For You

I hope you don't mind that I am writing to you for all my blogger world to see. The truth is that I have found something with you that I want the world to bear witness to. I want as many people as possible to know how truly great you are in the eyes of this gal. I don't know what the future holds, how many moments you and I will get to share together. But what I know is that today, I get to be here, with you, experiencing something new and different and kind of magical. For someone who loves to plan and line her ducks up, I am falling in love with the idea that the promise of this day is enough. And I learned that from you. Rushing towards expectations sometimes means you miss out on the perfect moments of right now. And it is absolutely true that there is beauty too great to explain in the details of life. In the small, every day things, that pass us right by. So, for you I would like to say thank you, with the only tools I know to use... my words. Hear them, because they are the overflow of my heart.

Thank you,
for letting me be just me
no bells, no whistles and a dash of crazy.

Thank you,
for letting me speak my mind
for listening to the things said, and unsaid
and asking to hear just a little bit more.

Thank you,
for understanding that I am flawed and broken
but not damaged or less.

Thank you,
for a million smiles and laughs that lead me to joy
time and time again.

Resolve

As I was driving today I was thinking about my college years. Next year will be my ten year reunion from college and when I stop and think about that time I am hesitant to call it the best of my years. What I can say is that those years were marked by confidence, self discovery, acceptance and the pursuit of truth. I had very few cares and concerns and the ones I did have were easy and manageable. Since that time I have settled in to myself and have grown accustomed to the me that I am, sometimes even regretably so. In the not so distant past I saw a friend that I haven't spent much time with since college. After seeing this friend, I was told that he had noted that I seemed "hardened" by life. I don't think I can fully agree with that statement but I can say that life has made me wiser, stronger and more determined. The funnel through which I let things pass has grown smaller and my skill at maneuvering it much better. College was a time of paper rock scissor tournaments, late night Whataburger runs and wearing pajamas to class. Since that time my decisions have become tougher, my spectrum of expreiences much broader. I have watched friends deal with the loss of children, the loss of parents, the end of marriages, the uncertainty of emlpoyment and the aftermath of heartache. This past year was an exceptionally challenging one for me. I found myself facing losses and heartaches and disappointments that I was unprepared for. I was stretched as a mother, a friend, a woman and a Christian. I was asked to be there for people in ways that I didn't think I would be able to and to give when I thought I had nothing left in the tank. It was a year for raising bars, setting hopes, starting over, finding footing and facing reality. It was a good year but I think that somewhere along the way I lost myself a little bit. I forgot what was most important and settled for things that felt good and seemed right. I started taking some risks with my emotions and my heart. And in that process I learned that there is a fine balance between guarding your heart and wearing it on your sleeve. Even though I may not have found that balance yet, I know that I am getting closer to knowing what it looks like.

This year, I am looking to make new resolutions. I have deemed this my year of personal improvements. The aim is to be a healthier version of me - mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally. I want to get out of my comfort zone and get active and start moving. I want to feel better about myself and the attitude I present to others. I want to let go of the insecurities and the voices in the head that tell me I'm not enough or too much and just learn to be confident in who I am again. I want to worry less about the how's and why's of life and just accept that God has a plan that is perfect and has my good and His glory as the goal. I want to stop needing validation from others, stop expecting certain actions and words, stop asking what things mean and looking for the hidden meaning and just take things at face value. This year, my hope and prayer is that I can find peace and joy in ALL things and not just put on a happy face. I sense that God has me where He wants me and is on the verge of something big in my life. I am not where I thought I would be or where I had hoped I would be at this time last year. But I can say that I am also stronger. I am wiser. And I am ready to move forward. This post is a promise to myself to let it go and get out of the way of the bigger picture, the master plan, and to stop complaining and just enjoy the ride. Here's to a great year. Obstacles removed, joy returned, lessons learned, steps taken...

Steel Bars

STEEL BARS by: Jill Phillips

So this is how it feels at the rock bottom of despair
When the house I built comes crashing down
And this is how it feels when I know the man that I say I am
Is not the man that I am when no one's around
This is how it feels to come alive again
And start fighting back to gain control
And this is how it feels to let freedom in
And break these chains that enslave my soul

I refuse to be locked up in here like a prison cell
Where all I ever get is a meal and four walls
I used to be just fine in here but not anymore
Gonna break through these steel bars

So tell me how it feels when the tables start to turn
And you find yourself at the losing end
Tell me how it feels, you're not welcome here
'Cause I'm tired of pain and I'm tired of sin

I won't let you win
I have no doubt
I don't want you in
So get out, get out

That song was introduced to me as a freshman in college. And at the time it resonated with me because of the powerful lyrics about being set free. After all, that was what college was for me. It was a time of truly finding myself and feeling set free from the prison walls of myself and who people expected me to be. Needless to say, in my new found blissful naivety I embraced this song. And then, I forgot it.

This week, I was driving in my car and I was thinking about an idea for a blog and all of a sudden I remembered the words to this song. I couldn't remember the name of the song, or who sang it, but I let Google do it's magic and within minutes I was listening to the song again. It is ten years and a million life moments later and that song is still getting to me, but in a different sort of way.

Now when I hear it I don't think about freedom, I think about the prison cell and what it took to end up there. And that has got me thinking about some things. In my life, I have had dreams and expectations and hopes for my future. On occasion I have run full force towards these ideas, expending all my energy to overcome the odds and achieve that which is desired. Sometimes this has worked as beautifully and seamlessly as I intended and imagined. But sometimes the things I have wanted and pursued the most have led me to a place I never intended and would not have imagined. You see, for all my scheming and striving I sometimes forget to count the costs or to consider the bigger picture.

