Did you hear the one about...

Ok, this is going to be brutally honest - because I think it is a topic that needs brutal honesty. I say that more to myself than anyone else because I know that I get sucked in to the gossip vortex on a daily basis. And the thing is that I don't really want to be there, and I know I shouldn't be there, but if you dance around the edge long enough then you get swept up just the same.

So, I guess it is clear that I am talking about gossip in this post. Being a female, I consider myself to be somewhat of an authority on the topic. That's not to say that being female= being a gossip. There are plenty of stronger women than I, when it comes to this particular weakness. But, I know that for me gossip is one of those slippery little shadows that creeps right in when you aren't looking and infests a conversation.

Here are the different definitions/justifications that I have heard about gossip:

I used to think that if I was talking about someone out of love and kindness than it wasn't gossip. I guess the rationale was that the sentiment behind the talk cancelled out the wrongness of it. Recently, I heard someone explain gossip this way, "if I wouldn't say it to someones face, then I shouldn't say it when they aren't here". Another girl I know said something to the effect that if the person you are talking to doesn't know the person you are talking about, then how is that gossip. And still another person (me), used the excuse that I was merely venting about how someone made me feel - emphasis on me, not them. And of course, there is the old stand by of masking gossip for prayer requests. So right off of the top of my head, I listed four or five good reasons and justifications for gossip, and those are just the ones I have done or heard within the last month. Basically, if you need justification than it is out there.

But what I have been hit with lately is the idea that even painted up garbage is still garbage and that is what gossip is - it is garbage. We can paint it up anyway we would like and razzle-dazzle it all day, but underneath all that justification is still garbage. Just that word justification is a red flag to me. To "justify" something means to "defend" something. I typically do not defend myself unless I feel threatened. And why shouldn't I feel threatened by the act of gossip? It goes against the very essence of who God wants me to be. To be spiritually "justified", means to be made righteous from sin by a Holy God. So in that essence, I suppose we have it right - we do need "justification" for gossip.

I know I am coming across as preachy on this topic and I am not intending to. Well, maybe I am - but it is only because God has really been working on me in this area for some time. And having clawed my way through understanding, it is my desire to share what I've learned. And that is this: that nothing good can ever come of talking negatively about another person. Period. If you think about it, what good does it serve. What is the greater purpose in sharing those sentiments? I admit that not that long ago I went to a friend with a concern I had about someone elses behavior and how it was affecting me. And in his wisdom, my friend stopped me in my tracks and asked me to stop talking about that situation. His reasoning was that he felt that my story was causing him to have a negative impression of the person I was referring to. I had wanted to be understood and heard, but I didn't realize what my need was doing to the reputation of that other person.

I so greatly appreciate the words of that friend in that moment because they have stuck with me and I have remembered them and passed them on. There is so much truth in those words. If we are to let no unwholesome talk come out of our mouths, if we are to be edifying and encouraging to one another - then where does that leave us when it comes to gossip. It leaves us on the defensive, because it just doesn't match God's plan for us. Regardless of our concern, or our feelings, nothing I say about someone else should change another person's opinion of them. Our words are so powerful and so piercing. Even to those who don't hear them. It is like that little bot of yeast the Bible talks about that works it's way through the bread and eventually taints the whole thing. Or like that old game of telephone that starts out innocent and simple and travels through a billion filters to end up miles away from the original meaning.

There are a lot of words in this post- even looking at them I know it seems like a bit of a soap box. I have wanted to say something about gossip for a long time. And I guess this comes pretty close to what I wanted to say. I have been the victim of gossip as surely as I have initiated it. So I am preaching directly into the ear of the choir on this one, with a very loud microphone. But, I know what it is like to want to trust people and to desire someone to talk to and befriend. And when you open up to people you want to trust that they are giving you the benefit of the doubt and seeing you in the best possible light. And you want to trust that even when you aren't there, and when you can't hear, that they are defending you and affirming you. The alternative is just ugly and hurtful, and also the very definition of gossip. Just food for thought.

