Odds and Ends

I know I already posted today, but I had a few requests for pictures and videos.

This one is of me and the kiddo watching American Idol together on the couch.

So Lindsey, here is your tattoo picture. Just an Icthus. Nothing fancy.

and Grammy, here are some videos of your tyke.

This is Luke attempting to wink. So funny.

Here he is singing with his mommy.

And this last video is of Luke being a boy.

And for everyone else, here are some cute pictures to look at.

Hard at work on the computer.

Peek-a-boo in the sheets.

Watching a movie in his very own rocking chair.

Raining on My Parade

Lately, the view out of my window has looked a lot like this picture. It has rained and flooded and made a general muck of things. It has been raining in my life lately too and I can't decide if it is much needed or making a muck of things. The funny thing about rain is that it exists in nature to water the Earth and provide life and growth and refreshment. But when it comes in either extreme, the effects can be negative. Too much water and the floodgates open. Too little water and everything dries up and perishes. In my life, I am getting showered on. Now, I love music and one of my favorite songwriters is Nicole Nordeman. And she wrote a song that finds its way into my heart quite frequently:

If all that's good and true,

comes from Heaven

Then what's a girl to do

when it rains?

And I'm askin'

why,why,why,why?

I'm shaking a fist in the dark

and I'm askin'

why,why,why,why?

Why does it keep getting harder

to say thanks?

They say that when it rains, it pours. And often times it seems like I have the Job syndrome where it's one sucker punch after another. And it really seems difficult to find a way to be thankful for all that rain.

But they also say that "This too shall pass". And that is also true. Today it may be raining, but tomorrow might be a beautiful day. It's like this picture I saw of a cemetery in Galveston,TX:

Amidst all of the symbols and markers of death, God reminds us that there can still be beauty. In the darkest hours, in the saddest of circumstances - there are still traces of life and growth. So with that in mind, I need to change my heart song to this familiar tune instead:

Singin' in the rain,

just singin' in the rain,

What a glorious feeling - I'm happy again.

Let the stormy clouds chase,

everyone from the place.

Come on with the rain,

I've a smile on my face.

I walk down the lane,

with a happy refrain

just singin' and dancin' in the rain.

There are days when I really hate the rain because it makes everything messy and gloomy and keeps me indoors where I feel trapped and isolated. But then again, there are times when I feel dry and cracked and a little rain is exactly what I need to keep my face pointed towards the sky and my roots stretching down. Because they also say" Don't wait out the storm, learn to dance in the rain". They sure do say a lot don't they? At any rate, it seems like some pretty good advice.

Elliot

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

ELLIOT SKAGGS!!

You are loved and missed.

Everybody Cut Loose, Footloose

When I was pregnant I was one of those women that got really swollen feet. It got so bad that I had to wear Crocs with my dress pants to work. And even those were so tight that my skin poked through the holes like a Play-Doh fun factory. After he was born I used those feet to rock my child to sleep every night during feedings and nap times and in the wee hours of the morning when nothing else would work. I use these feet of mine everyday, in thousands of ways, doing things for my child. It is a rare occasion when my feet take me to places that I want to go. And an even rarer treat when I get to kick up my feet and let them relax. But this weekend, that is exactly what I did. I was without child this weekend and I let my feet take me to all sorts of wonderful places. I want to share this journey through my weekend, as seen through the perspective of two very happy feet:

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

(My feet got a massage)

SUNDAY

My church feet

Reunited, and it feels so good.

