Listamania12.0

It is techinically Thanksgiving Day, and I am unable to sleep. Part of that reason is because I took a 3 hour nap today, and the other part is the fact that I can't stop thinking about everything I am thankful for. Thanksgiving is about expressing gratitude afterall. It is a day for food, fun and family. And it is a celebration of the good things in our life. I can think of know other more appropriate list, on this day of thanks giving, than a list of all the things I am thankful for today (in no particular order):

1) A son that I am over the moon for
2) Parents that love and support me no matter what
3) A sister that always has my back, even when I don't ask
4) A church home that feels like home
5) Old friends that still care what I am up to
6) New friends to fellowship and share life with
7) Best friends that know me so well that I don't have to pretend to be better than I am and they still love me
8)My relationship with Jesus that keeps growing and changing
9) Talents to use and a ministry to use them in
10) The healing of old wounds
11) The challenge of new wounds
12) Books to read and challenge my mind
13) A job that I really enjoy
14) An opportunity to go back to school and pursue a new dream
15) Family that I can celebrate life with
16) Music
17) Love
18) Hope
19) Joy in all things
20) and a peace that passes understanding

There is a lot to be thankful for. These are the highlights. If I went in to specifics we could be here all day. And that just wouldnt do because I have some sleep to get, some food to eat and some games to play. HAPPY THANKSGIVING one and all. Tell someone you know that you are thankful for them today.

Leaving the Kid's Table

So today was my 30th birthday and I was dreading it. It feels like a momentous milestone that should indicate that I am a "grown up". You know, 30 is the land of adults, where you have to leave that kid stuff behind. But the thing is I am still pretty much a kid in some areas. In some ways, I feel like I am growing in to a woman. I have more confidence, more boldness and more gumption than I did in my youth. I am more certain of what I want, more in tune with what I need and more aware of the difference. I care less about what people think than I used to, which turns out to be pretty freeing. Some things do get better with age. I will concede that. This year has taught me more about what it looks like to have character, devotion and faith. This year has shown me how to find joy in the small things, the hard things, the good things and the bad. I have learned how to take things day by day and to allow for mistakes in myself and others. I have learned what grace looks like and what hope feels like. It has been a great year. One that changed my life actually. The people I met this year have become my family. I can only pray that this upcoming year is a mere echo of the joy and peace I found this last year. I should consider myself blessed to have a fraction of the love and laughter I have had over the last year. For all of those who have seen me through this year, thank you from the bottom of my heart for loving the me I was and helping me become the me I am.

For this year, I would like to make some new resolutions. Hopefully, by my 31st birthday, I will have some huge successes and failures to share with everyone. Hopefully, it will have been a life truly lived. A year spent daring to love and dream. So, here are my meager wishes for my 30th year of life:

1) I will read a new book every month, and not just fiction.
2) I will finish school and find a teaching job
3) I will listen more than I talk
4) I will start a savings account and keep a budget
5) I will learn the guitar
6) I will spend less time watching TV
7) I will lose ten pounds
8) I will be jog at least 10 miles a week
9) I will drink more water, and less tea
10) I will have at least 20 scriptures memorized

I guess we will see what this new year holds. I am excited. If it is anything like last year, I can't wait.

Listamania 11.0 - the remix

Last year, I wrote a blog on my birthday and gave myself some resolutions. You can read the whole blog here: http://goreemom.blogspot.com/2009/11/and-many-more.html, or you can read the cliff's notes version below. I had been at the end of a long and draining year and I was attempting to start fresh and jump in to the deep end of new life. So here was my list:
1. Get better at remembering and acknowledging birthdays
2. Read a new book every month
3. Organize my photos
4. Get a teaching degree
5. Make at least one new girl friend
6. Give blood
7. Lose 10 pounds
8. Learn to french braid
9. Take my son on vacation
10. Start writing again

