Listamania

Time to reinstitute List Wednesdays. It never fully got off of the ground the first go round. But this time will be different, I delcare it. So, every Wednesday will be a new random list. I love lists and so this serves two purposes: 1) it give me a chance to make lists about things that interest me and 2) it allows all 4 of my readers to learn more random facts about me. So to those faithful four, this list is for you (and a little bit me)....

10 Places I'd Like to Travel to Before I Die

1. Italy

2. New Zealand

3. Alaska

4. Scottland/Ireland - these go together in my head

5. The Virgin Islands

6. New York

7. Yellowstone National Park

8. Fiji

9. BoraBora

10. Australia

As it turns out, I may be going to Alaska next summer. I am pretty pumped. And my bestie and I have a trip planned to Europe. This trip is currently just planned in our minds, without a goal date, but it WILL happen. Other than that I am wide open. If anyone wants to plan a trip to these places, I am game. And if you want to find a backer to finance this for me, I'd be much obliged. And that was my Listamania!

* post title is in reference to a Phoenix song of the same name

Square Peg in a Round Hole

I have been called a lot of things by a lot of people. Some of it nice and others, slightly less so. And I am quite sure that I have deserved both sides of that coin at one point or another. But of all the things people have called me, none of them have ever been "indecisive". I am definitely a girl who knows, and speaks her mind. On any given point I have already decided my stance, or made a plan and can tell you how I am going to get there. If a stance has not been made, trust me I am working on it. So, the moral of the story: I know what I want and how I want it and I do my best to make it happen. you can imagine, then, how much I like it when I am wrong. Not very.

But, I am wrong a lot. I had a visit from my best friend this past weekend and she wasted no time in telling me how wrong I was on a few topics. Our friendship is seventeen years old and we have been through a lot together, but she was actually nervous to tell me I was wrong. This is not a good sign. But to my credit, her head remained intact, it was not bitten off. I don't think I even showed my teeth. And I think a lot of this has to do with the way God has been grooming me lately to receive the truth with grace. I have this group of peeps here in Houston that occasionally do some confronting and try to teach this old dog some new tricks. And while it never feels GREAT to be reprimanded, it does feel good to know that they care enough to tell you the truth and not let you sink lower and lower in to bad or nasty habits.

Also, this decisiveness of mine leads me to believe that I know what is best for me. And on this point I am also wrong a lot. You see, I am a creature of habit. I have set ways of doing things. And even if those ways are no longer getting optimal results, I have a hard time abandoning them. Let me give an example, in my life I have dated the same type of guy - charming, extroverted, decisive, leader. And I have thought that this type was good for me. But, none of these relationships have lasted. So... perhaps my idea of right needs some tweaking. This scares me though because this is the territory I am used to. But, perhaps different is better. I am slowly learning this lesson and learning to be more open minded to alternatives. Not just in this case, but in all cases. This is so difficult for me. I am not exaggerating when I say that I do not like change.

I have been fighting a battle with myself and God about what needs to happen in my life and the steps I need to take to get there. As usual, my plans are about what I think I need and what I feel are best. But all of this amounts to what I want. But... I ultimately get what is best and then have the audacity to feel I have been slighted or cheated out of the greater good. This is such a selfish mentality. It is something I am working on. The big picture. It is so easy to get caught in the here and now and what that feels like. But in the Christian life point A and point B are sometimes just stopping places on the longer journey to an unknown and unseen endpoint. I want to see that ending and know it will end well. It is why I sometimes read the last page of a book. Just to know how it ends. But, what I will also say is that I am learning the lesson on how to be refined and how to do that with grace. Do you know how hard it is to handle life's refining fires with grace? They burn and they are uncomfortable. But... how good it feels to be purified and purged.

What a work in progress I am. And I am happy to be so. I am learning so much from this editing process. And lesson numero uno is that I do not know best on most things, especially those things that I have already made up my mind on. Flexibility and change are good things. But the application of these concepts is another story altogether. E for effort right?

* post title is in reference to a Wakey!Wakey! song of the same name

She's Only Happy in the Sun

You know how some people say things like "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again" and "get back on the horse" and even "fake it till you make it"? Lately, I have lost some of my will to do any of the following things: get up, try again and fake it. Now, I know that my saying that may lead some to think that I have given up all will to live. I want to stress that I am not depressed or down trodden or any of those things. I think I am just needing rest and renewal. This week has been busy. Because I am a list person, I continuously find myself making mental checklists of things that need to get done. The problem is that I seldom get through all of the things on my list and because it is mental in nature, I tend to forget the deadlines or the tasks altogether. This coupled with my procrastinating tendencies means that I have things on my list that, ideally, should have been done yesterday. But here I am in today and I am scrambling to organize the details of my life. The end of summer is quickly approaching and with its end, comes the beginning of a new semester which will hopefully bring for me a new teaching class and a return to work. But these are the ends, right now I am having to tie up the loose ends of all those means. This means I have forms to fill out, papers to send off, classes to register for, documents to find, etc.