TGIF

OK, so I know I am jumping the gun here on this but Friday is a mere 2 hours away. It is here, in spirit. I am already feeling the excitement of the weekend and all the wonders it holds. Which brings me back to that little catchphrase: TGIF. Thank goodness it is Friday. Now, I am a child of the 80's. I absolutely love the 80's. Love the movies, the music, the terrible fashion and the awesome TV. I vividly remember gluing myself to the TV for the TGIF lineup. Those were the days. Living for Friday night - when a pizza, a soft couch and the love of adorable Uncle Jesse were all you needed. So this got me thinking... if I could make my perfect TGIF line-up, and watch it tonight, which TV shows would be on my "must-see" list? This is assuming that I actually have 3.5 hours set aside for TV watching, which, let's face it, never happens anymore. But for arguments sake, we will say that today is blessed and I am veggin' it out old school style. Here is what I would want to see:

7 - 7:30 pm - Whet my palette with a favorite - FRIENDS - season 8-10 preferably.
7:30 - 8 pm - The Office - laughing at Michael is sometimes the highlight of my day.
8-9 pm - Project Runway.
9-10 pm - So You Think You Can Dance - at the end of which I would call and vote, naturally.
10-10:30 pm - Scrubs - have to finish it off with a laugh and a daydream sequence.

So there it is... my glorious night of television watching. What is pretty cool is that if I had DVR I could totally make this happen. Unfortunately, I don't. But a girl can dream can't she?

A Few of My Favorite Things

Yesterday I was sick. I had a bad case of the stomach yucks. I stayed in bed most of the day and took a 3 hour nap with my baby boy. It felt so good. Still, yesterday was not my favorite day. But today I woke up and felt better. Much better. So much better, in fact, that by naptime (10:30 am) I was already claiming that it was "a good day". And as Luke laid down for nap, I began thinking about what makes today so good. The answers came rapidly. And I became aware that a lot of the things on my list today, would be on my list everyday... they make everyday good. Thus, the My Favorite Things List was conceived and here it is in all it's glory:





1. A good book. This is my "TO READ" bookshelf. It is always fully stocked. I buy books faster than I can read them.

2. The view from my balcony. It is a little piece of country right in the middle of the city.

3. My bath tub. I am nice enough to share it with my toddler, thus all the bath toys.

4. Brownie samples at H-E-B. They may be messy but they are worth it.

5. Getting a new movie in the mail from Blockbuster.com. Currently I am watching Season 3 of One Tree Hill (a very guilty pleasure).

6. Crayola bath tub crayons. They make my little guy feel like a regular Picasso. He gets so inspired that his art often escapes the tub and finds its way onto other canvases around the house.

7. A vanilla iced coffee from McDonald's. I get one every Monday morning and whenever else I can justify it as a necessity. Which turns out to be pretty frequently.

8. The in-car DVD player. Because it does this to my child...

...well, the whole

tv zombie thing is actually quite scary...but we both love how it makes a trip so much shorter.

9. My son's wonderful dancing.

It brings a smile to my face everytime he gets his groove on.

10. Funny little animal noises that come

from the mouth of one funny little babe.

So in a nutshell... I am a grateful girl today. It is a great day. Because of these ten reasons and also because I am not glued to the toilet. Can I get an amen? Amen.

1-866-IDOLS-0 My gosh!

This just in... Leslie loves American Idol. OK, so this may not seem like Earth shattering news to anyone else, but this revelation has capsized my boat. I have made a very successful habit of publicly disliking American Idol. And for the last 7 seasons I have managed to make it through the season blissfully unaware of what was going down over there on FOX and the Idol stage. But then season 8 came along and I was somehow sucked in to the vortex of Idol. So much so, in fact, that tonight I actually called in and voted. Twice. I suddenly became that girl who calls and calls and endures busy signal after annoying busy signal until my call went through. I just could not bare to watch my "favorite" get booted with the knowledge that I did not vote to save them. Darn you FOX television, you have won this battle for my viewership. I never thought I would see the day. Move over Claymates, this fan is has officially gone Idol crazy.

And just in case you are wondering where my Idol loyalty lies... I am going with Kris Allen. Sorry Matt Giraud, I lost that loving feeling buddy. Now my fingers dial for Kris. Could my votes save him this week? I hope so. Goree, out.

Just Keep Swimming...Just Keep Swimming...

