Square Peg in a Round Hole

I have been called a lot of things by a lot of people. Some of it nice and others, slightly less so. And I am quite sure that I have deserved both sides of that coin at one point or another. But of all the things people have called me, none of them have ever been "indecisive". I am definitely a girl who knows, and speaks her mind. On any given point I have already decided my stance, or made a plan and can tell you how I am going to get there. If a stance has not been made, trust me I am working on it. So, the moral of the story: I know what I want and how I want it and I do my best to make it happen. you can imagine, then, how much I like it when I am wrong. Not very.

But, I am wrong a lot. I had a visit from my best friend this past weekend and she wasted no time in telling me how wrong I was on a few topics. Our friendship is seventeen years old and we have been through a lot together, but she was actually nervous to tell me I was wrong. This is not a good sign. But to my credit, her head remained intact, it was not bitten off. I don't think I even showed my teeth. And I think a lot of this has to do with the way God has been grooming me lately to receive the truth with grace. I have this group of peeps here in Houston that occasionally do some confronting and try to teach this old dog some new tricks. And while it never feels GREAT to be reprimanded, it does feel good to know that they care enough to tell you the truth and not let you sink lower and lower in to bad or nasty habits.

Also, this decisiveness of mine leads me to believe that I know what is best for me. And on this point I am also wrong a lot. You see, I am a creature of habit. I have set ways of doing things. And even if those ways are no longer getting optimal results, I have a hard time abandoning them. Let me give an example, in my life I have dated the same type of guy - charming, extroverted, decisive, leader. And I have thought that this type was good for me. But, none of these relationships have lasted. So... perhaps my idea of right needs some tweaking. This scares me though because this is the territory I am used to. But, perhaps different is better. I am slowly learning this lesson and learning to be more open minded to alternatives. Not just in this case, but in all cases. This is so difficult for me. I am not exaggerating when I say that I do not like change.

I have been fighting a battle with myself and God about what needs to happen in my life and the steps I need to take to get there. As usual, my plans are about what I think I need and what I feel are best. But all of this amounts to what I want. But... I ultimately get what is best and then have the audacity to feel I have been slighted or cheated out of the greater good. This is such a selfish mentality. It is something I am working on. The big picture. It is so easy to get caught in the here and now and what that feels like. But in the Christian life point A and point B are sometimes just stopping places on the longer journey to an unknown and unseen endpoint. I want to see that ending and know it will end well. It is why I sometimes read the last page of a book. Just to know how it ends. But, what I will also say is that I am learning the lesson on how to be refined and how to do that with grace. Do you know how hard it is to handle life's refining fires with grace? They burn and they are uncomfortable. But... how good it feels to be purified and purged.

What a work in progress I am. And I am happy to be so. I am learning so much from this editing process. And lesson numero uno is that I do not know best on most things, especially those things that I have already made up my mind on. Flexibility and change are good things. But the application of these concepts is another story altogether. E for effort right?

* post title is in reference to a Wakey!Wakey! song of the same name