Leslie Enchanted

OK, here is a somewhat embarrassing confession: I want to be a Disney Princess. Anyone will do, I'm not too terribly picky (although, I'm somewhat partial to Belle). It isn't that I envy their money, or their titles, or their clothes or good looks. In fact, I could do without those things if I had the one thing they all have- a prince.

See, I'm not just talking about the fact that they met someone tall, dark and handsome (although that doesn't hurt, certainly). However, those things lose ranking precedence the more I find myself maturing in age. I suppose I am finding that there are plenty more important things than the size of his jeans, the thickness of his hair and the brand of his shoes. What I really want is romance, a full, hearty dose of it.There is nothing as romantic as the feeling of stability, security and dependability. If you can guarantee that those things will exist, forever and always, my love tank will remain perpetually full. If those things are my reality, that's the happiest ending I could hope for.

I think the more accurate thing to say is that I want the pursuit. Let me clarify that I do want a Prince, someday. Eventually. But I don't just want anyone. I want a Prince that will pursue me. Who will fight the dragon, climb the tower, travel far distances, and look like a fool for me. My heart has always wanted this kind of wanting. And deep down, or not so deep down, I believe every woman wants someone who is willing to fight to stand by her side and have her hand to hold. I admit that I have not found this yet. I was close on a few occasions, but not quite there. And at the time, I don't think I fully realized just how important the chase was for me. And not just the initial chase, but the continued chase. The one that says I got you and now I will do whatever it takes to keep you. I'm referring to the lifelong chase.

      

It is in this way that I am envious of the Disney Princess. Because they have a Prince who shows up, every time, and does what it takes to awaken her heart and make her his princess. Sometimes all this takes is one single kiss (Snow White), but sometimes it requires fighting an underwater octopus queen (Little Mermaid), or scouring a whole town for the one that got away (Cinderella) or learning how to be the best version of yourself (Beauty and the Beast).  This kind of love is what my heart longs for and I hope that one day that sort of prince will come. But, if not, I am confident that my story will still have a happy ending. My heart is spoken for no matter what, by One that never lets me down and always fights and intercedes on my behalf. And even I am learning how to fight for myself in this way. I am figuring out how to defend the things that I value about myself against the lies and tricks of those who try to steal it.

Music Monday #1 - G. DeGraw

Ok, I'm starting a new thing, Music Monday. I love music and it gets me through quite a bit. It always seems I can find a song that resonates with how I am thinking and feeling and I feel validated. And transformed. So, I want to share some of the gems that I love and the new stuff I've found. To start, I found this song by Gavin DeGraw called, Not Over You. It is the new single from his upcoming album, Sweeter. I know that Gavin DeGraw is old school and probably became uncool about the same time that One Tree Hill and the CW did. BUT, I love Gavin DeGraw music (and OTH too) and I'm excited about whats to come. So... here is the link to the new song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQDc3bhGQP8

And, since I feel this is my one forum to share Gavin music, here are two more songs that I like. One is Stay, from the album Free.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eM61MusOE7g

And the other is Glass, also from the album Free. I think this is an absolutely beautiful song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_0DxKDx2H4Q&feature=related

Ok, thats enough of the Gavin hour. Have a listen if you want, or just skip it altogether.

Turn, Turn, Turn

It has been a while since posted anything of substance on this blog. In these last few months I have been experiencing the extremes of my emotions. I have been to both incredible highs and seemingly unbearable lows and all the pit stops in between. While I wouldn't say that it has been one giant hay ride of excitement, I can say that it has led me here, smack dab in the place I am meant to be and I've come to grips with the fact that that is alright. It is just right enough I should say, because some days, to be honest, alright seems a bit less than hoped for and a bit more than I can handle.

You see, like many of you, I had something and I lost it. There are more details and feelings involved, but these are the gists. These are my simple truths. I had something that was important to me and for all the wanting and waiting and wondering that I reserved for it, it wasn't right. And in the end, I lost it. It left. And I was not the same. I felt broken and empty and utterly without. It was one of those things that felt absolutely right, but still one hundred percent sucky. Ever have one of those? I mean, I felt the suckiness down to my core and I was not happy about it. In fact, I spent a little bit of time being down right pissed off that I had to deal with disappointment, yet again. I was furious that the God I love and trust did not see fit to give me what I wanted this time. Because I was arrogant enough to think that I had been through enough, I had paid my dues and it was time that something good happened to me, something that I wanted and planned for. But that did not happen. I opened my hand to receive the gifts and walked away with it empty despite my prayers and despite my longings. That did not seem right. Or just. Or fair. So I got a serious case of the mopes. It was bad. And I do not feign pride at the thoughts and prayers of my heart at that time.