I Need You Like a Hurricane

"... beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most.Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up... and it will." - Birdee Pruitt in "Hope Floats"



For the last few minutes I have been sitting here staring at the screen, fingers perched over the keys, waiting for the words to come. And it is almost like a log jam is happening in my brain. There is so much substance trying to come through all at once that the result is a whole lot of nothing is actually getting through. Occasionally this does happen to me and it usually happens when I am stressed. I know, I know - I shouldn't stress, or worry, or be anxious for anything. And in an ideal world I would not sweat the small stuff or the big stuff or anything in between. But then again, in an ideal world there would be nothing to sweat, would there? As it is, I live in reality (well, most of the time anyway) and sometimes in my world small stuff becomes big stuff and the big stuff can become a bit overwhelming.



See the thing is I am really great when it comes to being solo. I am really quite stellar when I work alone. And honestly, there are times when I prefer it. I know that I will do things according to my standard and so I tend to volunteer to do things and fill my plate to the top so that I can be in control and so that all my expectations are met. In that way, I won't be disappointing anyone else (only myself) and also, no one will be disappointing me. For me, it is just easier to trust myself.



But man was created singularly and God saw that it was not good for him to be alone. And in my life i know that the same is true for me. My friends and family have buoyed me in choppy waters and have filled my heart with joy and laughter. I would not wish them away if I could. But, the thing about letting people in is that sometimes they hurt and disappoint you. Occasionally they say and do things that leave you reeling from pain. I am reeling today because someone in my life failed to reach the bar I have set for them. Should I lower my standards? Allow them to be less than they can be? Or do I forgive and hope for the best? I am shrugging my shoulders at this because I just don't know. I know what I want to do and I know what I need to do and I am waiting for that magic moment when they become the same thing. And that is the hope that I cling to - that I know will eventually rise to the top - that trusting in God will never let me down.



"It's been six days and we're all still waiting- waiting for someone to come. Well, what if they don't? We have to stop waiting. We need to start figuring things out... Last week most of us were strangers. But we're all here now, and God knows how long we're going to be here. But if we can't live together... we're going to die alone." - Dr. Jack Shephard on "Lost"

Did you know?

Last year, about this time, I wrote a list of 101 things about me. At the time, I remember finding this to be a rather difficult task. But a year has passed and I think it is about time to update my list. I have learned some new things about myself this year. I have let some things go and replaced the old with the new in some instances. So here is my Leslie 101 facts for this current state of my life.

