Steel Bars

STEEL BARS by: Jill Phillips

So this is how it feels at the rock bottom of despair
When the house I built comes crashing down
And this is how it feels when I know the man that I say I am
Is not the man that I am when no one's around
This is how it feels to come alive again
And start fighting back to gain control
And this is how it feels to let freedom in
And break these chains that enslave my soul

I refuse to be locked up in here like a prison cell
Where all I ever get is a meal and four walls
I used to be just fine in here but not anymore
Gonna break through these steel bars

So tell me how it feels when the tables start to turn
And you find yourself at the losing end
Tell me how it feels, you're not welcome here
'Cause I'm tired of pain and I'm tired of sin

I won't let you win
I have no doubt
I don't want you in
So get out, get out

That song was introduced to me as a freshman in college. And at the time it resonated with me because of the powerful lyrics about being set free. After all, that was what college was for me. It was a time of truly finding myself and feeling set free from the prison walls of myself and who people expected me to be. Needless to say, in my new found blissful naivety I embraced this song. And then, I forgot it.

This week, I was driving in my car and I was thinking about an idea for a blog and all of a sudden I remembered the words to this song. I couldn't remember the name of the song, or who sang it, but I let Google do it's magic and within minutes I was listening to the song again. It is ten years and a million life moments later and that song is still getting to me, but in a different sort of way.

Now when I hear it I don't think about freedom, I think about the prison cell and what it took to end up there. And that has got me thinking about some things. In my life, I have had dreams and expectations and hopes for my future. On occasion I have run full force towards these ideas, expending all my energy to overcome the odds and achieve that which is desired. Sometimes this has worked as beautifully and seamlessly as I intended and imagined. But sometimes the things I have wanted and pursued the most have led me to a place I never intended and would not have imagined. You see, for all my scheming and striving I sometimes forget to count the costs or to consider the bigger picture.

Sometimes I get an idea in my head that this one thing, or that one desire will bring me happiness and freedom beyond compare. And in that moment, nothing less will do. I want the best, as we all do, and when I think I've cornered the market on what is best then I set out to acquire it. However, there have been times when the attainment of my desires has led me away from freedom and inside my own steel bars. We can want something so badly that it becomes our focus, our obsession, or our addiction. And then once we get it, it traps us and makes us it's prisoner. This can happen so subtly that we deceive ourselves in to thinking we are still in control. After all, we pursued this beast, we wanted it. And we think, how could something so good be so bad for us.

But sometimes it just is. Sometimes the things that we think will make us happy, end up making us miserable. And sometimes the things we think will set us free, just trap us in to becoming the person we don't recognize.

I have been there. More times than I want to admit. I have been on the other side of steel bars, wondering what happened to my joy and my peace and how I ended up feeling trapped by sin and doubt and pain. And the answer is always that I put myself there by my relentless desire for control and happiness. And in pursuit of that I have abandoned the joy of the Lord, that peace that passes all understanding.

Here is what I know, there is freedom and joy and promises that are mine to own and to claim. And these things are wrapped up in a pursuit of the Lord, not in the pursuit of things, or people, or ideas. If I can respect that, and appreciate that truth then I will avoid becoming a prisoner to my own wants and desires. The truth will set you free. That is a fact. The hard part is knowing your truth and sticking to it and letting that process bring you the freedom and joy you seek in the face of easier and more accessible options.

To listen to the song, go here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JXlV4svITik

Leslie Enchanted

OK, here is a somewhat embarrassing confession: I want to be a Disney Princess. Anyone will do, I'm not too terribly picky (although, I'm somewhat partial to Belle). It isn't that I envy their money, or their titles, or their clothes or good looks. In fact, I could do without those things if I had the one thing they all have- a prince.

See, I'm not just talking about the fact that they met someone tall, dark and handsome (although that doesn't hurt, certainly). However, those things lose ranking precedence the more I find myself maturing in age. I suppose I am finding that there are plenty more important things than the size of his jeans, the thickness of his hair and the brand of his shoes. What I really want is romance, a full, hearty dose of it.There is nothing as romantic as the feeling of stability, security and dependability. If you can guarantee that those things will exist, forever and always, my love tank will remain perpetually full. If those things are my reality, that's the happiest ending I could hope for.

