Just another manic Monday

Of course, after that wonderful day of clarity and the post about joy on Sunday - God allowed me the pain of Monday. I had the Monday of all Mondays yesterday. It was not good. it started off bad and went to worse and ended at totally unbelievable in it's level of suckage. But such is life. It is a changing tide of good and bad experiences. The real test is to see if i can keep that joy I talked about, amidst the Mondays of life.

I've had a bit of a setback recently and I am trying to refigure my life around the changes. I know full well that I will heal and come back stronger and more faithful. But until then, I am going to choose silence. I am going through something that I can not blog about. I do not want to blog about it because in this topic I dont want you people in my head. But rest assured that when that fog clears, I will be back. Thanks, faithful blog followers, for being there as a sounding board.

Leslie

Sing, Sing a Song

I must begin by saying that I am a little emotional as I write this. It has been one of those nights when the blinders have come up just a fraction and my limited scope has gotten a little bit clearer. And what I have seen with these new eyes just astounds me. There are joys in this life that words can not explain. There is kindness among friends that this heart can not contain. There is peace among sorrow that my mind can not full fathom. When you take all of these observations and wrap them up into a small concise package, the word is grateful. I am full of gratitude at how God is moving in my life at this moment. The dots in my life just seem to keep connecting, even when it seems unlikely, into the most beautiful and elaborate pictures of mercy and grace. It feels like I have travelled so very far during this short life of mine. And yet, I have barely scratched the surface of the plans God has for me.

Over a year ago, I started this blog and faced the task of trying to decide what to call it. It was a different time in my life, a time of complete confusion and gnashing of teeth. But even then, I knew that there was much to be grateful for. Even in the desert place, my cup runneth over. Even in my darkest hours yet, I still had more than I could have asked for. And in His faithfulness, the Lord continues to provide. The people, places, promises and purposes I have in my life are filling my heart with joy. I have transitioned into a new life. I have metamorphosed into a new creature and dang, it feels so good. I found this verse yesterday, as I rummaged through my Bible for hidden treasures, and it captures my spirit perfectly:

"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy" - Psalm 126:5

I have a song to sing, a song of humble gratitude and complete thankfulness.

Listamania 5.0

Normally my daily diet consists largely of protein shakes. But not this week. This week we are eating good. Maybe even a little too good. The treaders will be burning up next week for sure. But all of this hearty eating has inspired this weeks listamania. If I was somehow in a situation where I was told to pick ten foods to live on for the rest of my life, these would be them:

1. Red Lobster's cheddar bay biscuits
2. Tx Roadhouse green beans
3. Cypress Station Grill's sweet potato fries
4. Chicken fajitas from Lupe Tortillas
5. Lobster bisque from Pappadeaux's
6. The turkey o' toole from Bennigans
7. Red Robin's blue cheese burger
8. McAlister's club wrap
9.PF Chang's chicken lo mein
10. Olive Garden's chicken alfredo pizza

And I would have to add a chicken fried steak from somewhere delicious. What would your choices be? Dang. I'm hungry now.

