I started to pray. And not for this
thing or that thing, but for God to just do His thing. I didn't want
direction but a revelation, of who He was and what He was making me to
be. In every persons life there are moments when we decide what to do
and be. We choose to be happy in pain, to rejoice in sadness, to keep
trying when it gets hard or to listen instead of talk. I have decided
to stop trying to force my will and be a willing participant of His
instead. Its going to happen anyway, so why fight it?

Lately, I have felt more of a peace about the things that are going on
inside and outside of me. I wouldn't say that I always love them, or
like them, but I have found a space where I can relax and let them
just be. Not looking for a way out but seeing what there is to see
within them and through them. I would say it has helped. I I want to
know what tomorrow brings and where it will take me. But I can't. I
just know where I am today and, if I am asking, where I am meant to be
today. If I focus on that, and take baby steps, then I will end up
exactly where I am meant to be.

These things I think I need, I don't. I always seem to get exactly
what I need. So if it isn't coming, its because I don't need it. At
least, not right now. This is a hard lesson. Especially for this type
A girl. But I am telling you this to say that I am feeling confident
in my future and the path I know I am on. I am meant to be here and I
sense it is leading me to something big and wonderful. Now I just need
to trust that and enjoy the process of getting from here to there. I'm
trying. Day by precious day. To be in THIS moment. Right now. Not
reliving yesterday or hoping for tomorrow but finding the treasures in
the present.

Listamania12.0

It is techinically Thanksgiving Day, and I am unable to sleep. Part of that reason is because I took a 3 hour nap today, and the other part is the fact that I can't stop thinking about everything I am thankful for. Thanksgiving is about expressing gratitude afterall. It is a day for food, fun and family. And it is a celebration of the good things in our life. I can think of know other more appropriate list, on this day of thanks giving, than a list of all the things I am thankful for today (in no particular order):

1) A son that I am over the moon for
2) Parents that love and support me no matter what
3) A sister that always has my back, even when I don't ask
4) A church home that feels like home
5) Old friends that still care what I am up to
6) New friends to fellowship and share life with
7) Best friends that know me so well that I don't have to pretend to be better than I am and they still love me
8)My relationship with Jesus that keeps growing and changing
9) Talents to use and a ministry to use them in
10) The healing of old wounds
11) The challenge of new wounds
12) Books to read and challenge my mind
13) A job that I really enjoy
14) An opportunity to go back to school and pursue a new dream
15) Family that I can celebrate life with
16) Music
17) Love
18) Hope
19) Joy in all things
20) and a peace that passes understanding

There is a lot to be thankful for. These are the highlights. If I went in to specifics we could be here all day. And that just wouldnt do because I have some sleep to get, some food to eat and some games to play. HAPPY THANKSGIVING one and all. Tell someone you know that you are thankful for them today.

Leaving the Kid's Table

So today was my 30th birthday and I was dreading it. It feels like a momentous milestone that should indicate that I am a "grown up". You know, 30 is the land of adults, where you have to leave that kid stuff behind. But the thing is I am still pretty much a kid in some areas. In some ways, I feel like I am growing in to a woman. I have more confidence, more boldness and more gumption than I did in my youth. I am more certain of what I want, more in tune with what I need and more aware of the difference. I care less about what people think than I used to, which turns out to be pretty freeing. Some things do get better with age. I will concede that. This year has taught me more about what it looks like to have character, devotion and faith. This year has shown me how to find joy in the small things, the hard things, the good things and the bad. I have learned how to take things day by day and to allow for mistakes in myself and others. I have learned what grace looks like and what hope feels like. It has been a great year. One that changed my life actually. The people I met this year have become my family. I can only pray that this upcoming year is a mere echo of the joy and peace I found this last year. I should consider myself blessed to have a fraction of the love and laughter I have had over the last year. For all of those who have seen me through this year, thank you from the bottom of my heart for loving the me I was and helping me become the me I am.

For this year, I would like to make some new resolutions. Hopefully, by my 31st birthday, I will have some huge successes and failures to share with everyone. Hopefully, it will have been a life truly lived. A year spent daring to love and dream. So, here are my meager wishes for my 30th year of life:

1) I will read a new book every month, and not just fiction.
2) I will finish school and find a teaching job
3) I will listen more than I talk
4) I will start a savings account and keep a budget
5) I will learn the guitar
6) I will spend less time watching TV
7) I will lose ten pounds
8) I will be jog at least 10 miles a week
9) I will drink more water, and less tea
10) I will have at least 20 scriptures memorized

I guess we will see what this new year holds. I am excited. If it is anything like last year, I can't wait.

Listamania 11.0 - the remix

Last year, I wrote a blog on my birthday and gave myself some resolutions. You can read the whole blog here: http://goreemom.blogspot.com/2009/11/and-many-more.html, or you can read the cliff's notes version below. I had been at the end of a long and draining year and I was attempting to start fresh and jump in to the deep end of new life. So here was my list:
1. Get better at remembering and acknowledging birthdays
2. Read a new book every month
3. Organize my photos
4. Get a teaching degree
5. Make at least one new girl friend
6. Give blood
7. Lose 10 pounds
8. Learn to french braid
9. Take my son on vacation
10. Start writing again

Monday will be my 30th birthday. Another year has come and gone. And while I am feeling older and wiser, I find it interesting to revisit this list and see where I have come in a year. These were the hopes, dreams and secret wishes of my heart at such a raw place in my life. What a great way to celebrate another year going by. I am so grateful that I experienced a year of movement and life, and not stagnation. I replaced mourning for dancing, weeping for laughing and loneliness with abundant fellowship. I grew in so very many ways. It was a year of finding myself, redefining myself and learning to enjoy myself again.
Looking at the list, I for sure did not do very well at #1, #6 or #8. I didn't even come close to those. Not only did I NOT do #3, but I managed to delete most of the pictures from this last year off of my laptop completely. Major fail.
But... on the flip side, I had some major successes this year too. I am one semester away from getting that teaching certification. I am busting my chops right now and wearing myself ragged to get this done, but it is getting done. And I am proud of that. I was blessed to take my son on two vacations this year, San Antonio and Cozumel. I am so thankful for the time, money and ability to get away and experience new wonders with my little guy. I lost those ten pounds and then twenty more on top of that. I started to write again, and did not stop. Well, maybe I took a few breaks here and there for life to happen but I kept letting those creative juices flow. I blogged, journaled and wrote poetry. It felt nice to put words to the fears, frustrations and desires of my life. And lastly, I did make that new girlfriend. And then I made a few more. I had prayed for fellowship for so long and after many lonely months I began to give up hope of being connected again. But then, I took that step of faith and God provided a church home, family and ministry. It has been a great year because of the people in CYS. They have loved me, accepted me, challenged me and held my hand through some tough times. I am a fuller, more confident and grateful girl because they met me where I was and allowed me to be me. And then they gave me a microphone and let me serve in the only way I know how.

