Just another manic Monday

Of course, after that wonderful day of clarity and the post about joy on Sunday - God allowed me the pain of Monday. I had the Monday of all Mondays yesterday. It was not good. it started off bad and went to worse and ended at totally unbelievable in it's level of suckage. But such is life. It is a changing tide of good and bad experiences. The real test is to see if i can keep that joy I talked about, amidst the Mondays of life.

I've had a bit of a setback recently and I am trying to refigure my life around the changes. I know full well that I will heal and come back stronger and more faithful. But until then, I am going to choose silence. I am going through something that I can not blog about. I do not want to blog about it because in this topic I dont want you people in my head. But rest assured that when that fog clears, I will be back. Thanks, faithful blog followers, for being there as a sounding board.

Leslie

Sing, Sing a Song

I must begin by saying that I am a little emotional as I write this. It has been one of those nights when the blinders have come up just a fraction and my limited scope has gotten a little bit clearer. And what I have seen with these new eyes just astounds me. There are joys in this life that words can not explain. There is kindness among friends that this heart can not contain. There is peace among sorrow that my mind can not full fathom. When you take all of these observations and wrap them up into a small concise package, the word is grateful. I am full of gratitude at how God is moving in my life at this moment. The dots in my life just seem to keep connecting, even when it seems unlikely, into the most beautiful and elaborate pictures of mercy and grace. It feels like I have travelled so very far during this short life of mine. And yet, I have barely scratched the surface of the plans God has for me.

Over a year ago, I started this blog and faced the task of trying to decide what to call it. It was a different time in my life, a time of complete confusion and gnashing of teeth. But even then, I knew that there was much to be grateful for. Even in the desert place, my cup runneth over. Even in my darkest hours yet, I still had more than I could have asked for. And in His faithfulness, the Lord continues to provide. The people, places, promises and purposes I have in my life are filling my heart with joy. I have transitioned into a new life. I have metamorphosed into a new creature and dang, it feels so good. I found this verse yesterday, as I rummaged through my Bible for hidden treasures, and it captures my spirit perfectly:

"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy" - Psalm 126:5

I have a song to sing, a song of humble gratitude and complete thankfulness.

Listamania 5.0

Normally my daily diet consists largely of protein shakes. But not this week. This week we are eating good. Maybe even a little too good. The treaders will be burning up next week for sure. But all of this hearty eating has inspired this weeks listamania. If I was somehow in a situation where I was told to pick ten foods to live on for the rest of my life, these would be them:

1. Red Lobster's cheddar bay biscuits
2. Tx Roadhouse green beans
3. Cypress Station Grill's sweet potato fries
4. Chicken fajitas from Lupe Tortillas
5. Lobster bisque from Pappadeaux's
6. The turkey o' toole from Bennigans
7. Red Robin's blue cheese burger
8. McAlister's club wrap
9.PF Chang's chicken lo mein
10. Olive Garden's chicken alfredo pizza

And I would have to add a chicken fried steak from somewhere delicious. What would your choices be? Dang. I'm hungry now.

Cause I'm a Freak, Baby

This week I am on vacation with the family in the beautiful Texas Hill Country. So far, we are having a very pleasant time. Unlike many of our vacations this one would be considered very free-style. Now, I see the benefits of having an open and flexible schedule, especially when relaxation is your goal, but it goes against every grain I have to be without a plan.
Here is my confession: I am a control freak. There, I said it. I don't know when this started but somewhere and somehow I went from liking to have my way, moved right through preferring to have my way and landed in needing to have my way. And this is where I am stuck- in the land of needing lots of info and rarely getting any.
There was a time in my life when things were very chaotic for me and I rarely knew what to expect on a given day. In this time I had to let go of what I wanted to cling to what I needed to get by. Now that things are more stable for me, I find myself trying to make up for lost time. I feel that I have room to want things now and so I want them with all I have. Now that I've found my voice I find myself dead set on what I think needs to happen. This part I do remember from my youth. I always wanted to be in charge of group projects at school because then I knew it would get done and get done the right way.
The problem is that sometimes my way isn't the right way. But, it is hard to see that within the moment of wanting. I set an expectation that my plans are good and will achieve the desired results. And then I work hard towards that goal with checklists and outlines.
When life gets in the way and hands me hurdles or foibles to my well thought out plan, I panic and get quite flustered or cross. Mostly at myself, for being so narrowly focused on me.
Plans are good, but so is wait and see. I am not so good at going with the flow, I want to move and create. This week will be a challenge for me in letting go and enjoying the freedom of not-controlling every moment. And I think I will find that it will be just as much fun and maybe a little less stressful.When you don't have an expectation, it removes the fear of not meeting it. And by now we all know what a fan I am of that.