This is where all my energy is going this week - well that and my daily workouts and my almost 3 year old. So, naturally, I am finding that I have no time or care left for my social life this week. By that I mean, I have not really talked to or hung out with friends this week and I don't really mind. I am a people person and I feed off of a crowd, but even I like to retreat to my turtle shell every now and then and just be alone with my thoughts.



And here are my thoughts this week:

1) that being with people all the time does not always equal quality time

2) that I expect to get out of a friendship, exactly what I put in to it

3) that I try too hard to bend people to my will

4) that I let the details distract me from the larger picture

5) that I tend to function best when all things are around 75%, when I give something 100% then another area of my life tends to drop to 50%



So, I am finding that under the weight of responsibilities this week, my reaction is to withdrawal and mope. This is not very becoming, of this I am sure. I think what I need is to get the rest of these ducks in their necessary rows so that I can exert my energy elsewhere. Either that, or I need to get more sleep instead of staying up late to to type a blog. Bottom line: I will try again until I succeed. I will eventually make it without faking it. But right now I need to just sit on the ground and collect myself, catch my breath and count to ten before I stand up and try again.


- post title is a reference to a Ben Harper song of the same name

Did you hear the one about...

Ok, this is going to be brutally honest - because I think it is a topic that needs brutal honesty. I say that more to myself than anyone else because I know that I get sucked in to the gossip vortex on a daily basis. And the thing is that I don't really want to be there, and I know I shouldn't be there, but if you dance around the edge long enough then you get swept up just the same.

So, I guess it is clear that I am talking about gossip in this post. Being a female, I consider myself to be somewhat of an authority on the topic. That's not to say that being female= being a gossip. There are plenty of stronger women than I, when it comes to this particular weakness. But, I know that for me gossip is one of those slippery little shadows that creeps right in when you aren't looking and infests a conversation.

Here are the different definitions/justifications that I have heard about gossip:

I used to think that if I was talking about someone out of love and kindness than it wasn't gossip. I guess the rationale was that the sentiment behind the talk cancelled out the wrongness of it. Recently, I heard someone explain gossip this way, "if I wouldn't say it to someones face, then I shouldn't say it when they aren't here". Another girl I know said something to the effect that if the person you are talking to doesn't know the person you are talking about, then how is that gossip. And still another person (me), used the excuse that I was merely venting about how someone made me feel - emphasis on me, not them. And of course, there is the old stand by of masking gossip for prayer requests. So right off of the top of my head, I listed four or five good reasons and justifications for gossip, and those are just the ones I have done or heard within the last month. Basically, if you need justification than it is out there.

But what I have been hit with lately is the idea that even painted up garbage is still garbage and that is what gossip is - it is garbage. We can paint it up anyway we would like and razzle-dazzle it all day, but underneath all that justification is still garbage. Just that word justification is a red flag to me. To "justify" something means to "defend" something. I typically do not defend myself unless I feel threatened. And why shouldn't I feel threatened by the act of gossip? It goes against the very essence of who God wants me to be. To be spiritually "justified", means to be made righteous from sin by a Holy God. So in that essence, I suppose we have it right - we do need "justification" for gossip.

I know I am coming across as preachy on this topic and I am not intending to. Well, maybe I am - but it is only because God has really been working on me in this area for some time. And having clawed my way through understanding, it is my desire to share what I've learned. And that is this: that nothing good can ever come of talking negatively about another person. Period. If you think about it, what good does it serve. What is the greater purpose in sharing those sentiments? I admit that not that long ago I went to a friend with a concern I had about someone elses behavior and how it was affecting me. And in his wisdom, my friend stopped me in my tracks and asked me to stop talking about that situation. His reasoning was that he felt that my story was causing him to have a negative impression of the person I was referring to. I had wanted to be understood and heard, but I didn't realize what my need was doing to the reputation of that other person.

I so greatly appreciate the words of that friend in that moment because they have stuck with me and I have remembered them and passed them on. There is so much truth in those words. If we are to let no unwholesome talk come out of our mouths, if we are to be edifying and encouraging to one another - then where does that leave us when it comes to gossip. It leaves us on the defensive, because it just doesn't match God's plan for us. Regardless of our concern, or our feelings, nothing I say about someone else should change another person's opinion of them. Our words are so powerful and so piercing. Even to those who don't hear them. It is like that little bot of yeast the Bible talks about that works it's way through the bread and eventually taints the whole thing. Or like that old game of telephone that starts out innocent and simple and travels through a billion filters to end up miles away from the original meaning.