I think the more accurate thing to say is that I want the pursuit. Let me clarify that I do want a Prince, someday. Eventually. But I don't just want anyone. I want a Prince that will pursue me. Who will fight the dragon, climb the tower, travel far distances, and look like a fool for me. My heart has always wanted this kind of wanting. And deep down, or not so deep down, I believe every woman wants someone who is willing to fight to stand by her side and have her hand to hold. I admit that I have not found this yet. I was close on a few occasions, but not quite there. And at the time, I don't think I fully realized just how important the chase was for me. And not just the initial chase, but the continued chase. The one that says I got you and now I will do whatever it takes to keep you. I'm referring to the lifelong chase.

      

It is in this way that I am envious of the Disney Princess. Because they have a Prince who shows up, every time, and does what it takes to awaken her heart and make her his princess. Sometimes all this takes is one single kiss (Snow White), but sometimes it requires fighting an underwater octopus queen (Little Mermaid), or scouring a whole town for the one that got away (Cinderella) or learning how to be the best version of yourself (Beauty and the Beast).  This kind of love is what my heart longs for and I hope that one day that sort of prince will come. But, if not, I am confident that my story will still have a happy ending. My heart is spoken for no matter what, by One that never lets me down and always fights and intercedes on my behalf. And even I am learning how to fight for myself in this way. I am figuring out how to defend the things that I value about myself against the lies and tricks of those who try to steal it.

Music Monday #1 - G. DeGraw

Ok, I'm starting a new thing, Music Monday. I love music and it gets me through quite a bit. It always seems I can find a song that resonates with how I am thinking and feeling and I feel validated. And transformed. So, I want to share some of the gems that I love and the new stuff I've found. To start, I found this song by Gavin DeGraw called, Not Over You. It is the new single from his upcoming album, Sweeter. I know that Gavin DeGraw is old school and probably became uncool about the same time that One Tree Hill and the CW did. BUT, I love Gavin DeGraw music (and OTH too) and I'm excited about whats to come. So... here is the link to the new song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQDc3bhGQP8

And, since I feel this is my one forum to share Gavin music, here are two more songs that I like. One is Stay, from the album Free.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eM61MusOE7g

And the other is Glass, also from the album Free. I think this is an absolutely beautiful song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_0DxKDx2H4Q&feature=related

Ok, thats enough of the Gavin hour. Have a listen if you want, or just skip it altogether.

Turn, Turn, Turn

It has been a while since posted anything of substance on this blog. In these last few months I have been experiencing the extremes of my emotions. I have been to both incredible highs and seemingly unbearable lows and all the pit stops in between. While I wouldn't say that it has been one giant hay ride of excitement, I can say that it has led me here, smack dab in the place I am meant to be and I've come to grips with the fact that that is alright. It is just right enough I should say, because some days, to be honest, alright seems a bit less than hoped for and a bit more than I can handle.

You see, like many of you, I had something and I lost it. There are more details and feelings involved, but these are the gists. These are my simple truths. I had something that was important to me and for all the wanting and waiting and wondering that I reserved for it, it wasn't right. And in the end, I lost it. It left. And I was not the same. I felt broken and empty and utterly without. It was one of those things that felt absolutely right, but still one hundred percent sucky. Ever have one of those? I mean, I felt the suckiness down to my core and I was not happy about it. In fact, I spent a little bit of time being down right pissed off that I had to deal with disappointment, yet again. I was furious that the God I love and trust did not see fit to give me what I wanted this time. Because I was arrogant enough to think that I had been through enough, I had paid my dues and it was time that something good happened to me, something that I wanted and planned for. But that did not happen. I opened my hand to receive the gifts and walked away with it empty despite my prayers and despite my longings. That did not seem right. Or just. Or fair. So I got a serious case of the mopes. It was bad. And I do not feign pride at the thoughts and prayers of my heart at that time.

However, I got through it. The leaving happened in stages, it took it's sweet time with the final good bye but it did eventually leave. And the hole that once was became something different. I can't fully say that it is better yet, but I trust that we are on our way to that place. The truth is, that hole is still becoming. It has not achieved finality yet. But the weight is lifting. It is amazing how much freedom and unburdening accompany perspective and clarity.