1. I very much dislike repeating myself. Once is OK, twice is pushing it and three times comes with a punch in the face.
2. Honesty and kindness have become very important to me.
3. I think that guys who can dance and or play a musical instrument are super hot.
4. Three things that I am surprisingly descent at: darts, putt-putt golf and skiing.
5. Turning 25 really freaked me out, but 30 is around the corner and I feel just fine.
6. If they made a gasoline candle I would smell it all day long.
7. Lately, I have been very interested in reading and watching "the classics".
8. I get absolutely terrified to sing Karaoke, but I have no problems leading worship.
9. I have started calling my blackberry my "precious". This is not a good sign.
10. My biggest fear is losing someone I love in a sudden and tragic way.
11. I can yodel, but only one song.
12. I really really want to be in New Directions (from Glee).
13. Even though I can't stand conflict or drama, I have zero problems with confrontation.
14. I always keep deodorant and a toothbrush in my purse for emergency situations.
15. I wish The Office would either get funnier or give it up.
16. My fear of flying was born right about the same time as my son.
17. When I retire, I want to open a used book store in a quaint old house.
18. I once cut my own wrist with a butter knife, trying to prove that such a thing was impossible.
19. I have run into my own house with my car once, and with my parent's cars twice.
20. No matter how much I dislike Kanye, I can not help but love his music.
21. I know very useless trivia about celebrities and pop culture.
22. My idea of a dream vacation is a Mediterranean cruise.
23. My family loves to make music videos and synchronized swimming routines.
24. I am obsessed with taking pictures and uploading them ASAP.
25. I hate it when people say "believe you me".
26. I have a knack for remembering faces.
27. I have seen every episode of Friends at least 4 times.
28. Sometimes I can start singing a song when I get in the car and then when I turn the car on it will be on the radio.
29. When I am stressed, I get tension headaches from clenching and popping my jaw.
30. For some reason I love Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.
31. I do not do well with old people (except my grandparents).
32. I love everything 80's.
33. I am over Will Farrell but hung up on Ryan Reynolds and Shia LeBeouf.
34. Every year, I print and fill out a ballot for the Oscars.
35. I look in the $5 movie bin every time I go to Wal Mart but I have never bought a movie from there.
36. I have to sleep with the fan on and the closet door closed.
37. I crave McDonald's chicken nuggets and Chipotle chicken tacos.
38. When Luke was little, I started laughing like the dough boy every time he poked my belly button. Now I have to do that every time because he thinks it is so funny.
39. My goal is to be able to run 5 miles straight. Right now I am at 2.
40. I laugh insanely hard at Judd Apatow movies and then feel bad about it later.
41. Toy Story is my favorite animated movie. I wore out my VHS in college from watching it so much.
42. I prefer Matt Damon to Ben Affleck, hands down.
43. I do not do well with whining.
44. My family calls me Banana or Nana Head, but I don't really care for bananas.
45. Spicy foods make me really sick to my stomach.
46. I like the idea of online dating.
47. In my opinion, Harry Potter is preferred over Twilight.
48. Andrew Bernard is my favorite Office character.
49. All my friends love the Gilmore Girls, but I would much rather watch One Tree Hill.
50. I watch White Christmas and Elf every Christmas.
51. My best time of day is from 5 pm to 10 pm.
52. I own two pairs of high heeled shoes, but I never wear them.
53. I can not stand Oprah, but I do like her book club.
54. I love river water, tolerate ocean water and dislike lake water.
55. I frequently have dreams and usually remember them.
56. I laugh at my own jokes.
57. When I go on vacation, I buy a deck of cards as a souvenir.
58. I got fired from Chipotle but I still love to eat there.
59. I hate Mayonnaise and anything that smells or looks like it.
60. The Sonic commercials crack me up.
61. When I play Rock Band, I am killer at the drums.
62. Headaches freak me out.
63. If I know a book is being made in to a movie, I have to read the book first.
64. My hair is naturally blond and very wavy.
65. I think CROCS are genius.
66. I wave at the camera when I drive through the toll booth.
67. I don't like cinnamon flavored drinks or food.
68. I rarely chew gum, but I can pop a ridiculous amount of tic tacs.
69. I love jeans and a t-shirt.
70. I snore.
71. I consider myself gifted at making up songs on the spot to express my thoughts and feelings.
72. I like going to the movies alone.
73. When out, I like to sit in the middle of a crowd of people.
74. I have no problem dog-earring my own books, but I do not like other people dog-earring the books I loan them.
75. I keep a book of who I've loaned books to.
76. I HATE to lose and often pad my team to prevent it.
77. I only blow dry my hair about twice a week.
78. I have had the same cell phone number for 7 years.
79. I am team Pacey, not team Dawson.
80. I talk to myself at least once a day.
81. I seldom eat chicken and never eat steak.
82. I do not like orange juice or milk.
83. My sister's wedding marked my 7th time to be a bridesmaid.
84. My best friend has been my best friend since 8th grade.
85. 3 of my 10 favorite movies are musicals.
86. I know every word to "Shoop" by Salt 'N Pepa and "Stay" by Lisa Loeb.
87. I Google everything.
88. There is something about Nicholas Cage and Kirsten Dunst that I can't stand and can't explain why.
89. Lord of the Rings is one of my favorite books.
90. I drink iced tea by the gallon, which is why...
91. I've had 3 kidney stones and always feel like another is on the way.
92. While I like a clean house, my car is usually dirty.
93. Every time I grocery shop I end up handing the cashier at least 2 items that I have decided I no longer need.
94. Every year I make a list of my top 5 actors, actresses and movies.
95. I love to make and eat spaghetti and meatballs.
96. I am very, very clumsy.
97. I feel guilt when I don't return my grocery cart to it's designated corale.
98. I have read every single Jodi Picoult book.
99. Joshua Radin, Shane and Shane and Jimmy Needham are on rotation in my car cd player.
100. I think Samwise Gamgee is the best character in any book I've ever read.
101. I feel a deep need to be the first among my friends and family to see or read something.

