Making the Grade

A couple of things have been happening recently that have me in some serious deep-thought moments. In my Christian walk, I have found that when it rains it pours. And by that I mean, when God finds an opportunity to teach me a lesson (as in, I am ready to receive it), He goes overboard on the visual aides. Now, granted, I can be a bit thick-headed and stubborn, so perhaps the added emphasis is necessary. But sometimes it just feels like being kicked in the spiritual gut.

Lately, I have been getting bombarded with lessons on gossip and approval. I have a lot to say about gossiping (pun intended), so I will save that for a later post. But the other thing, this need for approval, has been a life-long struggle that continues to rise and subside in my life. It is no secret that I am a people- PLEASER. It is a need (not a want) for the people I care about to find my actions both good and pleasing. It's not so much that I need people to like me, it's more about the fact that I need the people that I like to like what I do. So, as a child, it was more upsetting for me to have my parents say, "I'm disappointed", than it was to be grounded or punished.

Because of this need to please, I have occasionally let what others think, or feel, about me dictate my own emotional and mental state. I will give you a perfect example: last Saturday, some girl friends of mine went and wrapped the house of our guy friend who was having a guys night at his house. It was absolutely enjoyable until I was led to believe that people were angry and disappointed. I was henceforth crippled with worry and anxiety that my friends were now seeing me in a negative light. And this worry consumed me and transformed this night of fellowship into an anxiety-fest that ended in tears. Why? Why did I care so much about pleasing that I drained the joy out of an otherwise delightful evening?

Looking inside myself, I think it is because I am a person who cares deeply about people. And when I find that someone has earned my respect it becomes essential that I earn theirs in return. I like balance and order and I need to know that the scales are even. I need to know that the people I call dear hold me to the same esteem that I hold them in. It is a tall order. And maybe a somewhat unrealistic expectation. And hidden beneath that expectation is a fear, of not being enough. It is a very real fear with some extremely deep roots. It comes from times in my life when I didn't make the team, when the guy didn't like me back, when the guy liked me enough to kiss me but not enough to date me, when I studied and failed a test, when I put everything in to a work project and was still criticized, and when I did my best to create a home and it seemed he didn't want to come home to it. These efforts, the moments when I opened up to possibility and gave it my everything (and sometimes a bit more), seemed futile because they weren't enough to get me to my goal. No matter what the actual reason, these losses translated into failure due to not being enough: talented enough, pretty enough, worthy enough, smart enough, or loving enough. In the moment, these hurts were fierce and they confirmed the lies I told myself about needing to try harder and be more. It took some time and maturity to let most of this go and to get to the point where a loss can be placed in the proper context. But sometimes I still struggle with the temptation to make mountains out of mole-hills when it comes to letting people down.

I know you can't please everyone all the time. But I still want to. I still want to prove to them, and myself, that I am enough. I want them to see the enough-ness in me and for them to recognize it through my obvious flaws. And I think I need this, because I need it for myself. I tend to give myself a very hard time when it comes to falling. My initial response is to see it as failure, when I know that it is just trial and error. Life is a process of making mistakes, correcting them and learning from them. I do know this. And I know that I am more than enough in Christ and that He has set me free from condemnation (even my own). I have found peace in who I am in Christ and truly feel that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. But I am also human, and I have fears and insecurities just like everyone else. My hope is that by putting a name and a face to this fear that I can lessen it's presence in my life and start recognizing to for the thing that I know it is.

So, all of this gobbelty gook is meant to say that I am being taught to seek the approval of God, rather than man. This is a hard lesson that is fighting against some long-standing defenses and fears. But in the end, God will prevail and in this weakness I will be made strong.

a lesson on bravery, not brevity

Today, I want to talk about the word BRAVE. When I think of this word I imagine super-heroes and people defying all odds. It seems such a huge word to try and fill. If this were a word association game and you said "brave", I would respond with "soldier", "martyr" or "high school teacher". At least, this is what I would have said if I hadn't really tried to wrap my brain around the word. And so it was with the word "brave".