Monday will be my 30th birthday. Another year has come and gone. And while I am feeling older and wiser, I find it interesting to revisit this list and see where I have come in a year. These were the hopes, dreams and secret wishes of my heart at such a raw place in my life. What a great way to celebrate another year going by. I am so grateful that I experienced a year of movement and life, and not stagnation. I replaced mourning for dancing, weeping for laughing and loneliness with abundant fellowship. I grew in so very many ways. It was a year of finding myself, redefining myself and learning to enjoy myself again.
Looking at the list, I for sure did not do very well at #1, #6 or #8. I didn't even come close to those. Not only did I NOT do #3, but I managed to delete most of the pictures from this last year off of my laptop completely. Major fail.
But... on the flip side, I had some major successes this year too. I am one semester away from getting that teaching certification. I am busting my chops right now and wearing myself ragged to get this done, but it is getting done. And I am proud of that. I was blessed to take my son on two vacations this year, San Antonio and Cozumel. I am so thankful for the time, money and ability to get away and experience new wonders with my little guy. I lost those ten pounds and then twenty more on top of that. I started to write again, and did not stop. Well, maybe I took a few breaks here and there for life to happen but I kept letting those creative juices flow. I blogged, journaled and wrote poetry. It felt nice to put words to the fears, frustrations and desires of my life. And lastly, I did make that new girlfriend. And then I made a few more. I had prayed for fellowship for so long and after many lonely months I began to give up hope of being connected again. But then, I took that step of faith and God provided a church home, family and ministry. It has been a great year because of the people in CYS. They have loved me, accepted me, challenged me and held my hand through some tough times. I am a fuller, more confident and grateful girl because they met me where I was and allowed me to be me. And then they gave me a microphone and let me serve in the only way I know how.

I am blessed beyond measure. My life could not be fuller. Well, it could I guess. Technically. But if it never did, I would have more than I deserve forevermore. Friends. Family. Laughter. Fellowship. Love. Joy. Growth. Wisdom. Strength.... my cup runneth over, everyday.

Knowing that "No" is the way to go. Fo sho.

The other day I had to make a lesson plan on social skills for my class. We drew topics at random and mine was how to teach children to accept "no". There were some steps that they gave me that included looking someone in the eye, saying "okay" and asking questions later. Seems simple enough right? I have a 3 year old, folks, in my house "no" causes nuclear meltdowns and Oscar-worthy dramatics.  And, as it turns out, it doesn't get easier as an adult. Some of us adults are big babies when we don't get our way. I include myself in this pile. I may not throw myself on the stairs and stomp my foot but I have been known to do some pretty dramatic inner monologuing, ranting and even crying.

I have a funny story for you to drive this post home. Last week, after I picked the boy up from school, we were running errands and Luke informed me that he was "starbing" (this is a new word for him so he is "starbing" all the time). He saw a McDonalds out the window and politely asked to go to the store for some chicken nuggets and apples. Because we were headed to Wal Mart, which happens to have a McDonalds in it, I agreed. But when I turned at the light and did not head for the McDonalds he had his eye on, the tears started flowing.  I tried to explain that nuggets were forthcoming, but that we would get them in a different location. This did not do the trick. It had to be that McDonalds because that was the one he could see and therefore, it was the only one that existed.  It was only when we pulled in to the parking lot and the golden arches came in to view that he stopped crying long enough to exclaim, "ohhhh, they have nuggets here too." And the world made sense again.

Isn't that just like humans to get so narrowly focused on what we want? With limited knowledge comes the belief that what is in front of us, the tangible things in the here and now, are all there is.  I want what I can see out of my window. And I want it now, while it is still right in front of me. Because to me, out of sight= out of the realm of possibility. Opportunity missed. Chance lost.

Luke likes to cry when he doesn't get what he wants and he usually gets sent to the stairs for time out. We started this when he was little and he would get told that he had to sit on the stairs until he had calmed down and stopped crying. Now that he is 3, there are greater consequences to being defiant. Now he has an actual time out that is not dependent on whether there are tears or not. But he hasn't quite grasped this yet. He will shout from the stairs, "Mommy, I'm done crying" and expect to be let off the hook. Sometimes he magically stops crying on the way to the stairs or as my mouth says the word "stairs" and he hopes this will keep him from serving his time. But the punishment is for the attitude, not the emotion.