I am blessed beyond measure. My life could not be fuller. Well, it could I guess. Technically. But if it never did, I would have more than I deserve forevermore. Friends. Family. Laughter. Fellowship. Love. Joy. Growth. Wisdom. Strength.... my cup runneth over, everyday.

Knowing that "No" is the way to go. Fo sho.

The other day I had to make a lesson plan on social skills for my class. We drew topics at random and mine was how to teach children to accept "no". There were some steps that they gave me that included looking someone in the eye, saying "okay" and asking questions later. Seems simple enough right? I have a 3 year old, folks, in my house "no" causes nuclear meltdowns and Oscar-worthy dramatics.  And, as it turns out, it doesn't get easier as an adult. Some of us adults are big babies when we don't get our way. I include myself in this pile. I may not throw myself on the stairs and stomp my foot but I have been known to do some pretty dramatic inner monologuing, ranting and even crying.

I have a funny story for you to drive this post home. Last week, after I picked the boy up from school, we were running errands and Luke informed me that he was "starbing" (this is a new word for him so he is "starbing" all the time). He saw a McDonalds out the window and politely asked to go to the store for some chicken nuggets and apples. Because we were headed to Wal Mart, which happens to have a McDonalds in it, I agreed. But when I turned at the light and did not head for the McDonalds he had his eye on, the tears started flowing.  I tried to explain that nuggets were forthcoming, but that we would get them in a different location. This did not do the trick. It had to be that McDonalds because that was the one he could see and therefore, it was the only one that existed.  It was only when we pulled in to the parking lot and the golden arches came in to view that he stopped crying long enough to exclaim, "ohhhh, they have nuggets here too." And the world made sense again.

Isn't that just like humans to get so narrowly focused on what we want? With limited knowledge comes the belief that what is in front of us, the tangible things in the here and now, are all there is.  I want what I can see out of my window. And I want it now, while it is still right in front of me. Because to me, out of sight= out of the realm of possibility. Opportunity missed. Chance lost.

Luke likes to cry when he doesn't get what he wants and he usually gets sent to the stairs for time out. We started this when he was little and he would get told that he had to sit on the stairs until he had calmed down and stopped crying. Now that he is 3, there are greater consequences to being defiant. Now he has an actual time out that is not dependent on whether there are tears or not. But he hasn't quite grasped this yet. He will shout from the stairs, "Mommy, I'm done crying" and expect to be let off the hook. Sometimes he magically stops crying on the way to the stairs or as my mouth says the word "stairs" and he hopes this will keep him from serving his time. But the punishment is for the attitude, not the emotion.

Why can't we get what we want? And why are the authorities in life denying us this joy? That never gets easier to understand. And neither does the fact that simply changing our attitude about it won't make it right. Just because we get strong and wipe our face, doesn't mean the answer becomes "yes". The answer is not dependent upon our reaction to it. I think it is funny that I am meant to teach children how to do this when I am failing at this myself. Maybe if I try looking God in the face, saying "okay" and asking questions later things will get easier for me. At the very least it might save me a trip to the stairs.

Back to Life, Back to Reality

I feel like I just got slapped in the face. And man, did I need it. It was high time for me to snap out of that funk that I've been existing in. It was a necessary process, but it was made a shade harder by my constant resistance to it. Its not that I enjoyed being sad and irritable and sensitive. I for sure did not. But maybe I didn't let myself move through the healing process because healing meant moving forward and I wasn't quite ready to do that yet. The spot I was in meant something to me. It had been my feel good place for so long that I was hesitant to leave it.
My hands are relatively small. In fact, some have even made fun of how small they are. But, it is amazing how firm my grasp can be when I am holding on to the things that matter to me. Control is something that defines many of my actions and thoughts. I spend a great deal of time trying to keep things in order and manageable. This includes my feelings, my plans and my expectations. The feeling of being out of control scares me and sometimes leaves me debilitated. But lately, I have been learning that there is so much more life than what I can fit in my little hand. And I am also wrestling with the idea that while the hand may be mine, the things inside it are not. My life is filled with the gifts and blessings of the Father. They have been entrusted to me to use as He sees fit.
Sometimes this means I get to keep, use and enjoy them. At other times, this means that I have to give them back before I am ready. My initial reaction is to whine about the injustice of having to give away something I love. But what I fail to see is that the true injustice is not giving the appropriate amount of gratitude to the giver. There are many reasons why God takes things away: to teach us something new about ourselves, to prepare us for what comes next, to remind us to focus on the giver and not the gift or things that our minds can not even fathom. I believe that God is leading me towards something great and in this period of want He is showing me how to be grateful and that He is still good.
I am smiling again because I know that the truth has set me free. And that truth is that NO MATTER WHAT, I will be ok. And not because I am awesome, or because I am strong. But because I am faithful. And because I believe. Not in myself, not in my circumstances, but in the fact that God is completing me. Still. It is an ongoing process that does not end with this storm. This storm is merely another lesson in how to trust in, cling to and rely on Him. And I obviously need those lessons because I haven't learned them yet.
When I stopped waiting for the answer I wanted and accepted the one I had been given, I was able to trade my sorrow for joy. Not necessarily in the joy that comes from getting what I want, but from the joy that comes from knowing I have all that I need. The answer I want to hear, is not my reality today. I have to choose and decide based on the facts that are true today. I can not let these chances for obedience and trust to pass me by because I am waiting for a different answer. That answer may never come. Or it may be around the corner. And while my heart may hope for things and my spirit may desire certain outcomes, my delight has to come from what God is doing RIGHT NOW, in this circumstance.
I feel pretty certain that God is leading me through this wilderness in to a Promise Land and that this is a time meant for obedience, trust and faith. And while I may not enjoy my time in this desert, I know that He leads me and provides for me here. I can trust that all of this wandering will eventually lead me to the place where I am meant to be. The place He has set aside for me.
My heaviness has not ceased, but that yoke has become considerably lighter because my focus has shifted away from my situation and towards what I need to be learning in and through it.