In recent years I have seen bravery in the most amazing places. When my best friend chose to carry her unborn child even when the odds weren't good, when my friends said goodbye to their husbands as they were deployed yet again, when a friends mother fought her cancer in unconventional ways, when my brother-in-law chased some kids down the street to film a drug deal, when my friend quit her job on faith that she would get another one, when another friend said yes to move to Singapore to do God's work, when my son jumps through the air knowing that someone will surely catch him, and when my dad left a good job to start his own company from scratch. These are just a few examples and there are so many more. To me, bravery is stepping out into the world of possibility without the safety net of knowledge. It is letting go and diving in without the slightest idea of how things are going to turn out and just facing what lies ahead.


I will admit that I am not really very brave. I am fairly trusting, which is a somewhat bravery of its own, but not risky. In fact, I tease a friend of mine about living in a box, but my life is as cardboard as it comes. Except for one area, words. Words are my weapon of choice. I feel most confident when I can talk my way through something or when I am afforded the opportunity to explain myself. Maybe this is why I hold honesty in such high regard. And not just honesty, but vulnerable honesty. This is the most admirable thing to me - when someone speaks out of love or conviction not knowing what the response might be.

This week I rolled some dice of my own and I spoke truth with a friend that I truly respect. I spent days perfecting the speech in my head, because I wanted it to be the exact representation of my heart and I wanted it to be genuine and to the point. It was a gamble for me, and an uneasy time of questioning and doubting. And in the end, it did not happen the way I thought it would happen or go the way I thought it would go - but it happened all the same.

Before I finish that story I want to share this side note, in my marriage I endured moments of great heartache and great joy. And when that relationship ended I was wounded and broken. I felt I had lost my voice and my spark - I was a diluted version of myself. And I decided it was better to hide away and heal. I went to my Sunday school class but I didn't engage and I refused to open up because I was afraid to let people in. I was afraid to let them see how hurt and alone I was and I didn't want them to see the scars I was carrying from another life and another person I was letting go of. I was afraid that I would be seen as damaged goods. But with great care, I opened those doors and let the life back in and slowly I welcomed vulnerability. And with this came friendships. I let people into my life again and I allowed them to see the good, and eventually the bad. And when that happened, I found that I had things to offer again. I found that I had value and worth. It was nice to be seen again. And through this process I let people in to my life that truly started to mean something to me.

Back to the story, I felt like I needed to tell one of these people something that was important to me and that in doing so I would risk the possibility that it would change things. But it needed to be said. So, I said it, without sugar coating it. And it didn't go the way I had hoped or planned. But in a way it was better. I took a risk and spoke my heart. And I meant every word. While I can not and will not go into any more details I want to say that this was a huge step for me. If anything I was able to honestly share my thoughts and feelings without fear of rejection or repercussion. This was possible because I believed that the act of saying it and having it said were more important than the response to it. Of course, not hearing the words you want to hear is always hard. Not being completely accepted or received is not preferred. While I had no expectations, I did have hopes for how the conversation would go and all of them ended with us both being on the same page. This did not happen. And I fight the impulse to take this personally. This person also spoke the truth back to me and some of it was hard to hear. There are areas in my heart that haven't fully healed and places that are still raw. I kill myself to protect these soft places and set up many traps and defense mechanisms to keep them safe. And this person spoke realities that touched at the core of some of those issues and made me truly face the things I fear. While my pride is wounded, my friendship is not. It was my own experiment in bravery. I won't say that it was a failure, because I did what I intended to do. And being able to open up and let someone new in to see the vulnerable side of me was refreshing. Just the fact that I was able to do that has made all the difference.

- if you are reading this (even though I told you not to) please know that it is an honor to share truths with you, if nothing else.

If single, should mingle?

My bestie just told me yesterday that all of my blog posts as of late have been of heavy substance. And to that I say, I just cant help myself. I guess I am just a person of substance. The trend will continue because today I am posting about something that is hitting pretty close to home for me right now. As always, I am striving for honesty here and the truth may be a teeny bit ugly. To protect the innocent (and not so innocent) I will be vague where I can and omit names and places. Relax, I am making it seem more juicy than it will be. Reputations are not on the line- except maybe my own.

