Resolve

As I was driving today I was thinking about my college years. Next year will be my ten year reunion from college and when I stop and think about that time I am hesitant to call it the best of my years. What I can say is that those years were marked by confidence, self discovery, acceptance and the pursuit of truth. I had very few cares and concerns and the ones I did have were easy and manageable. Since that time I have settled in to myself and have grown accustomed to the me that I am, sometimes even regretably so. In the not so distant past I saw a friend that I haven't spent much time with since college. After seeing this friend, I was told that he had noted that I seemed "hardened" by life. I don't think I can fully agree with that statement but I can say that life has made me wiser, stronger and more determined. The funnel through which I let things pass has grown smaller and my skill at maneuvering it much better. College was a time of paper rock scissor tournaments, late night Whataburger runs and wearing pajamas to class. Since that time my decisions have become tougher, my spectrum of expreiences much broader. I have watched friends deal with the loss of children, the loss of parents, the end of marriages, the uncertainty of emlpoyment and the aftermath of heartache. This past year was an exceptionally challenging one for me. I found myself facing losses and heartaches and disappointments that I was unprepared for. I was stretched as a mother, a friend, a woman and a Christian. I was asked to be there for people in ways that I didn't think I would be able to and to give when I thought I had nothing left in the tank. It was a year for raising bars, setting hopes, starting over, finding footing and facing reality. It was a good year but I think that somewhere along the way I lost myself a little bit. I forgot what was most important and settled for things that felt good and seemed right. I started taking some risks with my emotions and my heart. And in that process I learned that there is a fine balance between guarding your heart and wearing it on your sleeve. Even though I may not have found that balance yet, I know that I am getting closer to knowing what it looks like.

This year, I am looking to make new resolutions. I have deemed this my year of personal improvements. The aim is to be a healthier version of me - mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally. I want to get out of my comfort zone and get active and start moving. I want to feel better about myself and the attitude I present to others. I want to let go of the insecurities and the voices in the head that tell me I'm not enough or too much and just learn to be confident in who I am again. I want to worry less about the how's and why's of life and just accept that God has a plan that is perfect and has my good and His glory as the goal. I want to stop needing validation from others, stop expecting certain actions and words, stop asking what things mean and looking for the hidden meaning and just take things at face value. This year, my hope and prayer is that I can find peace and joy in ALL things and not just put on a happy face. I sense that God has me where He wants me and is on the verge of something big in my life. I am not where I thought I would be or where I had hoped I would be at this time last year. But I can say that I am also stronger. I am wiser. And I am ready to move forward. This post is a promise to myself to let it go and get out of the way of the bigger picture, the master plan, and to stop complaining and just enjoy the ride. Here's to a great year. Obstacles removed, joy returned, lessons learned, steps taken...