Trees of Life are Blooming (and Your Word Plants the Seed)

This was a pretty good day. Looks like there is still some life in me yet. Just kidding. All dramatics aside, I am feeling like maybe I have finally stopped rowing against the wind today. Not to say that my emotions aren't still there, because they surely are. It's just that today I feel that they are more contained. And I like that. I will take what I can get.

Someone recently asked if I was forfeiting what I need because I the fear of letting go was greater than the trust I have in God (that was a paraphrase). I had wanted to say no, surely not. It would be absolutely absurd for me to not trust God. And yet, that person was exactly right. I wear myself out trying to hold on to the things that matter to me. That control freak in me just cannot bare the unknown. And she absolutely can't stand "wait and see". I am a planner and an organizer and that is just who I am. But I am learning, quickly, that this part of me screams SELFISH. This piece of me needs a serious talking to. And believe me, several people have tried recently.

Throughout my life I have tried to make things go my way. I have had some small victories, but when it really counts I rarely succeed. Usually, I am in way over my head. The thing is, it is hard for me to trust and let go and ride out the storm. The planner in me starts demanding back up plans and safety procedures, anything to decrease the damage. How completely silly to think that I can God-proof my life. Really, who do I think I am? I will tell you, I think that I am Right.

But this week, I am learning that sometimes "disasters" come when we are least prepared and most unaware. They even come despite our plans and precautions. However, our preacher said a few weeks ago, if you have a plan B, you aren't trusting God. So true. So very very true. This path I am on will lead to something pretty great. I trust that. It may be dark and scary right now but it is leading to something wonderful. I have an idea of what I want God to do and where I hope He leads me. But, EVEN IF HE DOESN'T, He is still good. And even if His path forks to the left, when I'd rather go right, I will stay the course. I will not labor in vain.

It took me a few days to release my grip on my plans and expectations for the future. In fact, my knuckles are still sore from the effort. But...and this is a big but... I do trust that the things of God cannot be stopped. I do know that His ways are higher than my ways. Surely He has this thing figured out. I am learning to open my tiny hand and return God's gifts to Him. They were never really mine anyway.

Jesus, thank You for the gifts You give and for the things You take away.

Thank You for the daily bread You've given me today.

Jesus, thank You for dancing and the joy that it brings

Thank You also for the mourning and the not so pleasant things

Jesus, thank You for the cloud by day and the fire in the night

Thank You that the darkness helps me see Your light

Jesus, thank You for the trials and the character they bring

Thank You that in this jail cell I have a song to sing

Jesus, thank You for my ashes and for my weakness too

Thank You that my delight comes only in trusting You

photo taken from a friend without their permission. sorry, friend. (not really) 

Listamania 10.0 - silver lining edition

Ok, this is the antithesis to the other Listamania I wrote (for those who are interested, it is the black cloud edition). That version is better suited for those who like a little gloom in their day. But don't worry, I am an equal opportunity feeler and while I may be feeling a little low this week, I tend towards the glass-half-full side of life. So even now, I find it necessary to note the issue, but not dwell on it.

In that regard, I wrote two Listamanias this week. One to feed both sides of me, where I am and where I want to be. You see, the week was not so great. But within that week there has been much greatness. And much more to come, I should add. This weekend I am headed to Georgetown to attend a birthday party, in my honor. My dear sweet friends are throwing me the party of my dreams. It is an 80's themed party to kick off my 30's. Costumes are required so I am definitely looking forward to seeing my friends in their totally rad outfits. This party is my silver lining and it hasn't even happened yet. But I have tried on my costume a few times and that single act alone makes me feel a few shades brighter - all that neon, I guess. So, in tribute and anticipation of the party, I present Listmania 10 - my favorite 80's movies - in order.

1. Breakfast Club -

2. Footloose -

3. Dirty Dancing -

4.Goonies -
5. Back to the Future
6. Ferris Bueller's Day Off
7. Ghostbusters
8. Sixteen Candles

9. Top Gun

10. Pretty in Pink

honorable mention for:
Steel Magnolias
E.T.
The Legend of Billy Jean

Listamania 10.0 - black cloud edition

So, this week has been pretty rough for me. I am still dealing with some changes in my life and finding that it is not as easy as I had hoped it would be. Of course, I think my stressful work and school schedule and the fact that I am perpetually tired and moving may be adding to this. I would venture to say that I am "getting through" things. Although, not as gracefully as I would have hoped. This is the place for honesty so I will just say it. I have cried a lot, analyzed a lot and basically felt like a weak and silly basket case. When I think on how I would like to be handling this situation, none of those adjectives show up. After all, it is just a break up. They happen to thousands of people, everyday. But this is happening to me and, thankfully, it doesn't happen everyday. I feel like a great big downer by writing this dreadful blog today. However, this is how I process and I could use some mental exhaling.
As a social worker, I took a class in college called Death and Dying. I know, sounds like a hoot, right? In that class, we learned about the 5 stages of grief. Although intended for people who are facing their own death, the list is generally seen as applicable to any crisis or event in ones life that produces the sense of loss. Now, I am in no way trying to say that my situation is anywhere near the vicinity of being like death. But it is a loss none the less. That sounds a bit dramatic, but it is true. If I did not consider it as such then I shouldn't have been in the relationship to begin with. So, today's Listamania consists of the 5 stages. I include this list because I find it helpful to understand the things I am thinking and feeling in this context. It makes me feel less like a basket case.

1. Denial

2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance


Who feels better? Gosh, what a serious downer of a post. I debated writing this but then thought, if it helped me then maybe it will help someone else. I need to tell you that I am fine. Currently. I may be wrestling through the technicalities, but I am at least working my way through. No need to worry about me. I may be presenting myself as damaged and destroyed. But I am neither of these things. I am just a girl with emotions and a blog. So... bear with me, all. Wait for that upswing, because it will come. I want it to come. I wait and welcome it.

Fall-ing in love with vegetables

 Now, look at this picture. I know exactly what you are thinking: "isn't that the sweetest little boy you have ever seen? ". Thank you. And the answer is yes. This picture is one of my favorites from this Halloween season. It was harder to capture and thus appreciated even more for the effort it took to achieve. So, lets take in the picture for a minute. The wonderful scenery, the fall colors, the handsome boy. But wait, what is he holding in his hands? Are those balls? Are they rocks or toys? The answer, my friends, is that he is holding Bob and Larry, from Veggie Tales. Maybe you pictured Bob and Larry to look something like this: 

And you would be correct. This is the standard representation of Bob and Larry. But at our house, we go by the Luke version. And that version consists of two smallish forms of play-doh, loosely rolled and shaped in to a ball and an oval. One is red, the other is green, and voila! you have Larry and Bob. I don't remember where the idea came from but one day the play-doh veggies were formed and for three days thereafter, they were all we heard about in our house. Bob and Larry went everywhere. They went to the grocery store, to the park and even to the bathtub, where they did not go in (because they can't swim, duh). We went through about 4 sets of Larry and Bob figures because they kept drying out and cracking and would not retain their shape. So, naturally, Bob and Larry also came to the pumpkin patch with us after school one day.