Cause I'm a Freak, Baby

This week I am on vacation with the family in the beautiful Texas Hill Country. So far, we are having a very pleasant time. Unlike many of our vacations this one would be considered very free-style. Now, I see the benefits of having an open and flexible schedule, especially when relaxation is your goal, but it goes against every grain I have to be without a plan.
Here is my confession: I am a control freak. There, I said it. I don't know when this started but somewhere and somehow I went from liking to have my way, moved right through preferring to have my way and landed in needing to have my way. And this is where I am stuck- in the land of needing lots of info and rarely getting any.
There was a time in my life when things were very chaotic for me and I rarely knew what to expect on a given day. In this time I had to let go of what I wanted to cling to what I needed to get by. Now that things are more stable for me, I find myself trying to make up for lost time. I feel that I have room to want things now and so I want them with all I have. Now that I've found my voice I find myself dead set on what I think needs to happen. This part I do remember from my youth. I always wanted to be in charge of group projects at school because then I knew it would get done and get done the right way.
The problem is that sometimes my way isn't the right way. But, it is hard to see that within the moment of wanting. I set an expectation that my plans are good and will achieve the desired results. And then I work hard towards that goal with checklists and outlines.
When life gets in the way and hands me hurdles or foibles to my well thought out plan, I panic and get quite flustered or cross. Mostly at myself, for being so narrowly focused on me.
Plans are good, but so is wait and see. I am not so good at going with the flow, I want to move and create. This week will be a challenge for me in letting go and enjoying the freedom of not-controlling every moment. And I think I will find that it will be just as much fun and maybe a little less stressful.When you don't have an expectation, it removes the fear of not meeting it. And by now we all know what a fan I am of that.

Baby Mine

Today I was at Target doing one of the things I hate the most: trying on clothes. I was in the back corner dressing room when a family came in to try on back-to-school clothes. This family consisted of a mom, a daughter and two sons. I could never see this family, but I heard them. It would have been impossible not to. And what I heard nearly broke my heart. Every single sentence that came from the mother's mouth was spoken with an edge and bark that made me shudder. There was no love anywhere in the tone or words she was using. I listened for about five minutes before I couldn't take it anymore, and I left the dressing room saying a quick prayer for that mom and her children. I promptly headed over to my son, playing in the toy section with his Nana, and gave him the biggest hug.

Being a parent is tough sometimes. It can become downright annoying when little personalities start to develop that scream for independence and rebellion. So, I will allow for the fact that perhaps this mother was having one of those days and her patience was a little thin. But don't we all know someone whose normal voice sounds like a yell and who always seems mad or irritated? I was a crisis counselor for two years, trust me when I say that some families speak in shouts and barks. I sure hope this is not me. I don't think it is, but I do have my days when anger wins out over patience. It takes a very focused and conscious effort to discipline and correct in love, and not anger. And I don't always hit the nail on the head there. But I want to take this opportunity to tell him, and the blog readers, all the things on the other side of that coin.

Luke, my child, you are:

sweet

brave

kind

loving

gentle

sensitive

friendly

outgoing

opinionated

happy

dramatic

helpful

charming

caring

polite

smart

funny

creative

and above all else, silly

I love everything about you, even on your worst day. Even as you are telling me to go away and leave you alone. Even when you are throwing your tenth fit in 30 minutes. Even when you don't quite make it to the potty on time and when you don't even touch the sandwich I spent ten minutes making because you HAD to have it - yes, sweet boy, even then. I hope you grow up with the confidence it takes to face this world and come out whole. I hope you never have to doubt for one second that you are loved and treasured. And I pray, everyday, that I will speak more kindnesses than I do warnings. That we will laugh more than we cry, talk more than we shout, and that I will never be too busy to enjoy you or create moments that matter.

With every bit of my heart (and perhaps a tiny bit more),

Mom

The Ring of Fire

First, I want to sound a clear NERD ALERT for what is about to happen. But when the similes come, you have to take what you can get. And today you are getting a little bit of LOTR (that's Lord of the Rings for those who don't speak Tolkien). But, alas, I will get to that part later.

I'd like to start by saying that I have noticed that a good deal of my posts lately have been about spiritual matters. I have no idea if these posts are as interesting or helpful to read as they are to write, but in a way I don't care. Lately, I have been challenged and stretched in my faith in ways I never expected. As I have clung to, trusted in and relied on God to keep His promises I have found myself more aware of what He is doing in and around me. It doesn't always make sense, or go the way I would like it to - but that is part of what this blog is for, to help me make sense of my life one word at a time. Matthew 12:34 says, "For out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks". Therefore, I am encouraged that my mouth seems to be speaking more about what God's doing than what I'm doing - at least in the blogosphere.