This is my son, he is 1 and a half, and he is a swimmer. Well technically he is more of a sinker than a swimmer, but all in good time. My parents fulfilled my life long dream in the fall of 2008 and they got a pool. At that time, my son was 4 months old and whenever the pool was heated, he would be in it. So naturally he has become a full-fledged tadpole. When it comes to water, there is absolutely no fear in this child. At first we thought this was a good thing. But as he started jumping and diving and going under the water without hesitation, we realized we needed to be proactive. So our little kiddo is in swim lessons. He goes every Monday, for 30 minutes. His little class is made up of 6 little toddlers ages 4 months to 2 years. Right now he has the distinction of being the oldest kid in the class. So he has a lot at stake here because the other kids are looking to him to set the example. He has been taking classes for 6 weeks or so and I have had the pleasure of being there for two lessons. Because my schedule doesn't allow me to go to the lessons, my mom takes him. It just so happened that I was able to go along for the ride today and I took some pictures during his lesson. I watched from behind a glass window on the opposite side of the pool so the images are somewhat fuzzy. Here is a play-by-play of the lesson, from a proud Mommy's vantage point:

Floating on his back. He actually hates this part. It only lasts for a few seconds.

Diving in!

Practicing his strokes.

This is a video of Luke playing and jumping off of the floating mat. As you can see, Luke has a hard time staying focused. Although Nana has her ways of keeping him alert.

Bottom line: My kid is the next Michael Phelps. Or at the very least, he is the best swimmer in his class. He has set the bar very high indeed. His mother is so proud.

Calling a Spade, a Spade

Let me first preface this post by saying that this is very sensitive material. It took me some time to decide how to say this and when to say it and I have come to the conclusion that now is the time. I know that if you are reading this, then you are within my circle of trust, otherwise you wouldn't have this blog URL or any interest in reading it. So I will continue in faith and trust, knowing that you will care and will use this information wisely. That being said... let's begin.

I want to start with the simple statement: my husband and I are separated. Gosh! That was as hard to write as it has been to wrap my brain around. And with that simple statement, there is a more complex story behind it: my husband asked for a separation on December 2, 2008. Basically, there were some issues in our marriage that he wanted us to step back and really look at and he felt that some distance might give us a fresh perspective. I did not disagree. After a week of thinking and praying, he decided for us to continue the separation. I did not agree. And since then, we have been living apart. I have wrestled with God on this and found Him to be faithful and good, even in this heartache and confusion.

I do not believe in divorce and married knowing that it was not an option for my future. I still believe that. I do not want a divorce and I am praying and hoping that it will not come to that. I have found solace and strength from friends and family who have cried with me, encouraged me, told me the hard truths and helped me to find joy in the journey. It has been a hard road filled with hurt beyond explanation. But... it has also helped me to realize that I am strong, and faithful and hopeful to my core.

There are a lot of questions still remaining when it comes to my marriage. Right now, the situation doesn't look hopeful. I don't think that my husband's mind and heart are in the same place as mine. And I don't know what to do about that except to pray and believe and live. I heard this statement in some reading I was doing lately: you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you won't be able to cure it. That is where I am at. I can't control anyone but myself. I will only be held accountable for my actions, and reactions and responses in any situation. And so I have steadied myself for this battle. I will carry hope for a renewed marriage and stay faithful to what I believe in my heart. But I will also laugh, and sing, and find joy in other things.

I didn't know if I should share this, or if this was the place to do it. But I am glad that I did because there is freedom in sharing the truth. I want you guys to know, so that you can pray for us and encourage me and hold me accountable to the things that I have said here. I want to tell you so that I can face my fear that this imperfect marriage means that I am not good enough. I know that this is untrue and silly, but most fears are.

Anyway, thanks to everyone who has read this and took it to heart. I am finding new joy every day and learning to hope, against all hope. There is a song that I have clung to in this time. I would like to share the lyrics from that sing as I close this blog:

The pathway is broken
and the signs are unclear.
And I don't the reason
why You brought me here.
But just because You love me
the way that You do...
I'm gonna walk through the valley,
if You want me to.

Cuz, I'm not who I was
when I took my first step.
And I'm clinging to the promise
that You're not through with me yet.
So if all of these trials,
bring me closer to You...
then I will walk through the fire
if You want me to.