Like a snap happy mom I was posing and primping Luke for his photos. We had left the veggies on the hood of the car for the first few shots but had to quickly retrieve them once Luke remembered where they were. From then on they were permanent fixtures in the events. At one point Luke even carefully placed them on a pumpkin and asked me to take their picture.

Towards the end of the session, I was told that Larry and Bob wanted to ride in the wagon.

After the initial laughter, those of us in the house began to question the normalcy of this. It seemed strange for a child to create these rudimentary figures and then carry them around with him all day. Also, he slept with them. Yeah, I forgot that part. He slept with Larry and Bob in his hands. So weird. Right?

I understand developing a connection and an attachment to something and wanting to maintain that connection at all times. I understand the idea of wanting to keep the important things close to you. And thankfully this obsession was forgotten after the weekend and has not yet resurfaced. This week we have all we can handle with Halloween goodies and treats. But I am a bit nervous to pull out the play-doh again and have mini-veggies ruling our lives once more. Can someone tell me that this happened to them too? Or their children? Or someone they knew? I am curious as to how "normal" all of this really is.

I Get Knocked Down (but I get up again)

Ok. It has been a while since I did an actual post, and not a Listamania. But, because my misery loves verbiage, I now find myself with reason to write. A few months ago, I did something really great. I opened my heart up again to the idea of love and I entered in to a relationship. It was my first time since the divorce and I was cautiously optimistic. I felt really great about it. And I was happy. But, as these things sometimes do, it ended. The end was unforeseen and unprepared for, but still it came. Very recently, I found myself at the end of something that I was profoundly proud of. My heart is limping towards acceptance as we speak. But, I am not broken and I am not crushed. I may be slightly bruised, but better for the trouble. You see, while I may not like where it led me, the most important part was the journey. I felt things I had not felt in a long time. I trusted and laughed and shared life with someone in a way that felt truly spectacular. And it was a connection that I will forever be grateful for because it taught me what it looks like to have God in a relationship. This person will always be in my heart for encouraging, supporting and serving me in a way that helped me understand Christian love more fully.

Break ups are always hard. I have never had one that wasn't. But I can honestly say that I feel truly blessed in the midst of my mending. I had real feelings, great conversations and a ton of fun. How refreshing to be in that space again, if only for a bit. Through this I learned that it is ok to open up and let people in again. Actually, it is better than ok. Life is about taking chances and stepping out in faith. Part of that is risking pain for the opportunity to find something remarkable. Does it always happen? No. But it is almost always worth the shot. I am sad to see this chapter closing. But if I have learned nothing else in my short life, I have learned that God gives and takes away. He wounds and He heals. But He is also the same yesterday, today and forever. God never lets go. He will sustain me through the wilderness of life and lead me to lie down in green pastures. He is always good. These are my truths. It has taken me a while to collect them. But they have never failed me. And I do not expect them to start now. I am rejoicing in this chance to trust God and show my faith in His ways.

I want to share a poem I wrote about breaking up. It was written many, many years ago - in a whole different phase of my life. I don't know why I want to share this, since it has nothing to do with the person or circumstance I referred to in this post. But it somehow seemed fitting for today.

Oh what I would give for one more chance

to see the magic in your glance

right before you kissed my lips

with my hair around your fingertips.

What wouldn't I do for a final embrace?

That look of perfection upon your face.

As you hold my hand and catch my eye,

right before you say "good-bye".

A spoken truth of yet to comes,

implying that we're not yet done.

Yet, all to soon I begin to see

the brutal truth of this reality.

Try as I may to plan and to scheme

your mind is already on other things. 

I'm not the object of your affection

but you have granted me this one reflection:

no matter the state our relationship is in

you will always consider me a very dear friend.

I guess this friendship will have to suffice

and my wounded heart will pay the price. 

As much as I'd like to have your heart

being your friend is the perfect start.  

Listamania 9.0

When I am down, I put on music. When I am bored, I put on music. When I need to just relax, I put on music. I'm sure appreciative of things like iPod's and CD players so that I can have my music with me, on the go. And I am thankful for Playlists that let me create hours of diversion. Music is so much to me. So... here is my homage to music. First, a list of CD's that are in constant rotation in my car or on my iPod:

1. Shane and Shane - Everything is Different
2. Jimmy Needham - Not Without Love
3. Joshua Radin - Simple Times
4. Ray Lamontagne - Trouble
5. John Mayer - Battle Studies
6. Shane and Shane - Pages
7. Nicole Nordemann - Woven and Spun
8. Joshua Radin - We Were Here
9. Bebo Norman - Myself When I am Real
10. The Brook Hampton Tracks I Love Mix CD

Honorable mention:
- Kari Jobe - Kari Jobe albumn
- Colby Callait - Coco
- Jason Mraz - We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things
- Ray Lamontagne - Gossip in the Grain

My next Listamania will be dedicated to music as well. I will be writing all the songs I would have on my life soundtrack. I need some time to think. I would love to hear what other people are listening to as well. I always need fresh ideas.

Invitation Extended - but don't RSVP

A few friends and I have started a collaborative blog together. It is a devotional blog that touches on some things that God is teaching us in our lives. I have been blessed to get to grow in this way with some people that I absolutely love, admire and respect. So if you are interested, you can check us out at

http://wmysoul.blogspot.com/

Thanks guys.

Leslie

Hey Now, You're a Rock Star

When I was younger, we did a lot of pretending. We played house, school, postoffice, banker, Barbies - you name it and we played it. It is safe to say that my love of story telling - character, plots and the like - started with those early days of make believe. Perhaps one of my favorite things to pretend was "rockstar". Although, in those days I just called it "singer". In my youth, that is what I dreamt I would become when I got older. I just knew I would be like Jem and the Rockers and that I would sing and entertain the masses. It brought great joy to my heart to play that part and imagine myself as a performer. I never imagined myself as rich and famous. In my daydreams, it was about the music and the love of performing it. Then the Mickey Mouse Club came on TV and I felt I had found my calling. The same thing happened when the Spice Girls surfaced and also a little bit when Glee first aired. I just absolutely love music and making it come alive.

