My Cup Runneth Over

Resolve

2012-01-07T23:31:00.000-06:00

As I was driving today I was thinking about my college years. Next year will be my ten year reunion from college and when I stop and think about that time I am hesitant to call it the best of my years. What I can say is that those years were marked by confidence, self discovery, acceptance and the pursuit of truth. I had very few cares and concerns and the ones I did have were easy and manageable. Since that time I have settled in to myself and have grown accustomed to the me that I am, sometimes even regretably so. In the not so distant past I saw a friend that I haven't spent much time with since college. After seeing this friend, I was told that he had noted that I seemed "hardened" by life. I don't think I can fully agree with that statement but I can say that life has made me wiser, stronger and more determined. The funnel through which I let things pass has grown smaller and my skill at maneuvering it much better. College was a time of paper rock scissor tournaments, late night Whataburger runs and wearing pajamas to class. Since that time my decisions have become tougher, my spectrum of expreiences much broader. I have watched friends deal with the loss of children, the loss of parents, the end of marriages, the uncertainty of emlpoyment and the aftermath of heartache. This past year was an exceptionally challenging one for me. I found myself facing losses and heartaches and disappointments that I was unprepared for. I was stretched as a mother, a friend, a woman and a Christian. I was asked to be there for people in ways that I didn't think I would be able to and to give when I thought I had nothing left in the tank. It was a year for raising bars, setting hopes, starting over, finding footing and facing reality. It was a good year but I think that somewhere along the way I lost myself a little bit. I forgot what was most important and settled for things that felt good and seemed right. I started taking some risks with my emotions and my heart. And in that process I learned that there is a fine balance between guarding your heart and wearing it on your sleeve. Even though I may not have found that balance yet, I know that I am getting closer to knowing what it looks like.

This year, I am looking to make new resolutions. I have deemed this my year of personal improvements. The aim is to be a healthier version of me - mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally. I want to get out of my comfort zone and get active and start moving. I want to feel better about myself and the attitude I present to others. I want to let go of the insecurities and the voices in the head that tell me I'm not enough or too much and just learn to be confident in who I am again. I want to worry less about the how's and why's of life and just accept that God has a plan that is perfect and has my good and His glory as the goal. I want to stop needing validation from others, stop expecting certain actions and words, stop asking what things mean and looking for the hidden meaning and just take things at face value. This year, my hope and prayer is that I can find peace and joy in ALL things and not just put on a happy face. I sense that God has me where He wants me and is on the verge of something big in my life. I am not where I thought I would be or where I had hoped I would be at this time last year. But I can say that I am also stronger. I am wiser. And I am ready to move forward. This post is a promise to myself to let it go and get out of the way of the bigger picture, the master plan, and to stop complaining and just enjoy the ride. Here's to a great year. Obstacles removed, joy returned, lessons learned, steps taken...

Steel Bars

2011-06-11T12:40:00.000-05:00

STEEL BARS by: Jill Phillips

So this is how it feels at the rock bottom of despair
When the house I built comes crashing down
And this is how it feels when I know the man that I say I am
Is not the man that I am when no one's around
This is how it feels to come alive again
And start fighting back to gain control
And this is how it feels to let freedom in
And break these chains that enslave my soul

I refuse to be locked up in here like a prison cell
Where all I ever get is a meal and four walls
I used to be just fine in here but not anymore
Gonna break through these steel bars

So tell me how it feels when the tables start to turn
And you find yourself at the losing end
Tell me how it feels, you're not welcome here
'Cause I'm tired of pain and I'm tired of sin

I won't let you win
I have no doubt
I don't want you in
So get out, get out

That song was introduced to me as a freshman in college. And at the time it resonated with me because of the powerful lyrics about being set free. After all, that was what college was for me. It was a time of truly finding myself and feeling set free from the prison walls of myself and who people expected me to be. Needless to say, in my new found blissful naivety I embraced this song. And then, I forgot it.

This week, I was driving in my car and I was thinking about an idea for a blog and all of a sudden I remembered the words to this song. I couldn't remember the name of the song, or who sang it, but I let Google do it's magic and within minutes I was listening to the song again. It is ten years and a million life moments later and that song is still getting to me, but in a different sort of way.

Now when I hear it I don't think about freedom, I think about the prison cell and what it took to end up there. And that has got me thinking about some things. In my life, I have had dreams and expectations and hopes for my future. On occasion I have run full force towards these ideas, expending all my energy to overcome the odds and achieve that which is desired. Sometimes this has worked as beautifully and seamlessly as I intended and imagined. But sometimes the things I have wanted and pursued the most have led me to a place I never intended and would not have imagined. You see, for all my scheming and striving I sometimes forget to count the costs or to consider the bigger picture.