Sometimes I get an idea in my head that this one thing, or that one desire will bring me happiness and freedom beyond compare. And in that moment, nothing less will do. I want the best, as we all do, and when I think I've cornered the market on what is best then I set out to acquire it. However, there have been times when the attainment of my desires has led me away from freedom and inside my own steel bars. We can want something so badly that it becomes our focus, our obsession, or our addiction. And then once we get it, it traps us and makes us it's prisoner. This can happen so subtly that we deceive ourselves in to thinking we are still in control. After all, we pursued this beast, we wanted it. And we think, how could something so good be so bad for us.

But sometimes it just is. Sometimes the things that we think will make us happy, end up making us miserable. And sometimes the things we think will set us free, just trap us in to becoming the person we don't recognize.

I have been there. More times than I want to admit. I have been on the other side of steel bars, wondering what happened to my joy and my peace and how I ended up feeling trapped by sin and doubt and pain. And the answer is always that I put myself there by my relentless desire for control and happiness. And in pursuit of that I have abandoned the joy of the Lord, that peace that passes all understanding.

Here is what I know, there is freedom and joy and promises that are mine to own and to claim. And these things are wrapped up in a pursuit of the Lord, not in the pursuit of things, or people, or ideas. If I can respect that, and appreciate that truth then I will avoid becoming a prisoner to my own wants and desires. The truth will set you free. That is a fact. The hard part is knowing your truth and sticking to it and letting that process bring you the freedom and joy you seek in the face of easier and more accessible options.

To listen to the song, go here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JXlV4svITik

Leslie Enchanted

OK, here is a somewhat embarrassing confession: I want to be a Disney Princess. Anyone will do, I'm not too terribly picky (although, I'm somewhat partial to Belle). It isn't that I envy their money, or their titles, or their clothes or good looks. In fact, I could do without those things if I had the one thing they all have- a prince.

See, I'm not just talking about the fact that they met someone tall, dark and handsome (although that doesn't hurt, certainly). However, those things lose ranking precedence the more I find myself maturing in age. I suppose I am finding that there are plenty more important things than the size of his jeans, the thickness of his hair and the brand of his shoes. What I really want is romance, a full, hearty dose of it.There is nothing as romantic as the feeling of stability, security and dependability. If you can guarantee that those things will exist, forever and always, my love tank will remain perpetually full. If those things are my reality, that's the happiest ending I could hope for.

I think the more accurate thing to say is that I want the pursuit. Let me clarify that I do want a Prince, someday. Eventually. But I don't just want anyone. I want a Prince that will pursue me. Who will fight the dragon, climb the tower, travel far distances, and look like a fool for me. My heart has always wanted this kind of wanting. And deep down, or not so deep down, I believe every woman wants someone who is willing to fight to stand by her side and have her hand to hold. I admit that I have not found this yet. I was close on a few occasions, but not quite there. And at the time, I don't think I fully realized just how important the chase was for me. And not just the initial chase, but the continued chase. The one that says I got you and now I will do whatever it takes to keep you. I'm referring to the lifelong chase.

      

It is in this way that I am envious of the Disney Princess. Because they have a Prince who shows up, every time, and does what it takes to awaken her heart and make her his princess. Sometimes all this takes is one single kiss (Snow White), but sometimes it requires fighting an underwater octopus queen (Little Mermaid), or scouring a whole town for the one that got away (Cinderella) or learning how to be the best version of yourself (Beauty and the Beast).  This kind of love is what my heart longs for and I hope that one day that sort of prince will come. But, if not, I am confident that my story will still have a happy ending. My heart is spoken for no matter what, by One that never lets me down and always fights and intercedes on my behalf. And even I am learning how to fight for myself in this way. I am figuring out how to defend the things that I value about myself against the lies and tricks of those who try to steal it.

Music Monday #1 - G. DeGraw

Ok, I'm starting a new thing, Music Monday. I love music and it gets me through quite a bit. It always seems I can find a song that resonates with how I am thinking and feeling and I feel validated. And transformed. So, I want to share some of the gems that I love and the new stuff I've found. To start, I found this song by Gavin DeGraw called, Not Over You. It is the new single from his upcoming album, Sweeter. I know that Gavin DeGraw is old school and probably became uncool about the same time that One Tree Hill and the CW did. BUT, I love Gavin DeGraw music (and OTH too) and I'm excited about whats to come. So... here is the link to the new song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQDc3bhGQP8

And, since I feel this is my one forum to share Gavin music, here are two more songs that I like. One is Stay, from the album Free.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eM61MusOE7g

And the other is Glass, also from the album Free. I think this is an absolutely beautiful song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_0DxKDx2H4Q&feature=related

Ok, thats enough of the Gavin hour. Have a listen if you want, or just skip it altogether.

Turn, Turn, Turn

It has been a while since posted anything of substance on this blog. In these last few months I have been experiencing the extremes of my emotions. I have been to both incredible highs and seemingly unbearable lows and all the pit stops in between. While I wouldn't say that it has been one giant hay ride of excitement, I can say that it has led me here, smack dab in the place I am meant to be and I've come to grips with the fact that that is alright. It is just right enough I should say, because some days, to be honest, alright seems a bit less than hoped for and a bit more than I can handle.