On Tuesday night I was out with some of my friends from my College and Young Singles class at church. We were eating at the crab shack and sharing some laughs. And then the topic turned to friendships and the mood changed ever so slightly. I was in mixed company and the discussion was on guy/girl friendships and if such a thing could
a.) ever be healthy
b.) ever be platonic
c.) ever be beneficial
This was a conversation I have had and heard before. Some of the people at the table said that it was NEVER a good idea because someone usually gets hurt. While others argued that if the cards were on the table and everyone understood then it was fine for two people without attraction to hang out. I listened back and forth and silently tallied the points in my head for both arguments. It was an interesting topic for me because I have a history of friendships with males. So this got me thinking. And I came up with the conclusion that it was possible, but not plausible that two people could be strictly friends because USUALLY one person has (or ends up with) attraction for the other. I was pretty set in this conclusion until I did some research into my own life. And here is what I saw:

In 29 years of life, I have had 4 serious relationships. In 3 of those situations, I was "friends" with the guy for a while before a relationship ever began. Also in the last 29 years of my life, I would say that I have had a close friendship (that never matured into anything more) with 6 guys. Of those, I would say that I had feelings for only 2 of them and that at one point or another I was made aware that 3 of them had feelings for me. Based on these stats alone, I would say that the odds are not in the favor of my theory. Obviously, relationships are born from friendships and if not then in most cases one friend has feelings for the other. So, after considering this my theory had some serious holes in it.

Fast forward a day and I am summarizing both my thoughts and the initial conversation for a friend (who is a guy). And the can got opened up again. Only this time it was more personal because I was talking about the pluses and minuses of a girl/guy friendship with a guy that this girl has a friendship with. It was very interesting. And it ended with me changing my mind on the whole debate. Do I think it is possible for a guy and girl to be friends without crossing lines and boundaries? Yes, I do. It has happened to me a total of 2 times. But I also think that achieving this is extremely rare and very difficult. It requires an openness and a dialogue that centers around honesty and clear boundaries and expectations. The problem is that when feelings are involved it gets just a shade harder to be completely honest. Honesty makes you vulnerable and people tend to shy away from vulnerability. However, I currently have a male friend that I trust 100% and I genuinely feel that this person respects and cares about me and my feelings. in this situation we have spoken honestly about what to expect and not expect and have dialogued about what a healthy relationship looks like for a guy and a girl. And I think it works. At least, I am finding that it does.

It is so funny to me that I am even at a point in my life to have this debate. It has been a while since I had male friends that I hung out with or talked to. When I was married, that was a boundary that wasn't crossed. And now, it is weird for me to be entering in to a time when these things deserve attention and thought. Let me also say this, I believe that with age and life experience you can a maturity that makes what I am saying a bit more realistic. When, as a woman, you become secure in yourself and who you are in Christ, it becomes less important to have your needs met by a male. And then it becomes easier to maintain healthy emotional boundaries and also easier to identify and communicate when those boundaries go astray. At least this is true for me and my life. I will freely admit that in college I had some inappropriate friendships that had some blurred boundaries and people ended up hurt or used. It happens. But it shouldn't and it doesn't need to. Unfortunately though, I didn't know then all the things I know now. And probably I only know those things because I learned them the hard way.

Anyway, this has been in my head and heart lately because it is a time in my life when I am revisiting and reevaluating my stance on this matter. And I am a bit surprised by how much has changed since this was last an issue for me. I like being challenged to evaluate my actions and to really debate about what is permissible versus what is beneficial. I am pleased as punch to find that I am indeed growing up in some senses. Just food for thought.

Just Not Feeling It

Under normal circumstances I consider myself a glass half-full kind of girl. I understand the reality of life and what I call the always and nevers. For instance, you can NEVER make everyone happy or your friends won't ALWAYS agree with you. I am not naive enough to think that every story has a happy ending or that people get out what they out into something. In fact, I tend to get annoyed with books, movies and TV shows that portray ideal situations because that isn't reality. In reality, people get hurt when they take chances. In reality, the person you like sometimes doesn't feel the same. In reality, you can be the best at something and still lose. In reality, you can devote your whole life to one thing and then get it and still not be happy. But despite all this, I am usually still optimistic and hopeful. I get the reality but I tend to focus on the possibility.