Baby Mine

Today I was at Target doing one of the things I hate the most: trying on clothes. I was in the back corner dressing room when a family came in to try on back-to-school clothes. This family consisted of a mom, a daughter and two sons. I could never see this family, but I heard them. It would have been impossible not to. And what I heard nearly broke my heart. Every single sentence that came from the mother's mouth was spoken with an edge and bark that made me shudder. There was no love anywhere in the tone or words she was using. I listened for about five minutes before I couldn't take it anymore, and I left the dressing room saying a quick prayer for that mom and her children. I promptly headed over to my son, playing in the toy section with his Nana, and gave him the biggest hug.

Being a parent is tough sometimes. It can become downright annoying when little personalities start to develop that scream for independence and rebellion. So, I will allow for the fact that perhaps this mother was having one of those days and her patience was a little thin. But don't we all know someone whose normal voice sounds like a yell and who always seems mad or irritated? I was a crisis counselor for two years, trust me when I say that some families speak in shouts and barks. I sure hope this is not me. I don't think it is, but I do have my days when anger wins out over patience. It takes a very focused and conscious effort to discipline and correct in love, and not anger. And I don't always hit the nail on the head there. But I want to take this opportunity to tell him, and the blog readers, all the things on the other side of that coin.

Luke, my child, you are:

sweet

brave

kind

loving

gentle

sensitive

friendly

outgoing

opinionated

happy

dramatic

helpful

charming

caring

polite

smart

funny

creative

and above all else, silly

I love everything about you, even on your worst day. Even as you are telling me to go away and leave you alone. Even when you are throwing your tenth fit in 30 minutes. Even when you don't quite make it to the potty on time and when you don't even touch the sandwich I spent ten minutes making because you HAD to have it - yes, sweet boy, even then. I hope you grow up with the confidence it takes to face this world and come out whole. I hope you never have to doubt for one second that you are loved and treasured. And I pray, everyday, that I will speak more kindnesses than I do warnings. That we will laugh more than we cry, talk more than we shout, and that I will never be too busy to enjoy you or create moments that matter.

With every bit of my heart (and perhaps a tiny bit more),

Mom

The Ring of Fire

First, I want to sound a clear NERD ALERT for what is about to happen. But when the similes come, you have to take what you can get. And today you are getting a little bit of LOTR (that's Lord of the Rings for those who don't speak Tolkien). But, alas, I will get to that part later.

I'd like to start by saying that I have noticed that a good deal of my posts lately have been about spiritual matters. I have no idea if these posts are as interesting or helpful to read as they are to write, but in a way I don't care. Lately, I have been challenged and stretched in my faith in ways I never expected. As I have clung to, trusted in and relied on God to keep His promises I have found myself more aware of what He is doing in and around me. It doesn't always make sense, or go the way I would like it to - but that is part of what this blog is for, to help me make sense of my life one word at a time. Matthew 12:34 says, "For out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks". Therefore, I am encouraged that my mouth seems to be speaking more about what God's doing than what I'm doing - at least in the blogosphere.

So... I have been feeling pretty good lately about where I am in my life. I feel on track with the goals I set for myself in regards to school, friends, family and faith. Things have been flowing pretty smoothly and I have felt real joy in my heart of hearts. I had even begun to think that I'd learned a thing or too about myself and from my mistakes and would have said I was making progress. And then, as if He knew (which He did), God decided to test my theory and He threw me in to the refining fires. It seems that this week God has dangled some pretty nice carrots in front of my face to see how I would respond. And I am humbled to say that I did not respond well. When the heat and pressure came I turned to my feelings to give me my bearings and left the facts in the dust. I let my eyes turn to what I wanted and forgot to ask if it was what I needed. And I found myself returning to past insecurities and wearing them as easily as an old coat. It seems I had not progressed as much as I would have thought.

I have always loved the image of the refiners fire. Silversmiths put their fire in the furnace to melt it and then the dross (impurities) would rise to the top and sit on the surface. They would then scrap off this dross before pouring the silver in to a mold to be made into something valuable and useful.

Proverbs 25:4 - "Remove the dross from the
silver, and out comes material for the silversmith;"

It seems that the fire is necessary if we are to be pure and of use. It is easy to dread the fire. It is hot and super uncomfortable. But in the end, it leads to the best version of ourselves - if we submit to the process and quit holding on to our impurities. In this way, we are not unlike "the precious" in LOTR. It was a beautiful and powerful vessel but it did not show it's true colors or deliver it's full message until it was put in to the fire. Only then did the true message show. We can fake it till we make it all we want. We can build our house of straw and try to cut costs and labor - we can do as little as possible to get by. But...

1 Corinthians 3:11-15 - "For no one can lay any foundation than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ. If anyone builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw , his work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test each man's work. If what he has built survives, he will receive his reward. If it is burned up, he will suffer loss; he himself will be saved but only as one escaping through the flames."

eventually the testing of our faith will show our true colors and the effort we have put in towards pursuing God's will. And in those moments of uncomfortable pain and pressure, we will either display the image of Christ or we will be branded with the scars of a person who was burned.