However, I got through it. The leaving happened in stages, it took it's sweet time with the final good bye but it did eventually leave. And the hole that once was became something different. I can't fully say that it is better yet, but I trust that we are on our way to that place. The truth is, that hole is still becoming. It has not achieved finality yet. But the weight is lifting. It is amazing how much freedom and unburdening accompany perspective and clarity.

This life, and the things in it, have seasons. Everything ebbs and flows, it wanes and waxes to become what it needs to be when the timing is right and the circumstances allow it. There is a rhyme and reason to these circumstances, but they are always changing. So what seems right today, may not be so right tomorrow. Those perfect fits, may turn out to be not so perfect down the road. I am experiencing a bit of that right now. Some relationships in my life are experiencing an evolution of seasons and I can not quite understand the hows and whys. What I know is that things are different and the level of my investment has changed as well. I find this fact unsettling because it is not a change that I want, at all. And I can not come to grasp with the feelings that this evolution is creating. I understand that friends come and go. I have had more than my share of friends who came, and were dearly loved, and then left, and were missed. I know it happens. And sometimes this feels completely natural and you ride it out and do what it takes to let it go and move on. But sometimes it does not and you fight it. And you hope that things will carry on as usual... for the foreseeable future. And maybe it will. But also, maybe it won't.

Things do eventually play themselves out. The movie ends, the CD restarts, the curtain closes, and we move on. Sometimes we outgrow the things we love and we have to find something that fits a little better with where we are at right now. If we are lucky, the things we really love find a way back to us, somehow. But I have a scrapbook (or two) filled with people and places that have cycled out and relegated themselves to wonderful memories, instead of current realities. And that is ok. I loved them when I had them, and I appreciate them for what they were to me.

I guess I am writing this somewhat confusing blog to try and understand my place in my life right now. I feel slightly lost and slightly askew in a time when I thought I knew where I was going and what I wanted. I am readjusting and reshuffling and I feel like I am losing some important things in that process. Things that I am afraid I won't get back. Things that I am not ready to give up without a fight. I know what will be will eventually be. And I am not arrogant enough to think I can change that. However, every season of life has its good and bad things, the perks and the pratfalls. While I sense that a new season is looming, I fins myself clinging to those things that are good and hoping that they can remain, a little while longer, so that I may enjoy them to the full.

Wait for It

I have much to say. And its been a while since I said it. But wait for it, because it is coming. And coming soon. Real soon.

Who's got the keys to the Jeep?

Has it really been a month since I last posted? Yikes. Where have I been? I have been fully immersed in the Christmas hoopla and the bliss of being in a new relationship. Well, an old/new relationship. It has been a wonderful holiday season and I have found myself jumping from joy to joy and smile to smile. But the holidays are now over. The trappings have been boxed up and stored away for another year. And life continues on.

Someone I know used to tell me that I was crazy. I used to think this was offensive. In fact, I recall getting very upset at this remark a time or two. But, the older I get, the more I find this statement to be true. At least slightly true. And... I find that I have less cause to deny and more reasons to just embrace it. Now, when I say crazy I DO NOT mean in the stalk you outside your window, ranting and raving kind of way. What I mean is that sometimes I get so caught up in the world inside my head that it effects my reality.

Let me clarify again. I am not delusional and I am certain that I have just the one personality and identity. But... these expectations and ideas of mine get pretty lodged in to my brain and they settle right on in. So, should the actual events of my life not match what I had predetermined would and should happen then things get a little dicey. I start overanalyzing and overthinking, which leads to being overwhelmed and it is just too much.  On a good day, I can see, with clarity, the irrationality of all of this. And I sometimes even lay these ideas down and seek the the will of God. And still other times I find that I can not let go of my expectations. This is a horrible habit by the way. I do not recommend it.

I too easily fall in to the habit of second guessing. You know: "why did she say this?, "why didn't he do that?", "did he do this because he thinks this?" or "what if she said this but really meant that?". It is exhausting just typing it. And utterly ridiculous to boot. It is... CRAZY. It is me trying to make sense of a world that does not fit inside my box. It is me trying to guess the hows and whys of people and their actions. All this guess work leads to empty assumptions (and we all know what happens when one assumes) which lead to disappointments when those assumptions inevitably turn out to be FALSE.

Does anyone else feel me on this? Or am I the only one silly enough to admit I'm crazy? I have never liked the unknown. I prefer to have the facts laid out and to make an informed decision. It drive me nuts when I have to wait for someone else to decide because I can't make them choose and I can't make them hurry either. I am not saying these things are good. I can safely say that anything that leads to stress and anxiety is not a good strategy. I am a work in progress and I have agreed to spend this year learning how to relinquish control. I will learn to be a happy passenger and let others drive every once in a while. But, ultimately, I am going to default to the Lord more and to myself less.

Tis Better to Give...

You know how there are times when you hear something for the first time and then suddenly it is everywhere you look? Certainly it couldn't have always been there. I am keen, and observant, if it were floating around out there so loosely and unabashedly then I would have heard it long before now. Right?