It may not be the way that I would have chosen.
When You lead me through a world that's not my home.
But You never said it would be easy.
You only said I'd never go alone.

So when the whole world turns against me.
And I'm all by myself.
And I can't hear You answer
my cries for help.
I'll remember the struggle
Your love put you through...
and I will go through the valley
if You want me to.

- "If You Want Me To" by Ginny Owens

I'll Be There for You...Cause You're There for Me Too

For those who don't know, I am a die hard FRIENDS fan. I have watched every single episode, I own every single season and I can kill anyone in a round of Friends Scene It. In fact, I can take pretty much any situation or conversation and bring it back to a Friends quote. I think I like the show because it is about individual people, with their own quirky habits and flaws, that make up a circle of friends. I relate to this show because I too have a circle of friends with the same quirkiness and solidarity that the show creates.

I have been blessed beyond measure for a great number of friends that I can count on in sticky situations. Most of these friends have been around for years and years, and in some cases more than a decade. When I find a friend, a true friend, I keep it and treasure it. I do not want to discount these friends, many of whom are reading this blog, but right now I am specifically talking about a group of people that originated in Georgetown, TX.

What started as a random gathering of similar interests and sense of humor has grown and blossomed over the last 6 years in to something I am proud to be a part of. I met my husband there, I discovered myself there, I found healing and honesty there. In that group of people, I have found trust, loyalty and laughter. We have made each other a priority and have watched each other get married, have babies and move away. And even though we are spread across Texas at this very moment, I feel connected to them. I have the certainty that if I called any one of them, even at this late hour, that they would answer and listen without hesitation. And even more than that, they would love me enough to tell me the truth, even when it hurts, if that is the best thing for me.

Recently, I sent out a call for help, a request to join forces with me in prayer and all of these came running. And as we sat around the room, I was struck by how lucky I was to have these "friends". I realized that I was quite literally surrounded by a circle of friends who would be there when I needed them most. And this is the true meaning of friendship. To these people, I want to say thank you. I have had some of the best moments of my life within your love and presence.

And for those others of you that have been there for me I want you to know that you are also in my heart. There were many in that circle of prayer and many more who were there in spirit. I have the world's best friends. I cherish all of you. I say again, my cup runneth over.

Easter Wrap-Up

So I live in a house with other families. That is a long story and I can get into that later. But basically I am in charge of running this household. It is a Christian organization and we uphold Christian beliefs and values. That being said, there was an Easter Egg hunt at the house. The day of the Egg Hunt, I was talking to a four year old boy who lives at the house. I asked him why we celebrated Easter. He didn't know so we talked about Jesus and the cross and the resurrection. He was very interested and asked some questions. One of which was this: "So Jesus died on the cross so we could hunt Easter Eggs?"

Not quite the point I was making. But it did reiteraste to me the message that is being sent about Easter. (Now let me make this point clear:I love egg hunts and will continue to have them for my kiddo. And I will celebrate Jesus and the Resurrection and make sure that the cross is the focus of the holiday and not a basket full of sweets. ) But back to the little 4 year old boy: We cleared up his confusion and then we hunted eggs. It was very fun. I am not sure how the Easter Bunny entered the Easter picture or why he brings eggs (since I am pretty sure rabbits do NOT lay eggs). But it was fun none the less. Here are some pictures of my little guy hunting and gathering his loot.

