Calling a Spade, a Spade

Let me first preface this post by saying that this is very sensitive material. It took me some time to decide how to say this and when to say it and I have come to the conclusion that now is the time. I know that if you are reading this, then you are within my circle of trust, otherwise you wouldn't have this blog URL or any interest in reading it. So I will continue in faith and trust, knowing that you will care and will use this information wisely. That being said... let's begin.

I want to start with the simple statement: my husband and I are separated. Gosh! That was as hard to write as it has been to wrap my brain around. And with that simple statement, there is a more complex story behind it: my husband asked for a separation on December 2, 2008. Basically, there were some issues in our marriage that he wanted us to step back and really look at and he felt that some distance might give us a fresh perspective. I did not disagree. After a week of thinking and praying, he decided for us to continue the separation. I did not agree. And since then, we have been living apart. I have wrestled with God on this and found Him to be faithful and good, even in this heartache and confusion.

I do not believe in divorce and married knowing that it was not an option for my future. I still believe that. I do not want a divorce and I am praying and hoping that it will not come to that. I have found solace and strength from friends and family who have cried with me, encouraged me, told me the hard truths and helped me to find joy in the journey. It has been a hard road filled with hurt beyond explanation. But... it has also helped me to realize that I am strong, and faithful and hopeful to my core.

There are a lot of questions still remaining when it comes to my marriage. Right now, the situation doesn't look hopeful. I don't think that my husband's mind and heart are in the same place as mine. And I don't know what to do about that except to pray and believe and live. I heard this statement in some reading I was doing lately: you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you won't be able to cure it. That is where I am at. I can't control anyone but myself. I will only be held accountable for my actions, and reactions and responses in any situation. And so I have steadied myself for this battle. I will carry hope for a renewed marriage and stay faithful to what I believe in my heart. But I will also laugh, and sing, and find joy in other things.

I didn't know if I should share this, or if this was the place to do it. But I am glad that I did because there is freedom in sharing the truth. I want you guys to know, so that you can pray for us and encourage me and hold me accountable to the things that I have said here. I want to tell you so that I can face my fear that this imperfect marriage means that I am not good enough. I know that this is untrue and silly, but most fears are.

Anyway, thanks to everyone who has read this and took it to heart. I am finding new joy every day and learning to hope, against all hope. There is a song that I have clung to in this time. I would like to share the lyrics from that sing as I close this blog:

The pathway is broken
and the signs are unclear.
And I don't the reason
why You brought me here.
But just because You love me
the way that You do...
I'm gonna walk through the valley,
if You want me to.

Cuz, I'm not who I was
when I took my first step.
And I'm clinging to the promise
that You're not through with me yet.
So if all of these trials,
bring me closer to You...
then I will walk through the fire
if You want me to.

It may not be the way that I would have chosen.
When You lead me through a world that's not my home.
But You never said it would be easy.
You only said I'd never go alone.

So when the whole world turns against me.
And I'm all by myself.
And I can't hear You answer
my cries for help.
I'll remember the struggle
Your love put you through...
and I will go through the valley
if You want me to.

- "If You Want Me To" by Ginny Owens