If You Lead, I Will Follow

When I first started my journey in to marital separation, I read this wonderful passage from a book. I don't remember what book, because I read many in those early days, but this book said something to the effect of this: everyone tells you to follow your heart. But this can sometimes make us follow a feeling. And love is more than a feeling. It is a choice. When you get married, you are choosing to love someone better or worse, sick or healthy, rich or poor. And at times you will not want to love this person, but you will choose to. And this is a healthy marriage. This is leading your heart to love no matter what, instead of following it wherever it wants to go.

OK, so I really clung to this ideology. I embraced the notion that I would lead my heart to love, no matter what. And that served me well in that I was able to love despite incredible odds and amidst terrible hurts. I was able to live up to the vows that I made on that wedding day 4 years ago. And I was able to cling to that promise of forever up until there was nothing more that I could do. I am in the last days of a dying battle for my marriage. The "d" word has been thrown on the table and because of circumstances it is the likely choice for both of us. I make this decision with a heavy heart, because every princess wants the happy ending. But I also make it knowing that I fought hard for love and I led my heart in to a bloody battle for what I believed in.

There is a comfort in knowing that you served, and served well. It is freeing to know that you were faithful and true. And still sad to know that even so, you didn't win. In the process of my grieving I have been through anger, denial, sadness and then sweet acceptance only to find myself back at anger once again. It is a long process that you don't get over quickly. And even when you feel you do, a word, a situation, a bad driver, anything... can startle a surprise out of you that is born from hidden emotion and repressed feelings. At times it feels like it never ends.

But what I have learned is that you can lead your heart to do other things besides love. You can lead it to heal and forgive and let go. You can lead it to kindness and mercy. And you can lead it to self-respect and strength. It is easy to give up and give in to the feelings of a situation. I could easily sleep all day, cry in my pillow, curse out a stranger, hide from the world and never dare to laugh and love. Or I can lead myself to joy and hope. And when you seek and find it... hope springs eternal. I am leading myself to seek, knowing that in time I will find...