Who's got the keys to the Jeep?

Has it really been a month since I last posted? Yikes. Where have I been? I have been fully immersed in the Christmas hoopla and the bliss of being in a new relationship. Well, an old/new relationship. It has been a wonderful holiday season and I have found myself jumping from joy to joy and smile to smile. But the holidays are now over. The trappings have been boxed up and stored away for another year. And life continues on.

Someone I know used to tell me that I was crazy. I used to think this was offensive. In fact, I recall getting very upset at this remark a time or two. But, the older I get, the more I find this statement to be true. At least slightly true. And... I find that I have less cause to deny and more reasons to just embrace it. Now, when I say crazy I DO NOT mean in the stalk you outside your window, ranting and raving kind of way. What I mean is that sometimes I get so caught up in the world inside my head that it effects my reality.

Let me clarify again. I am not delusional and I am certain that I have just the one personality and identity. But... these expectations and ideas of mine get pretty lodged in to my brain and they settle right on in. So, should the actual events of my life not match what I had predetermined would and should happen then things get a little dicey. I start overanalyzing and overthinking, which leads to being overwhelmed and it is just too much.  On a good day, I can see, with clarity, the irrationality of all of this. And I sometimes even lay these ideas down and seek the the will of God. And still other times I find that I can not let go of my expectations. This is a horrible habit by the way. I do not recommend it.

I too easily fall in to the habit of second guessing. You know: "why did she say this?, "why didn't he do that?", "did he do this because he thinks this?" or "what if she said this but really meant that?". It is exhausting just typing it. And utterly ridiculous to boot. It is... CRAZY. It is me trying to make sense of a world that does not fit inside my box. It is me trying to guess the hows and whys of people and their actions. All this guess work leads to empty assumptions (and we all know what happens when one assumes) which lead to disappointments when those assumptions inevitably turn out to be FALSE.

Does anyone else feel me on this? Or am I the only one silly enough to admit I'm crazy? I have never liked the unknown. I prefer to have the facts laid out and to make an informed decision. It drive me nuts when I have to wait for someone else to decide because I can't make them choose and I can't make them hurry either. I am not saying these things are good. I can safely say that anything that leads to stress and anxiety is not a good strategy. I am a work in progress and I have agreed to spend this year learning how to relinquish control. I will learn to be a happy passenger and let others drive every once in a while. But, ultimately, I am going to default to the Lord more and to myself less.

Tis Better to Give...

You know how there are times when you hear something for the first time and then suddenly it is everywhere you look? Certainly it couldn't have always been there. I am keen, and observant, if it were floating around out there so loosely and unabashedly then I would have heard it long before now. Right?

OK, well this happened with the story called "The Gift of the Magi". Around here we watch a lot of Disney movies and specials. A few weeks ago, Disney started their holiday plug and now they shamelessly and mercilessly play all Christmas, all the time. I happened to catch a very special presentation of "Once Upon a Christmas", which is a collection of short story videos. One of which is a story about Mickey and Minnie trading presents called "Mickey and Minnie's Gift of the Magi". I thought the story was touching but I thought nothing more of it. Then, last week, Luke's MDO sent home a newsletter with a section dedicated to the retelling of "The Gift of the Magi". Weird. And then this week, on Glee, my Glee friends also referenced "The Gift of the Magi". Three times in as many weeks. I got the hint. So I looked up the story. And I was moved. Here is the Cliffs Notes version (in my words):

A young married couple are very much in love. They are excited about Christmas and the gifts they will get each other. The girl has long, beautiful hair that is her prized possession. The man has a pocket watch that has been in the family for ages. In essence, they both have this one thing that they cherish. Well, the young man gets a 30% salary decrease right before the holidays and the savings have gone dry. However, both still long to get their love the most meaningful present in the world to show their thanks and love and appreciation. The young wife wants to buy a chain for her husband's beloved watch. But to buy it, she must cut off her lovely hair to sell it to make wigs. She does this willingly. The husband has found his wife the most lovely tortoiseshell hair clips to adorn the hair she loves so much. But as payment, he has to sell his favorite heirloom, the pocket watch.