Alright. Some fun facts about me. Interesting? Did you already know those things? Makes me curious. Another fun fact: sometimes I wonder if they put me on a game show and asked me to pick 5 people in my life who know me the best to answer questions about me for money, who would I pick? I think I know. But it changes all the time. So, study up friends in case that actually happens and I decide to pick you. Hey, it could happen.

Making the Grade

A couple of things have been happening recently that have me in some serious deep-thought moments. In my Christian walk, I have found that when it rains it pours. And by that I mean, when God finds an opportunity to teach me a lesson (as in, I am ready to receive it), He goes overboard on the visual aides. Now, granted, I can be a bit thick-headed and stubborn, so perhaps the added emphasis is necessary. But sometimes it just feels like being kicked in the spiritual gut.

Lately, I have been getting bombarded with lessons on gossip and approval. I have a lot to say about gossiping (pun intended), so I will save that for a later post. But the other thing, this need for approval, has been a life-long struggle that continues to rise and subside in my life. It is no secret that I am a people- PLEASER. It is a need (not a want) for the people I care about to find my actions both good and pleasing. It's not so much that I need people to like me, it's more about the fact that I need the people that I like to like what I do. So, as a child, it was more upsetting for me to have my parents say, "I'm disappointed", than it was to be grounded or punished.

Because of this need to please, I have occasionally let what others think, or feel, about me dictate my own emotional and mental state. I will give you a perfect example: last Saturday, some girl friends of mine went and wrapped the house of our guy friend who was having a guys night at his house. It was absolutely enjoyable until I was led to believe that people were angry and disappointed. I was henceforth crippled with worry and anxiety that my friends were now seeing me in a negative light. And this worry consumed me and transformed this night of fellowship into an anxiety-fest that ended in tears. Why? Why did I care so much about pleasing that I drained the joy out of an otherwise delightful evening?

Looking inside myself, I think it is because I am a person who cares deeply about people. And when I find that someone has earned my respect it becomes essential that I earn theirs in return. I like balance and order and I need to know that the scales are even. I need to know that the people I call dear hold me to the same esteem that I hold them in. It is a tall order. And maybe a somewhat unrealistic expectation. And hidden beneath that expectation is a fear, of not being enough. It is a very real fear with some extremely deep roots. It comes from times in my life when I didn't make the team, when the guy didn't like me back, when the guy liked me enough to kiss me but not enough to date me, when I studied and failed a test, when I put everything in to a work project and was still criticized, and when I did my best to create a home and it seemed he didn't want to come home to it. These efforts, the moments when I opened up to possibility and gave it my everything (and sometimes a bit more), seemed futile because they weren't enough to get me to my goal. No matter what the actual reason, these losses translated into failure due to not being enough: talented enough, pretty enough, worthy enough, smart enough, or loving enough. In the moment, these hurts were fierce and they confirmed the lies I told myself about needing to try harder and be more. It took some time and maturity to let most of this go and to get to the point where a loss can be placed in the proper context. But sometimes I still struggle with the temptation to make mountains out of mole-hills when it comes to letting people down.

