I can't fight this feeling anymore...

" So take it! Take another little piece of my heart now baby.
And break it! break another little piece of my heart- I know you will"

Basically, I have been living these Janis Joplin lyrics for a while now. I have been giving my husband permission to break my heart, over and over again, because I believed it would come to some happy resolution in the end. I have screamed and cried and asked myself why on many occasions. And the thing is... that sometimes it just "is what it is".

When I got married, I had this vision of what the wedding and the marriage would be like. And this image was based on what I had seen from my parents, my friends and the media. I had taken these snip its of other people's lives (both real and fiction) and decided that I would get the happy ending. And I married someone that I thought could give that to me. And then life happened. And I found out that marriage is hard and it is more than kisses and kids - it is leading your heart when it is hurt or offended and would rather not be there.

To be fair, I have had some wonderful moments as a wife. I have enjoyed my wifely role and relished what it brought to my life. But lately, being a wife has been hard. Really hard. And even on my best days, what I have to offer is not enough to get the results I want. And the loss of this dream is heart breaking.

Today, I have been knocked on my rear end by life and love. I have found myself asking questions that I never dreamed I would be asking. Certainly, I feel like I should be on the cover of one of those entertainment magazines with a picture of my husband and I with a big rip down the middle and some dramatic headline with an exclamation point. At this time I don't know what my headline would say. I haven't filled in those blanks yet. But I do know that I believe in love. I like being in love and I support and embrace the concept of marriage. My sister is getting married soon and I am so happy that she is entering in to that union. But for whatever reason, my fairy tale ending hasn't' come. Maybe it's around the corner or perhaps it is at the end of a different chapter.

I am sad today and a little angry. I have given love free reign in my life and allowed it to hurt me and heal me in turns. And I do not regret that. What I have a hard time accepting is that love only has so much weight and strength and then it is up to people to do something with it. And people are fickle creations. They can change their mind on a dime. People can cherish your heart one day and break it the next. And all you can do is be in charge of you and make the right choices and reactions for yourself. Even though I may choose the best path, the one I feel called to, doesn't mean I get what I want. Because in the end, everyone has that choice, and someone else may choose wrongly or for the wrong reasons. And that is life.

My wounded heart will heal and love will remain. But today I grieve for what was, what is and what may never be.

" Smile when your heart is aching.

Smile, even though it's breaking.
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by.

If you smile, through your fear and sorrow.

Smile, and maybe tomorrow

You'll see the sun come shining through for you.

Light up your face with gladness.

Hide every trace of sadness.

Although a tear may be ever so near

That's the time you must keep on trying

Smile, what's the use of crying?

You'll find that life is still worthwhile

If you just smile. "

And that is the new choice I am making. I started off this blog talking about my choice to continue to let my heart get broken and I am ending by saying that my choice now is to keep on trying to find joy in the sadness. And for me, thankfully, there is much to be glad about. Friends, family, faith and my beautiful baby boy. These things are the sun before, during and after the storm.

I'll Be Back... And I am Back

I just returned from an 11 day vacation. It was very relaxing. My parents, the baby and I rented an RV and went camping at 3 different state parks. I have always been a camper and grew up playing in the river and sleeping in a tent. In fact, there were many years when my families only vacation was our yearly camping trip to Garner State Park. I have incredible memories of camping and tubing that have served as wonderful highlights and milestones of my youth and early adulthood.

It has always been important to me to make sure that I get to go on some sort of vacation with my child. I want to be able to get away and enjoy new experiences with him. And so, this week was doubly special for me. I got to take Luke to a place that is part of my family history and tradition, Garner State Park, and also got to do something I have never done before... travel in an RV.

Luke had a great time exploring the river and the lake water. His whole swimming experience has been limited ot the pool and the bath tub. So it was great to see him splashing in the Pedernales River and tubing down small rapids on the Frio. It was also fun to do the traditional camping standards like roasting smores and swinging in the hammock.

These last few months have been very trying on my mind, body and spirit. It was a much needed time of rest and reflection that I didn't want to end. Being surrounded by nature and God's creation reminded me of how huge and in control God really is. It was a wonderful vacation - my first one with Luke. I hope that we have started a new tradition for our family.

Mom's the Word

Here are some of my favorite pictures from Mother's Day. We ended up playing and swimming at my parent's house for the day and we had a blast:

Look is getting ready to jump to his Paw Paw.



Me and my momma.

My sister, Roo, jumping on to the mattress float.

Monkey see, monkey do. Luke and PawPaw chillaxin on the sun deck.

Me and my monster floating and enjoying the day.

Being a mom is my greatest pleasure and joy. It has made me a better person and brought such a sense of peace in to my life. My son is a delight. He is funny and smart and silly. I am so proud of the person he is becoming and the role I have in that. My second Mother's Day was wonderful! And thanks also to my own mother, who has never stopped giving of herself to make her children's lives bigger and better. You are my rock and I love sharing the joy of motherhood with you. I have learned so much from you. And to my mother in law, you are a true blessing. I thank you for all you are and do.