I was on vacation for ten days and my little son was not with me. So needless to say, I missed him a great deal. This week was about trying to reconnect with him, which was difficult because of my work and school schedules. But yesterday was the day we set aside for mommy and Luke time. It was a great day. We filled it with frozen yogurt, lunch with friends, a Dragon movie and a little make believe. For a little while, yesterday, Luke and I were rockstars together. And we performed several Veggie Tales classics. It was so nice to share that with him and to watch him take right to it. So, this post goes out to my little rockstar! Here's to:

Duets

Booty Shakin'

 

Stage Jumping

Crowd Pleasing

Theatric Loving

and Final Bowing

This little dude has what it takes. Of course I am absolutely his biggest fan so I may be a tiny bit biased. But I would pay full price to watch him perform. Dreams are hard to come by and imagination is a commodity that is often killed with reality. It is so wonderful to watch the innocence in him and to watch him let loose and pretend. And, thankfully, he still wants me right there with him in the middle of the mix. 

Listamania 8.0

The Last Time I...

1. Went to Disneyland/World: I was 8 years old and wearing a side ponytail, biker shorts and a tshirt with a side knot.

2. Had a phone conversation that lasted over an hour: Last night
3. Saw a movie in the theater: today I saw two movies, in a row. "Social Network" and "Devil"
4. Saw someone famous: I saw Neil Patrick Harris when I was at Disneyworld. Although at that time he was known only as "Doogie".
5. Took a car trip that was over 10 hours: In 2006, when I went to Nashville, TN
6. Drank Kool-Aid: Last week I made kool-aid for Luke and had some myself. It was cherry, I had to.
7. Went to a school dance: That would be my senior year of college, April 2003. Date: Dustin "the Diesel" Collins.
8. Was on a boat: The last time I visited Georgetown there was a late night sailing trip. Maybe May 2010.
9. Was on a plane: On Friday I flew to Vermont. It was an awful experience.
10. Ate a Rice Krispy Treat:  I actually made Rice Krispy treats about a month ago for my Friday night group.
11. Jogged: Last Thursday. And my body is feeling it.
12. Went to the doctor: I think it has been a year and a half.
13. Was out of the Country: In May 2010 I went to Mexico with the fam.
14. Washed my car: It has been an embarassingly long amount of time. I think a year or more.
15. Ate a bowl of cereal: This morning I had corn flakes, with sugar.
16. Held a baby: At my son's 3rd birthday party I held my cousin's baby,Beaux.
17. Watched an episode of Friends: About two weeks ago, thank you TNT.
18. Jumped up and down: Probably at Lindsey and Kyle's wedding in August.
19. Bought an item of clothing: In September of 2010.
20. Vacummed: Right before Luke's birthday party, in September.
21. Had to speak/perform in front of a large group of people: I had to give an interview presentation to get in to Teacher Certification classes in August.
22. Took a test: That would be yesterday, for my teaching class.
23. Went to a wedding: August 2010.
24. Used a phone with a cord on it: I used the room phone, this morning, to call the lobby. I dialed "0".
25. Ate pizza: Two days ago, in Portland, Maine.
26. Had a cup of coffee: Friday morning as I walked to my airplane terminal.
27. Did a math problem by hand: Since I am subbing now I get to do a bit more math. Two weeks ago I subbed for a 2nd grade math class and we did word problems on the chalkboard.
28. Had a manicure or pedicure: It has been WAY to long. Probably since May or maybe even April.
29. Got a package in the mail: I got flowers delivered to me last week. It was AWESOME!
30. Updated my blog: Today. This list is considered my update.

You can't stop the beat!

"Sing, sing a song

sing out loud, sing out strong

sing of good things, not bad

sing of happy, not sad

sing, sing a song

make it simple

to last your whole life long

don't worry if it's not good enough

for anyone else to hear

just sing, sing a song"

- Perry Como

As a parent of a toddler, you watch a LOT of movies. Over and over and over again. Thankfully, kids movies are actually pretty good these days. But today I popped in a VHS for Luke (and yes, we do still own a VCR). We dug deep in the box of cinema relics and went vintage. Luke watched Beauty and the Beast for the very first time. From the moment the movie started I was hooked. I would venture to say that I was more in to it than he was. I started singing and I could not stop. I knew every word to every song, even after all these years. And this sing-along opened a flood gate of memories for me.

When I was in elementary school, my cousins and sister and I would put on plays in our garage for my parents. There was a curtain, costumes and even an intermission. But the main focus of the evening was always the music. We would sing (and act out) Disney movies. But when I say "sing" I really mean "lip sync" to the soundtrack CD. It was still pretty awesome.

Years later, I remember attending a college weekend at UMHB with my bestie, Sara, during our senior year of high school. It was our first solo trip without the parents and we were feeling pretty cool in our independence. I think we even stopped and got convenience store cappuccinos just to solidify our maturity. But what I also remember is that we were jamming out in the car, to the Lion King soundtrack (and maybe even some Little Mermaid).

You see, I love to sing. It brings immense joy to my heart to express myself through song. I am not, however, a song writer. It pains me to sit and think about lyrics and hooks and verses and all that jazz. Believe me, I've tried. My passion lies more in the music. I enjoy finding a song that completely expresses my mood and thing singing it as loud as I can. Or dancing to it.

For this reason, I absolutely adore musicals. Chicago blew my mind. I enjoyed it so much that I literally high kicked out of the theater (it's true, there were witnesses). I say all of this because I think it is sad that animated musicals have gone the way of the dodo bird. While kid's movies today are funnier than they used to be, they lack some of that musical magic. Music is so expressive and joyous and moving that I do not understand why the decision was made to stop the music. It was a very stupid decision.