Both people sacrificed the thing the thing they valued for the one they valued most. It was a sacrifice gladly made. It was a selfless act that ended with both understanding the depths of the other's love. It was the gift that probably started, "it was the thought that counts". The actual gift was useless, but the thought was priceless.

I loved this story. It touched my heart. It is a time of recession and money is tight. I know this is true for me, but also for my family. And Christmas often turns in to how much to buy within what spending limit. I love that these two fictional people got it right. They bought their gifts with the motivation to show love and bought them with a price so selfless and sweet. This season is about the people you share it with, in person or in spirit.

So, I am sharing this story in case some one else out there hasn't heard it. But maybe I'm the only one. It does seem to be in the culture zeitgeist and I was too unaware to catch it before now. Anyway, let this story speak to you and move you.

Voice of Truth

It seems like it has been a while since I added my two sense on this
blog page, and I have missed it. Since my last post I have had so much
life happen. My schedule this semester keeps me moving and shaking and
without much time for anything that would be considered leisurely or
fun. Thankfully, my semester is nearly over and I can taste the fresh
air in my lungs that will come with getting to stop and breathe again.
It has been a long journey to becoming a teacher but the road is
becoming so much shorter and brighter. I have to remind myself to keep
on keeping on.

Other things have been happening as well. I have put my fragile heart
through the ringer. It has survived, but I do admit that it still
hurts. Opening yourself up to relationships and trusting others means
making yourself vulnerable and risking getting hurt and disappointed.
Is it better to guard your heart and never have it known? Or to open
it up and let someone all the way in? I don't know what is best but I
know that I am one of those latter people who lives with her heart on
her sleeve and her emotions on her face. So I tell you all that I have
been really sad. And mad. And hurt. This week I have been flirting
with anger and frustration. I have felt deep emotions in response to
being in uncomfortable waters and uncontrollable situations. This too
shall pass.

But then a crazy thing happened. I started to pray. And not for this
thing or that thing, but for God to just do His thing. I didn't want
direction but a revelation, of who He was and what He was making me to
be. In every persons life there are moments when we decide what to do
and be. We choose to be happy in pain, to rejoice in sadness, to keep
trying when it gets hard or to listen instead of talk. I have decided
to stop trying to force my will and be a willing participant of His
instead. Its going to happen anyway, so why fight it?

Lately, I have felt more of a peace about the things that are going on
inside and outside of me. I wouldn't say that I always love them, or
like them, but I have found a space where I can relax and let them
just be. Not looking for a way out but seeing what there is to see
within them and through them. I would say it has helped. I I want to
know what tomorrow brings and where it will take me. But I can't. I
just know where I am today and, if I am asking, where I am meant to be
today. If I focus on that, and take baby steps, then I will end up
exactly where I am meant to be.

These things I think I need, I don't. I always seem to get exactly
what I need. So if it isn't coming, its because I don't need it. At
least, not right now. This is a hard lesson. Especially for this type
A girl. But I am telling you this to say that I am feeling confident
in my future and the path I know I am on. I am meant to be here and I
sense it is leading me to something big and wonderful. Now I just need
to trust that and enjoy the process of getting from here to there. I'm
trying. Day by precious day. To be in THIS moment. Right now. Not
reliving yesterday or hoping for tomorrow but finding the treasures in
the present.

Listamania12.0

It is techinically Thanksgiving Day, and I am unable to sleep. Part of that reason is because I took a 3 hour nap today, and the other part is the fact that I can't stop thinking about everything I am thankful for. Thanksgiving is about expressing gratitude afterall. It is a day for food, fun and family. And it is a celebration of the good things in our life. I can think of know other more appropriate list, on this day of thanks giving, than a list of all the things I am thankful for today (in no particular order):

