Back to Life, Back to Reality

I feel like I just got slapped in the face. And man, did I need it. It was high time for me to snap out of that funk that I've been existing in. It was a necessary process, but it was made a shade harder by my constant resistance to it. Its not that I enjoyed being sad and irritable and sensitive. I for sure did not. But maybe I didn't let myself move through the healing process because healing meant moving forward and I wasn't quite ready to do that yet. The spot I was in meant something to me. It had been my feel good place for so long that I was hesitant to leave it.
My hands are relatively small. In fact, some have even made fun of how small they are. But, it is amazing how firm my grasp can be when I am holding on to the things that matter to me. Control is something that defines many of my actions and thoughts. I spend a great deal of time trying to keep things in order and manageable. This includes my feelings, my plans and my expectations. The feeling of being out of control scares me and sometimes leaves me debilitated. But lately, I have been learning that there is so much more life than what I can fit in my little hand. And I am also wrestling with the idea that while the hand may be mine, the things inside it are not. My life is filled with the gifts and blessings of the Father. They have been entrusted to me to use as He sees fit.
Sometimes this means I get to keep, use and enjoy them. At other times, this means that I have to give them back before I am ready. My initial reaction is to whine about the injustice of having to give away something I love. But what I fail to see is that the true injustice is not giving the appropriate amount of gratitude to the giver. There are many reasons why God takes things away: to teach us something new about ourselves, to prepare us for what comes next, to remind us to focus on the giver and not the gift or things that our minds can not even fathom. I believe that God is leading me towards something great and in this period of want He is showing me how to be grateful and that He is still good.
I am smiling again because I know that the truth has set me free. And that truth is that NO MATTER WHAT, I will be ok. And not because I am awesome, or because I am strong. But because I am faithful. And because I believe. Not in myself, not in my circumstances, but in the fact that God is completing me. Still. It is an ongoing process that does not end with this storm. This storm is merely another lesson in how to trust in, cling to and rely on Him. And I obviously need those lessons because I haven't learned them yet.
When I stopped waiting for the answer I wanted and accepted the one I had been given, I was able to trade my sorrow for joy. Not necessarily in the joy that comes from getting what I want, but from the joy that comes from knowing I have all that I need. The answer I want to hear, is not my reality today. I have to choose and decide based on the facts that are true today. I can not let these chances for obedience and trust to pass me by because I am waiting for a different answer. That answer may never come. Or it may be around the corner. And while my heart may hope for things and my spirit may desire certain outcomes, my delight has to come from what God is doing RIGHT NOW, in this circumstance.
I feel pretty certain that God is leading me through this wilderness in to a Promise Land and that this is a time meant for obedience, trust and faith. And while I may not enjoy my time in this desert, I know that He leads me and provides for me here. I can trust that all of this wandering will eventually lead me to the place where I am meant to be. The place He has set aside for me.
My heaviness has not ceased, but that yoke has become considerably lighter because my focus has shifted away from my situation and towards what I need to be learning in and through it.