I have one last memory to share with you readers before I end my soapbox on another pointless topic. In 2004, I went to Las Vegas with 3 of my girl friends. It was an absolutely amazing trip. There were plenty of sights to see and things to do, but what made the trip for me was all of the singing that we did. I brought a video camera and we videoed ourselves on a consistent basis during the trip. One of the things we did was spontaneous song. We all did it. The camera would start rolling and one of us would make up a song about what we were doing or where we were going. It was completely unscripted and very silly. I remember vividly a song about Treasure Island, a song about the Bellagio fountains and a song about Ziegfried and Roy's tigers. But my favorite part was the day we rode the tram to the Palms hotel and casino. The four of us sat in the back seat. The bus was pretty crowded and the faint sound of music was playing over the speakers. I asked the driver to turn it up and he kindly obliged. "My Girl" was playing on the radio and without hesitation I started singing along, quite loudly. Pretty soon my friends joined in and then when it got to the chorus I shouted,"everybody". And you would not believe this but over half the bus started singing the chorus to that song. People were clapping and singing along and it was one of the best moments of my life. When the bus stopped and the song was over, the whole bus cheered. It was a magical moment. Scratch that, it was a musical moment. For that tram ride, and during that trip, I got a small taste of what it would be like to live in a musical. And I have to say that it suited me just fine.

So Disney,
bring back the musical. Let animation be fun again.

Thank you.

Listamania 7.0

I know, I know. This is a day late. But better late than never. I have a new thing going in my life and I would classify it as a good thing. Actually, a very good thing. And this good thing has given me lots and lots of reasons to smile lately. It feels so insanely good to be in the company of a person (or persons) who know how to truly get you laughing. Thankfully, I know several people in my life who can really crack me up. But that is another list, for another time. Today's list is dedicated to laughter and smiles. Eventhough that just sounded like a line from Carebears I will continue on. The new TV season is starting and I could not be more thrilled. So I want to make a list of the ten TV sitcoms that have had me rolling in laughter throughout my life. This is not in any order, just shows I like. I know some may disagree but... this is my Listamania, so deal with it.

1. Friends
2. Scrubs
3. Fresh Prince of Bell Aire
4. The Cosby Show
5. Modern Family
6. The Office
7. How I Met Your Mother
8. Seinfeld
9. Arrested Development
10. Cheers

Times they are a changin'

It seems like I am always starting a post with a reference to something that someone said to me. Well, this post will be no different. Someone near and dear to me asked if I write more in bad times than in good. Interesting question. And the answer is... yes. I do tend to get very emo and internal when the storm clouds roll in. And while that doesn't make for a very fun read, it sure provides a lot of inspiration for new material. I would like to work on this though. I do not want to be the Debbie Downer of the blog world. So starting today I am pledging to be more up-beat and whimsical in my musings. To kick this off I am doing something that I never would have thought possible - I am going to share a poem that I wrote. I am doing this because a) it was written in high school and b) I think it possesses a light-heartedness that suits the new me. So, here it goes:

FAT CANDY

I love were candy, I'd be fat

If sorrow were a fly swatter, I'd be flat

If marshmallows were dreams, I'd be a smore

If pentagons meant sanity, my count would be four

If friends were like mirrors, I'd live in vain

If fear were a sports car, I'd opt for a plane

If pennies were knowledge, I'd have 2 cents

If laundry were patience, I'd be the ball of lent

If men were sugar, I'd take mine sour

If pride were measured in minutes, I'd last an hour

If candles were maturity, I'd be at the end of my wick

If roses were honesty, I'd often need a prick

If hope were like water, I'd sometimes start to boil

If serenity were milk, I'd very quickly spoil

**As a disclaimer I need to say that I was 18. So I had a very limited knowledge of the world and most of the concepts in this poem. I would venture to say that this rhyme would be slightly different if I wrote it today. Thanks also to Rachel Bennet, who penned several of the lines with me, and Ms. Lawrence, my creative writing teacher. **

Listamania 6.0

I know that I have had lead fingers lately when it comes to this blog - meaning that they have leaned toward the heavy side. My blog is direct reflection of my life, so if I have been clunking through the last through posts it was because I was clunking through some moments in my life. Never fear though, because everything always ends up better than alright. And this season of my life is no different. My dad, sweet and honest man that he is, recently told me that my blog was starting to get a little depressing. I took his subtle advice and digested it. As luck would have it is a Wednesday, which means it's a Listamania day. What better way to fight the blog blues than with a little list? So... this one's for dad, and all those others who are tired of hearing me mope.

I actually stole this idea from someone else's blog. But it was such a good one that I don't feel at all bad about it (thank you Trey Weise). As summer has officially come to a close, the weather, and the activities that comprise said season ,are saying farewell. I will miss the sights, sounds and smells of summer. This revelation made me think about my senses, all 5 of them in fact, and the wonderful ways I use them on a daily basis. So, this weeks list is about favorites. It is my fab 5 favorites of my fab 5 senses. You better buckle in, because things are about to get crazy.




Things I love to smell:
1. sunscreen
2. men's cologne (especially Beckham for men)
3. wood burning
4. the river
5. bacon frying

Things I love to look at:

1. sunsets
2. the stars on a clear, dark night

3. Christmas lights

4. fall colors that pop against gray skies

5. flowers in full bloom

Things I love to hear:
1. good vocal harmonies
2. night time noises during the summer
3. rain outside my window
4. my little guy laughing wildly
5. music on the classical guitar or piano

Things I love to taste:

1. chocolate milkshakes

2. the first few sips of Dr.Pepper from the fountain

3. hot chocolate

4. strawberries

5. cheese

Things I love the touch of:
1. my baby boy's cheeks
2. blankets all around me in a cold room
3. hands holding mine
4. sand between my toes
5. water as I swim








There are other things that I love. But this list could get long and then no one would want to read it. I am going to take some advice from The Office's Michael Scott and K.I.S.S. - Keep It Simple Stupid. Happy Wednesday all!

Let the Records Show

I am going to be tooting my own horn here a little bit. Please allow it because I could use the affirmation. It has just been one of those weeks where multiple things weighed heavily on my mind and my heart. I was wearing quite the heavy yolk and feeling just miserable beneath its weight. You see, I am what you would call a decisive person. It has been said that I may even be "rash" in my decision making. And, I admit, I do things kind of on impulse sometimes. And, every time, I always think what a huge mistake that was. So, for me to not be able to make a decision, to be stuck in the in between, means one of two things: 1) that I know what I need to do, but I'm fighting it or 2) that my head and my heart are in a battle of motives and a victor hasn't been crowned yet.

It just so happens that there were two situations this week that I could not move past, one for each of those categories. But, happy to say that today I laced up my big-girl shoes and did the hard thing. One felt good, and the other is a work in progress. I like to make educated choices, where all the information is presented before me. However, I am not always afforded that benefit. Sometimes I have to make a choice based on the facts presented to me, even with gaping holes in the equation. And then sometimes, I am waiting for blanks to be filled that have already been filled, I just refused to see it. It's the classic case of only hearing what you want to hear. It is a defense mechanism that has served me... not so well.

