My bestie just told me yesterday that all of my blog posts as of late have been of heavy substance. And to that I say, I just cant help myself. I guess I am just a person of substance. The trend will continue because today I am posting about something that is hitting pretty close to home for me right now. As always, I am striving for honesty here and the truth may be a teeny bit ugly. To protect the innocent (and not so innocent) I will be vague where I can and omit names and places. Relax, I am making it seem more juicy than it will be. Reputations are not on the line- except maybe my own.
On Tuesday night I was out with some of my friends from my College and Young Singles class at church. We were eating at the crab shack and sharing some laughs. And then the topic turned to friendships and the mood changed ever so slightly. I was in mixed company and the discussion was on guy/girl friendships and if such a thing could
a.) ever be healthy
b.) ever be platonic
c.) ever be beneficial
This was a conversation I have had and heard before. Some of the people at the table said that it was NEVER a good idea because someone usually gets hurt. While others argued that if the cards were on the table and everyone understood then it was fine for two people without attraction to hang out. I listened back and forth and silently tallied the points in my head for both arguments. It was an interesting topic for me because I have a history of friendships with males. So this got me thinking. And I came up with the conclusion that it was possible, but not plausible that two people could be strictly friends because USUALLY one person has (or ends up with) attraction for the other. I was pretty set in this conclusion until I did some research into my own life. And here is what I saw:
In 29 years of life, I have had 4 serious relationships. In 3 of those situations, I was "friends" with the guy for a while before a relationship ever began. Also in the last 29 years of my life, I would say that I have had a close friendship (that never matured into anything more) with 6 guys. Of those, I would say that I had feelings for only 2 of them and that at one point or another I was made aware that 3 of them had feelings for me. Based on these stats alone, I would say that the odds are not in the favor of my theory. Obviously, relationships are born from friendships and if not then in most cases one friend has feelings for the other. So, after considering this my theory had some serious holes in it.
Fast forward a day and I am summarizing both my thoughts and the initial conversation for a friend (who is a guy). And the can got opened up again. Only this time it was more personal because I was talking about the pluses and minuses of a girl/guy friendship with a guy that this girl has a friendship with. It was very interesting. And it ended with me changing my mind on the whole debate. Do I think it is possible for a guy and girl to be friends without crossing lines and boundaries? Yes, I do. It has happened to me a total of 2 times. But I also think that achieving this is extremely rare and very difficult. It requires an openness and a dialogue that centers around honesty and clear boundaries and expectations. The problem is that when feelings are involved it gets just a shade harder to be completely honest. Honesty makes you vulnerable and people tend to shy away from vulnerability. However, I currently have a male friend that I trust 100% and I genuinely feel that this person respects and cares about me and my feelings. in this situation we have spoken honestly about what to expect and not expect and have dialogued about what a healthy relationship looks like for a guy and a girl. And I think it works. At least, I am finding that it does.
It is so funny to me that I am even at a point in my life to have this debate. It has been a while since I had male friends that I hung out with or talked to. When I was married, that was a boundary that wasn't crossed. And now, it is weird for me to be entering in to a time when these things deserve attention and thought. Let me also say this, I believe that with age and life experience you can a maturity that makes what I am saying a bit more realistic. When, as a woman, you become secure in yourself and who you are in Christ, it becomes less important to have your needs met by a male. And then it becomes easier to maintain healthy emotional boundaries and also easier to identify and communicate when those boundaries go astray. At least this is true for me and my life. I will freely admit that in college I had some inappropriate friendships that had some blurred boundaries and people ended up hurt or used. It happens. But it shouldn't and it doesn't need to. Unfortunately though, I didn't know then all the things I know now. And probably I only know those things because I learned them the hard way.
Anyway, this has been in my head and heart lately because it is a time in my life when I am revisiting and reevaluating my stance on this matter. And I am a bit surprised by how much has changed since this was last an issue for me. I like being challenged to evaluate my actions and to really debate about what is permissible versus what is beneficial. I am pleased as punch to find that I am indeed growing up in some senses. Just food for thought.
