One Small Step

Yesterday I did a pretty big thing. I drove myself to the District Clerk's Office and filed for divorce. On the way there I felt several things and it took me a few prayers and a few wise words from a friend to get it together. But I did eventually get it together and waited in line and filed the papers that are necessary to start this process. And let me be clear... I think it was time to start this process. And I feel quite certain that this is the action I need to be taking. While I am sad - for my marriage, my family and my dreams - I am also accepting of this as a closing of a chapter so that another might begin. I have had my share of praying, debating and talking to myself about this. It was not a decision taken lightly or decided on rashly. It has been a decision 14 months in the making. Because about 14 months ago, my marriage changed. And despite my best efforts, it was not something that could be fixed. It takes two to make a partnership work and one person just can't want it enough for two. So time moves on and feelings shift and realities take new shapes. This is unfortunate but it is also the way healing works. And I welcome healing. There was a time when I cried through this pain. And then there was a time when anger guided me through. And now, I am in the middle of acceptance. But before complete acceptance can come, there has to be closure. So that is the process I am in now. I am finding my closure. Of course there are pieces of me that feel guilt at officially ending something so important. And there are also feelings of fear about being a 29 year old divorcee with a child. I never thought that would be me. But this is my reality. This is what I have been handed. Now I must make the most if it. I have learned to trust that still small voice inside that is telling me that I can be free. I know I am just babbling on and probably sharing more than you want to hear. I think I wanted to be honest about what is going on and how it is affecting me. This is a huge part of my life - for better or worse. And if you know me and care about me then I want you to be involved in this and to know how and what I need encouragement for. So here it is... on the table. I am handling it well and looking forward, not back. Thanks for those of you who have supported me in this and been there when I needed to cry or talk or vent. you have made this journey much easier.