This life, and the things in it, have seasons. Everything ebbs and flows, it wanes and waxes to become what it needs to be when the timing is right and the circumstances allow it. There is a rhyme and reason to these circumstances, but they are always changing. So what seems right today, may not be so right tomorrow. Those perfect fits, may turn out to be not so perfect down the road. I am experiencing a bit of that right now. Some relationships in my life are experiencing an evolution of seasons and I can not quite understand the hows and whys. What I know is that things are different and the level of my investment has changed as well. I find this fact unsettling because it is not a change that I want, at all. And I can not come to grasp with the feelings that this evolution is creating. I understand that friends come and go. I have had more than my share of friends who came, and were dearly loved, and then left, and were missed. I know it happens. And sometimes this feels completely natural and you ride it out and do what it takes to let it go and move on. But sometimes it does not and you fight it. And you hope that things will carry on as usual... for the foreseeable future. And maybe it will. But also, maybe it won't.

Things do eventually play themselves out. The movie ends, the CD restarts, the curtain closes, and we move on. Sometimes we outgrow the things we love and we have to find something that fits a little better with where we are at right now. If we are lucky, the things we really love find a way back to us, somehow. But I have a scrapbook (or two) filled with people and places that have cycled out and relegated themselves to wonderful memories, instead of current realities. And that is ok. I loved them when I had them, and I appreciate them for what they were to me.

I guess I am writing this somewhat confusing blog to try and understand my place in my life right now. I feel slightly lost and slightly askew in a time when I thought I knew where I was going and what I wanted. I am readjusting and reshuffling and I feel like I am losing some important things in that process. Things that I am afraid I won't get back. Things that I am not ready to give up without a fight. I know what will be will eventually be. And I am not arrogant enough to think I can change that. However, every season of life has its good and bad things, the perks and the pratfalls. While I sense that a new season is looming, I fins myself clinging to those things that are good and hoping that they can remain, a little while longer, so that I may enjoy them to the full.

Wait for It

I have much to say. And its been a while since I said it. But wait for it, because it is coming. And coming soon. Real soon.

Who's got the keys to the Jeep?

Has it really been a month since I last posted? Yikes. Where have I been? I have been fully immersed in the Christmas hoopla and the bliss of being in a new relationship. Well, an old/new relationship. It has been a wonderful holiday season and I have found myself jumping from joy to joy and smile to smile. But the holidays are now over. The trappings have been boxed up and stored away for another year. And life continues on.

Someone I know used to tell me that I was crazy. I used to think this was offensive. In fact, I recall getting very upset at this remark a time or two. But, the older I get, the more I find this statement to be true. At least slightly true. And... I find that I have less cause to deny and more reasons to just embrace it. Now, when I say crazy I DO NOT mean in the stalk you outside your window, ranting and raving kind of way. What I mean is that sometimes I get so caught up in the world inside my head that it effects my reality.

Let me clarify again. I am not delusional and I am certain that I have just the one personality and identity. But... these expectations and ideas of mine get pretty lodged in to my brain and they settle right on in. So, should the actual events of my life not match what I had predetermined would and should happen then things get a little dicey. I start overanalyzing and overthinking, which leads to being overwhelmed and it is just too much.  On a good day, I can see, with clarity, the irrationality of all of this. And I sometimes even lay these ideas down and seek the the will of God. And still other times I find that I can not let go of my expectations. This is a horrible habit by the way. I do not recommend it.

I too easily fall in to the habit of second guessing. You know: "why did she say this?, "why didn't he do that?", "did he do this because he thinks this?" or "what if she said this but really meant that?". It is exhausting just typing it. And utterly ridiculous to boot. It is... CRAZY. It is me trying to make sense of a world that does not fit inside my box. It is me trying to guess the hows and whys of people and their actions. All this guess work leads to empty assumptions (and we all know what happens when one assumes) which lead to disappointments when those assumptions inevitably turn out to be FALSE.

Does anyone else feel me on this? Or am I the only one silly enough to admit I'm crazy? I have never liked the unknown. I prefer to have the facts laid out and to make an informed decision. It drive me nuts when I have to wait for someone else to decide because I can't make them choose and I can't make them hurry either. I am not saying these things are good. I can safely say that anything that leads to stress and anxiety is not a good strategy. I am a work in progress and I have agreed to spend this year learning how to relinquish control. I will learn to be a happy passenger and let others drive every once in a while. But, ultimately, I am going to default to the Lord more and to myself less.