Just Keep Swimming, Just Keep Swimming!

Where are in the thick of summer, in Houston, which means it is hot, hot, HOT! Luckily, we have the best solution to summer heat right in our own backyard. I stated at the beginning of the summer that my goal was to swim everyday. And thus far it has been a near perfect record. We have enjoyed many hours beside the pool, soaking up the scorching sun and splashing in the water.

If you recall, last spring Luke was taking swim lessons. He did average for his age. Sometime this spring he received a new life jacket and his confidence was immediately boosted. From that point on he was unstoppable. My son is a swimmer folks. He can kick, float, put his face in the water and then come back up for air. It is a remarkable change from last summer and a welcome one.

I love the confidence he is expressing in his new abilities. you can see it in his face and his countenance that he loves challenging himself. Now my goal is to let that baby boy soar as high as he can. As a mother it is so easy to think of the ways that he might hurt himself. And there are times when my every impulse is to pull him back and keep him safe. But what is the fun in that? How can he learn to explore and test the limits with my death grip around his arm? Granted, he is 2, so limits are being tested everyday in every way. And while this is annoying and occasionally ends in timeouts, it can also serve to develop that part of his character that I was missing. It took me many years to learn to let go and take risks. If he can learn this lesson early, so many more doors and experiences become his to enjoy. So, I cautiously loosen the reigns and let him be a little boy. His excitement stretches to his fingertips and his joy is evident on his face.

And this is evident when he swims. He wants everyone to see and to watch. He is proud of himself for trying and succeeding... a little more every time. What a fun way to watch someone grow up. So we are swimming, A LOT! It has become our favorite summer activity. So if you can't find us, we are probably outside, diving and sliding and making waves.

Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?

There has been a theme for this week that revolves around being in want/or need and what to do when that want or need is not met. What do you make of that? I know several people who are going through something hard in their life that does not register as happy-making on the feelings scale. In fact, some of these situations are producing some major pain, heartache, disappointment and confusion. And these are situations without human answers, things that make you say "hmmm". As a person who is a problem solver in her inner core, this lack of answers does not resonate well for me. I want to locate a solution and make it happen. I need to connect A to B so that it equals PEACE. Therefore, I am hurting alongside those who hurt this week and I am questioning with you and for you.

I know this is not foreign to many of you but God gives and He takes away. No one likes to focus on that last part because we see God as someone who loves and cares for us. Why then does He not give us the things we want? Even His word says that he longs to give us the desires of our hearts. So why am I watching my friends and family grieve for the closed doors and windows in their life? Shouldn't those that are faithful get the things that they desire most?

Well they certainly would if this were a 30 minute sitcom or if God were a Zoltar machine that spit out granted wishes. But this is REAL life and answers are not always visible to the naked eye. I firmly believe that God wants our desires to be His desires and vice versa. And when that happens then He wants to give those things to us. But they have to match. It's like a giant game of Memory. When the two images match then you get to keep the cards. Still, it hurts something fierce to be denied the things we really want. That gets taught at age 2 when you want every toy on the toy aisle and you hear the dreaded word "NO!". It shatters us. Because we think we deserve to get it all. Because if they loved you, you would. Really? Here is a song I found this week that I have heard many times but echoed deeper and wider this week because I was wrestling through these thoughts.

Send some rain, would You send some rain?

'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again

And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade

Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?

Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down

Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid

But maybe not, not today

Maybe You'll provide in other ways

And if that's the case . . .

We'll give thanks to You With gratitude

For lessons learned in how to thirst for You

How to bless the very sun that warms our face

If You never send us rain

Daily bread, give us daily bread

Bless our bodies, keep our children fed

Fill our cups, then fill them up again tonight

Wrap us up and warm us through

Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs

Let us slumber safe from danger's view this time

Or maybe not, not today

Maybe You'll provide in other ways

And if that's the case . . .
We'll give thanks to You With gratitude

A lesson learned to hunger after You

That a starry sky offers a better view if no roof is overhead

And if we never taste that bread

Oh, the differences that often are between

What we want and what we really need

So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace

Move our hearts to hear a single beat

Between alibis and enemies tonight

Or maybe not, not today

Peace might be another world away

And if that's the case . . .

We'll give thanks to You With gratitude

For lessons learned in how to trust in You

That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream

In abundance or in need

And if You never grant us peace
But Jesus, would You please . . .

I think the answer here is that we change our focus and our perspective. We learn to take the "no" in life and be grateful for what it may be teaching us. God is the ultimate parent and He doesn't want a spoiled brat of a child any more than we do. So, he shuts a few doors and ignores a few requests and says NO every once in a while. Too bad we can't pick the whens and hows of this. But a friend referred me to Isaiah 55:8-9 this week which says (in paraphrase) that God's ways are higher than our ways and His thoughts are higher than our thoughts. So I guess He has the credentials to handle our every situation. He doesn't need our problem solving skills or even our input. And our tantrum isn't necessary either. But sometimes it does help. Occasionally it can be frustrating. It is what it is. And we can live in the hurt or find beauty in the alternative. I know this is easier said than done. And to those who are hurting, I don't diminish your pain. I write this to make sense of it myself. All this being said, I think it is like the last line of the song... you may not get what you want, or what you think you need... but it never hurts to ask.

