Everything in these pictures just feels really good. From sitting on the deck of a sailboat to getting a much needed hug, these things are too good to describe. And I think that I fit in to this category right now. Yesterday I was talking to a friend and that friend said that he could not, with 100% certainty, say that he was "good" and actually mean it. I discussed this with him and I sympathized and empathized with him but I realized that the same is not true for me. I had a sudden epiphany that I am GOOD. This kind of struck me from out of the blue. I have been in the pattern of working TOWARDS good for so long that it kind of crept up on me unexpectedly. Suddenly I AM good, in my soul, and this feels amazing! Yes, it has been a tough year. And yes, I have learned a lot of things the hard way. But my goodness, it feels so nice to come out of the other side and say that I am stronger, more faithful and filled with a deeper joy. It's like a breath of fresh air... or a fresh-from-the oven chocolate chip cookie.
It has been nine months since my husband and I officially separated and I do indeed feel that I have come out of the other side at last. And what I have found is that the grass isn't necessarily greener but it sure feels nice after walking on all those coals to get there. And now, right this minute, I am seeing that there is quite a view to be found on this side as well - if you are in the mind to search for it.
" When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul. "
It is well with me and I feel that deep down. Though the sorrow lasts for the night, joy does eventually come in the morning. Sometimes those night hours are pretty rough though. Sometimes the morning can not come soon enough. But when it does, your whole perspective changes and it feels "less" somehow. Not less important, or less real... just less catastrophic and more acceptable.
And so, to my friend who has seen better days, I know you will read this and I am sorry that you are less than good. I hurt for your hurts but I also rejoice in knowing that you too will rejoice again soon, and very soon. Your admission helped me to see my realization and for that I am glad. My cup has runneth over once more.
I came to this same epiphany a few months after Elliot died. All while I was carrying him, and for those first terribly difficult months afterwards, all I could muster up to say to people was an "I'm OK", and even then still with a tilt of my head (kind of like Richard explains in reference to his divorce on Friends) Anyway, after a few months, it was such a breath of fresh air to realize that I could genuinely say that I was "good" and actually mean it. I'm SO grateful that you have reached a point of "good"! Perhaps "awesomely great" is just around the corner! :)
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