I admit that I have been burned this week. But, I can honestly say that while I got some new scars, I also feel that I lost some of those impurities as well. And that I am possibly a little closer to becoming something the silversmith can truly use. That is my hope and prayer: that my eyes would be not on the fire, or the silver, but on the one who makes beauty from ashes. This "giant" I face today is not really anything more than an opportunity to focus and trust God once more. It will work out. I have that promise. And I may have forgotten that for a moment, but, thankfully, it is my foundation.

Listamania 4.0

Today is not the best day I've ever had. But then again, it's not the worst day either. I would love to say that my sunny disposition and faith in Jesus omit me from getting sad or confused. But that is just not true. I have these things called emotions, and they sometimes get the better of me - even when I know they shouldn't. I firmly believe emotions are a good thing. Without them I would just be a robot. So, today I am embracing my emotions and using them as inspiration for this list. Behold, I give you a list of my favorite tear-jerker movies. I occasionally feel the need for a good endorphin cleanse and put one of these in the old DVD player to speed up the process. Here are ten movies a girl (or guy) can count on to get the tears flowing (in no particular order):

1. My Girl
2. Moulin Rouge
3. The Notebook
4. Life as a House
5. Hope Floats
6. Terms of Endearment
7. Remember the Titans
8. Beaches
9. My Life
10. I am Sam

So, there you have it. If you have any suggestions to add to the list, please be my guest.

Also, I know I painted a bleak picture when it comes to my current mood, but I am confident that this pity party will end soon. Things happen, we take them as they come. It is not the last time I will have a bad day. However, I have learned not to let bad days or bad situations define me or steal my joy and happiness. So... here's to turning a frown upside down and staying on the sunny side!



p.s. this picture of Dawson crying just makes me laugh. you can't not laugh looking at that. Pacey would never have looked like such a tool.

Put the Needle on the Record

Occasionally, I like to rent movies from the local Red Box. I tend to do this a bit more when Luke wants a movie because the kids movies are hit and miss these days and I am a try before you buy kind of girl. So, a week ago I rented this movie from the Red Box kiosk:

I was shocked to find it there among the newer movies, because I remember this movie from my childhood (which lets just say was a while ago). In fact, I remember recording the soundtrack to this movie on to a cassette tape, with my fisher price radio, and playing parade float on the trampoline with my sister singing and dancing to the music. Ahhh, memories. So I took the movie home and within the span of 48 hours, Luke watched that movie 6 times. I then took the movie back (on time, I might add) and for the next several days all I hear from him are requests for the "chipmunk" movie. So, this last weekend I rented the movie again (thank you Red Box) and again we have seen it about 6 times in 3 days. It is like it never gets old to him, watching that same movie over and over again. He can even quote it and sing along. I am talking, when the video is done we go to the beginning and watch again. The thing is on repeat. And he watches it just as intently each time, as if it is the very first time. All the while, the adults in the house have to pray for patience and peace each time that video starts anew. Somehow the chipmunk charm has lost its power over us.

Being a parent has taught me a lot about how God must view us, as His children. It has allowed me a taste of the unconditional love, discipline and guidance that He must feel as a Father. And it seems that when it comes to learning the lessons in life, I am sometimes like that "chipmunk" movie. I have to keep watching, and keep doing, over and over again. Its like I am tripping on the same banana peel over and over again and getting surprised each time - as if it were the first time. At times, it would almost seem that I enjoy learning things the hard way, because I am so determined to repeat my mistakes. And the miracle is that God never rolls His eyes at the fact that I am stuck in this broken record pattern. He never wishes that I would put in another movie already. He just patiently waits for me to do my song and dance until I get tired of singing the same words.

I am about tired of that darn Chipmunk movie. But I find myself surprised and grateful for the lesson it has taught me about being stuck in my own rut and being content to do so. It is amazing how God chooses to talk to us. I honestly never thought He would sound like a chipmunk.

And speaking of little critters, here is one that I never get tired of:

The Waiting Room

I spend a lot of time waiting - in line, for test results, at the stop light, for my turn to talk, for prayers to be answered, for things to make sense, for someone to apologize, for someone to like me, for things to just fall together. And quite frankly, I do not enjoy waiting. I can distinctly remember summers at Astroworld when I wasted the better part of 2 hours, waiting in line to ride this thing or that and sweating in the heat the whole time. Two hours of waiting, for 30 seconds of thrill. It hardly seems worth it in retrospect. But I guess that is the thing, we wouldn't wait if the thing we were waiting for wasn't seen as necessary or worth it on our eyes.