Why can't we get what we want? And why are the authorities in life denying us this joy? That never gets easier to understand. And neither does the fact that simply changing our attitude about it won't make it right. Just because we get strong and wipe our face, doesn't mean the answer becomes "yes". The answer is not dependent upon our reaction to it. I think it is funny that I am meant to teach children how to do this when I am failing at this myself. Maybe if I try looking God in the face, saying "okay" and asking questions later things will get easier for me. At the very least it might save me a trip to the stairs.

Back to Life, Back to Reality

I feel like I just got slapped in the face. And man, did I need it. It was high time for me to snap out of that funk that I've been existing in. It was a necessary process, but it was made a shade harder by my constant resistance to it. Its not that I enjoyed being sad and irritable and sensitive. I for sure did not. But maybe I didn't let myself move through the healing process because healing meant moving forward and I wasn't quite ready to do that yet. The spot I was in meant something to me. It had been my feel good place for so long that I was hesitant to leave it.
My hands are relatively small. In fact, some have even made fun of how small they are. But, it is amazing how firm my grasp can be when I am holding on to the things that matter to me. Control is something that defines many of my actions and thoughts. I spend a great deal of time trying to keep things in order and manageable. This includes my feelings, my plans and my expectations. The feeling of being out of control scares me and sometimes leaves me debilitated. But lately, I have been learning that there is so much more life than what I can fit in my little hand. And I am also wrestling with the idea that while the hand may be mine, the things inside it are not. My life is filled with the gifts and blessings of the Father. They have been entrusted to me to use as He sees fit.
Sometimes this means I get to keep, use and enjoy them. At other times, this means that I have to give them back before I am ready. My initial reaction is to whine about the injustice of having to give away something I love. But what I fail to see is that the true injustice is not giving the appropriate amount of gratitude to the giver. There are many reasons why God takes things away: to teach us something new about ourselves, to prepare us for what comes next, to remind us to focus on the giver and not the gift or things that our minds can not even fathom. I believe that God is leading me towards something great and in this period of want He is showing me how to be grateful and that He is still good.
I am smiling again because I know that the truth has set me free. And that truth is that NO MATTER WHAT, I will be ok. And not because I am awesome, or because I am strong. But because I am faithful. And because I believe. Not in myself, not in my circumstances, but in the fact that God is completing me. Still. It is an ongoing process that does not end with this storm. This storm is merely another lesson in how to trust in, cling to and rely on Him. And I obviously need those lessons because I haven't learned them yet.
When I stopped waiting for the answer I wanted and accepted the one I had been given, I was able to trade my sorrow for joy. Not necessarily in the joy that comes from getting what I want, but from the joy that comes from knowing I have all that I need. The answer I want to hear, is not my reality today. I have to choose and decide based on the facts that are true today. I can not let these chances for obedience and trust to pass me by because I am waiting for a different answer. That answer may never come. Or it may be around the corner. And while my heart may hope for things and my spirit may desire certain outcomes, my delight has to come from what God is doing RIGHT NOW, in this circumstance.
I feel pretty certain that God is leading me through this wilderness in to a Promise Land and that this is a time meant for obedience, trust and faith. And while I may not enjoy my time in this desert, I know that He leads me and provides for me here. I can trust that all of this wandering will eventually lead me to the place where I am meant to be. The place He has set aside for me.
My heaviness has not ceased, but that yoke has become considerably lighter because my focus has shifted away from my situation and towards what I need to be learning in and through it.

Trees of Life are Blooming (and Your Word Plants the Seed)

This was a pretty good day. Looks like there is still some life in me yet. Just kidding. All dramatics aside, I am feeling like maybe I have finally stopped rowing against the wind today. Not to say that my emotions aren't still there, because they surely are. It's just that today I feel that they are more contained. And I like that. I will take what I can get.