There are a lot of words in this post- even looking at them I know it seems like a bit of a soap box. I have wanted to say something about gossip for a long time. And I guess this comes pretty close to what I wanted to say. I have been the victim of gossip as surely as I have initiated it. So I am preaching directly into the ear of the choir on this one, with a very loud microphone. But, I know what it is like to want to trust people and to desire someone to talk to and befriend. And when you open up to people you want to trust that they are giving you the benefit of the doubt and seeing you in the best possible light. And you want to trust that even when you aren't there, and when you can't hear, that they are defending you and affirming you. The alternative is just ugly and hurtful, and also the very definition of gossip. Just food for thought.

I Need You Like a Hurricane

"... beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most.Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up... and it will." - Birdee Pruitt in "Hope Floats"



For the last few minutes I have been sitting here staring at the screen, fingers perched over the keys, waiting for the words to come. And it is almost like a log jam is happening in my brain. There is so much substance trying to come through all at once that the result is a whole lot of nothing is actually getting through. Occasionally this does happen to me and it usually happens when I am stressed. I know, I know - I shouldn't stress, or worry, or be anxious for anything. And in an ideal world I would not sweat the small stuff or the big stuff or anything in between. But then again, in an ideal world there would be nothing to sweat, would there? As it is, I live in reality (well, most of the time anyway) and sometimes in my world small stuff becomes big stuff and the big stuff can become a bit overwhelming.



See the thing is I am really great when it comes to being solo. I am really quite stellar when I work alone. And honestly, there are times when I prefer it. I know that I will do things according to my standard and so I tend to volunteer to do things and fill my plate to the top so that I can be in control and so that all my expectations are met. In that way, I won't be disappointing anyone else (only myself) and also, no one will be disappointing me. For me, it is just easier to trust myself.



But man was created singularly and God saw that it was not good for him to be alone. And in my life i know that the same is true for me. My friends and family have buoyed me in choppy waters and have filled my heart with joy and laughter. I would not wish them away if I could. But, the thing about letting people in is that sometimes they hurt and disappoint you. Occasionally they say and do things that leave you reeling from pain. I am reeling today because someone in my life failed to reach the bar I have set for them. Should I lower my standards? Allow them to be less than they can be? Or do I forgive and hope for the best? I am shrugging my shoulders at this because I just don't know. I know what I want to do and I know what I need to do and I am waiting for that magic moment when they become the same thing. And that is the hope that I cling to - that I know will eventually rise to the top - that trusting in God will never let me down.



"It's been six days and we're all still waiting- waiting for someone to come. Well, what if they don't? We have to stop waiting. We need to start figuring things out... Last week most of us were strangers. But we're all here now, and God knows how long we're going to be here. But if we can't live together... we're going to die alone." - Dr. Jack Shephard on "Lost"

Did you know?

Last year, about this time, I wrote a list of 101 things about me. At the time, I remember finding this to be a rather difficult task. But a year has passed and I think it is about time to update my list. I have learned some new things about myself this year. I have let some things go and replaced the old with the new in some instances. So here is my Leslie 101 facts for this current state of my life.

