Who's got the keys to the Jeep?

Has it really been a month since I last posted? Yikes. Where have I been? I have been fully immersed in the Christmas hoopla and the bliss of being in a new relationship. Well, an old/new relationship. It has been a wonderful holiday season and I have found myself jumping from joy to joy and smile to smile. But the holidays are now over. The trappings have been boxed up and stored away for another year. And life continues on.

Someone I know used to tell me that I was crazy. I used to think this was offensive. In fact, I recall getting very upset at this remark a time or two. But, the older I get, the more I find this statement to be true. At least slightly true. And... I find that I have less cause to deny and more reasons to just embrace it. Now, when I say crazy I DO NOT mean in the stalk you outside your window, ranting and raving kind of way. What I mean is that sometimes I get so caught up in the world inside my head that it effects my reality.

Let me clarify again. I am not delusional and I am certain that I have just the one personality and identity. But... these expectations and ideas of mine get pretty lodged in to my brain and they settle right on in. So, should the actual events of my life not match what I had predetermined would and should happen then things get a little dicey. I start overanalyzing and overthinking, which leads to being overwhelmed and it is just too much.  On a good day, I can see, with clarity, the irrationality of all of this. And I sometimes even lay these ideas down and seek the the will of God. And still other times I find that I can not let go of my expectations. This is a horrible habit by the way. I do not recommend it.

I too easily fall in to the habit of second guessing. You know: "why did she say this?, "why didn't he do that?", "did he do this because he thinks this?" or "what if she said this but really meant that?". It is exhausting just typing it. And utterly ridiculous to boot. It is... CRAZY. It is me trying to make sense of a world that does not fit inside my box. It is me trying to guess the hows and whys of people and their actions. All this guess work leads to empty assumptions (and we all know what happens when one assumes) which lead to disappointments when those assumptions inevitably turn out to be FALSE.

Does anyone else feel me on this? Or am I the only one silly enough to admit I'm crazy? I have never liked the unknown. I prefer to have the facts laid out and to make an informed decision. It drive me nuts when I have to wait for someone else to decide because I can't make them choose and I can't make them hurry either. I am not saying these things are good. I can safely say that anything that leads to stress and anxiety is not a good strategy. I am a work in progress and I have agreed to spend this year learning how to relinquish control. I will learn to be a happy passenger and let others drive every once in a while. But, ultimately, I am going to default to the Lord more and to myself less.