A couple of things have been happening recently that have me in some serious deep-thought moments. In my Christian walk, I have found that when it rains it pours. And by that I mean, when God finds an opportunity to teach me a lesson (as in, I am ready to receive it), He goes overboard on the visual aides. Now, granted, I can be a bit thick-headed and stubborn, so perhaps the added emphasis is necessary. But sometimes it just feels like being kicked in the spiritual gut.
Lately, I have been getting bombarded with lessons on gossip and approval. I have a lot to say about gossiping (pun intended), so I will save that for a later post. But the other thing, this need for approval, has been a life-long struggle that continues to rise and subside in my life. It is no secret that I am a people- PLEASER. It is a need (not a want) for the people I care about to find my actions both good and pleasing. It's not so much that I need people to like me, it's more about the fact that I need the people that I like to like what I do. So, as a child, it was more upsetting for me to have my parents say, "I'm disappointed", than it was to be grounded or punished.
Because of this need to please, I have occasionally let what others think, or feel, about me dictate my own emotional and mental state. I will give you a perfect example: last Saturday, some girl friends of mine went and wrapped the house of our guy friend who was having a guys night at his house. It was absolutely enjoyable until I was led to believe that people were angry and disappointed. I was henceforth crippled with worry and anxiety that my friends were now seeing me in a negative light. And this worry consumed me and transformed this night of fellowship into an anxiety-fest that ended in tears. Why? Why did I care so much about pleasing that I drained the joy out of an otherwise delightful evening?
Looking inside myself, I think it is because I am a person who cares deeply about people. And when I find that someone has earned my respect it becomes essential that I earn theirs in return. I like balance and order and I need to know that the scales are even. I need to know that the people I call dear hold me to the same esteem that I hold them in. It is a tall order. And maybe a somewhat unrealistic expectation. And hidden beneath that expectation is a fear, of not being enough. It is a very real fear with some extremely deep roots. It comes from times in my life when I didn't make the team, when the guy didn't like me back, when the guy liked me enough to kiss me but not enough to date me, when I studied and failed a test, when I put everything in to a work project and was still criticized, and when I did my best to create a home and it seemed he didn't want to come home to it. These efforts, the moments when I opened up to possibility and gave it my everything (and sometimes a bit more), seemed futile because they weren't enough to get me to my goal. No matter what the actual reason, these losses translated into failure due to not being enough: talented enough, pretty enough, worthy enough, smart enough, or loving enough. In the moment, these hurts were fierce and they confirmed the lies I told myself about needing to try harder and be more. It took some time and maturity to let most of this go and to get to the point where a loss can be placed in the proper context. But sometimes I still struggle with the temptation to make mountains out of mole-hills when it comes to letting people down.
I know you can't please everyone all the time. But I still want to. I still want to prove to them, and myself, that I am enough. I want them to see the enough-ness in me and for them to recognize it through my obvious flaws. And I think I need this, because I need it for myself. I tend to give myself a very hard time when it comes to falling. My initial response is to see it as failure, when I know that it is just trial and error. Life is a process of making mistakes, correcting them and learning from them. I do know this. And I know that I am more than enough in Christ and that He has set me free from condemnation (even my own). I have found peace in who I am in Christ and truly feel that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. But I am also human, and I have fears and insecurities just like everyone else. My hope is that by putting a name and a face to this fear that I can lessen it's presence in my life and start recognizing to for the thing that I know it is.
So, all of this gobbelty gook is meant to say that I am being taught to seek the approval of God, rather than man. This is a hard lesson that is fighting against some long-standing defenses and fears. But in the end, God will prevail and in this weakness I will be made strong.
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