So... I have been feeling pretty good lately about where I am in my life. I feel on track with the goals I set for myself in regards to school, friends, family and faith. Things have been flowing pretty smoothly and I have felt real joy in my heart of hearts. I had even begun to think that I'd learned a thing or too about myself and from my mistakes and would have said I was making progress. And then, as if He knew (which He did), God decided to test my theory and He threw me in to the refining fires. It seems that this week God has dangled some pretty nice carrots in front of my face to see how I would respond. And I am humbled to say that I did not respond well. When the heat and pressure came I turned to my feelings to give me my bearings and left the facts in the dust. I let my eyes turn to what I wanted and forgot to ask if it was what I needed. And I found myself returning to past insecurities and wearing them as easily as an old coat. It seems I had not progressed as much as I would have thought.

I have always loved the image of the refiners fire. Silversmiths put their fire in the furnace to melt it and then the dross (impurities) would rise to the top and sit on the surface. They would then scrap off this dross before pouring the silver in to a mold to be made into something valuable and useful.

Proverbs 25:4 - "Remove the dross from the
silver, and out comes material for the silversmith;"

It seems that the fire is necessary if we are to be pure and of use. It is easy to dread the fire. It is hot and super uncomfortable. But in the end, it leads to the best version of ourselves - if we submit to the process and quit holding on to our impurities. In this way, we are not unlike "the precious" in LOTR. It was a beautiful and powerful vessel but it did not show it's true colors or deliver it's full message until it was put in to the fire. Only then did the true message show. We can fake it till we make it all we want. We can build our house of straw and try to cut costs and labor - we can do as little as possible to get by. But...

1 Corinthians 3:11-15 - "For no one can lay any foundation than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ. If anyone builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw , his work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test each man's work. If what he has built survives, he will receive his reward. If it is burned up, he will suffer loss; he himself will be saved but only as one escaping through the flames."

eventually the testing of our faith will show our true colors and the effort we have put in towards pursuing God's will. And in those moments of uncomfortable pain and pressure, we will either display the image of Christ or we will be branded with the scars of a person who was burned.

I admit that I have been burned this week. But, I can honestly say that while I got some new scars, I also feel that I lost some of those impurities as well. And that I am possibly a little closer to becoming something the silversmith can truly use. That is my hope and prayer: that my eyes would be not on the fire, or the silver, but on the one who makes beauty from ashes. This "giant" I face today is not really anything more than an opportunity to focus and trust God once more. It will work out. I have that promise. And I may have forgotten that for a moment, but, thankfully, it is my foundation.

Listamania 4.0

Today is not the best day I've ever had. But then again, it's not the worst day either. I would love to say that my sunny disposition and faith in Jesus omit me from getting sad or confused. But that is just not true. I have these things called emotions, and they sometimes get the better of me - even when I know they shouldn't. I firmly believe emotions are a good thing. Without them I would just be a robot. So, today I am embracing my emotions and using them as inspiration for this list. Behold, I give you a list of my favorite tear-jerker movies. I occasionally feel the need for a good endorphin cleanse and put one of these in the old DVD player to speed up the process. Here are ten movies a girl (or guy) can count on to get the tears flowing (in no particular order):

1. My Girl
2. Moulin Rouge
3. The Notebook
4. Life as a House
5. Hope Floats
6. Terms of Endearment
7. Remember the Titans
8. Beaches
9. My Life
10. I am Sam

So, there you have it. If you have any suggestions to add to the list, please be my guest.

Also, I know I painted a bleak picture when it comes to my current mood, but I am confident that this pity party will end soon. Things happen, we take them as they come. It is not the last time I will have a bad day. However, I have learned not to let bad days or bad situations define me or steal my joy and happiness. So... here's to turning a frown upside down and staying on the sunny side!



p.s. this picture of Dawson crying just makes me laugh. you can't not laugh looking at that. Pacey would never have looked like such a tool.