It has been a while since posted anything of substance on this blog. In these last few months I have been experiencing the extremes of my emotions. I have been to both incredible highs and seemingly unbearable lows and all the pit stops in between. While I wouldn't say that it has been one giant hay ride of excitement, I can say that it has led me here, smack dab in the place I am meant to be and I've come to grips with the fact that that is alright. It is just right enough I should say, because some days, to be honest, alright seems a bit less than hoped for and a bit more than I can handle.
You see, like many of you, I had something and I lost it. There are more details and feelings involved, but these are the gists. These are my simple truths. I had something that was important to me and for all the wanting and waiting and wondering that I reserved for it, it wasn't right. And in the end, I lost it. It left. And I was not the same. I felt broken and empty and utterly without. It was one of those things that felt absolutely right, but still one hundred percent sucky. Ever have one of those? I mean, I felt the suckiness down to my core and I was not happy about it. In fact, I spent a little bit of time being down right pissed off that I had to deal with disappointment, yet again. I was furious that the God I love and trust did not see fit to give me what I wanted this time. Because I was arrogant enough to think that I had been through enough, I had paid my dues and it was time that something good happened to me, something that I wanted and planned for. But that did not happen. I opened my hand to receive the gifts and walked away with it empty despite my prayers and despite my longings. That did not seem right. Or just. Or fair. So I got a serious case of the mopes. It was bad. And I do not feign pride at the thoughts and prayers of my heart at that time.
However, I got through it. The leaving happened in stages, it took it's sweet time with the final good bye but it did eventually leave. And the hole that once was became something different. I can't fully say that it is better yet, but I trust that we are on our way to that place. The truth is, that hole is still becoming. It has not achieved finality yet. But the weight is lifting. It is amazing how much freedom and unburdening accompany perspective and clarity.
This life, and the things in it, have seasons. Everything ebbs and flows, it wanes and waxes to become what it needs to be when the timing is right and the circumstances allow it. There is a rhyme and reason to these circumstances, but they are always changing. So what seems right today, may not be so right tomorrow. Those perfect fits, may turn out to be not so perfect down the road. I am experiencing a bit of that right now. Some relationships in my life are experiencing an evolution of seasons and I can not quite understand the hows and whys. What I know is that things are different and the level of my investment has changed as well. I find this fact unsettling because it is not a change that I want, at all. And I can not come to grasp with the feelings that this evolution is creating. I understand that friends come and go. I have had more than my share of friends who came, and were dearly loved, and then left, and were missed. I know it happens. And sometimes this feels completely natural and you ride it out and do what it takes to let it go and move on. But sometimes it does not and you fight it. And you hope that things will carry on as usual... for the foreseeable future. And maybe it will. But also, maybe it won't.
Things do eventually play themselves out. The movie ends, the CD restarts, the curtain closes, and we move on. Sometimes we outgrow the things we love and we have to find something that fits a little better with where we are at right now. If we are lucky, the things we really love find a way back to us, somehow. But I have a scrapbook (or two) filled with people and places that have cycled out and relegated themselves to wonderful memories, instead of current realities. And that is ok. I loved them when I had them, and I appreciate them for what they were to me.
I guess I am writing this somewhat confusing blog to try and understand my place in my life right now. I feel slightly lost and slightly askew in a time when I thought I knew where I was going and what I wanted. I am readjusting and reshuffling and I feel like I am losing some important things in that process. Things that I am afraid I won't get back. Things that I am not ready to give up without a fight. I know what will be will eventually be. And I am not arrogant enough to think I can change that. However, every season of life has its good and bad things, the perks and the pratfalls. While I sense that a new season is looming, I fins myself clinging to those things that are good and hoping that they can remain, a little while longer, so that I may enjoy them to the full.
