Sleight of Hand

Ever been to a magic show? Or seen magic in a movie? I have done both and I was pretty impressed with the sleight of hand magic. I find the up-close magic pretty remarkable when you think about it. And truthfully, I don't think about it all too much. But take the movie the Prestige, somewhere in there it talked about people's need to believe in the magic. And this need to believe in something magical sustains the success of the magic trick. We want to believe that the impossible is in fact possible and that looks are sometimes deceiving. I am feeling this need in my life at present and wishing for some magic of my own. In recent days someone told me that they wanted to see me in "bliss". The idea being that I seemed fine, even happy, with my life and my situations but not completely filled with joy. I wanted to refute this statement and make a counterargument but I just couldn't. I do feel happy and content. But am I filled with bliss and joy? No, not yet. Well, not entirely anyway. But I want to be there. I so desperately want to feel completely fine with everything and for people in my life to not have the power to hurt me anymore. In essence, I want to not care anymore about what people think and feel so that I can just be and feel free to do my own thing. But this is not the case. I do care. I care a great deal. Even when i really would rather not. I want to be completely healed from the hurts of my marriage and move forward. Most days I can but sometimes this is just a trick of the eye. Some days I am doing my own sleight of hand and convincing myself that things are more than they seem. I am in need of magic. I am in need of trust, patience and faith that this will all pan out and that it was not for nothing. I do believe that but sometimes, as with magic, seeing isn't always believing. Sometimes you have to feel and touch and know where the girl in the box went. Does this make sense? Anyway, I had a conversation with my husband lately and in the middle of the conversation I got upset about something. After I hung up I wished I wasn't upset. More precisely, I wished that those types of things didn't still make me upset. I wished that I was more secure in my current situation, more solid somehow. I had wanted so hard to believe something that was not there. Anyway, I know it will get there and that it is getting there, even as I type this. So I am not worried, I am just impatient. Life is good for me and I am enjoying everyday. It is just not perfect. But when is it ever? That doesn't keep me from expecting magic to happen.