***song is "Gratitude" by Nichole Nordeman***

It's Potty Time!

In the life of every child there comes a point where it's time to put on the big boy underpants. For my son, that time is now. You guessed it, it's potty training time. After a pretty rough start things are moving pretty well. I can almost see the finish line now and there are mixed feelings. On the one hand I am pleased that there will be no more diapers, which means no more ridiculous amount of dollars spent on buying said diapers. And yet, this also means that I do not have a baby anymore, but a big boy. It's funny, I can remember Luke as a newborn, but I have forgotten what his fingers felt like and how his skin smelt. All the traces of being a baby are leaving him right along with his dependence on me. And this is a tough pill for a mom to swallow. I like being needed. I may not be Super Mom but I am pretty good at being Luke's mom. To know that there are more and more things that he wants to do himself is bittersweet.

To begin this process we had to introduce the potty as a thing of privilege. It had to be seen as a right of passage. After that we did what any self-respecting parent does and we resorted to bribery to get the job done. Of course, we called it incentives, but still. We started with stickers and then when that didn't work we resorted to candy and then when that lost its appeal we moved to toys. And so far, this is working. However, we are maxed out on the toys and the stash has been depleted. Which means, the time for prizes has run out. From this day forward, the act of using the potty is appreciated and expected, but not rewarded. I suspect that this news will not go over well tomorrow when the applause and cheers are the only reward for a job well done. Let this be a lesson in disappointment.
Which brings me to this: in my everyday struggles and life lessons I too face some disappointments and it never seems to get easier. Whether you are 2 or 20-something, it doesn't feel good to expect something and receive nothing. In my relationships with people, I think I sometimes expect the pat on the backs, the thank yous and the rewards. As someone I know says, " do you want a star or a cookie?". And the truth is that sometimes I do want recognition for a job well done. I want to know that others recognize that I tried and succeeded. Yes, I know that this is not necessarily a good thing that I speak of. I should not do things for recognition. My motive for doing things for others should not be to receive something in return. Then why do I get so annoyed when people don't respond to a kind word, a thoughtful gesture or an act of generosity? It is a good question and one that I am trying to find the answer to as I look within myself.

But what I do know is that sometimes there are tasks or challenges in life that God places in our path to help us "grow up". At times there are definitive moments where He wants us to prove our faithfulness and to show that we are maturing and learning how to walk with Him. And like a child, I sometimes expect an incentive or a reward for my troubles. I search for that trophy that shows the world that I have overcome. But often it is not there. Most of the time the reward is that I get to grow closer to God and depend on Him more. This is an internal and eternal reward. This is worth more than a gold star or a cookie. And eventually I will let this be enough. Eventually I will grow up and learn that this is not a disappointment.

Me and My Lobsters

Have you ever seen the Friends episode where Phoebe calls Ross Rachel's lobster? Well, if you haven't, you should. It's a really good one. The point behind this is that lobsters mate for life and finding the right one is like finding your perfect partner. It is a nice theory. But currently, I do not have a lobster. I am not even in the tank. But I do know what it feels like to have people in your life that "complete you". Even this statement is not entirely accurate, because I don't think anyone can or should complete you. But, it comes to close to what I want to say which is, in summary, that the people in my life are doing a pretty good job of fitting themselves together to form a wonderful picture of love and support around me.

Recently, I have been attending a Bible Study where we discussed the church as a body. In this study we talked about how everyone plays there own part in the larger whole. One is the arm, one is the knee, or the eyebrow... well you get it. And every person has a function that sets them apart from the others. Separate but equal. And I like this metaphor... A LOT. I think I like it because it represents that we are not alone. We are part of a larger body. And what is more is that it brings to the forefront that we are not meant to be alone. An arm by itself can not do anything, it is just a creepy appendage without use. But put it on the body and it holds a hand, swings a bat, cooks a meal, saves a life.

There is no doubt that I am what you would call a "people person". In fact someone told me yesterday that I get energized by other people. And this is a truth. A life without people just would not do. Do I sometimes get annoyed or irritated with these people in my life? Absolutely. But should I have the misfortune of being stranded on an island, all alone, I do not think I would stay sane for long. And what I love about this "body" analogy is that it can also be used to describe me and my life. If I were the body, then these people in my life make up the pieces of me. Now, we could get spiritual here and say, God is the essence of me. This is a true statement. But, I also think these people in my life are not here by accident. They are here for a reason and they are all individual ingredients to this delicious dish (thats right, I just called myself a dish). So, in honor of my friends and family, those people who I depend on, I want to acknowledge the role you play in my life. (this is by no means an exhaustive list)

Mom - you are my conscience. you always steer me in a direction that seems solid and safe. sometimes we agree on the course, and sometimes not. but you are there to guide without fail.

