This was a pretty good day. Looks like there is still some life in me yet. Just kidding. All dramatics aside, I am feeling like maybe I have finally stopped rowing against the wind today. Not to say that my emotions aren't still there, because they surely are. It's just that today I feel that they are more contained. And I like that. I will take what I can get.
Someone recently asked if I was forfeiting what I need because I the fear of letting go was greater than the trust I have in God (that was a paraphrase). I had wanted to say no, surely not. It would be absolutely absurd for me to not trust God. And yet, that person was exactly right. I wear myself out trying to hold on to the things that matter to me. That control freak in me just cannot bare the unknown. And she absolutely can't stand "wait and see". I am a planner and an organizer and that is just who I am. But I am learning, quickly, that this part of me screams SELFISH. This piece of me needs a serious talking to. And believe me, several people have tried recently.
Throughout my life I have tried to make things go my way. I have had some small victories, but when it really counts I rarely succeed. Usually, I am in way over my head. The thing is, it is hard for me to trust and let go and ride out the storm. The planner in me starts demanding back up plans and safety procedures, anything to decrease the damage. How completely silly to think that I can God-proof my life. Really, who do I think I am? I will tell you, I think that I am Right.
But this week, I am learning that sometimes "disasters" come when we are least prepared and most unaware. They even come despite our plans and precautions. However, our preacher said a few weeks ago, if you have a plan B, you aren't trusting God. So true. So very very true. This path I am on will lead to something pretty great. I trust that. It may be dark and scary right now but it is leading to something wonderful. I have an idea of what I want God to do and where I hope He leads me. But, EVEN IF HE DOESN'T, He is still good. And even if His path forks to the left, when I'd rather go right, I will stay the course. I will not labor in vain.
It took me a few days to release my grip on my plans and expectations for the future. In fact, my knuckles are still sore from the effort. But...and this is a big but... I do trust that the things of God cannot be stopped. I do know that His ways are higher than my ways. Surely He has this thing figured out. I am learning to open my tiny hand and return God's gifts to Him. They were never really mine anyway.
Jesus, thank You for the gifts You give and for the things You take away.
Thank You for the daily bread You've given me today.
Jesus, thank You for dancing and the joy that it brings
Thank You also for the mourning and the not so pleasant things
Jesus, thank You for the cloud by day and the fire in the night
Thank You that the darkness helps me see Your light
Jesus, thank You for the trials and the character they bring
Thank You that in this jail cell I have a song to sing
Jesus, thank You for my ashes and for my weakness too
Thank You that my delight comes only in trusting You
photo taken from a friend without their permission. sorry, friend. (not really)
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