Someone recently asked if I was forfeiting what I need because I the fear of letting go was greater than the trust I have in God (that was a paraphrase). I had wanted to say no, surely not. It would be absolutely absurd for me to not trust God. And yet, that person was exactly right. I wear myself out trying to hold on to the things that matter to me. That control freak in me just cannot bare the unknown. And she absolutely can't stand "wait and see". I am a planner and an organizer and that is just who I am. But I am learning, quickly, that this part of me screams SELFISH. This piece of me needs a serious talking to. And believe me, several people have tried recently.

Throughout my life I have tried to make things go my way. I have had some small victories, but when it really counts I rarely succeed. Usually, I am in way over my head. The thing is, it is hard for me to trust and let go and ride out the storm. The planner in me starts demanding back up plans and safety procedures, anything to decrease the damage. How completely silly to think that I can God-proof my life. Really, who do I think I am? I will tell you, I think that I am Right.

But this week, I am learning that sometimes "disasters" come when we are least prepared and most unaware. They even come despite our plans and precautions. However, our preacher said a few weeks ago, if you have a plan B, you aren't trusting God. So true. So very very true. This path I am on will lead to something pretty great. I trust that. It may be dark and scary right now but it is leading to something wonderful. I have an idea of what I want God to do and where I hope He leads me. But, EVEN IF HE DOESN'T, He is still good. And even if His path forks to the left, when I'd rather go right, I will stay the course. I will not labor in vain.

It took me a few days to release my grip on my plans and expectations for the future. In fact, my knuckles are still sore from the effort. But...and this is a big but... I do trust that the things of God cannot be stopped. I do know that His ways are higher than my ways. Surely He has this thing figured out. I am learning to open my tiny hand and return God's gifts to Him. They were never really mine anyway.

Jesus, thank You for the gifts You give and for the things You take away.

Thank You for the daily bread You've given me today.

Jesus, thank You for dancing and the joy that it brings

Thank You also for the mourning and the not so pleasant things

Jesus, thank You for the cloud by day and the fire in the night

Thank You that the darkness helps me see Your light

Jesus, thank You for the trials and the character they bring

Thank You that in this jail cell I have a song to sing

Jesus, thank You for my ashes and for my weakness too

Thank You that my delight comes only in trusting You

photo taken from a friend without their permission. sorry, friend. (not really) 

Listamania 10.0 - silver lining edition

Ok, this is the antithesis to the other Listamania I wrote (for those who are interested, it is the black cloud edition). That version is better suited for those who like a little gloom in their day. But don't worry, I am an equal opportunity feeler and while I may be feeling a little low this week, I tend towards the glass-half-full side of life. So even now, I find it necessary to note the issue, but not dwell on it.

In that regard, I wrote two Listamanias this week. One to feed both sides of me, where I am and where I want to be. You see, the week was not so great. But within that week there has been much greatness. And much more to come, I should add. This weekend I am headed to Georgetown to attend a birthday party, in my honor. My dear sweet friends are throwing me the party of my dreams. It is an 80's themed party to kick off my 30's. Costumes are required so I am definitely looking forward to seeing my friends in their totally rad outfits. This party is my silver lining and it hasn't even happened yet. But I have tried on my costume a few times and that single act alone makes me feel a few shades brighter - all that neon, I guess. So, in tribute and anticipation of the party, I present Listmania 10 - my favorite 80's movies - in order.