1) A son that I am over the moon for
2) Parents that love and support me no matter what
3) A sister that always has my back, even when I don't ask
4) A church home that feels like home
5) Old friends that still care what I am up to
6) New friends to fellowship and share life with
7) Best friends that know me so well that I don't have to pretend to be better than I am and they still love me
8)My relationship with Jesus that keeps growing and changing
9) Talents to use and a ministry to use them in
10) The healing of old wounds
11) The challenge of new wounds
12) Books to read and challenge my mind
13) A job that I really enjoy
14) An opportunity to go back to school and pursue a new dream
15) Family that I can celebrate life with
16) Music
17) Love
18) Hope
19) Joy in all things
20) and a peace that passes understanding

There is a lot to be thankful for. These are the highlights. If I went in to specifics we could be here all day. And that just wouldnt do because I have some sleep to get, some food to eat and some games to play. HAPPY THANKSGIVING one and all. Tell someone you know that you are thankful for them today.

Leaving the Kid's Table

So today was my 30th birthday and I was dreading it. It feels like a momentous milestone that should indicate that I am a "grown up". You know, 30 is the land of adults, where you have to leave that kid stuff behind. But the thing is I am still pretty much a kid in some areas. In some ways, I feel like I am growing in to a woman. I have more confidence, more boldness and more gumption than I did in my youth. I am more certain of what I want, more in tune with what I need and more aware of the difference. I care less about what people think than I used to, which turns out to be pretty freeing. Some things do get better with age. I will concede that. This year has taught me more about what it looks like to have character, devotion and faith. This year has shown me how to find joy in the small things, the hard things, the good things and the bad. I have learned how to take things day by day and to allow for mistakes in myself and others. I have learned what grace looks like and what hope feels like. It has been a great year. One that changed my life actually. The people I met this year have become my family. I can only pray that this upcoming year is a mere echo of the joy and peace I found this last year. I should consider myself blessed to have a fraction of the love and laughter I have had over the last year. For all of those who have seen me through this year, thank you from the bottom of my heart for loving the me I was and helping me become the me I am.

For this year, I would like to make some new resolutions. Hopefully, by my 31st birthday, I will have some huge successes and failures to share with everyone. Hopefully, it will have been a life truly lived. A year spent daring to love and dream. So, here are my meager wishes for my 30th year of life:

1) I will read a new book every month, and not just fiction.
2) I will finish school and find a teaching job
3) I will listen more than I talk
4) I will start a savings account and keep a budget
5) I will learn the guitar
6) I will spend less time watching TV
7) I will lose ten pounds
8) I will be jog at least 10 miles a week
9) I will drink more water, and less tea
10) I will have at least 20 scriptures memorized

I guess we will see what this new year holds. I am excited. If it is anything like last year, I can't wait.

Listamania 11.0 - the remix

Last year, I wrote a blog on my birthday and gave myself some resolutions. You can read the whole blog here: http://goreemom.blogspot.com/2009/11/and-many-more.html, or you can read the cliff's notes version below. I had been at the end of a long and draining year and I was attempting to start fresh and jump in to the deep end of new life. So here was my list:
1. Get better at remembering and acknowledging birthdays
2. Read a new book every month
3. Organize my photos
4. Get a teaching degree
5. Make at least one new girl friend
6. Give blood
7. Lose 10 pounds
8. Learn to french braid
9. Take my son on vacation
10. Start writing again