I know you can't please everyone all the time. But I still want to. I still want to prove to them, and myself, that I am enough. I want them to see the enough-ness in me and for them to recognize it through my obvious flaws. And I think I need this, because I need it for myself. I tend to give myself a very hard time when it comes to falling. My initial response is to see it as failure, when I know that it is just trial and error. Life is a process of making mistakes, correcting them and learning from them. I do know this. And I know that I am more than enough in Christ and that He has set me free from condemnation (even my own). I have found peace in who I am in Christ and truly feel that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. But I am also human, and I have fears and insecurities just like everyone else. My hope is that by putting a name and a face to this fear that I can lessen it's presence in my life and start recognizing to for the thing that I know it is.

So, all of this gobbelty gook is meant to say that I am being taught to seek the approval of God, rather than man. This is a hard lesson that is fighting against some long-standing defenses and fears. But in the end, God will prevail and in this weakness I will be made strong.

a lesson on bravery, not brevity

Today, I want to talk about the word BRAVE. When I think of this word I imagine super-heroes and people defying all odds. It seems such a huge word to try and fill. If this were a word association game and you said "brave", I would respond with "soldier", "martyr" or "high school teacher". At least, this is what I would have said if I hadn't really tried to wrap my brain around the word. And so it was with the word "brave".

In recent years I have seen bravery in the most amazing places. When my best friend chose to carry her unborn child even when the odds weren't good, when my friends said goodbye to their husbands as they were deployed yet again, when a friends mother fought her cancer in unconventional ways, when my brother-in-law chased some kids down the street to film a drug deal, when my friend quit her job on faith that she would get another one, when another friend said yes to move to Singapore to do God's work, when my son jumps through the air knowing that someone will surely catch him, and when my dad left a good job to start his own company from scratch. These are just a few examples and there are so many more. To me, bravery is stepping out into the world of possibility without the safety net of knowledge. It is letting go and diving in without the slightest idea of how things are going to turn out and just facing what lies ahead.


I will admit that I am not really very brave. I am fairly trusting, which is a somewhat bravery of its own, but not risky. In fact, I tease a friend of mine about living in a box, but my life is as cardboard as it comes. Except for one area, words. Words are my weapon of choice. I feel most confident when I can talk my way through something or when I am afforded the opportunity to explain myself. Maybe this is why I hold honesty in such high regard. And not just honesty, but vulnerable honesty. This is the most admirable thing to me - when someone speaks out of love or conviction not knowing what the response might be.

This week I rolled some dice of my own and I spoke truth with a friend that I truly respect. I spent days perfecting the speech in my head, because I wanted it to be the exact representation of my heart and I wanted it to be genuine and to the point. It was a gamble for me, and an uneasy time of questioning and doubting. And in the end, it did not happen the way I thought it would happen or go the way I thought it would go - but it happened all the same.

Before I finish that story I want to share this side note, in my marriage I endured moments of great heartache and great joy. And when that relationship ended I was wounded and broken. I felt I had lost my voice and my spark - I was a diluted version of myself. And I decided it was better to hide away and heal. I went to my Sunday school class but I didn't engage and I refused to open up because I was afraid to let people in. I was afraid to let them see how hurt and alone I was and I didn't want them to see the scars I was carrying from another life and another person I was letting go of. I was afraid that I would be seen as damaged goods. But with great care, I opened those doors and let the life back in and slowly I welcomed vulnerability. And with this came friendships. I let people into my life again and I allowed them to see the good, and eventually the bad. And when that happened, I found that I had things to offer again. I found that I had value and worth. It was nice to be seen again. And through this process I let people in to my life that truly started to mean something to me.