You see, like many of you, I had something and I lost it. There are more details and feelings involved, but these are the gists. These are my simple truths. I had something that was important to me and for all the wanting and waiting and wondering that I reserved for it, it wasn't right. And in the end, I lost it. It left. And I was not the same. I felt broken and empty and utterly without. It was one of those things that felt absolutely right, but still one hundred percent sucky. Ever have one of those? I mean, I felt the suckiness down to my core and I was not happy about it. In fact, I spent a little bit of time being down right pissed off that I had to deal with disappointment, yet again. I was furious that the God I love and trust did not see fit to give me what I wanted this time. Because I was arrogant enough to think that I had been through enough, I had paid my dues and it was time that something good happened to me, something that I wanted and planned for. But that did not happen. I opened my hand to receive the gifts and walked away with it empty despite my prayers and despite my longings. That did not seem right. Or just. Or fair. So I got a serious case of the mopes. It was bad. And I do not feign pride at the thoughts and prayers of my heart at that time.

However, I got through it. The leaving happened in stages, it took it's sweet time with the final good bye but it did eventually leave. And the hole that once was became something different. I can't fully say that it is better yet, but I trust that we are on our way to that place. The truth is, that hole is still becoming. It has not achieved finality yet. But the weight is lifting. It is amazing how much freedom and unburdening accompany perspective and clarity.

This life, and the things in it, have seasons. Everything ebbs and flows, it wanes and waxes to become what it needs to be when the timing is right and the circumstances allow it. There is a rhyme and reason to these circumstances, but they are always changing. So what seems right today, may not be so right tomorrow. Those perfect fits, may turn out to be not so perfect down the road. I am experiencing a bit of that right now. Some relationships in my life are experiencing an evolution of seasons and I can not quite understand the hows and whys. What I know is that things are different and the level of my investment has changed as well. I find this fact unsettling because it is not a change that I want, at all. And I can not come to grasp with the feelings that this evolution is creating. I understand that friends come and go. I have had more than my share of friends who came, and were dearly loved, and then left, and were missed. I know it happens. And sometimes this feels completely natural and you ride it out and do what it takes to let it go and move on. But sometimes it does not and you fight it. And you hope that things will carry on as usual... for the foreseeable future. And maybe it will. But also, maybe it won't.

Things do eventually play themselves out. The movie ends, the CD restarts, the curtain closes, and we move on. Sometimes we outgrow the things we love and we have to find something that fits a little better with where we are at right now. If we are lucky, the things we really love find a way back to us, somehow. But I have a scrapbook (or two) filled with people and places that have cycled out and relegated themselves to wonderful memories, instead of current realities. And that is ok. I loved them when I had them, and I appreciate them for what they were to me.

I guess I am writing this somewhat confusing blog to try and understand my place in my life right now. I feel slightly lost and slightly askew in a time when I thought I knew where I was going and what I wanted. I am readjusting and reshuffling and I feel like I am losing some important things in that process. Things that I am afraid I won't get back. Things that I am not ready to give up without a fight. I know what will be will eventually be. And I am not arrogant enough to think I can change that. However, every season of life has its good and bad things, the perks and the pratfalls. While I sense that a new season is looming, I fins myself clinging to those things that are good and hoping that they can remain, a little while longer, so that I may enjoy them to the full.

Wait for It

I have much to say. And its been a while since I said it. But wait for it, because it is coming. And coming soon. Real soon.

Who's got the keys to the Jeep?

Has it really been a month since I last posted? Yikes. Where have I been? I have been fully immersed in the Christmas hoopla and the bliss of being in a new relationship. Well, an old/new relationship. It has been a wonderful holiday season and I have found myself jumping from joy to joy and smile to smile. But the holidays are now over. The trappings have been boxed up and stored away for another year. And life continues on.

Someone I know used to tell me that I was crazy. I used to think this was offensive. In fact, I recall getting very upset at this remark a time or two. But, the older I get, the more I find this statement to be true. At least slightly true. And... I find that I have less cause to deny and more reasons to just embrace it. Now, when I say crazy I DO NOT mean in the stalk you outside your window, ranting and raving kind of way. What I mean is that sometimes I get so caught up in the world inside my head that it effects my reality.

Let me clarify again. I am not delusional and I am certain that I have just the one personality and identity. But... these expectations and ideas of mine get pretty lodged in to my brain and they settle right on in. So, should the actual events of my life not match what I had predetermined would and should happen then things get a little dicey. I start overanalyzing and overthinking, which leads to being overwhelmed and it is just too much.  On a good day, I can see, with clarity, the irrationality of all of this. And I sometimes even lay these ideas down and seek the the will of God. And still other times I find that I can not let go of my expectations. This is a horrible habit by the way. I do not recommend it.

I too easily fall in to the habit of second guessing. You know: "why did she say this?, "why didn't he do that?", "did he do this because he thinks this?" or "what if she said this but really meant that?". It is exhausting just typing it. And utterly ridiculous to boot. It is... CRAZY. It is me trying to make sense of a world that does not fit inside my box. It is me trying to guess the hows and whys of people and their actions. All this guess work leads to empty assumptions (and we all know what happens when one assumes) which lead to disappointments when those assumptions inevitably turn out to be FALSE.

Does anyone else feel me on this? Or am I the only one silly enough to admit I'm crazy? I have never liked the unknown. I prefer to have the facts laid out and to make an informed decision. It drive me nuts when I have to wait for someone else to decide because I can't make them choose and I can't make them hurry either. I am not saying these things are good. I can safely say that anything that leads to stress and anxiety is not a good strategy. I am a work in progress and I have agreed to spend this year learning how to relinquish control. I will learn to be a happy passenger and let others drive every once in a while. But, ultimately, I am going to default to the Lord more and to myself less.