Dad - you are my heartbeat. there has never been a time when you were not steady and constant. I can always count on you to bring me back to equilibrium.

Sister - you are my breath. you keep me going, you warm me up, you are there when I am strained, excited or in need of peace.

Luke- you are my heart. you bring everything together for me. i feel your presence in all i do.

Sara - you are my eyes. i have seen so much life, humor and love through you. you have shown me friendship and beauty.

Cohorts - you are my funny bone. this is an essential piece of me. you keep me from taking myself too seriously.

Carly/Jacob - you are my ears. you have taught me so much about listening to the needs of others and going where you are needed. you have helped me to hear what i needed to hear when it mattered most.

Brook - you are my neck. you hold me up when i feel downcast. you help me to keep my chin up and my eyes on the prize. you are a great support.

Lars - you are my arm. you keep me reaching for more. you have taught me to be of use and to serve.

LeeLu - you are my mouth. i have loved every second of sharing my story and my life with you. you keep me laughing, sharing and speaking the truth.

Josh - you are my brain. you help me to sort things out and think things through. you have helped me realize there is a time to laugh, a time to cry, a time to lead and a time to follow.

Jeremy - you are my feet. you challenge me to go and be in the mix, not on the sidelines. you keep me on my toes and ready for movement.

Sylvia- you are my hands. you have taught me how to reach out and embrace life and to use what i have to make something beautiful. you have shown me to hold on to whats important and to find things to create and enjoy.

Jerry - you are my spine. you are always there when i need you. you bend over backwards to help keep me in line.

Jason - you are my stomach. sometimes you get me worked up, sometimes you get me laughing hysterically but you are an important piece. you have helped me "digest" the things of this life.

Of course there are more, but this list is getting long and my eyes and fingers are getting tired. If you are part of my life, you are an essential piece of me. If you know that you are loved by me, then know that you are part of what makes me who I am. I am grateful for you and I have humble gratitude for the kindness you show me in so many ways. Thanks to all.

It's All About Them Words

Some people say that I have a way with words. And while I take this compliment and tuck it in my pocket, I do not always agree. But what I can say is that I love words. I love to rhyme them and sing them and write them and speak them to anyone who will listen. I think there is a power in words that can transform you, disarm you or destroy you.

Some words are full of a hope that can't be contained:
" When peace like a river, ascendeth my way. When sorrow like sea billows roll. Whatever my lot, Tho has taught me to say: It is well, It is well with my soul".

Some words are full of a pain so real that you can almost taste it:
" I remember whispering to you in the moments right before your final "ohhh" sound - I will hold to those promises for the rest of my life. "

Some words are said without thought, but you remember forever:
" You have the biggest arms on a girl that I have ever seen".

Some words bring you back to a moment in time:
" With this ring, I, thee, wed. "

Some words make you laugh until you can't see straight:
" We're the 3 best friends that anyone can have. Oh we're the 3 best friends that anyone can have..."

Some words are shared in a special moment and become a secret language:
"Cool as in neat, or cool as in greasy?", " You never do that.", " We braid hair."

There are times when I have heard the words:
" I just don't like you" or "Not everything is about you" and I literally felt wounded.

And then there are times when someone has said:
"You're a favorite", " I appreciate you" or "I love you" and everything makes sense again.

There was a time when what I wanted to hear was "it's going to be ok" and "we support you". But my true friends told me what I needed to hear instead, which was " I love you, but you're wrong". And this changed the path I walked and led me here.

I have loved reading the words my friends have written on their blogs and thoroughly enjoyed hearing their voice in the words they have chosen. I could tell you in a second which blog was Sara's or Beth's just by listening to the cadence of their words and they beauty and humor they infuse in them.

I can easily break into tears watching TV because of the words that are shared between two people in an emotionally charged moment. I feel it, because I can tell that they mean it. And maybe, just maybe, I have heard or meant those words before myself.


In my car, I can be transformed from a bad mood to a good mood based on what song is on the radio. I can become less distracted, more present or highly energized by the way a song mixes words with rythym.


My son is learning words and is attempting to make his own sense of them. Sometimes this translates into words like "stirp" for "stir" or "yarn" for "yawn". But it also comes out in the sweetest ways when he says: "It's a nice day" or "you look pretty".


