Wind Blown

Lately my little family has been going through a lot of changes. Some have been good and some have not. I have felt a little like a tree in a storm, bending in the wind and the rain and trying to stay rooted and trying harder to stand tall.

You know when you see hurricane footage on the news and those poor palm trees are thrashing in the wind? Well that is me in this period of my life. I am being sent this way and that way in the wind and finding it hard to keep my bearings. All my life I have been the girl who does the "right" thing. I never got detention, never failed a class and never did anything that I wasn't supposed to. And lately I have been reacting the way I thought I should react. I have stuffed my feelings and glossed them over to try and keep the peace. But it hurts and it's not fair and sometimes I am really angry about that. Something happened recently that sparked something in me. This little something was the catalyst that caused all of that hidden stuff to spurt forth. And I am left feeling like I have weathered the storm. My slick facade has gone and I am left bent and broken.

Because in the life of a tree, after any storm you are left with two options: to be bent by the elements, bearing the forever mark of your trial or you are bent to the point of breaking. I have definitely found that I have been broken and that there are splinters in my life that need to be healed. And I think that allowing these feelings to work themselves out is part of that process. It is a necessary evil.

In this way I am hoping to be more like a rock and less like a tree. The river rock enters the water jagged and rough and over time... with lots of force and water... it becomes smooth and rounded. I think that this is how God intends for us to be. We enter in to this world broken, jagged and rough and in trusting Him we learn to sit in the river and wait for Him to make us smooth.

So I am embracing my jagged-ness and throwing myself in to the mercy of the river. I am hoping that it can take these beaten and broken shards and make them in to something smooth and soft to the touch. In summary, I am feeling the downside of anger and pain right now and I am okay with that. I am letting it work through me but not consume me. I figure that if I let it work through me I will wake up one day and find that the right thing comes naturally.

"Rolling river God, little stones are smooth

only once the water passes through

So I am a stone, rough and grainy still

trying to reconcile this river's chill.

But when I close my eyes

and feel you rushing by

I know that time brings change

and change takes time.

And when the sunset comes

my prayer would be this one,

that you would pick me up and notice that I am

just a little smoother in your hand.

Sometimes raging wild

sometimes swollen high

never have I known this river dry.

The deepest part of you

is where I want to stay

and feel the sharpest edges wash away."

- River God by "Nicole Nordeman"