Tis Better to Give...

You know how there are times when you hear something for the first time and then suddenly it is everywhere you look? Certainly it couldn't have always been there. I am keen, and observant, if it were floating around out there so loosely and unabashedly then I would have heard it long before now. Right?

OK, well this happened with the story called "The Gift of the Magi". Around here we watch a lot of Disney movies and specials. A few weeks ago, Disney started their holiday plug and now they shamelessly and mercilessly play all Christmas, all the time. I happened to catch a very special presentation of "Once Upon a Christmas", which is a collection of short story videos. One of which is a story about Mickey and Minnie trading presents called "Mickey and Minnie's Gift of the Magi". I thought the story was touching but I thought nothing more of it. Then, last week, Luke's MDO sent home a newsletter with a section dedicated to the retelling of "The Gift of the Magi". Weird. And then this week, on Glee, my Glee friends also referenced "The Gift of the Magi". Three times in as many weeks. I got the hint. So I looked up the story. And I was moved. Here is the Cliffs Notes version (in my words):

A young married couple are very much in love. They are excited about Christmas and the gifts they will get each other. The girl has long, beautiful hair that is her prized possession. The man has a pocket watch that has been in the family for ages. In essence, they both have this one thing that they cherish. Well, the young man gets a 30% salary decrease right before the holidays and the savings have gone dry. However, both still long to get their love the most meaningful present in the world to show their thanks and love and appreciation. The young wife wants to buy a chain for her husband's beloved watch. But to buy it, she must cut off her lovely hair to sell it to make wigs. She does this willingly. The husband has found his wife the most lovely tortoiseshell hair clips to adorn the hair she loves so much. But as payment, he has to sell his favorite heirloom, the pocket watch.

Both people sacrificed the thing the thing they valued for the one they valued most. It was a sacrifice gladly made. It was a selfless act that ended with both understanding the depths of the other's love. It was the gift that probably started, "it was the thought that counts". The actual gift was useless, but the thought was priceless.

I loved this story. It touched my heart. It is a time of recession and money is tight. I know this is true for me, but also for my family. And Christmas often turns in to how much to buy within what spending limit. I love that these two fictional people got it right. They bought their gifts with the motivation to show love and bought them with a price so selfless and sweet. This season is about the people you share it with, in person or in spirit.

So, I am sharing this story in case some one else out there hasn't heard it. But maybe I'm the only one. It does seem to be in the culture zeitgeist and I was too unaware to catch it before now. Anyway, let this story speak to you and move you.

Voice of Truth

It seems like it has been a while since I added my two sense on this
blog page, and I have missed it. Since my last post I have had so much
life happen. My schedule this semester keeps me moving and shaking and
without much time for anything that would be considered leisurely or
fun. Thankfully, my semester is nearly over and I can taste the fresh
air in my lungs that will come with getting to stop and breathe again.
It has been a long journey to becoming a teacher but the road is
becoming so much shorter and brighter. I have to remind myself to keep
on keeping on.

Other things have been happening as well. I have put my fragile heart
through the ringer. It has survived, but I do admit that it still
hurts. Opening yourself up to relationships and trusting others means
making yourself vulnerable and risking getting hurt and disappointed.
Is it better to guard your heart and never have it known? Or to open
it up and let someone all the way in? I don't know what is best but I
know that I am one of those latter people who lives with her heart on
her sleeve and her emotions on her face. So I tell you all that I have
been really sad. And mad. And hurt. This week I have been flirting
with anger and frustration. I have felt deep emotions in response to
being in uncomfortable waters and uncontrollable situations. This too
shall pass.

But then a crazy thing happened. I started to pray. And not for this
thing or that thing, but for God to just do His thing. I didn't want
direction but a revelation, of who He was and what He was making me to
be. In every persons life there are moments when we decide what to do
and be. We choose to be happy in pain, to rejoice in sadness, to keep
trying when it gets hard or to listen instead of talk. I have decided
to stop trying to force my will and be a willing participant of His
instead. Its going to happen anyway, so why fight it?

Lately, I have felt more of a peace about the things that are going on
inside and outside of me. I wouldn't say that I always love them, or
like them, but I have found a space where I can relax and let them
just be. Not looking for a way out but seeing what there is to see
within them and through them. I would say it has helped. I I want to
know what tomorrow brings and where it will take me. But I can't. I
just know where I am today and, if I am asking, where I am meant to be
today. If I focus on that, and take baby steps, then I will end up
exactly where I am meant to be.

These things I think I need, I don't. I always seem to get exactly
what I need. So if it isn't coming, its because I don't need it. At
least, not right now. This is a hard lesson. Especially for this type
A girl. But I am telling you this to say that I am feeling confident
in my future and the path I know I am on. I am meant to be here and I
sense it is leading me to something big and wonderful. Now I just need
to trust that and enjoy the process of getting from here to there. I'm
trying. Day by precious day. To be in THIS moment. Right now. Not
reliving yesterday or hoping for tomorrow but finding the treasures in
the present.

