Ok. It has been a while since I did an actual post, and not a Listamania. But, because my misery loves verbiage, I now find myself with reason to write. A few months ago, I did something really great. I opened my heart up again to the idea of love and I entered in to a relationship. It was my first time since the divorce and I was cautiously optimistic. I felt really great about it. And I was happy. But, as these things sometimes do, it ended. The end was unforeseen and unprepared for, but still it came. Very recently, I found myself at the end of something that I was profoundly proud of. My heart is limping towards acceptance as we speak. But, I am not broken and I am not crushed. I may be slightly bruised, but better for the trouble. You see, while I may not like where it led me, the most important part was the journey. I felt things I had not felt in a long time. I trusted and laughed and shared life with someone in a way that felt truly spectacular. And it was a connection that I will forever be grateful for because it taught me what it looks like to have God in a relationship. This person will always be in my heart for encouraging, supporting and serving me in a way that helped me understand Christian love more fully.
Break ups are always hard. I have never had one that wasn't. But I can honestly say that I feel truly blessed in the midst of my mending. I had real feelings, great conversations and a ton of fun. How refreshing to be in that space again, if only for a bit. Through this I learned that it is ok to open up and let people in again. Actually, it is better than ok. Life is about taking chances and stepping out in faith. Part of that is risking pain for the opportunity to find something remarkable. Does it always happen? No. But it is almost always worth the shot. I am sad to see this chapter closing. But if I have learned nothing else in my short life, I have learned that God gives and takes away. He wounds and He heals. But He is also the same yesterday, today and forever. God never lets go. He will sustain me through the wilderness of life and lead me to lie down in green pastures. He is always good. These are my truths. It has taken me a while to collect them. But they have never failed me. And I do not expect them to start now. I am rejoicing in this chance to trust God and show my faith in His ways.
I want to share a poem I wrote about breaking up. It was written many, many years ago - in a whole different phase of my life. I don't know why I want to share this, since it has nothing to do with the person or circumstance I referred to in this post. But it somehow seemed fitting for today.
Oh what I would give for one more chance
to see the magic in your glance
right before you kissed my lips
with my hair around your fingertips.
What wouldn't I do for a final embrace?
That look of perfection upon your face.
As you hold my hand and catch my eye,
right before you say "good-bye".
A spoken truth of yet to comes,
implying that we're not yet done.
Yet, all to soon I begin to see
the brutal truth of this reality.
Try as I may to plan and to scheme
your mind is already on other things.
I'm not the object of your affection
but you have granted me this one reflection:
no matter the state our relationship is in
you will always consider me a very dear friend.
I guess this friendship will have to suffice
and my wounded heart will pay the price.
As much as I'd like to have your heart
being your friend is the perfect start.