1. Breakfast Club -

2. Footloose -

3. Dirty Dancing -

4.Goonies -
5. Back to the Future
6. Ferris Bueller's Day Off
7. Ghostbusters
8. Sixteen Candles

9. Top Gun

10. Pretty in Pink

honorable mention for:
Steel Magnolias
E.T.
The Legend of Billy Jean

Listamania 10.0 - black cloud edition

So, this week has been pretty rough for me. I am still dealing with some changes in my life and finding that it is not as easy as I had hoped it would be. Of course, I think my stressful work and school schedule and the fact that I am perpetually tired and moving may be adding to this. I would venture to say that I am "getting through" things. Although, not as gracefully as I would have hoped. This is the place for honesty so I will just say it. I have cried a lot, analyzed a lot and basically felt like a weak and silly basket case. When I think on how I would like to be handling this situation, none of those adjectives show up. After all, it is just a break up. They happen to thousands of people, everyday. But this is happening to me and, thankfully, it doesn't happen everyday. I feel like a great big downer by writing this dreadful blog today. However, this is how I process and I could use some mental exhaling.
As a social worker, I took a class in college called Death and Dying. I know, sounds like a hoot, right? In that class, we learned about the 5 stages of grief. Although intended for people who are facing their own death, the list is generally seen as applicable to any crisis or event in ones life that produces the sense of loss. Now, I am in no way trying to say that my situation is anywhere near the vicinity of being like death. But it is a loss none the less. That sounds a bit dramatic, but it is true. If I did not consider it as such then I shouldn't have been in the relationship to begin with. So, today's Listamania consists of the 5 stages. I include this list because I find it helpful to understand the things I am thinking and feeling in this context. It makes me feel less like a basket case.

1. Denial

2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance


Who feels better? Gosh, what a serious downer of a post. I debated writing this but then thought, if it helped me then maybe it will help someone else. I need to tell you that I am fine. Currently. I may be wrestling through the technicalities, but I am at least working my way through. No need to worry about me. I may be presenting myself as damaged and destroyed. But I am neither of these things. I am just a girl with emotions and a blog. So... bear with me, all. Wait for that upswing, because it will come. I want it to come. I wait and welcome it.

Fall-ing in love with vegetables

 Now, look at this picture. I know exactly what you are thinking: "isn't that the sweetest little boy you have ever seen? ". Thank you. And the answer is yes. This picture is one of my favorites from this Halloween season. It was harder to capture and thus appreciated even more for the effort it took to achieve. So, lets take in the picture for a minute. The wonderful scenery, the fall colors, the handsome boy. But wait, what is he holding in his hands? Are those balls? Are they rocks or toys? The answer, my friends, is that he is holding Bob and Larry, from Veggie Tales. Maybe you pictured Bob and Larry to look something like this: 

And you would be correct. This is the standard representation of Bob and Larry. But at our house, we go by the Luke version. And that version consists of two smallish forms of play-doh, loosely rolled and shaped in to a ball and an oval. One is red, the other is green, and voila! you have Larry and Bob. I don't remember where the idea came from but one day the play-doh veggies were formed and for three days thereafter, they were all we heard about in our house. Bob and Larry went everywhere. They went to the grocery store, to the park and even to the bathtub, where they did not go in (because they can't swim, duh). We went through about 4 sets of Larry and Bob figures because they kept drying out and cracking and would not retain their shape. So, naturally, Bob and Larry also came to the pumpkin patch with us after school one day.

Like a snap happy mom I was posing and primping Luke for his photos. We had left the veggies on the hood of the car for the first few shots but had to quickly retrieve them once Luke remembered where they were. From then on they were permanent fixtures in the events. At one point Luke even carefully placed them on a pumpkin and asked me to take their picture.

Towards the end of the session, I was told that Larry and Bob wanted to ride in the wagon.

After the initial laughter, those of us in the house began to question the normalcy of this. It seemed strange for a child to create these rudimentary figures and then carry them around with him all day. Also, he slept with them. Yeah, I forgot that part. He slept with Larry and Bob in his hands. So weird. Right?

I understand developing a connection and an attachment to something and wanting to maintain that connection at all times. I understand the idea of wanting to keep the important things close to you. And thankfully this obsession was forgotten after the weekend and has not yet resurfaced. This week we have all we can handle with Halloween goodies and treats. But I am a bit nervous to pull out the play-doh again and have mini-veggies ruling our lives once more. Can someone tell me that this happened to them too? Or their children? Or someone they knew? I am curious as to how "normal" all of this really is.