Monday will be my 30th birthday. Another year has come and gone. And while I am feeling older and wiser, I find it interesting to revisit this list and see where I have come in a year. These were the hopes, dreams and secret wishes of my heart at such a raw place in my life. What a great way to celebrate another year going by. I am so grateful that I experienced a year of movement and life, and not stagnation. I replaced mourning for dancing, weeping for laughing and loneliness with abundant fellowship. I grew in so very many ways. It was a year of finding myself, redefining myself and learning to enjoy myself again.
Looking at the list, I for sure did not do very well at #1, #6 or #8. I didn't even come close to those. Not only did I NOT do #3, but I managed to delete most of the pictures from this last year off of my laptop completely. Major fail.
But... on the flip side, I had some major successes this year too. I am one semester away from getting that teaching certification. I am busting my chops right now and wearing myself ragged to get this done, but it is getting done. And I am proud of that. I was blessed to take my son on two vacations this year, San Antonio and Cozumel. I am so thankful for the time, money and ability to get away and experience new wonders with my little guy. I lost those ten pounds and then twenty more on top of that. I started to write again, and did not stop. Well, maybe I took a few breaks here and there for life to happen but I kept letting those creative juices flow. I blogged, journaled and wrote poetry. It felt nice to put words to the fears, frustrations and desires of my life. And lastly, I did make that new girlfriend. And then I made a few more. I had prayed for fellowship for so long and after many lonely months I began to give up hope of being connected again. But then, I took that step of faith and God provided a church home, family and ministry. It has been a great year because of the people in CYS. They have loved me, accepted me, challenged me and held my hand through some tough times. I am a fuller, more confident and grateful girl because they met me where I was and allowed me to be me. And then they gave me a microphone and let me serve in the only way I know how.

I am blessed beyond measure. My life could not be fuller. Well, it could I guess. Technically. But if it never did, I would have more than I deserve forevermore. Friends. Family. Laughter. Fellowship. Love. Joy. Growth. Wisdom. Strength.... my cup runneth over, everyday.

Knowing that "No" is the way to go. Fo sho.

The other day I had to make a lesson plan on social skills for my class. We drew topics at random and mine was how to teach children to accept "no". There were some steps that they gave me that included looking someone in the eye, saying "okay" and asking questions later. Seems simple enough right? I have a 3 year old, folks, in my house "no" causes nuclear meltdowns and Oscar-worthy dramatics.  And, as it turns out, it doesn't get easier as an adult. Some of us adults are big babies when we don't get our way. I include myself in this pile. I may not throw myself on the stairs and stomp my foot but I have been known to do some pretty dramatic inner monologuing, ranting and even crying.

I have a funny story for you to drive this post home. Last week, after I picked the boy up from school, we were running errands and Luke informed me that he was "starbing" (this is a new word for him so he is "starbing" all the time). He saw a McDonalds out the window and politely asked to go to the store for some chicken nuggets and apples. Because we were headed to Wal Mart, which happens to have a McDonalds in it, I agreed. But when I turned at the light and did not head for the McDonalds he had his eye on, the tears started flowing.  I tried to explain that nuggets were forthcoming, but that we would get them in a different location. This did not do the trick. It had to be that McDonalds because that was the one he could see and therefore, it was the only one that existed.  It was only when we pulled in to the parking lot and the golden arches came in to view that he stopped crying long enough to exclaim, "ohhhh, they have nuggets here too." And the world made sense again.

Isn't that just like humans to get so narrowly focused on what we want? With limited knowledge comes the belief that what is in front of us, the tangible things in the here and now, are all there is.  I want what I can see out of my window. And I want it now, while it is still right in front of me. Because to me, out of sight= out of the realm of possibility. Opportunity missed. Chance lost.

Luke likes to cry when he doesn't get what he wants and he usually gets sent to the stairs for time out. We started this when he was little and he would get told that he had to sit on the stairs until he had calmed down and stopped crying. Now that he is 3, there are greater consequences to being defiant. Now he has an actual time out that is not dependent on whether there are tears or not. But he hasn't quite grasped this yet. He will shout from the stairs, "Mommy, I'm done crying" and expect to be let off the hook. Sometimes he magically stops crying on the way to the stairs or as my mouth says the word "stairs" and he hopes this will keep him from serving his time. But the punishment is for the attitude, not the emotion.

Why can't we get what we want? And why are the authorities in life denying us this joy? That never gets easier to understand. And neither does the fact that simply changing our attitude about it won't make it right. Just because we get strong and wipe our face, doesn't mean the answer becomes "yes". The answer is not dependent upon our reaction to it. I think it is funny that I am meant to teach children how to do this when I am failing at this myself. Maybe if I try looking God in the face, saying "okay" and asking questions later things will get easier for me. At the very least it might save me a trip to the stairs.