Listamania12.0

It is techinically Thanksgiving Day, and I am unable to sleep. Part of that reason is because I took a 3 hour nap today, and the other part is the fact that I can't stop thinking about everything I am thankful for. Thanksgiving is about expressing gratitude afterall. It is a day for food, fun and family. And it is a celebration of the good things in our life. I can think of know other more appropriate list, on this day of thanks giving, than a list of all the things I am thankful for today (in no particular order):

1) A son that I am over the moon for
2) Parents that love and support me no matter what
3) A sister that always has my back, even when I don't ask
4) A church home that feels like home
5) Old friends that still care what I am up to
6) New friends to fellowship and share life with
7) Best friends that know me so well that I don't have to pretend to be better than I am and they still love me
8)My relationship with Jesus that keeps growing and changing
9) Talents to use and a ministry to use them in
10) The healing of old wounds
11) The challenge of new wounds
12) Books to read and challenge my mind
13) A job that I really enjoy
14) An opportunity to go back to school and pursue a new dream
15) Family that I can celebrate life with
16) Music
17) Love
18) Hope
19) Joy in all things
20) and a peace that passes understanding

There is a lot to be thankful for. These are the highlights. If I went in to specifics we could be here all day. And that just wouldnt do because I have some sleep to get, some food to eat and some games to play. HAPPY THANKSGIVING one and all. Tell someone you know that you are thankful for them today.

Leaving the Kid's Table

So today was my 30th birthday and I was dreading it. It feels like a momentous milestone that should indicate that I am a "grown up". You know, 30 is the land of adults, where you have to leave that kid stuff behind. But the thing is I am still pretty much a kid in some areas. In some ways, I feel like I am growing in to a woman. I have more confidence, more boldness and more gumption than I did in my youth. I am more certain of what I want, more in tune with what I need and more aware of the difference. I care less about what people think than I used to, which turns out to be pretty freeing. Some things do get better with age. I will concede that. This year has taught me more about what it looks like to have character, devotion and faith. This year has shown me how to find joy in the small things, the hard things, the good things and the bad. I have learned how to take things day by day and to allow for mistakes in myself and others. I have learned what grace looks like and what hope feels like. It has been a great year. One that changed my life actually. The people I met this year have become my family. I can only pray that this upcoming year is a mere echo of the joy and peace I found this last year. I should consider myself blessed to have a fraction of the love and laughter I have had over the last year. For all of those who have seen me through this year, thank you from the bottom of my heart for loving the me I was and helping me become the me I am.

For this year, I would like to make some new resolutions. Hopefully, by my 31st birthday, I will have some huge successes and failures to share with everyone. Hopefully, it will have been a life truly lived. A year spent daring to love and dream. So, here are my meager wishes for my 30th year of life:

1) I will read a new book every month, and not just fiction.
2) I will finish school and find a teaching job
3) I will listen more than I talk
4) I will start a savings account and keep a budget
5) I will learn the guitar
6) I will spend less time watching TV
7) I will lose ten pounds
8) I will be jog at least 10 miles a week
9) I will drink more water, and less tea
10) I will have at least 20 scriptures memorized

I guess we will see what this new year holds. I am excited. If it is anything like last year, I can't wait.

Listamania 11.0 - the remix

Last year, I wrote a blog on my birthday and gave myself some resolutions. You can read the whole blog here: http://goreemom.blogspot.com/2009/11/and-many-more.html, or you can read the cliff's notes version below. I had been at the end of a long and draining year and I was attempting to start fresh and jump in to the deep end of new life. So here was my list:
1. Get better at remembering and acknowledging birthdays
2. Read a new book every month
3. Organize my photos
4. Get a teaching degree
5. Make at least one new girl friend
6. Give blood
7. Lose 10 pounds
8. Learn to french braid
9. Take my son on vacation
10. Start writing again

Monday will be my 30th birthday. Another year has come and gone. And while I am feeling older and wiser, I find it interesting to revisit this list and see where I have come in a year. These were the hopes, dreams and secret wishes of my heart at such a raw place in my life. What a great way to celebrate another year going by. I am so grateful that I experienced a year of movement and life, and not stagnation. I replaced mourning for dancing, weeping for laughing and loneliness with abundant fellowship. I grew in so very many ways. It was a year of finding myself, redefining myself and learning to enjoy myself again.
Looking at the list, I for sure did not do very well at #1, #6 or #8. I didn't even come close to those. Not only did I NOT do #3, but I managed to delete most of the pictures from this last year off of my laptop completely. Major fail.
But... on the flip side, I had some major successes this year too. I am one semester away from getting that teaching certification. I am busting my chops right now and wearing myself ragged to get this done, but it is getting done. And I am proud of that. I was blessed to take my son on two vacations this year, San Antonio and Cozumel. I am so thankful for the time, money and ability to get away and experience new wonders with my little guy. I lost those ten pounds and then twenty more on top of that. I started to write again, and did not stop. Well, maybe I took a few breaks here and there for life to happen but I kept letting those creative juices flow. I blogged, journaled and wrote poetry. It felt nice to put words to the fears, frustrations and desires of my life. And lastly, I did make that new girlfriend. And then I made a few more. I had prayed for fellowship for so long and after many lonely months I began to give up hope of being connected again. But then, I took that step of faith and God provided a church home, family and ministry. It has been a great year because of the people in CYS. They have loved me, accepted me, challenged me and held my hand through some tough times. I am a fuller, more confident and grateful girl because they met me where I was and allowed me to be me. And then they gave me a microphone and let me serve in the only way I know how.

I am blessed beyond measure. My life could not be fuller. Well, it could I guess. Technically. But if it never did, I would have more than I deserve forevermore. Friends. Family. Laughter. Fellowship. Love. Joy. Growth. Wisdom. Strength.... my cup runneth over, everyday.

Knowing that "No" is the way to go. Fo sho.