Movin' On Up

As a mother, you sort of tie in your success as a mother with the milestones that your child reaches. It shouldn't be a competition, but for the competitive sorts, like me, it can be that. I like to see where my child falls on the charts. Most of that happened in the first year with the crawling, walking, teething, pulling up tasks. Now that we are approaching year 2, the milestones are not as frequent but they are more challenging. Now we are trying to tackle talking, reasoning, memorization, recognition and all those other mind tasks. And so I want to take this moment to brag on my child. He has just turned 20 months and he is cruising along the developmental track. Everyday is something new and surprising and I am often floored by what comes out of his mouth and what I catch him doing and trying. So here is the wrap up:

We have not had much trouble with him letting me dress him. He has been a real helper in that area for a while now. But in recent weeks he has started trying to dress himself. He can say "shorts", "shirt", "shoes" and "socks". So we have all the essentials. He has started to pick out what he wants to wear and has me help him put it on. And being ever so fashionable, my son is in to layering. He continues to bring me article after article and gets upset when I refuse to put the clothes on him. His opinions are definitely developing and showing themselves.

The last time I dropped Luke off at his Grammy's for the weekend she asked me what the word "six" is being used for. She said he had been saying it a lot and that she couldn't decide what he was trying to say. At this age he is attempting a lot of words and sometimes they are hard to decipher. It can be a guessing game of what he is trying to say. And I assumed that that was the case here as well. But the next day, he was lining up his crayons and saying "Two, Six, Nine". He was counting!! I could not believe it. He has the sequence pretty far off... and I don't know why those numbers stuck out to him... but he is counting none the less. I am shocked... and very pleased. When we go down the stairs he counts them as well, and every time it is the same 2-6-9.

As for swimming, he is doing really well. He obviously can not swim yet but he is trying. He loves the water and has never had a problem jumping in or putting his face int he water. But that was the extent of it. Since starting swim classes he is moving a bit more. He starts kicking and paddling as soon as he hits the water and will reach for whatever he wants. And in his class they do this thing called "monkey hands". Basically that means that they walk themselves around the edge of the pool with their hands until they can stand up. He is a champ at the monkey hands. He can monkey his way all around the pool. He has even started doing monkey tricks by hanging on with one hand. It is pretty cute.

And lastly, he is talking in sentences. When did that happen? It just sort of started all of the sudden. One day it was "house" and "dog" and then he woke up and said, "what is this?". And this is the sentence of the day. Everything is "what is this?". Even if he just asked you, he will get on a roll and ask you the same thing 3 more times before he moves on. It is cute, but also annoying. He can also ask "what happened?", "where did it go?" and "who is that?". So now I can actually talk to him. This is good since I spend most of my time with him. But I think my favorite thing is when he grabs my hand and says " come on, mommy" or "hand,please" and then leads me here or there. It touches my heart that he wants to be with me and wants me to experience things with him. I love that.

He is not a baby anymore and I find it hard to admit that. He is getting bigger everyday and he is not looking back. I love having this little person around that I can play with and talk to and laugh with. But when I rock him to sleep or hold him as he cries I hold on a little bit harder and stay there a little bit longer. Before I know it he will be too big and he will not want mommy as much. I am thrilled to say that we are starting the potty stage after vacation. It will be hard work but I will not regret being able to go through the grocery store without having to spend $15 on diapers every week. Look out world... my baby is moving on up!!

Trying to get up that great big hill

A friend told me today that they know a lot of people who blog, and that there is not enough time to read everyone's posts. And this is okay with them because most of their friend's posts are just about their kids. And while I love my son to the tips of my fingertips, I know that there is more to me than being a mommy. So, for the sake of my friend's reading pleasure, and for those others who secretly feel the same, here is a sample of the thoughts that go through my head...

I am not what you would call "athletic". I jog and I enjoy physical activities, but I would never do cross country or a marathon and I would never EVER do hurdles. At least not in the physical sense. But lately, I have been going through some life hurdles. It can become quite daunting and cumbersome to be looking down the road of your life and seeing the potholes and hurdles in your path. But the real kicker are the unforeseen hurdles, the ones that come up on you awfully quick and threaten to trip you up. I am not a fan of those.

Sometimes it feels like I have completed a huge journey, climbed up that huge hill, and made it through the desert to the water... only to find that there is another bend in the road, or that the water was just a mirage. But that is life. Occasionally you get what you want, but it takes work and dedication and a lot of determination. And none of it would ever get done without motivation. Currently, my motivation in life is living for God. And this sounds "churchy" but what I mean is that I realize that there is a God that is in control of this life and who wants the best for me. And when I work alongside Him and allow Him to move in and through me, then GREAT things happen. Things that I could never do on my own or even imagine possible. And this is hope. This is knowing that there is something bigger and better and that all of this... life... is a means to an end. All of the pain and heartache and ups and downs are just a road to what is meant for me. And I don't know what it is. But I am determined to get there.