My heart feels lighter today for having chosen to move forward and not stay still. I think that sometimes it is easier to just run in place, because at least then you know what to expect from your surroundings. It takes much more courage and faith to move ahead, to the unknown. My mind has been made up. In one instance, the right thing one out over the easy thing. And in the other situation, I chose to simplify. While I wouldn't say that either of these things felt awesome, they do feel resolved, in the sense that they will no longer consume my mind.

Quack Attack

So, I'm back! I know that you readers are just jumping in excitement. As well you should be because over the last few days my heart and my head have been working in overdrive, trying to figure this life out. And the realization I've come to is that I will never be able to figure this life out. And just when I think I'm getting close, there are loops and curve balls to keep me on my toes. But don't you worry, because while my life map did not unveil itself I did pick up a few treasures along the way. And, of course, I would love nothing more than to talk my way through them.
So, one thing that has become glaringly obvious is how difficult it is for me to follow. I am a leader. Always have been and probably always will be. So when the time comes for me to sit back and let others lead, I do not handle it all that well. This is true for all things, even my relationship with God. I tend to believe that I know the best way, the rightest answer and the most fool-proof methods.
Also, I'm not very patient. When I know what I want, I get very one-track minded. This is not necessarily good. The reason being is that I can get so focused on the want that I forget to ask if its what I need. I have been trying that a little more lately and finding that occassionally, I get lucky and those things are the same. But sometimes not. Right now, I am in serious prayer about some serious things and I am realizing that I am making them so much more dramatic and complicated than they need to be. God isn't trying to trick me or entice me. He doesn't need to. He knows what I need and when and all I have to do is listen and trust.
I have felt some joy and peace recently, amid confusion and it is because I have sought and asked for it. And it has come. It has come because I stopped clinging so tightly to what I wanted and decided to open up my hands and surrender, knowing full well that God will provide.
The last thing I want to say is that I am learning not to be a duck. Ducks get together and just quack, quack, quack about things. And all it amounts to is a lot of noise. If you look for things to be unhappy about and focus on things that make you grumble and quack then you set yourself up for being deeply unhappy. So, I'm steering clear of the duck pond and focusing on those things I know are good. My life is good, right now, no matter what. And I need to remember that. Because all I know for sure is this moment, not the future. And so I want to cease this moment and all it has to offer. Its like that Bible story about the servants who were given the money. Some buried it so that they could wait and save it, and the master said that was not good. But one used his and multiplied it and it was seen as good for him to take what he was given and make the most of it. This is what is coming to the front of my mind right now, as I am praying through things. I want to be responsible with what I've been given so that God will see that I can handle more.

Just another manic Monday

Of course, after that wonderful day of clarity and the post about joy on Sunday - God allowed me the pain of Monday. I had the Monday of all Mondays yesterday. It was not good. it started off bad and went to worse and ended at totally unbelievable in it's level of suckage. But such is life. It is a changing tide of good and bad experiences. The real test is to see if i can keep that joy I talked about, amidst the Mondays of life.

I've had a bit of a setback recently and I am trying to refigure my life around the changes. I know full well that I will heal and come back stronger and more faithful. But until then, I am going to choose silence. I am going through something that I can not blog about. I do not want to blog about it because in this topic I dont want you people in my head. But rest assured that when that fog clears, I will be back. Thanks, faithful blog followers, for being there as a sounding board.

Leslie

Sing, Sing a Song

I must begin by saying that I am a little emotional as I write this. It has been one of those nights when the blinders have come up just a fraction and my limited scope has gotten a little bit clearer. And what I have seen with these new eyes just astounds me. There are joys in this life that words can not explain. There is kindness among friends that this heart can not contain. There is peace among sorrow that my mind can not full fathom. When you take all of these observations and wrap them up into a small concise package, the word is grateful. I am full of gratitude at how God is moving in my life at this moment. The dots in my life just seem to keep connecting, even when it seems unlikely, into the most beautiful and elaborate pictures of mercy and grace. It feels like I have travelled so very far during this short life of mine. And yet, I have barely scratched the surface of the plans God has for me.

Over a year ago, I started this blog and faced the task of trying to decide what to call it. It was a different time in my life, a time of complete confusion and gnashing of teeth. But even then, I knew that there was much to be grateful for. Even in the desert place, my cup runneth over. Even in my darkest hours yet, I still had more than I could have asked for. And in His faithfulness, the Lord continues to provide. The people, places, promises and purposes I have in my life are filling my heart with joy. I have transitioned into a new life. I have metamorphosed into a new creature and dang, it feels so good. I found this verse yesterday, as I rummaged through my Bible for hidden treasures, and it captures my spirit perfectly:

"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy" - Psalm 126:5

I have a song to sing, a song of humble gratitude and complete thankfulness.

Listamania 5.0

Normally my daily diet consists largely of protein shakes. But not this week. This week we are eating good. Maybe even a little too good. The treaders will be burning up next week for sure. But all of this hearty eating has inspired this weeks listamania. If I was somehow in a situation where I was told to pick ten foods to live on for the rest of my life, these would be them:

1. Red Lobster's cheddar bay biscuits
2. Tx Roadhouse green beans
3. Cypress Station Grill's sweet potato fries
4. Chicken fajitas from Lupe Tortillas
5. Lobster bisque from Pappadeaux's
6. The turkey o' toole from Bennigans
7. Red Robin's blue cheese burger
8. McAlister's club wrap
9.PF Chang's chicken lo mein
10. Olive Garden's chicken alfredo pizza

And I would have to add a chicken fried steak from somewhere delicious. What would your choices be? Dang. I'm hungry now.