I do not have what you would call a patient spirit when it comes to some things, waiting being one of them. I like to get in and get out. I have agendas and schedules and waiting just puts serious roadblocks to the plans I make for myself. But very often I find myself in the waiting room of God, just waiting to see what He is going to do next. Well, let me back up and say that I am often forced in to the waiting room of God - against my will. On rare occasions I enter in of my own accord, but mostly (and this is something I am working on) I find myself there for lack of options. In this period I am waiting for God to do something, and I expect that the end result of all this waiting will be worth it. What I mean is that I often hope that if I have to wait on God, He better show up huge in the end. And by "huge" I mean, exactly the way I want Him to. I can be pretty silly that way.

Now I know that the waiting room is absolutely necessary, as it forces me to wait for the green light of God. Without it, I sure would find myself in many a "wreck". And I also know that this waiting room leads to a "hope and a future" that is tailor made for me. In this way, the ends certainly do justify the means. But what I want to do is get to the point where I enjoy the waiting, and not just what it brings. I want to get to the point where I can appreciate the conditions of waiting, whether they are comfortable and easy

or slightly less so.

I would like to be able to say that I waited, through the scorching Texas heat, for two hours, and came away feeling refreshed - even before I entered in to the will of God. Because often the waiting is His will. He wants us there so that He can prepare us for what is on the other side of that door. But for me, it is all about that door. My focus is on getting to the other side. So much so, that I don't stop and think about what I may need to be doing or seeing here, in this room - with these people and in these circumstances.


Yes, I am waiting on something in my life right now. I always am. But regardless if that something is a person, an answer, a plan or a promise I am finding that I need to keep my eyes on God. Someone I know was once struggling with drinking and a pastor told them that their problem was that God and the bottle were standing in a line. It was impossible to focus on both at the same time. If you focus on one, the other gets blurry and loses contrast. The advice was that God needed to be the focus, and then the bottle would become less clear. I think that for me, this makes perfect sense in regards to waiting. As long as I am waiting, I must focus on God and not that thing. Only then can I truly enjoy the waiting process. AS they say, "time flies when you're having fun". What can be more fun than standing in line with the best friend in the world?

I would like to leave you with some thoughts from Shane and Shane on the subject:

sitting in the waiting room of silence

waiting for that still soft voice I know

offering my worship to the rooftop to your heart

trusting that this closets where you are

Lord, I know if I change my mind

You will change my heart in time

Sovereign Lord, this time's from You

So I sit in the waiting room of silence

Cause it's all about You

Listamania 3.0

Yesterday, I went to an interview for a Alternative Teacher Certification Program. It is my goal to become a certified teacher by the end of this upcoming school year. But first, I had to get accepted in to the program. This is what I have been taking classes for these last 3 semesters. So I submitted an application and made a 5 minute digital resume that I had to present before a panel of judges and a room full of other applicants. It went well. I did get accepted. But part of that process included a written questionnaire that I had to fill out. One of the questions asked me to list my strengths and weaknesses. This was somewhat difficult for me. It took some intense concentration to organize my list. And then afterwards, as I walked to my car, I naturally thought of better answers than I had given. So, without further ado, I give you a list of my strengths and weaknesses.

STRENGTHS

1. Honesty & loyalty (these always go together for me)

2. Attentive

3. Willingness to learn and lead

4. Organized

5. Positive outlook

6. Dependable

7. Creative

8. Outgoing

9. Enjoy a challenge

10. Can admit faults and accept responsibility for mistakes

WEAKNESSES

1. Outspoken

2. Opinionated

3. Overly-committed

4. Controlling of environment/situations

5. Tend to focus on small picture

6. Procrastinator

7. Wear emotion on my sleeves

8. Need to explain myself - justify

9. More reactionary than proactive

10. Speak before thinking

Listamania 2.0

Here is another list for all of you list lovers. This one is a bit more personal than the last one, and also a little more abrasive. I'm all for looking for the bright side of life and seeing that glass half full, but sometimes there are things that just get under your skin. The pet peeves of life. And I must admit that I have quite a few. But to maintain interest, and to make sure I don't look like too much of a jerk, I will limit it to five of my peeviest peeves. So without further ado...

Listamania 2.0 - The Pet Peeves

1. Repeating myself. For some reason this just really irritates me.
I can handle one repetition, but more than that and I turn in to the Hulk.

2. People who honk at you the moment the light turns green.
My car has no get up and go. It takes a while to build up speed.

3. Watching TV with other people and having them talk over the dialogue.
That is what commercials are for.

4. Drama. I admit that I have had dramatic moments myself,
but being around people who thrive on and create drama
on a regular basis just drains me.

5. When they make a movie out of a book and completely
change the story. I watch the movie because I liked the book,
so why are we changing it?

Oh, and I also wrote another blog yesterday, but it was posted under 7/12/10. Here is the link if you want to read it, it is about gossip.

http://goreemom.blogspot.com/2010/07/did-you-hear-one-about.html