Back to the story, I felt like I needed to tell one of these people something that was important to me and that in doing so I would risk the possibility that it would change things. But it needed to be said. So, I said it, without sugar coating it. And it didn't go the way I had hoped or planned. But in a way it was better. I took a risk and spoke my heart. And I meant every word. While I can not and will not go into any more details I want to say that this was a huge step for me. If anything I was able to honestly share my thoughts and feelings without fear of rejection or repercussion. This was possible because I believed that the act of saying it and having it said were more important than the response to it. Of course, not hearing the words you want to hear is always hard. Not being completely accepted or received is not preferred. While I had no expectations, I did have hopes for how the conversation would go and all of them ended with us both being on the same page. This did not happen. And I fight the impulse to take this personally. This person also spoke the truth back to me and some of it was hard to hear. There are areas in my heart that haven't fully healed and places that are still raw. I kill myself to protect these soft places and set up many traps and defense mechanisms to keep them safe. And this person spoke realities that touched at the core of some of those issues and made me truly face the things I fear. While my pride is wounded, my friendship is not. It was my own experiment in bravery. I won't say that it was a failure, because I did what I intended to do. And being able to open up and let someone new in to see the vulnerable side of me was refreshing. Just the fact that I was able to do that has made all the difference.

- if you are reading this (even though I told you not to) please know that it is an honor to share truths with you, if nothing else.

If single, should mingle?

My bestie just told me yesterday that all of my blog posts as of late have been of heavy substance. And to that I say, I just cant help myself. I guess I am just a person of substance. The trend will continue because today I am posting about something that is hitting pretty close to home for me right now. As always, I am striving for honesty here and the truth may be a teeny bit ugly. To protect the innocent (and not so innocent) I will be vague where I can and omit names and places. Relax, I am making it seem more juicy than it will be. Reputations are not on the line- except maybe my own.

On Tuesday night I was out with some of my friends from my College and Young Singles class at church. We were eating at the crab shack and sharing some laughs. And then the topic turned to friendships and the mood changed ever so slightly. I was in mixed company and the discussion was on guy/girl friendships and if such a thing could
a.) ever be healthy
b.) ever be platonic
c.) ever be beneficial
This was a conversation I have had and heard before. Some of the people at the table said that it was NEVER a good idea because someone usually gets hurt. While others argued that if the cards were on the table and everyone understood then it was fine for two people without attraction to hang out. I listened back and forth and silently tallied the points in my head for both arguments. It was an interesting topic for me because I have a history of friendships with males. So this got me thinking. And I came up with the conclusion that it was possible, but not plausible that two people could be strictly friends because USUALLY one person has (or ends up with) attraction for the other. I was pretty set in this conclusion until I did some research into my own life. And here is what I saw:

In 29 years of life, I have had 4 serious relationships. In 3 of those situations, I was "friends" with the guy for a while before a relationship ever began. Also in the last 29 years of my life, I would say that I have had a close friendship (that never matured into anything more) with 6 guys. Of those, I would say that I had feelings for only 2 of them and that at one point or another I was made aware that 3 of them had feelings for me. Based on these stats alone, I would say that the odds are not in the favor of my theory. Obviously, relationships are born from friendships and if not then in most cases one friend has feelings for the other. So, after considering this my theory had some serious holes in it.

Fast forward a day and I am summarizing both my thoughts and the initial conversation for a friend (who is a guy). And the can got opened up again. Only this time it was more personal because I was talking about the pluses and minuses of a girl/guy friendship with a guy that this girl has a friendship with. It was very interesting. And it ended with me changing my mind on the whole debate. Do I think it is possible for a guy and girl to be friends without crossing lines and boundaries? Yes, I do. It has happened to me a total of 2 times. But I also think that achieving this is extremely rare and very difficult. It requires an openness and a dialogue that centers around honesty and clear boundaries and expectations. The problem is that when feelings are involved it gets just a shade harder to be completely honest. Honesty makes you vulnerable and people tend to shy away from vulnerability. However, I currently have a male friend that I trust 100% and I genuinely feel that this person respects and cares about me and my feelings. in this situation we have spoken honestly about what to expect and not expect and have dialogued about what a healthy relationship looks like for a guy and a girl. And I think it works. At least, I am finding that it does.