There is so much that we say with words and so much that we hear in the words being said to us. I can spend hours practicing the words I want to use for an important conversation. I plan it out and edit the dialogue until I know it is flawless. But I tend to speak before I think when it matters most. And this is a bad, bad habit. Because clearly, this post is about the magnificence of words and the effect that they can have. Obviously words can and do break a few "bones" every now and then. But a perfectly timed word, said in the most sincere of ways can also make a day, a week or a moment.


p.s. if I used your words in this blog - and you know who you are - thanks for the inspiration and I hope you don't mind my plagarism.

Taking it All in

"Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." - Ferris Bueller

I know it has been awhile since last I used these fingers to type a blog. I offer no excuses. Except maybe this one: I have been INSANELY busy. When you have school, work, exercise, mothering, church and social activities to jam into your calendar you can't see the sky for all the balls you have in the air. This has been me in the last month. I have loved every second of this new schedule but it has left me drained and deflated a number of times. There are days when I carely make it to the bed before crashing out, and this is at the ripe old hour of 9 o' clock. God has breathed new life into me and I am enjoying the people and things around me to the utmost.

Summer has brought heat, sweat and many reasons to SWIM! My little guy is a regular water bug this time around. Swimming has become a daily occurence, which is good since it is a free activity. And then there was finals, followed two days later with a week long trip to Mexico. We came back tan and rested. And now that this Memorial Day weekend has passed I have one more week of summer fun before starting work and summer classes. Like I said, things move pretty fast. But what a ride it is.

In the next couple of days I hope to find the time to write about our trip and a few other thoughts that are on my mind. There are a couple of topics that I have been dying to write about. So, while these are my parting words for tonight, there are many more diatribes to come.

It's good to be back my friends and I am excited to find my blogging groove again. Thanks for hanging with me. If you are still reading these words, let me know. Sometimes it feels like I write this for myself. Which is fine if that is the case. A little verbal dissection can bring much clarity.

Friends in Low Places... (and high places and everything in between)

Some of you may not believe this, but I wasn't always the fun-loving, easy going person that I feel like I am most days. Once upon a time I was self-conscious and reserved and somewhat skeptical about people. You see, I had the worst thing ever happen to me when I was in 7th grade... I moved. And as any middle school child can tell you this meant social suicide. I was sad and angry and many other negative emotions. But, on that first day of school, in 8th grade, I found myself nervously walking to my first period class (I think it was math). At the beginning of class I was the new kid with braces and a Twist-A-Nerd pen that my mom gave me to make me laugh. By the end of that class, I was still all those things but I also had the beginnings of a new friendship. By the end of that year, I had the best friend I could ever have asked for. She is, amazingly, still my best friend today - 16 years later. And this was not an accident. This is how God works, not fate. God takes a "terrible" situation and makes it good. In fact, sometimes the purpose of the terrible situation is to lead us to this land of good, and sometimes better.

I have been blessed to have wonderful friends throughout my life. In my head, I categorize them into groups: college, terranova and CYS. If you know me, and consider yourself a friend, you likely fit into one of these groups. Some are cross reference friends and some were once dear but now distant. Like the saying goes: some friends are here for a season or just a reason. Whatever the length or depth of these friendships, they have all served a great purpose.

My college friends were with me when I truly found myself and started to actually like myself. These friends were there when I poured my foundation of salvation and built a faith on it, brick by heavy brick. Most of these people are still my biggest cheerleaders and allies. These are my go-to girls. No matter how long it has been, I can still share my heart completely with them and know it will be received.

My terranova friends have seen the rise and fall of my life in the front row seats. They have known me intimately through the changing of my many hats and stayed steadfast in their love and support. In my darkest hours, they have been brave enough to speak the truth. And while it hurt, it also made me believe in something bigger than myself and my professions of faith. These words of love showed me how to trust and depend on God.

And now, I have new CYS friends and they are just getting to know me. A lot of them don't know the facts of my past or the reasons why I am the way I am, but they are taking the time to find out. I came to them very broken and lonely, but also very willing to heal and step into that deep-end of new beginnings. What I have found with them is mercy and acceptance and genuine care. I am learning to let them in and to speak the truth in all things.

In all of these circles I have grown and learned how to be a true friend. I am blessed to know all of these people and feel honored to carry the evidence of a friendship with you in the person I am and the way that I live my life. Too often I think I have things figured out or summed up and I rely on my limited wisdom and confidence to get me through. But when it really counts, my friends have always risen to the challenge and showed their true colors. I recently found old albums and scrapbooks and looking back I see a life that was touched by others in the most remarkable way and it has made me glad in my heart. I had to tell you, as many of you read this, and the blogger world that I am better for having had you in my life. Many thanks.



And to my sister: who falls in every category and then some... you are a rock in my life and an anchor to my crazy emotions. You know me and love me in everything. You are the most hilarious person I know. Even though there are oceans of differences between us and the people we are, you are my greatest friend. You were obligated to love me based on your birth and blood, but you have chosen to love me as a friend. My heart is with you.