The other day I had to make a lesson plan on social skills for my class. We drew topics at random and mine was how to teach children to accept "no". There were some steps that they gave me that included looking someone in the eye, saying "okay" and asking questions later. Seems simple enough right? I have a 3 year old, folks, in my house "no" causes nuclear meltdowns and Oscar-worthy dramatics.  And, as it turns out, it doesn't get easier as an adult. Some of us adults are big babies when we don't get our way. I include myself in this pile. I may not throw myself on the stairs and stomp my foot but I have been known to do some pretty dramatic inner monologuing, ranting and even crying.

I have a funny story for you to drive this post home. Last week, after I picked the boy up from school, we were running errands and Luke informed me that he was "starbing" (this is a new word for him so he is "starbing" all the time). He saw a McDonalds out the window and politely asked to go to the store for some chicken nuggets and apples. Because we were headed to Wal Mart, which happens to have a McDonalds in it, I agreed. But when I turned at the light and did not head for the McDonalds he had his eye on, the tears started flowing.  I tried to explain that nuggets were forthcoming, but that we would get them in a different location. This did not do the trick. It had to be that McDonalds because that was the one he could see and therefore, it was the only one that existed.  It was only when we pulled in to the parking lot and the golden arches came in to view that he stopped crying long enough to exclaim, "ohhhh, they have nuggets here too." And the world made sense again.

Isn't that just like humans to get so narrowly focused on what we want? With limited knowledge comes the belief that what is in front of us, the tangible things in the here and now, are all there is.  I want what I can see out of my window. And I want it now, while it is still right in front of me. Because to me, out of sight= out of the realm of possibility. Opportunity missed. Chance lost.

Luke likes to cry when he doesn't get what he wants and he usually gets sent to the stairs for time out. We started this when he was little and he would get told that he had to sit on the stairs until he had calmed down and stopped crying. Now that he is 3, there are greater consequences to being defiant. Now he has an actual time out that is not dependent on whether there are tears or not. But he hasn't quite grasped this yet. He will shout from the stairs, "Mommy, I'm done crying" and expect to be let off the hook. Sometimes he magically stops crying on the way to the stairs or as my mouth says the word "stairs" and he hopes this will keep him from serving his time. But the punishment is for the attitude, not the emotion.

Why can't we get what we want? And why are the authorities in life denying us this joy? That never gets easier to understand. And neither does the fact that simply changing our attitude about it won't make it right. Just because we get strong and wipe our face, doesn't mean the answer becomes "yes". The answer is not dependent upon our reaction to it. I think it is funny that I am meant to teach children how to do this when I am failing at this myself. Maybe if I try looking God in the face, saying "okay" and asking questions later things will get easier for me. At the very least it might save me a trip to the stairs.

Back to Life, Back to Reality

I feel like I just got slapped in the face. And man, did I need it. It was high time for me to snap out of that funk that I've been existing in. It was a necessary process, but it was made a shade harder by my constant resistance to it. Its not that I enjoyed being sad and irritable and sensitive. I for sure did not. But maybe I didn't let myself move through the healing process because healing meant moving forward and I wasn't quite ready to do that yet. The spot I was in meant something to me. It had been my feel good place for so long that I was hesitant to leave it.
My hands are relatively small. In fact, some have even made fun of how small they are. But, it is amazing how firm my grasp can be when I am holding on to the things that matter to me. Control is something that defines many of my actions and thoughts. I spend a great deal of time trying to keep things in order and manageable. This includes my feelings, my plans and my expectations. The feeling of being out of control scares me and sometimes leaves me debilitated. But lately, I have been learning that there is so much more life than what I can fit in my little hand. And I am also wrestling with the idea that while the hand may be mine, the things inside it are not. My life is filled with the gifts and blessings of the Father. They have been entrusted to me to use as He sees fit.
Sometimes this means I get to keep, use and enjoy them. At other times, this means that I have to give them back before I am ready. My initial reaction is to whine about the injustice of having to give away something I love. But what I fail to see is that the true injustice is not giving the appropriate amount of gratitude to the giver. There are many reasons why God takes things away: to teach us something new about ourselves, to prepare us for what comes next, to remind us to focus on the giver and not the gift or things that our minds can not even fathom. I believe that God is leading me towards something great and in this period of want He is showing me how to be grateful and that He is still good.
I am smiling again because I know that the truth has set me free. And that truth is that NO MATTER WHAT, I will be ok. And not because I am awesome, or because I am strong. But because I am faithful. And because I believe. Not in myself, not in my circumstances, but in the fact that God is completing me. Still. It is an ongoing process that does not end with this storm. This storm is merely another lesson in how to trust in, cling to and rely on Him. And I obviously need those lessons because I haven't learned them yet.
When I stopped waiting for the answer I wanted and accepted the one I had been given, I was able to trade my sorrow for joy. Not necessarily in the joy that comes from getting what I want, but from the joy that comes from knowing I have all that I need. The answer I want to hear, is not my reality today. I have to choose and decide based on the facts that are true today. I can not let these chances for obedience and trust to pass me by because I am waiting for a different answer. That answer may never come. Or it may be around the corner. And while my heart may hope for things and my spirit may desire certain outcomes, my delight has to come from what God is doing RIGHT NOW, in this circumstance.
I feel pretty certain that God is leading me through this wilderness in to a Promise Land and that this is a time meant for obedience, trust and faith. And while I may not enjoy my time in this desert, I know that He leads me and provides for me here. I can trust that all of this wandering will eventually lead me to the place where I am meant to be. The place He has set aside for me.
My heaviness has not ceased, but that yoke has become considerably lighter because my focus has shifted away from my situation and towards what I need to be learning in and through it.