However, today is not one of those days. Well, that's not really accurate. Today has been somewhat of a mixed bag of emotions and thoughts. Someone dear to my heart lost something precious today. This person lost the baby that she was carrying with hopeful expectations. It is a time of sorrow and questioning. The circumstances seem exceedingly cruel to me. I know that God gives and takes away. But even I, who has complete faith in His plans, sometimes questions why? I spoke with this person today and in her tears she said "these things happen" and "it will be OK". And what I want to say is that yes, it will be OK. Wounds heal and life goes on. There is strength in facing circumstances and embracing the pain without letting it consume you.

I have been hit hard by this situation today. I admit that I am crying as I type this. It is so unbelievably hard to watch someone you love go through such pain. But it is also so encouraging to watch them rise above it.

In my life I have had the honor of being blessed with friends who truly care. And not just care, but encourage. Lately, I have found that when I voice my need for help, help comes. Today, I told a friend that I was having a hard time and they responded with scripture. How lucky I am to have friends who love me enough to speak the truth. This friend referred me to Psalms 63 which says, in verses 7 and 8,

Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.
My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.

And also to Psalm 138, versus 3 and 7-8:

When I called, you answered me;you made me bold and stouthearted.

and

8 The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me;

your love, O LORD, endures forever—

do not abandon the works of your hands.

I am thankful for these words. And even as I read them and type I am becoming emotional by the promises in them. You may read this and feel something different or they may not mean the same thing to you. But to me they show that there is a help, an answer and a purpose in my life and that even though I don't see it, it is there. And when you feel alone or "cursed" or punished, take heart that you have not been abandoned. The work is still being done.

Emotionally, I am working through some stuff tonight and I admit that some of that feeling may be getting in the way of the point I am trying to make. Either way, it has been cathartic for me to process my grief in this way.

Just Keep Swimming, Just Keep Swimming!

Where are in the thick of summer, in Houston, which means it is hot, hot, HOT! Luckily, we have the best solution to summer heat right in our own backyard. I stated at the beginning of the summer that my goal was to swim everyday. And thus far it has been a near perfect record. We have enjoyed many hours beside the pool, soaking up the scorching sun and splashing in the water.

If you recall, last spring Luke was taking swim lessons. He did average for his age. Sometime this spring he received a new life jacket and his confidence was immediately boosted. From that point on he was unstoppable. My son is a swimmer folks. He can kick, float, put his face in the water and then come back up for air. It is a remarkable change from last summer and a welcome one.

I love the confidence he is expressing in his new abilities. you can see it in his face and his countenance that he loves challenging himself. Now my goal is to let that baby boy soar as high as he can. As a mother it is so easy to think of the ways that he might hurt himself. And there are times when my every impulse is to pull him back and keep him safe. But what is the fun in that? How can he learn to explore and test the limits with my death grip around his arm? Granted, he is 2, so limits are being tested everyday in every way. And while this is annoying and occasionally ends in timeouts, it can also serve to develop that part of his character that I was missing. It took me many years to learn to let go and take risks. If he can learn this lesson early, so many more doors and experiences become his to enjoy. So, I cautiously loosen the reigns and let him be a little boy. His excitement stretches to his fingertips and his joy is evident on his face.

And this is evident when he swims. He wants everyone to see and to watch. He is proud of himself for trying and succeeding... a little more every time. What a fun way to watch someone grow up. So we are swimming, A LOT! It has become our favorite summer activity. So if you can't find us, we are probably outside, diving and sliding and making waves.

Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?

There has been a theme for this week that revolves around being in want/or need and what to do when that want or need is not met. What do you make of that? I know several people who are going through something hard in their life that does not register as happy-making on the feelings scale. In fact, some of these situations are producing some major pain, heartache, disappointment and confusion. And these are situations without human answers, things that make you say "hmmm". As a person who is a problem solver in her inner core, this lack of answers does not resonate well for me. I want to locate a solution and make it happen. I need to connect A to B so that it equals PEACE. Therefore, I am hurting alongside those who hurt this week and I am questioning with you and for you.