Cause I'm a Freak, Baby

This week I am on vacation with the family in the beautiful Texas Hill Country. So far, we are having a very pleasant time. Unlike many of our vacations this one would be considered very free-style. Now, I see the benefits of having an open and flexible schedule, especially when relaxation is your goal, but it goes against every grain I have to be without a plan.
Here is my confession: I am a control freak. There, I said it. I don't know when this started but somewhere and somehow I went from liking to have my way, moved right through preferring to have my way and landed in needing to have my way. And this is where I am stuck- in the land of needing lots of info and rarely getting any.
There was a time in my life when things were very chaotic for me and I rarely knew what to expect on a given day. In this time I had to let go of what I wanted to cling to what I needed to get by. Now that things are more stable for me, I find myself trying to make up for lost time. I feel that I have room to want things now and so I want them with all I have. Now that I've found my voice I find myself dead set on what I think needs to happen. This part I do remember from my youth. I always wanted to be in charge of group projects at school because then I knew it would get done and get done the right way.
The problem is that sometimes my way isn't the right way. But, it is hard to see that within the moment of wanting. I set an expectation that my plans are good and will achieve the desired results. And then I work hard towards that goal with checklists and outlines.
When life gets in the way and hands me hurdles or foibles to my well thought out plan, I panic and get quite flustered or cross. Mostly at myself, for being so narrowly focused on me.
Plans are good, but so is wait and see. I am not so good at going with the flow, I want to move and create. This week will be a challenge for me in letting go and enjoying the freedom of not-controlling every moment. And I think I will find that it will be just as much fun and maybe a little less stressful.When you don't have an expectation, it removes the fear of not meeting it. And by now we all know what a fan I am of that.

Baby Mine

Today I was at Target doing one of the things I hate the most: trying on clothes. I was in the back corner dressing room when a family came in to try on back-to-school clothes. This family consisted of a mom, a daughter and two sons. I could never see this family, but I heard them. It would have been impossible not to. And what I heard nearly broke my heart. Every single sentence that came from the mother's mouth was spoken with an edge and bark that made me shudder. There was no love anywhere in the tone or words she was using. I listened for about five minutes before I couldn't take it anymore, and I left the dressing room saying a quick prayer for that mom and her children. I promptly headed over to my son, playing in the toy section with his Nana, and gave him the biggest hug.

Being a parent is tough sometimes. It can become downright annoying when little personalities start to develop that scream for independence and rebellion. So, I will allow for the fact that perhaps this mother was having one of those days and her patience was a little thin. But don't we all know someone whose normal voice sounds like a yell and who always seems mad or irritated? I was a crisis counselor for two years, trust me when I say that some families speak in shouts and barks. I sure hope this is not me. I don't think it is, but I do have my days when anger wins out over patience. It takes a very focused and conscious effort to discipline and correct in love, and not anger. And I don't always hit the nail on the head there. But I want to take this opportunity to tell him, and the blog readers, all the things on the other side of that coin.

Luke, my child, you are:

sweet

brave

kind

loving

gentle

sensitive

friendly

outgoing

opinionated

happy

dramatic

helpful

charming

caring

polite

smart

funny

creative

and above all else, silly

I love everything about you, even on your worst day. Even as you are telling me to go away and leave you alone. Even when you are throwing your tenth fit in 30 minutes. Even when you don't quite make it to the potty on time and when you don't even touch the sandwich I spent ten minutes making because you HAD to have it - yes, sweet boy, even then. I hope you grow up with the confidence it takes to face this world and come out whole. I hope you never have to doubt for one second that you are loved and treasured. And I pray, everyday, that I will speak more kindnesses than I do warnings. That we will laugh more than we cry, talk more than we shout, and that I will never be too busy to enjoy you or create moments that matter.

With every bit of my heart (and perhaps a tiny bit more),

Mom

The Ring of Fire

First, I want to sound a clear NERD ALERT for what is about to happen. But when the similes come, you have to take what you can get. And today you are getting a little bit of LOTR (that's Lord of the Rings for those who don't speak Tolkien). But, alas, I will get to that part later.

I'd like to start by saying that I have noticed that a good deal of my posts lately have been about spiritual matters. I have no idea if these posts are as interesting or helpful to read as they are to write, but in a way I don't care. Lately, I have been challenged and stretched in my faith in ways I never expected. As I have clung to, trusted in and relied on God to keep His promises I have found myself more aware of what He is doing in and around me. It doesn't always make sense, or go the way I would like it to - but that is part of what this blog is for, to help me make sense of my life one word at a time. Matthew 12:34 says, "For out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks". Therefore, I am encouraged that my mouth seems to be speaking more about what God's doing than what I'm doing - at least in the blogosphere.

So... I have been feeling pretty good lately about where I am in my life. I feel on track with the goals I set for myself in regards to school, friends, family and faith. Things have been flowing pretty smoothly and I have felt real joy in my heart of hearts. I had even begun to think that I'd learned a thing or too about myself and from my mistakes and would have said I was making progress. And then, as if He knew (which He did), God decided to test my theory and He threw me in to the refining fires. It seems that this week God has dangled some pretty nice carrots in front of my face to see how I would respond. And I am humbled to say that I did not respond well. When the heat and pressure came I turned to my feelings to give me my bearings and left the facts in the dust. I let my eyes turn to what I wanted and forgot to ask if it was what I needed. And I found myself returning to past insecurities and wearing them as easily as an old coat. It seems I had not progressed as much as I would have thought.

I have always loved the image of the refiners fire. Silversmiths put their fire in the furnace to melt it and then the dross (impurities) would rise to the top and sit on the surface. They would then scrap off this dross before pouring the silver in to a mold to be made into something valuable and useful.

Proverbs 25:4 - "Remove the dross from the
silver, and out comes material for the silversmith;"

It seems that the fire is necessary if we are to be pure and of use. It is easy to dread the fire. It is hot and super uncomfortable. But in the end, it leads to the best version of ourselves - if we submit to the process and quit holding on to our impurities. In this way, we are not unlike "the precious" in LOTR. It was a beautiful and powerful vessel but it did not show it's true colors or deliver it's full message until it was put in to the fire. Only then did the true message show. We can fake it till we make it all we want. We can build our house of straw and try to cut costs and labor - we can do as little as possible to get by. But...

1 Corinthians 3:11-15 - "For no one can lay any foundation than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ. If anyone builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw , his work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test each man's work. If what he has built survives, he will receive his reward. If it is burned up, he will suffer loss; he himself will be saved but only as one escaping through the flames."

eventually the testing of our faith will show our true colors and the effort we have put in towards pursuing God's will. And in those moments of uncomfortable pain and pressure, we will either display the image of Christ or we will be branded with the scars of a person who was burned.

I admit that I have been burned this week. But, I can honestly say that while I got some new scars, I also feel that I lost some of those impurities as well. And that I am possibly a little closer to becoming something the silversmith can truly use. That is my hope and prayer: that my eyes would be not on the fire, or the silver, but on the one who makes beauty from ashes. This "giant" I face today is not really anything more than an opportunity to focus and trust God once more. It will work out. I have that promise. And I may have forgotten that for a moment, but, thankfully, it is my foundation.