Trees of Life are Blooming (and Your Word Plants the Seed)

This was a pretty good day. Looks like there is still some life in me yet. Just kidding. All dramatics aside, I am feeling like maybe I have finally stopped rowing against the wind today. Not to say that my emotions aren't still there, because they surely are. It's just that today I feel that they are more contained. And I like that. I will take what I can get.

Someone recently asked if I was forfeiting what I need because I the fear of letting go was greater than the trust I have in God (that was a paraphrase). I had wanted to say no, surely not. It would be absolutely absurd for me to not trust God. And yet, that person was exactly right. I wear myself out trying to hold on to the things that matter to me. That control freak in me just cannot bare the unknown. And she absolutely can't stand "wait and see". I am a planner and an organizer and that is just who I am. But I am learning, quickly, that this part of me screams SELFISH. This piece of me needs a serious talking to. And believe me, several people have tried recently.

Throughout my life I have tried to make things go my way. I have had some small victories, but when it really counts I rarely succeed. Usually, I am in way over my head. The thing is, it is hard for me to trust and let go and ride out the storm. The planner in me starts demanding back up plans and safety procedures, anything to decrease the damage. How completely silly to think that I can God-proof my life. Really, who do I think I am? I will tell you, I think that I am Right.

But this week, I am learning that sometimes "disasters" come when we are least prepared and most unaware. They even come despite our plans and precautions. However, our preacher said a few weeks ago, if you have a plan B, you aren't trusting God. So true. So very very true. This path I am on will lead to something pretty great. I trust that. It may be dark and scary right now but it is leading to something wonderful. I have an idea of what I want God to do and where I hope He leads me. But, EVEN IF HE DOESN'T, He is still good. And even if His path forks to the left, when I'd rather go right, I will stay the course. I will not labor in vain.

It took me a few days to release my grip on my plans and expectations for the future. In fact, my knuckles are still sore from the effort. But...and this is a big but... I do trust that the things of God cannot be stopped. I do know that His ways are higher than my ways. Surely He has this thing figured out. I am learning to open my tiny hand and return God's gifts to Him. They were never really mine anyway.

Jesus, thank You for the gifts You give and for the things You take away.

Thank You for the daily bread You've given me today.

Jesus, thank You for dancing and the joy that it brings

Thank You also for the mourning and the not so pleasant things

Jesus, thank You for the cloud by day and the fire in the night

Thank You that the darkness helps me see Your light

Jesus, thank You for the trials and the character they bring

Thank You that in this jail cell I have a song to sing

Jesus, thank You for my ashes and for my weakness too

Thank You that my delight comes only in trusting You

photo taken from a friend without their permission. sorry, friend. (not really) 

Listamania 10.0 - silver lining edition

Ok, this is the antithesis to the other Listamania I wrote (for those who are interested, it is the black cloud edition). That version is better suited for those who like a little gloom in their day. But don't worry, I am an equal opportunity feeler and while I may be feeling a little low this week, I tend towards the glass-half-full side of life. So even now, I find it necessary to note the issue, but not dwell on it.

In that regard, I wrote two Listamanias this week. One to feed both sides of me, where I am and where I want to be. You see, the week was not so great. But within that week there has been much greatness. And much more to come, I should add. This weekend I am headed to Georgetown to attend a birthday party, in my honor. My dear sweet friends are throwing me the party of my dreams. It is an 80's themed party to kick off my 30's. Costumes are required so I am definitely looking forward to seeing my friends in their totally rad outfits. This party is my silver lining and it hasn't even happened yet. But I have tried on my costume a few times and that single act alone makes me feel a few shades brighter - all that neon, I guess. So, in tribute and anticipation of the party, I present Listmania 10 - my favorite 80's movies - in order.

1. Breakfast Club -

2. Footloose -

3. Dirty Dancing -

4.Goonies -
5. Back to the Future
6. Ferris Bueller's Day Off
7. Ghostbusters
8. Sixteen Candles

9. Top Gun

10. Pretty in Pink

honorable mention for:
Steel Magnolias
E.T.
The Legend of Billy Jean

Listamania 10.0 - black cloud edition

So, this week has been pretty rough for me. I am still dealing with some changes in my life and finding that it is not as easy as I had hoped it would be. Of course, I think my stressful work and school schedule and the fact that I am perpetually tired and moving may be adding to this. I would venture to say that I am "getting through" things. Although, not as gracefully as I would have hoped. This is the place for honesty so I will just say it. I have cried a lot, analyzed a lot and basically felt like a weak and silly basket case. When I think on how I would like to be handling this situation, none of those adjectives show up. After all, it is just a break up. They happen to thousands of people, everyday. But this is happening to me and, thankfully, it doesn't happen everyday. I feel like a great big downer by writing this dreadful blog today. However, this is how I process and I could use some mental exhaling.
As a social worker, I took a class in college called Death and Dying. I know, sounds like a hoot, right? In that class, we learned about the 5 stages of grief. Although intended for people who are facing their own death, the list is generally seen as applicable to any crisis or event in ones life that produces the sense of loss. Now, I am in no way trying to say that my situation is anywhere near the vicinity of being like death. But it is a loss none the less. That sounds a bit dramatic, but it is true. If I did not consider it as such then I shouldn't have been in the relationship to begin with. So, today's Listamania consists of the 5 stages. I include this list because I find it helpful to understand the things I am thinking and feeling in this context. It makes me feel less like a basket case.

