Steel Bars

STEEL BARS by: Jill Phillips

So this is how it feels at the rock bottom of despair
When the house I built comes crashing down
And this is how it feels when I know the man that I say I am
Is not the man that I am when no one's around
This is how it feels to come alive again
And start fighting back to gain control
And this is how it feels to let freedom in
And break these chains that enslave my soul

I refuse to be locked up in here like a prison cell
Where all I ever get is a meal and four walls
I used to be just fine in here but not anymore
Gonna break through these steel bars

So tell me how it feels when the tables start to turn
And you find yourself at the losing end
Tell me how it feels, you're not welcome here
'Cause I'm tired of pain and I'm tired of sin

I won't let you win
I have no doubt
I don't want you in
So get out, get out

That song was introduced to me as a freshman in college. And at the time it resonated with me because of the powerful lyrics about being set free. After all, that was what college was for me. It was a time of truly finding myself and feeling set free from the prison walls of myself and who people expected me to be. Needless to say, in my new found blissful naivety I embraced this song. And then, I forgot it.

This week, I was driving in my car and I was thinking about an idea for a blog and all of a sudden I remembered the words to this song. I couldn't remember the name of the song, or who sang it, but I let Google do it's magic and within minutes I was listening to the song again. It is ten years and a million life moments later and that song is still getting to me, but in a different sort of way.

Now when I hear it I don't think about freedom, I think about the prison cell and what it took to end up there. And that has got me thinking about some things. In my life, I have had dreams and expectations and hopes for my future. On occasion I have run full force towards these ideas, expending all my energy to overcome the odds and achieve that which is desired. Sometimes this has worked as beautifully and seamlessly as I intended and imagined. But sometimes the things I have wanted and pursued the most have led me to a place I never intended and would not have imagined. You see, for all my scheming and striving I sometimes forget to count the costs or to consider the bigger picture.

Sometimes I get an idea in my head that this one thing, or that one desire will bring me happiness and freedom beyond compare. And in that moment, nothing less will do. I want the best, as we all do, and when I think I've cornered the market on what is best then I set out to acquire it. However, there have been times when the attainment of my desires has led me away from freedom and inside my own steel bars. We can want something so badly that it becomes our focus, our obsession, or our addiction. And then once we get it, it traps us and makes us it's prisoner. This can happen so subtly that we deceive ourselves in to thinking we are still in control. After all, we pursued this beast, we wanted it. And we think, how could something so good be so bad for us.

But sometimes it just is. Sometimes the things that we think will make us happy, end up making us miserable. And sometimes the things we think will set us free, just trap us in to becoming the person we don't recognize.

I have been there. More times than I want to admit. I have been on the other side of steel bars, wondering what happened to my joy and my peace and how I ended up feeling trapped by sin and doubt and pain. And the answer is always that I put myself there by my relentless desire for control and happiness. And in pursuit of that I have abandoned the joy of the Lord, that peace that passes all understanding.

Here is what I know, there is freedom and joy and promises that are mine to own and to claim. And these things are wrapped up in a pursuit of the Lord, not in the pursuit of things, or people, or ideas. If I can respect that, and appreciate that truth then I will avoid becoming a prisoner to my own wants and desires. The truth will set you free. That is a fact. The hard part is knowing your truth and sticking to it and letting that process bring you the freedom and joy you seek in the face of easier and more accessible options.

To listen to the song, go here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JXlV4svITik

Leslie Enchanted

OK, here is a somewhat embarrassing confession: I want to be a Disney Princess. Anyone will do, I'm not too terribly picky (although, I'm somewhat partial to Belle). It isn't that I envy their money, or their titles, or their clothes or good looks. In fact, I could do without those things if I had the one thing they all have- a prince.

See, I'm not just talking about the fact that they met someone tall, dark and handsome (although that doesn't hurt, certainly). However, those things lose ranking precedence the more I find myself maturing in age. I suppose I am finding that there are plenty more important things than the size of his jeans, the thickness of his hair and the brand of his shoes. What I really want is romance, a full, hearty dose of it.There is nothing as romantic as the feeling of stability, security and dependability. If you can guarantee that those things will exist, forever and always, my love tank will remain perpetually full. If those things are my reality, that's the happiest ending I could hope for.

I think the more accurate thing to say is that I want the pursuit. Let me clarify that I do want a Prince, someday. Eventually. But I don't just want anyone. I want a Prince that will pursue me. Who will fight the dragon, climb the tower, travel far distances, and look like a fool for me. My heart has always wanted this kind of wanting. And deep down, or not so deep down, I believe every woman wants someone who is willing to fight to stand by her side and have her hand to hold. I admit that I have not found this yet. I was close on a few occasions, but not quite there. And at the time, I don't think I fully realized just how important the chase was for me. And not just the initial chase, but the continued chase. The one that says I got you and now I will do whatever it takes to keep you. I'm referring to the lifelong chase.

      

It is in this way that I am envious of the Disney Princess. Because they have a Prince who shows up, every time, and does what it takes to awaken her heart and make her his princess. Sometimes all this takes is one single kiss (Snow White), but sometimes it requires fighting an underwater octopus queen (Little Mermaid), or scouring a whole town for the one that got away (Cinderella) or learning how to be the best version of yourself (Beauty and the Beast).  This kind of love is what my heart longs for and I hope that one day that sort of prince will come. But, if not, I am confident that my story will still have a happy ending. My heart is spoken for no matter what, by One that never lets me down and always fights and intercedes on my behalf. And even I am learning how to fight for myself in this way. I am figuring out how to defend the things that I value about myself against the lies and tricks of those who try to steal it.