OK, well this happened with the story called "The Gift of the Magi". Around here we watch a lot of Disney movies and specials. A few weeks ago, Disney started their holiday plug and now they shamelessly and mercilessly play all Christmas, all the time. I happened to catch a very special presentation of "Once Upon a Christmas", which is a collection of short story videos. One of which is a story about Mickey and Minnie trading presents called "Mickey and Minnie's Gift of the Magi". I thought the story was touching but I thought nothing more of it. Then, last week, Luke's MDO sent home a newsletter with a section dedicated to the retelling of "The Gift of the Magi". Weird. And then this week, on Glee, my Glee friends also referenced "The Gift of the Magi". Three times in as many weeks. I got the hint. So I looked up the story. And I was moved. Here is the Cliffs Notes version (in my words):

A young married couple are very much in love. They are excited about Christmas and the gifts they will get each other. The girl has long, beautiful hair that is her prized possession. The man has a pocket watch that has been in the family for ages. In essence, they both have this one thing that they cherish. Well, the young man gets a 30% salary decrease right before the holidays and the savings have gone dry. However, both still long to get their love the most meaningful present in the world to show their thanks and love and appreciation. The young wife wants to buy a chain for her husband's beloved watch. But to buy it, she must cut off her lovely hair to sell it to make wigs. She does this willingly. The husband has found his wife the most lovely tortoiseshell hair clips to adorn the hair she loves so much. But as payment, he has to sell his favorite heirloom, the pocket watch.

Both people sacrificed the thing the thing they valued for the one they valued most. It was a sacrifice gladly made. It was a selfless act that ended with both understanding the depths of the other's love. It was the gift that probably started, "it was the thought that counts". The actual gift was useless, but the thought was priceless.

I loved this story. It touched my heart. It is a time of recession and money is tight. I know this is true for me, but also for my family. And Christmas often turns in to how much to buy within what spending limit. I love that these two fictional people got it right. They bought their gifts with the motivation to show love and bought them with a price so selfless and sweet. This season is about the people you share it with, in person or in spirit.

So, I am sharing this story in case some one else out there hasn't heard it. But maybe I'm the only one. It does seem to be in the culture zeitgeist and I was too unaware to catch it before now. Anyway, let this story speak to you and move you.

Voice of Truth

It seems like it has been a while since I added my two sense on this
blog page, and I have missed it. Since my last post I have had so much
life happen. My schedule this semester keeps me moving and shaking and
without much time for anything that would be considered leisurely or
fun. Thankfully, my semester is nearly over and I can taste the fresh
air in my lungs that will come with getting to stop and breathe again.
It has been a long journey to becoming a teacher but the road is
becoming so much shorter and brighter. I have to remind myself to keep
on keeping on.

Other things have been happening as well. I have put my fragile heart
through the ringer. It has survived, but I do admit that it still
hurts. Opening yourself up to relationships and trusting others means
making yourself vulnerable and risking getting hurt and disappointed.
Is it better to guard your heart and never have it known? Or to open
it up and let someone all the way in? I don't know what is best but I
know that I am one of those latter people who lives with her heart on
her sleeve and her emotions on her face. So I tell you all that I have
been really sad. And mad. And hurt. This week I have been flirting
with anger and frustration. I have felt deep emotions in response to
being in uncomfortable waters and uncontrollable situations. This too
shall pass.

But then a crazy thing happened. I started to pray. And not for this
thing or that thing, but for God to just do His thing. I didn't want
direction but a revelation, of who He was and what He was making me to
be. In every persons life there are moments when we decide what to do
and be. We choose to be happy in pain, to rejoice in sadness, to keep
trying when it gets hard or to listen instead of talk. I have decided
to stop trying to force my will and be a willing participant of His
instead. Its going to happen anyway, so why fight it?

Lately, I have felt more of a peace about the things that are going on
inside and outside of me. I wouldn't say that I always love them, or
like them, but I have found a space where I can relax and let them
just be. Not looking for a way out but seeing what there is to see
within them and through them. I would say it has helped. I I want to
know what tomorrow brings and where it will take me. But I can't. I
just know where I am today and, if I am asking, where I am meant to be
today. If I focus on that, and take baby steps, then I will end up
exactly where I am meant to be.

These things I think I need, I don't. I always seem to get exactly
what I need. So if it isn't coming, its because I don't need it. At
least, not right now. This is a hard lesson. Especially for this type
A girl. But I am telling you this to say that I am feeling confident
in my future and the path I know I am on. I am meant to be here and I
sense it is leading me to something big and wonderful. Now I just need
to trust that and enjoy the process of getting from here to there. I'm
trying. Day by precious day. To be in THIS moment. Right now. Not
reliving yesterday or hoping for tomorrow but finding the treasures in
the present.