It is so funny to me that I am even at a point in my life to have this debate. It has been a while since I had male friends that I hung out with or talked to. When I was married, that was a boundary that wasn't crossed. And now, it is weird for me to be entering in to a time when these things deserve attention and thought. Let me also say this, I believe that with age and life experience you can a maturity that makes what I am saying a bit more realistic. When, as a woman, you become secure in yourself and who you are in Christ, it becomes less important to have your needs met by a male. And then it becomes easier to maintain healthy emotional boundaries and also easier to identify and communicate when those boundaries go astray. At least this is true for me and my life. I will freely admit that in college I had some inappropriate friendships that had some blurred boundaries and people ended up hurt or used. It happens. But it shouldn't and it doesn't need to. Unfortunately though, I didn't know then all the things I know now. And probably I only know those things because I learned them the hard way.

Anyway, this has been in my head and heart lately because it is a time in my life when I am revisiting and reevaluating my stance on this matter. And I am a bit surprised by how much has changed since this was last an issue for me. I like being challenged to evaluate my actions and to really debate about what is permissible versus what is beneficial. I am pleased as punch to find that I am indeed growing up in some senses. Just food for thought.

Just Not Feeling It

Under normal circumstances I consider myself a glass half-full kind of girl. I understand the reality of life and what I call the always and nevers. For instance, you can NEVER make everyone happy or your friends won't ALWAYS agree with you. I am not naive enough to think that every story has a happy ending or that people get out what they out into something. In fact, I tend to get annoyed with books, movies and TV shows that portray ideal situations because that isn't reality. In reality, people get hurt when they take chances. In reality, the person you like sometimes doesn't feel the same. In reality, you can be the best at something and still lose. In reality, you can devote your whole life to one thing and then get it and still not be happy. But despite all this, I am usually still optimistic and hopeful. I get the reality but I tend to focus on the possibility.

However, today is not one of those days. Well, that's not really accurate. Today has been somewhat of a mixed bag of emotions and thoughts. Someone dear to my heart lost something precious today. This person lost the baby that she was carrying with hopeful expectations. It is a time of sorrow and questioning. The circumstances seem exceedingly cruel to me. I know that God gives and takes away. But even I, who has complete faith in His plans, sometimes questions why? I spoke with this person today and in her tears she said "these things happen" and "it will be OK". And what I want to say is that yes, it will be OK. Wounds heal and life goes on. There is strength in facing circumstances and embracing the pain without letting it consume you.

I have been hit hard by this situation today. I admit that I am crying as I type this. It is so unbelievably hard to watch someone you love go through such pain. But it is also so encouraging to watch them rise above it.

In my life I have had the honor of being blessed with friends who truly care. And not just care, but encourage. Lately, I have found that when I voice my need for help, help comes. Today, I told a friend that I was having a hard time and they responded with scripture. How lucky I am to have friends who love me enough to speak the truth. This friend referred me to Psalms 63 which says, in verses 7 and 8,

Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.
My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.

And also to Psalm 138, versus 3 and 7-8:

When I called, you answered me;you made me bold and stouthearted.

and

8 The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me;

your love, O LORD, endures forever—

do not abandon the works of your hands.

I am thankful for these words. And even as I read them and type I am becoming emotional by the promises in them. You may read this and feel something different or they may not mean the same thing to you. But to me they show that there is a help, an answer and a purpose in my life and that even though I don't see it, it is there. And when you feel alone or "cursed" or punished, take heart that you have not been abandoned. The work is still being done.

Emotionally, I am working through some stuff tonight and I admit that some of that feeling may be getting in the way of the point I am trying to make. Either way, it has been cathartic for me to process my grief in this way.