Some people call it walking the straight and narrow. Or even choosing the road less travelled by. And I suppose that I am making choices that many would call insane and most do not understand. But I make them with a belief that they are right. This path I am on appears very untraveled. In fact, sometimes I feel lost and alone in a foreign land. But I have friends and I have family who love me and who motivate me to follow my gut and lead my heart. And so I am motivated to take that next step and to keep moving and jumping... but today, I feel the exhaustion.

Today I feel worn out from all these hurdles. I need rest. Which is why I am thrilled to be going on vacation next week. I am going camping with my family. And I couldn't be more excited. The timing is superb. Tomorrow will bring new mercies and new strength. And I am confident that my hope will remain and that my strength will endure. That is the joy in believing that I am not in control. But that doesn't mean that today doesn't hurt... or that there will not be tears tonight. I guess all of this was on my heart and I wanted to share the journey of my emotions and the condition of my spirit. I know I tend to lean towards the dramatic, and I am not depressed or stressed... I am just worn out, emotionally. I have been hit hard by life, in a way that I never expected and didn't prepare for. And on some days I need to remember to refill my cup and to recharge my battery before I deplete my energy. And that is where my faith and those I love come in. They fuel me for this joureny of life. They create happy days in the middle of the storm. They remind me that even on the hard days... my cup runneth over.

Week in Review

I am looking at my blog and thinking "my last post was on Wednesday, how can that be?". I am slacking a bit on my blogging. For shame. And I know that my eager fans have been disappointed for days at not having my juicy tidbits to read. So I will oblige:

Last week was a very good week. It was full of work and the normal hum-drum, but it was also the first week of Mommy's Summer Camp. That is a pretty grand title for what it actually entails though. See, I am what you would call an OVER-achiever... in an annoying way. I like to plan and make lists and organize my time and thoughts in a very visual and tangible way. And my latest brain-child is a summer schedule to follow for my son and I to try new things and explore our world. So here is the schedule:

Monday is Nana Day. Luke is with Nana all day so that has become her day.
Tuesday is Nature/Science Day.
Wednesday is Arts/Crafts Day.
Thursday is Splash Day.
Friday is Field Trip/Fine Arts Day.

It is all very exciting. For me anyway - I am sure that Luke doesn't know and doesn't care. But last week was our first official week with the schedule and it went smashingly. View, Exhibit A:

On Tuesday we went on a Nature Walk in a nearby park and found some leaves and flowers that caught our eye. And then, because it is Houston and the mosquito's are a terror, we had to promptly go back inside. But we took our leaf, smelled it, and then did a rubbing with crayons. Luke thoroughly enjoyed coloring the paper and the counter. But his artwork was so pretty:

On Wednesday, we broke out the water paints for the first time ever. I think Luke was more impressed with dipping the brush in the paint and water (all by himself) than he was with the actual painting process. But still, he painted two lovely masterpieces. We kept one and sent one to Grammy for a Mother's Day gift:

Thursday was a bit rushed because Mommy had a lot of work responsibilities that she had to juggle. But because it was Splash Day, and my little fish loves the water, we found an extra thirty minutes to splash and play in the brand new pool - complete with slide. This was a very fun activity that Luke enjoyed so much that he cried when our allotted time was up:

And then Friday came and we went on our FIELD TRIP!!! We went to the Downtown Aquarium! It was so much fun! We even had guests come with us... Nana and Paw Paw. Luke got to do some pretty great things:

He watched the marine life.

Touched a sting ray and a shark.

Rode the Ferris Wheel...

the carousel...

and the train.

He even got to do some splashing in the dancing fountains.

Luke had such a great time that he was striking this pose within five minutes of getting in the car.

What a great end to our first week of summer camp.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

Ok, so I really like Jim Halpert. But what girl doesn't? However, I like him for what he can do for me... which is providing a hair standard for my son. Infact, I have been told that he has "Jim Hair" by more than a few people. And I must say that this remark makes me very happy. I like the long and shaggy look.

We have devoted a lot of time and attention into getting Luke's hair to the Jim Halpert level. Actually, we just didn't cut his hair for long periods of time and it just sort of grew into a shaggy-do... who knew?

This Monday, Luke got his hair cut for the 3rd time in his short life. The Lord has blessed him with a thick head of hair that only keeps multiplying as time goes by. We tried things a little differently this time. My cousin is a hairstylist and she has been cutting his hair. He got his first cut at 8 months old...

It's a very cute cut and we were pleased with the end result.

So we again went with my cousin for the second cut. Luke was 15 months old and a lot more active. We had to find some inventive tactics for keeping him occupied while he got his haircut...

The end result was nice, but the process was tedious for all parties involved. A squirming, crying, fidgeting toddler doe snot make for the world's greatest customer.

So this time we splurged and got adventurous and took him to a kiddie salon called Kool Kuts. First they buttered him up while he waited with a Thomas the Train play area...

Then they sat him in the car chair and sprayed him down.

He got to watch a DVD while she cut his hair.

And the end result was a tailored shag that I give two thumbs up. Way up!

So thank you Kool Kuts. You have my business as long as my little one remains too active to sit through a regular hair cut without all the bells and whistles. Which lets face it, may never happen. But hey, all the haircut with half the headache is worth every penny.