1. Denial

2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance


Who feels better? Gosh, what a serious downer of a post. I debated writing this but then thought, if it helped me then maybe it will help someone else. I need to tell you that I am fine. Currently. I may be wrestling through the technicalities, but I am at least working my way through. No need to worry about me. I may be presenting myself as damaged and destroyed. But I am neither of these things. I am just a girl with emotions and a blog. So... bear with me, all. Wait for that upswing, because it will come. I want it to come. I wait and welcome it.

Fall-ing in love with vegetables

 Now, look at this picture. I know exactly what you are thinking: "isn't that the sweetest little boy you have ever seen? ". Thank you. And the answer is yes. This picture is one of my favorites from this Halloween season. It was harder to capture and thus appreciated even more for the effort it took to achieve. So, lets take in the picture for a minute. The wonderful scenery, the fall colors, the handsome boy. But wait, what is he holding in his hands? Are those balls? Are they rocks or toys? The answer, my friends, is that he is holding Bob and Larry, from Veggie Tales. Maybe you pictured Bob and Larry to look something like this: 

And you would be correct. This is the standard representation of Bob and Larry. But at our house, we go by the Luke version. And that version consists of two smallish forms of play-doh, loosely rolled and shaped in to a ball and an oval. One is red, the other is green, and voila! you have Larry and Bob. I don't remember where the idea came from but one day the play-doh veggies were formed and for three days thereafter, they were all we heard about in our house. Bob and Larry went everywhere. They went to the grocery store, to the park and even to the bathtub, where they did not go in (because they can't swim, duh). We went through about 4 sets of Larry and Bob figures because they kept drying out and cracking and would not retain their shape. So, naturally, Bob and Larry also came to the pumpkin patch with us after school one day.

Like a snap happy mom I was posing and primping Luke for his photos. We had left the veggies on the hood of the car for the first few shots but had to quickly retrieve them once Luke remembered where they were. From then on they were permanent fixtures in the events. At one point Luke even carefully placed them on a pumpkin and asked me to take their picture.

Towards the end of the session, I was told that Larry and Bob wanted to ride in the wagon.

After the initial laughter, those of us in the house began to question the normalcy of this. It seemed strange for a child to create these rudimentary figures and then carry them around with him all day. Also, he slept with them. Yeah, I forgot that part. He slept with Larry and Bob in his hands. So weird. Right?

I understand developing a connection and an attachment to something and wanting to maintain that connection at all times. I understand the idea of wanting to keep the important things close to you. And thankfully this obsession was forgotten after the weekend and has not yet resurfaced. This week we have all we can handle with Halloween goodies and treats. But I am a bit nervous to pull out the play-doh again and have mini-veggies ruling our lives once more. Can someone tell me that this happened to them too? Or their children? Or someone they knew? I am curious as to how "normal" all of this really is.

I Get Knocked Down (but I get up again)

Ok. It has been a while since I did an actual post, and not a Listamania. But, because my misery loves verbiage, I now find myself with reason to write. A few months ago, I did something really great. I opened my heart up again to the idea of love and I entered in to a relationship. It was my first time since the divorce and I was cautiously optimistic. I felt really great about it. And I was happy. But, as these things sometimes do, it ended. The end was unforeseen and unprepared for, but still it came. Very recently, I found myself at the end of something that I was profoundly proud of. My heart is limping towards acceptance as we speak. But, I am not broken and I am not crushed. I may be slightly bruised, but better for the trouble. You see, while I may not like where it led me, the most important part was the journey. I felt things I had not felt in a long time. I trusted and laughed and shared life with someone in a way that felt truly spectacular. And it was a connection that I will forever be grateful for because it taught me what it looks like to have God in a relationship. This person will always be in my heart for encouraging, supporting and serving me in a way that helped me understand Christian love more fully.

Break ups are always hard. I have never had one that wasn't. But I can honestly say that I feel truly blessed in the midst of my mending. I had real feelings, great conversations and a ton of fun. How refreshing to be in that space again, if only for a bit. Through this I learned that it is ok to open up and let people in again. Actually, it is better than ok. Life is about taking chances and stepping out in faith. Part of that is risking pain for the opportunity to find something remarkable. Does it always happen? No. But it is almost always worth the shot. I am sad to see this chapter closing. But if I have learned nothing else in my short life, I have learned that God gives and takes away. He wounds and He heals. But He is also the same yesterday, today and forever. God never lets go. He will sustain me through the wilderness of life and lead me to lie down in green pastures. He is always good. These are my truths. It has taken me a while to collect them. But they have never failed me. And I do not expect them to start now. I am rejoicing in this chance to trust God and show my faith in His ways.

I want to share a poem I wrote about breaking up. It was written many, many years ago - in a whole different phase of my life. I don't know why I want to share this, since it has nothing to do with the person or circumstance I referred to in this post. But it somehow seemed fitting for today.

Oh what I would give for one more chance

to see the magic in your glance

right before you kissed my lips

with my hair around your fingertips.

What wouldn't I do for a final embrace?

That look of perfection upon your face.

As you hold my hand and catch my eye,

right before you say "good-bye".

A spoken truth of yet to comes,

implying that we're not yet done.

Yet, all to soon I begin to see

the brutal truth of this reality.

Try as I may to plan and to scheme

your mind is already on other things. 

I'm not the object of your affection

but you have granted me this one reflection:

no matter the state our relationship is in

you will always consider me a very dear friend.

I guess this friendship will have to suffice

and my wounded heart will pay the price. 

As much as I'd like to have your heart

being your friend is the perfect start.