I know this is not foreign to many of you but God gives and He takes away. No one likes to focus on that last part because we see God as someone who loves and cares for us. Why then does He not give us the things we want? Even His word says that he longs to give us the desires of our hearts. So why am I watching my friends and family grieve for the closed doors and windows in their life? Shouldn't those that are faithful get the things that they desire most?

Well they certainly would if this were a 30 minute sitcom or if God were a Zoltar machine that spit out granted wishes. But this is REAL life and answers are not always visible to the naked eye. I firmly believe that God wants our desires to be His desires and vice versa. And when that happens then He wants to give those things to us. But they have to match. It's like a giant game of Memory. When the two images match then you get to keep the cards. Still, it hurts something fierce to be denied the things we really want. That gets taught at age 2 when you want every toy on the toy aisle and you hear the dreaded word "NO!". It shatters us. Because we think we deserve to get it all. Because if they loved you, you would. Really? Here is a song I found this week that I have heard many times but echoed deeper and wider this week because I was wrestling through these thoughts.

Send some rain, would You send some rain?

'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again

And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade

Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?

Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down

Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid

But maybe not, not today

Maybe You'll provide in other ways

And if that's the case . . .

We'll give thanks to You With gratitude

For lessons learned in how to thirst for You

How to bless the very sun that warms our face

If You never send us rain

Daily bread, give us daily bread

Bless our bodies, keep our children fed

Fill our cups, then fill them up again tonight

Wrap us up and warm us through

Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs

Let us slumber safe from danger's view this time

Or maybe not, not today

Maybe You'll provide in other ways

And if that's the case . . .
We'll give thanks to You With gratitude

A lesson learned to hunger after You

That a starry sky offers a better view if no roof is overhead

And if we never taste that bread

Oh, the differences that often are between

What we want and what we really need

So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace

Move our hearts to hear a single beat

Between alibis and enemies tonight

Or maybe not, not today

Peace might be another world away

And if that's the case . . .

We'll give thanks to You With gratitude

For lessons learned in how to trust in You

That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream

In abundance or in need

And if You never grant us peace
But Jesus, would You please . . .

I think the answer here is that we change our focus and our perspective. We learn to take the "no" in life and be grateful for what it may be teaching us. God is the ultimate parent and He doesn't want a spoiled brat of a child any more than we do. So, he shuts a few doors and ignores a few requests and says NO every once in a while. Too bad we can't pick the whens and hows of this. But a friend referred me to Isaiah 55:8-9 this week which says (in paraphrase) that God's ways are higher than our ways and His thoughts are higher than our thoughts. So I guess He has the credentials to handle our every situation. He doesn't need our problem solving skills or even our input. And our tantrum isn't necessary either. But sometimes it does help. Occasionally it can be frustrating. It is what it is. And we can live in the hurt or find beauty in the alternative. I know this is easier said than done. And to those who are hurting, I don't diminish your pain. I write this to make sense of it myself. All this being said, I think it is like the last line of the song... you may not get what you want, or what you think you need... but it never hurts to ask.

***song is "Gratitude" by Nichole Nordeman***

It's Potty Time!

In the life of every child there comes a point where it's time to put on the big boy underpants. For my son, that time is now. You guessed it, it's potty training time. After a pretty rough start things are moving pretty well. I can almost see the finish line now and there are mixed feelings. On the one hand I am pleased that there will be no more diapers, which means no more ridiculous amount of dollars spent on buying said diapers. And yet, this also means that I do not have a baby anymore, but a big boy. It's funny, I can remember Luke as a newborn, but I have forgotten what his fingers felt like and how his skin smelt. All the traces of being a baby are leaving him right along with his dependence on me. And this is a tough pill for a mom to swallow. I like being needed. I may not be Super Mom but I am pretty good at being Luke's mom. To know that there are more and more things that he wants to do himself is bittersweet.

