I can't fight this feeling anymore...

" So take it! Take another little piece of my heart now baby.
And break it! break another little piece of my heart- I know you will"

Basically, I have been living these Janis Joplin lyrics for a while now. I have been giving my husband permission to break my heart, over and over again, because I believed it would come to some happy resolution in the end. I have screamed and cried and asked myself why on many occasions. And the thing is... that sometimes it just "is what it is".

When I got married, I had this vision of what the wedding and the marriage would be like. And this image was based on what I had seen from my parents, my friends and the media. I had taken these snip its of other people's lives (both real and fiction) and decided that I would get the happy ending. And I married someone that I thought could give that to me. And then life happened. And I found out that marriage is hard and it is more than kisses and kids - it is leading your heart when it is hurt or offended and would rather not be there.

To be fair, I have had some wonderful moments as a wife. I have enjoyed my wifely role and relished what it brought to my life. But lately, being a wife has been hard. Really hard. And even on my best days, what I have to offer is not enough to get the results I want. And the loss of this dream is heart breaking.

Today, I have been knocked on my rear end by life and love. I have found myself asking questions that I never dreamed I would be asking. Certainly, I feel like I should be on the cover of one of those entertainment magazines with a picture of my husband and I with a big rip down the middle and some dramatic headline with an exclamation point. At this time I don't know what my headline would say. I haven't filled in those blanks yet. But I do know that I believe in love. I like being in love and I support and embrace the concept of marriage. My sister is getting married soon and I am so happy that she is entering in to that union. But for whatever reason, my fairy tale ending hasn't' come. Maybe it's around the corner or perhaps it is at the end of a different chapter.

I am sad today and a little angry. I have given love free reign in my life and allowed it to hurt me and heal me in turns. And I do not regret that. What I have a hard time accepting is that love only has so much weight and strength and then it is up to people to do something with it. And people are fickle creations. They can change their mind on a dime. People can cherish your heart one day and break it the next. And all you can do is be in charge of you and make the right choices and reactions for yourself. Even though I may choose the best path, the one I feel called to, doesn't mean I get what I want. Because in the end, everyone has that choice, and someone else may choose wrongly or for the wrong reasons. And that is life.

My wounded heart will heal and love will remain. But today I grieve for what was, what is and what may never be.

" Smile when your heart is aching.

Smile, even though it's breaking.
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by.

If you smile, through your fear and sorrow.

Smile, and maybe tomorrow

You'll see the sun come shining through for you.

Light up your face with gladness.

Hide every trace of sadness.

Although a tear may be ever so near

That's the time you must keep on trying

Smile, what's the use of crying?

You'll find that life is still worthwhile

If you just smile. "

And that is the new choice I am making. I started off this blog talking about my choice to continue to let my heart get broken and I am ending by saying that my choice now is to keep on trying to find joy in the sadness. And for me, thankfully, there is much to be glad about. Friends, family, faith and my beautiful baby boy. These things are the sun before, during and after the storm.