www.tooeasytobuythignsidon'tneed.com

I went online to my Chase account today and I saw a shocking site. It wasn't the lack of funds I have, I am used to that. It was the amount of times that Target and Old Navy and Amazon and Shutterfly showed up in my checking account debit charge history. It is with great defeat that i admit that I may have an online shopping problem. The trick is to never buy too much at one time or from one store. That way you don't actually feel like you are spending that much money. To justify this, mostly to myself, I admit that my purchases stay within the $25-$30 range. And that happens probably only once a week. So, it is not an actual addiction and it is not really "breaking the bank" so to speak. I just love the feeling of accomplishment and adventure that comes from searching for an item and I love the ease of buying them from my laptop, sitting in my bed, wearing my pajamas, at one in the morning. And don't get me started on the feeling that comes with getting that package in the mail. I went a little crazy with the online shopping for Easter. I bought a few movies for the munchkin. And some books. And a few puzzles. Now some of that stuff was from Craigslist, so they really were quite a steal. Too good to pass up, if I am being completely honest. I would like to believe that since the holiday has passed, the shopping will subside. But in the back of my mind I can think of all of the millions of books I need to read, the clothes Luke MUST have and the bathtub caddy Ihave had my eye on for a while at Target. I must abstain. And I will defeat this urge to shop from home. I just had to admit these imperfections to keep me humble. I hope those of you reading this do not suffer the same affliction, but if you do... join me in the stance against convenience shopping. Together, we can make a difference.

Next time on My Secret Confessions: I will talk about my desperate need for all things related to Borders and my passion for Red Box. Until then...

If You're Happy and You Know It...

As a parent, the smallest little milestones in your child's life are earth-shattering. And nothing makes you more proud than watching your little mini-me learn something new or try something they haven't done before. My son, Luke, is 19 months now and he is hitting new milestones left and right. He has mastered the walking and moved right through to running and now we are smack dab in the middle of talking. Each day there is a new word that comes from his mouth that causes me to pause. At times I wonder where he learned that specific word and at other times it is a word that I have been coaching him to say for days and then suddenly it just pops out at the most random times. And then there are those other times when the word that he chooses to use is one that you would rather not hear. It is a word that you have said in a lesser moment - a moment when your guard is down from anger or pain and the tongue is extra loose. And that is not a moment of pride. It is a moment of total awareness that your child sees and will ultimately copy everything you say and do.

Yesterday, Luke and I went to the park and he was going down all of the slides. Luke is all boy and he loves the adventure of climbing to the top of the slide and then sailing down. He used to reach for the hand of an adult to steady him and prepare him for the descent. But as I watched him at the park, I realized that he doesn't need me as much as he used to. And in that moment I was both proud of his independence and sad that he isn't a baby anymore. He was walking across the play bridge, taking one unsteady step after another - and there was uncertainty in his eyes but he never reached for me. And he made it slowly to the other side where he clapped and shouted "yeah".

All of these things were great in and of themselves, but the real smile moment came when Luke and I climbed to the top of the highest slide at the park. This slide had never been attempted before because it was considered a "big-boy slide" and we weren't ready for that. But seeing his independence on the small stuff, I figured we would attempt a bigger challenge. And as I sat at the bottom of the slide I had my camera aimed on his face. And this is what I saw through that lense:

Now I don't know if you caught what he said on the way down, but the word was "happy". This was the first time I had heard him say this word and I was floored to hear it. I was so proud of my cute little man who was proudly proclaiming his happiness with that one pure word, "happy". He continued to use the word throughout the day for various reasons - doign a puzzle, getting tickled and even reading a book. And this morning as I was placing him in his high chair to eat a McDonald's sausage mcgriddle sandwich and a hash brown I heard him exclaim over and over again, "happy,happy, happy". These cute little moments are what parenting is all about. It is the reward for all of the sleepless nights and crying fits that you must endure.

Being a parent is very hard work and you constantly wonder if you are doing a good job and providing the kind of structure and example that will nurture a child of strong character. And today I was pleased to know that my child is happy many times throughout his day. It was good to hear him communicate his joy over the big and small things in life. It was a nice reminder to find the silver lining in things, everyday - even in a McDonalds McGriddle sandwich.

So there you go. My son is growing up and getting more independent. And this is good. He is also unafraid to challenge himself and to express his joy. And this is very good. Indeed, my cup runneth over.

And to end this post, I want to add a few more photos of our day of milestones and adventures:

Luke is climbing the slide after he went down. This must be a boy thing.

Getting in position for a head-first trip down the slide.

Enjoying a leisurely ride in the swing.

At the top of the "big-boy slide".

This is Luke swinging and roaring and then moo-ing.

Here's to hoping that something in your day makes you so happy that you can't help but shout about it.