She's Only Happy in the Sun

You know how some people say things like "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again" and "get back on the horse" and even "fake it till you make it"? Lately, I have lost some of my will to do any of the following things: get up, try again and fake it. Now, I know that my saying that may lead some to think that I have given up all will to live. I want to stress that I am not depressed or down trodden or any of those things. I think I am just needing rest and renewal. This week has been busy. Because I am a list person, I continuously find myself making mental checklists of things that need to get done. The problem is that I seldom get through all of the things on my list and because it is mental in nature, I tend to forget the deadlines or the tasks altogether. This coupled with my procrastinating tendencies means that I have things on my list that, ideally, should have been done yesterday. But here I am in today and I am scrambling to organize the details of my life. The end of summer is quickly approaching and with its end, comes the beginning of a new semester which will hopefully bring for me a new teaching class and a return to work. But these are the ends, right now I am having to tie up the loose ends of all those means. This means I have forms to fill out, papers to send off, classes to register for, documents to find, etc.



This is where all my energy is going this week - well that and my daily workouts and my almost 3 year old. So, naturally, I am finding that I have no time or care left for my social life this week. By that I mean, I have not really talked to or hung out with friends this week and I don't really mind. I am a people person and I feed off of a crowd, but even I like to retreat to my turtle shell every now and then and just be alone with my thoughts.



And here are my thoughts this week:

1) that being with people all the time does not always equal quality time

2) that I expect to get out of a friendship, exactly what I put in to it

3) that I try too hard to bend people to my will

4) that I let the details distract me from the larger picture

5) that I tend to function best when all things are around 75%, when I give something 100% then another area of my life tends to drop to 50%



So, I am finding that under the weight of responsibilities this week, my reaction is to withdrawal and mope. This is not very becoming, of this I am sure. I think what I need is to get the rest of these ducks in their necessary rows so that I can exert my energy elsewhere. Either that, or I need to get more sleep instead of staying up late to to type a blog. Bottom line: I will try again until I succeed. I will eventually make it without faking it. But right now I need to just sit on the ground and collect myself, catch my breath and count to ten before I stand up and try again.


- post title is a reference to a Ben Harper song of the same name