To begin this process we had to introduce the potty as a thing of privilege. It had to be seen as a right of passage. After that we did what any self-respecting parent does and we resorted to bribery to get the job done. Of course, we called it incentives, but still. We started with stickers and then when that didn't work we resorted to candy and then when that lost its appeal we moved to toys. And so far, this is working. However, we are maxed out on the toys and the stash has been depleted. Which means, the time for prizes has run out. From this day forward, the act of using the potty is appreciated and expected, but not rewarded. I suspect that this news will not go over well tomorrow when the applause and cheers are the only reward for a job well done. Let this be a lesson in disappointment.
Which brings me to this: in my everyday struggles and life lessons I too face some disappointments and it never seems to get easier. Whether you are 2 or 20-something, it doesn't feel good to expect something and receive nothing. In my relationships with people, I think I sometimes expect the pat on the backs, the thank yous and the rewards. As someone I know says, " do you want a star or a cookie?". And the truth is that sometimes I do want recognition for a job well done. I want to know that others recognize that I tried and succeeded. Yes, I know that this is not necessarily a good thing that I speak of. I should not do things for recognition. My motive for doing things for others should not be to receive something in return. Then why do I get so annoyed when people don't respond to a kind word, a thoughtful gesture or an act of generosity? It is a good question and one that I am trying to find the answer to as I look within myself.

But what I do know is that sometimes there are tasks or challenges in life that God places in our path to help us "grow up". At times there are definitive moments where He wants us to prove our faithfulness and to show that we are maturing and learning how to walk with Him. And like a child, I sometimes expect an incentive or a reward for my troubles. I search for that trophy that shows the world that I have overcome. But often it is not there. Most of the time the reward is that I get to grow closer to God and depend on Him more. This is an internal and eternal reward. This is worth more than a gold star or a cookie. And eventually I will let this be enough. Eventually I will grow up and learn that this is not a disappointment.

Me and My Lobsters

Have you ever seen the Friends episode where Phoebe calls Ross Rachel's lobster? Well, if you haven't, you should. It's a really good one. The point behind this is that lobsters mate for life and finding the right one is like finding your perfect partner. It is a nice theory. But currently, I do not have a lobster. I am not even in the tank. But I do know what it feels like to have people in your life that "complete you". Even this statement is not entirely accurate, because I don't think anyone can or should complete you. But, it comes to close to what I want to say which is, in summary, that the people in my life are doing a pretty good job of fitting themselves together to form a wonderful picture of love and support around me.

Recently, I have been attending a Bible Study where we discussed the church as a body. In this study we talked about how everyone plays there own part in the larger whole. One is the arm, one is the knee, or the eyebrow... well you get it. And every person has a function that sets them apart from the others. Separate but equal. And I like this metaphor... A LOT. I think I like it because it represents that we are not alone. We are part of a larger body. And what is more is that it brings to the forefront that we are not meant to be alone. An arm by itself can not do anything, it is just a creepy appendage without use. But put it on the body and it holds a hand, swings a bat, cooks a meal, saves a life.

There is no doubt that I am what you would call a "people person". In fact someone told me yesterday that I get energized by other people. And this is a truth. A life without people just would not do. Do I sometimes get annoyed or irritated with these people in my life? Absolutely. But should I have the misfortune of being stranded on an island, all alone, I do not think I would stay sane for long. And what I love about this "body" analogy is that it can also be used to describe me and my life. If I were the body, then these people in my life make up the pieces of me. Now, we could get spiritual here and say, God is the essence of me. This is a true statement. But, I also think these people in my life are not here by accident. They are here for a reason and they are all individual ingredients to this delicious dish (thats right, I just called myself a dish). So, in honor of my friends and family, those people who I depend on, I want to acknowledge the role you play in my life. (this is by no means an exhaustive list)

Mom - you are my conscience. you always steer me in a direction that seems solid and safe. sometimes we agree on the course, and sometimes not. but you are there to guide without fail.

Dad - you are my heartbeat. there has never been a time when you were not steady and constant. I can always count on you to bring me back to equilibrium.

Sister - you are my breath. you keep me going, you warm me up, you are there when I am strained, excited or in need of peace.

Luke- you are my heart. you bring everything together for me. i feel your presence in all i do.

Sara - you are my eyes. i have seen so much life, humor and love through you. you have shown me friendship and beauty.

Cohorts - you are my funny bone. this is an essential piece of me. you keep me from taking myself too seriously.

Carly/Jacob - you are my ears. you have taught me so much about listening to the needs of others and going where you are needed. you have helped me to hear what i needed to hear when it mattered most.