On Tuesday night I was out with some of my friends from my College and Young Singles class at church. We were eating at the crab shack and sharing some laughs. And then the topic turned to friendships and the mood changed ever so slightly. I was in mixed company and the discussion was on guy/girl friendships and if such a thing could
a.) ever be healthy
b.) ever be platonic
c.) ever be beneficial
This was a conversation I have had and heard before. Some of the people at the table said that it was NEVER a good idea because someone usually gets hurt. While others argued that if the cards were on the table and everyone understood then it was fine for two people without attraction to hang out. I listened back and forth and silently tallied the points in my head for both arguments. It was an interesting topic for me because I have a history of friendships with males. So this got me thinking. And I came up with the conclusion that it was possible, but not plausible that two people could be strictly friends because USUALLY one person has (or ends up with) attraction for the other. I was pretty set in this conclusion until I did some research into my own life. And here is what I saw:
In 29 years of life, I have had 4 serious relationships. In 3 of those situations, I was "friends" with the guy for a while before a relationship ever began. Also in the last 29 years of my life, I would say that I have had a close friendship (that never matured into anything more) with 6 guys. Of those, I would say that I had feelings for only 2 of them and that at one point or another I was made aware that 3 of them had feelings for me. Based on these stats alone, I would say that the odds are not in the favor of my theory. Obviously, relationships are born from friendships and if not then in most cases one friend has feelings for the other. So, after considering this my theory had some serious holes in it.
Fast forward a day and I am summarizing both my thoughts and the initial conversation for a friend (who is a guy). And the can got opened up again. Only this time it was more personal because I was talking about the pluses and minuses of a girl/guy friendship with a guy that this girl has a friendship with. It was very interesting. And it ended with me changing my mind on the whole debate. Do I think it is possible for a guy and girl to be friends without crossing lines and boundaries? Yes, I do. It has happened to me a total of 2 times. But I also think that achieving this is extremely rare and very difficult. It requires an openness and a dialogue that centers around honesty and clear boundaries and expectations. The problem is that when feelings are involved it gets just a shade harder to be completely honest. Honesty makes you vulnerable and people tend to shy away from vulnerability. However, I currently have a male friend that I trust 100% and I genuinely feel that this person respects and cares about me and my feelings. in this situation we have spoken honestly about what to expect and not expect and have dialogued about what a healthy relationship looks like for a guy and a girl. And I think it works. At least, I am finding that it does.
It is so funny to me that I am even at a point in my life to have this debate. It has been a while since I had male friends that I hung out with or talked to. When I was married, that was a boundary that wasn't crossed. And now, it is weird for me to be entering in to a time when these things deserve attention and thought. Let me also say this, I believe that with age and life experience you can a maturity that makes what I am saying a bit more realistic. When, as a woman, you become secure in yourself and who you are in Christ, it becomes less important to have your needs met by a male. And then it becomes easier to maintain healthy emotional boundaries and also easier to identify and communicate when those boundaries go astray. At least this is true for me and my life. I will freely admit that in college I had some inappropriate friendships that had some blurred boundaries and people ended up hurt or used. It happens. But it shouldn't and it doesn't need to. Unfortunately though, I didn't know then all the things I know now. And probably I only know those things because I learned them the hard way.
Anyway, this has been in my head and heart lately because it is a time in my life when I am revisiting and reevaluating my stance on this matter. And I am a bit surprised by how much has changed since this was last an issue for me. I like being challenged to evaluate my actions and to really debate about what is permissible versus what is beneficial. I am pleased as punch to find that I am indeed growing up in some senses. Just food for thought.
So if you're a "person of substance" based on your blog posts, what does that make me and my blog posts, huh? Thanks a lot, bestie. :)
ReplyDeleteSeriously, next time I talk to you, I want names of each of these boys. Because though I've known you through all of them, I can't for the life of me think of them all!
I love your posts Leslie, they are great "food for thought!" I think you are right that with a little age and perspective there is a much more mature way of looking at things than say the way we did in College (Lord knows I couldn't have had a "friend" of the opposite sex during that time). :) More than anything I'm glad you are finding the support, male or female, of friends in life!
ReplyDelete