1. I very much dislike repeating myself. Once is OK, twice is pushing it and three times comes with a punch in the face.
2. Honesty and kindness have become very important to me.
3. I think that guys who can dance and or play a musical instrument are super hot.
4. Three things that I am surprisingly descent at: darts, putt-putt golf and skiing.
5. Turning 25 really freaked me out, but 30 is around the corner and I feel just fine.
6. If they made a gasoline candle I would smell it all day long.
7. Lately, I have been very interested in reading and watching "the classics".
8. I get absolutely terrified to sing Karaoke, but I have no problems leading worship.
9. I have started calling my blackberry my "precious". This is not a good sign.
10. My biggest fear is losing someone I love in a sudden and tragic way.
11. I can yodel, but only one song.
12. I really really want to be in New Directions (from Glee).
13. Even though I can't stand conflict or drama, I have zero problems with confrontation.
14. I always keep deodorant and a toothbrush in my purse for emergency situations.
15. I wish The Office would either get funnier or give it up.
16. My fear of flying was born right about the same time as my son.
17. When I retire, I want to open a used book store in a quaint old house.
18. I once cut my own wrist with a butter knife, trying to prove that such a thing was impossible.
19. I have run into my own house with my car once, and with my parent's cars twice.
20. No matter how much I dislike Kanye, I can not help but love his music.
21. I know very useless trivia about celebrities and pop culture.
22. My idea of a dream vacation is a Mediterranean cruise.
23. My family loves to make music videos and synchronized swimming routines.
24. I am obsessed with taking pictures and uploading them ASAP.
25. I hate it when people say "believe you me".
26. I have a knack for remembering faces.
27. I have seen every episode of Friends at least 4 times.
28. Sometimes I can start singing a song when I get in the car and then when I turn the car on it will be on the radio.
29. When I am stressed, I get tension headaches from clenching and popping my jaw.
30. For some reason I love Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.
31. I do not do well with old people (except my grandparents).
32. I love everything 80's.
33. I am over Will Farrell but hung up on Ryan Reynolds and Shia LeBeouf.
34. Every year, I print and fill out a ballot for the Oscars.
35. I look in the $5 movie bin every time I go to Wal Mart but I have never bought a movie from there.
36. I have to sleep with the fan on and the closet door closed.
37. I crave McDonald's chicken nuggets and Chipotle chicken tacos.
38. When Luke was little, I started laughing like the dough boy every time he poked my belly button. Now I have to do that every time because he thinks it is so funny.
39. My goal is to be able to run 5 miles straight. Right now I am at 2.
40. I laugh insanely hard at Judd Apatow movies and then feel bad about it later.
41. Toy Story is my favorite animated movie. I wore out my VHS in college from watching it so much.
42. I prefer Matt Damon to Ben Affleck, hands down.
43. I do not do well with whining.
44. My family calls me Banana or Nana Head, but I don't really care for bananas.
45. Spicy foods make me really sick to my stomach.
46. I like the idea of online dating.
47. In my opinion, Harry Potter is preferred over Twilight.
48. Andrew Bernard is my favorite Office character.
49. All my friends love the Gilmore Girls, but I would much rather watch One Tree Hill.
50. I watch White Christmas and Elf every Christmas.
51. My best time of day is from 5 pm to 10 pm.
52. I own two pairs of high heeled shoes, but I never wear them.
53. I can not stand Oprah, but I do like her book club.
54. I love river water, tolerate ocean water and dislike lake water.
55. I frequently have dreams and usually remember them.
56. I laugh at my own jokes.
57. When I go on vacation, I buy a deck of cards as a souvenir.
58. I got fired from Chipotle but I still love to eat there.
59. I hate Mayonnaise and anything that smells or looks like it.
60. The Sonic commercials crack me up.
61. When I play Rock Band, I am killer at the drums.
62. Headaches freak me out.
63. If I know a book is being made in to a movie, I have to read the book first.
64. My hair is naturally blond and very wavy.
65. I think CROCS are genius.
66. I wave at the camera when I drive through the toll booth.
67. I don't like cinnamon flavored drinks or food.
68. I rarely chew gum, but I can pop a ridiculous amount of tic tacs.
69. I love jeans and a t-shirt.
70. I snore.
71. I consider myself gifted at making up songs on the spot to express my thoughts and feelings.
72. I like going to the movies alone.
73. When out, I like to sit in the middle of a crowd of people.
74. I have no problem dog-earring my own books, but I do not like other people dog-earring the books I loan them.
75. I keep a book of who I've loaned books to.
76. I HATE to lose and often pad my team to prevent it.
77. I only blow dry my hair about twice a week.
78. I have had the same cell phone number for 7 years.
79. I am team Pacey, not team Dawson.
80. I talk to myself at least once a day.
81. I seldom eat chicken and never eat steak.
82. I do not like orange juice or milk.
83. My sister's wedding marked my 7th time to be a bridesmaid.
84. My best friend has been my best friend since 8th grade.
85. 3 of my 10 favorite movies are musicals.
86. I know every word to "Shoop" by Salt 'N Pepa and "Stay" by Lisa Loeb.
87. I Google everything.
88. There is something about Nicholas Cage and Kirsten Dunst that I can't stand and can't explain why.
89. Lord of the Rings is one of my favorite books.
90. I drink iced tea by the gallon, which is why...
91. I've had 3 kidney stones and always feel like another is on the way.
92. While I like a clean house, my car is usually dirty.
93. Every time I grocery shop I end up handing the cashier at least 2 items that I have decided I no longer need.
94. Every year I make a list of my top 5 actors, actresses and movies.
95. I love to make and eat spaghetti and meatballs.
96. I am very, very clumsy.
97. I feel guilt when I don't return my grocery cart to it's designated corale.
98. I have read every single Jodi Picoult book.
99. Joshua Radin, Shane and Shane and Jimmy Needham are on rotation in my car cd player.
100. I think Samwise Gamgee is the best character in any book I've ever read.
101. I feel a deep need to be the first among my friends and family to see or read something.

Alright. Some fun facts about me. Interesting? Did you already know those things? Makes me curious. Another fun fact: sometimes I wonder if they put me on a game show and asked me to pick 5 people in my life who know me the best to answer questions about me for money, who would I pick? I think I know. But it changes all the time. So, study up friends in case that actually happens and I decide to pick you. Hey, it could happen.