Brook - you are my neck. you hold me up when i feel downcast. you help me to keep my chin up and my eyes on the prize. you are a great support.

Lars - you are my arm. you keep me reaching for more. you have taught me to be of use and to serve.

LeeLu - you are my mouth. i have loved every second of sharing my story and my life with you. you keep me laughing, sharing and speaking the truth.

Josh - you are my brain. you help me to sort things out and think things through. you have helped me realize there is a time to laugh, a time to cry, a time to lead and a time to follow.

Jeremy - you are my feet. you challenge me to go and be in the mix, not on the sidelines. you keep me on my toes and ready for movement.

Sylvia- you are my hands. you have taught me how to reach out and embrace life and to use what i have to make something beautiful. you have shown me to hold on to whats important and to find things to create and enjoy.

Jerry - you are my spine. you are always there when i need you. you bend over backwards to help keep me in line.

Jason - you are my stomach. sometimes you get me worked up, sometimes you get me laughing hysterically but you are an important piece. you have helped me "digest" the things of this life.

Of course there are more, but this list is getting long and my eyes and fingers are getting tired. If you are part of my life, you are an essential piece of me. If you know that you are loved by me, then know that you are part of what makes me who I am. I am grateful for you and I have humble gratitude for the kindness you show me in so many ways. Thanks to all.

It's All About Them Words

Some people say that I have a way with words. And while I take this compliment and tuck it in my pocket, I do not always agree. But what I can say is that I love words. I love to rhyme them and sing them and write them and speak them to anyone who will listen. I think there is a power in words that can transform you, disarm you or destroy you.

Some words are full of a hope that can't be contained:
" When peace like a river, ascendeth my way. When sorrow like sea billows roll. Whatever my lot, Tho has taught me to say: It is well, It is well with my soul".

Some words are full of a pain so real that you can almost taste it:
" I remember whispering to you in the moments right before your final "ohhh" sound - I will hold to those promises for the rest of my life. "

Some words are said without thought, but you remember forever:
" You have the biggest arms on a girl that I have ever seen".

Some words bring you back to a moment in time:
" With this ring, I, thee, wed. "

Some words make you laugh until you can't see straight:
" We're the 3 best friends that anyone can have. Oh we're the 3 best friends that anyone can have..."

Some words are shared in a special moment and become a secret language:
"Cool as in neat, or cool as in greasy?", " You never do that.", " We braid hair."

There are times when I have heard the words:
" I just don't like you" or "Not everything is about you" and I literally felt wounded.

And then there are times when someone has said:
"You're a favorite", " I appreciate you" or "I love you" and everything makes sense again.

There was a time when what I wanted to hear was "it's going to be ok" and "we support you". But my true friends told me what I needed to hear instead, which was " I love you, but you're wrong". And this changed the path I walked and led me here.

I have loved reading the words my friends have written on their blogs and thoroughly enjoyed hearing their voice in the words they have chosen. I could tell you in a second which blog was Sara's or Beth's just by listening to the cadence of their words and they beauty and humor they infuse in them.

I can easily break into tears watching TV because of the words that are shared between two people in an emotionally charged moment. I feel it, because I can tell that they mean it. And maybe, just maybe, I have heard or meant those words before myself.


In my car, I can be transformed from a bad mood to a good mood based on what song is on the radio. I can become less distracted, more present or highly energized by the way a song mixes words with rythym.


My son is learning words and is attempting to make his own sense of them. Sometimes this translates into words like "stirp" for "stir" or "yarn" for "yawn". But it also comes out in the sweetest ways when he says: "It's a nice day" or "you look pretty".


There is so much that we say with words and so much that we hear in the words being said to us. I can spend hours practicing the words I want to use for an important conversation. I plan it out and edit the dialogue until I know it is flawless. But I tend to speak before I think when it matters most. And this is a bad, bad habit. Because clearly, this post is about the magnificence of words and the effect that they can have. Obviously words can and do break a few "bones" every now and then. But a perfectly timed word, said in the most sincere of ways can also make a day, a week or a moment.


p.s. if I used your words in this blog - and you know who you are - thanks for the inspiration and I hope you don't mind my plagarism.