Sometimes I get an idea in my head that this one thing, or that one desire will bring me happiness and freedom beyond compare. And in that moment, nothing less will do. I want the best, as we all do, and when I think I've cornered the market on what is best then I set out to acquire it. However, there have been times when the attainment of my desires has led me away from freedom and inside my own steel bars. We can want something so badly that it becomes our focus, our obsession, or our addiction. And then once we get it, it traps us and makes us it's prisoner. This can happen so subtly that we deceive ourselves in to thinking we are still in control. After all, we pursued this beast, we wanted it. And we think, how could something so good be so bad for us.

But sometimes it just is. Sometimes the things that we think will make us happy, end up making us miserable. And sometimes the things we think will set us free, just trap us in to becoming the person we don't recognize.

I have been there. More times than I want to admit. I have been on the other side of steel bars, wondering what happened to my joy and my peace and how I ended up feeling trapped by sin and doubt and pain. And the answer is always that I put myself there by my relentless desire for control and happiness. And in pursuit of that I have abandoned the joy of the Lord, that peace that passes all understanding.

Here is what I know, there is freedom and joy and promises that are mine to own and to claim. And these things are wrapped up in a pursuit of the Lord, not in the pursuit of things, or people, or ideas. If I can respect that, and appreciate that truth then I will avoid becoming a prisoner to my own wants and desires. The truth will set you free. That is a fact. The hard part is knowing your truth and sticking to it and letting that process bring you the freedom and joy you seek in the face of easier and more accessible options.

To listen to the song, go here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JXlV4svITik

Leslie Enchanted

2011-06-08T15:35:00.000-05:00

OK, here is a somewhat embarrassing confession: I want to be a Disney Princess. Anyone will do, I'm not too terribly picky (although, I'm somewhat partial to Belle). It isn't that I envy their money, or their titles, or their clothes or good looks. In fact, I could do without those things if I had the one thing they all have- a prince.

See, I'm not just talking about the fact that they met someone tall, dark and handsome (although that doesn't hurt, certainly). However, those things lose ranking precedence the more I find myself maturing in age. I suppose I am finding that there are plenty more important things than the size of his jeans, the thickness of his hair and the brand of his shoes. What I really want is romance, a full, hearty dose of it.There is nothing as romantic as the feeling of stability, security and dependability. If you can guarantee that those things will exist, forever and always, my love tank will remain perpetually full. If those things are my reality, that's the happiest ending I could hope for.

I think the more accurate thing to say is that I want the pursuit. Let me clarify that I do want a Prince, someday. Eventually. But I don't just want anyone. I want a Prince that will pursue me. Who will fight the dragon, climb the tower, travel far distances, and look like a fool for me. My heart has always wanted this kind of wanting. And deep down, or not so deep down, I believe every woman wants someone who is willing to fight to stand by her side and have her hand to hold. I admit that I have not found this yet. I was close on a few occasions, but not quite there. And at the time, I don't think I fully realized just how important the chase was for me. And not just the initial chase, but the continued chase. The one that says I got you and now I will do whatever it takes to keep you. I'm referring to the lifelong chase.

It is in this way that I am envious of the Disney Princess. Because they have a Prince who shows up, every time, and does what it takes to awaken her heart and make her his princess. Sometimes all this takes is one single kiss (Snow White), but sometimes it requires fighting an underwater octopus queen (Little Mermaid), or scouring a whole town for the one that got away (Cinderella) or learning how to be the best version of yourself (Beauty and the Beast). This kind of love is what my heart longs for and I hope that one day that sort of prince will come. But, if not, I am confident that my story will still have a happy ending. My heart is spoken for no matter what, by One that never lets me down and always fights and intercedes on my behalf. And even I am learning how to fight for myself in this way. I am figuring out how to defend the things that I value about myself against the lies and tricks of those who try to steal it.

Music Monday #1 - G. DeGraw

2011-05-30T19:47:00.000-05:00

Ok, I'm starting a new thing, Music Monday. I love music and it gets me through quite a bit. It always seems I can find a song that resonates with how I am thinking and feeling and I feel validated. And transformed. So, I want to share some of the gems that I love and the new stuff I've found. To start, I found this song by Gavin DeGraw called, Not Over You. It is the new single from his upcoming album, Sweeter. I know that Gavin DeGraw is old school and probably became uncool about the same time that One Tree Hill and the CW did. BUT, I love Gavin DeGraw music (and OTH too) and I'm excited about whats to come. So... here is the link to the new song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQDc3bhGQP8

And, since I feel this is my one forum to share Gavin music, here are two more songs that I like. One is Stay, from the album Free.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eM61MusOE7g

And the other is Glass, also from the album Free. I think this is an absolutely beautiful song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_0DxKDx2H4Q&feature=related

Ok, thats enough of the Gavin hour. Have a listen if you want, or just skip it altogether.

Turn, Turn, Turn

2011-05-27T22:12:00.000-05:00

It has been a while since posted anything of substance on this blog. In these last few months I have been experiencing the extremes of my emotions. I have been to both incredible highs and seemingly unbearable lows and all the pit stops in between. While I wouldn't say that it has been one giant hay ride of excitement, I can say that it has led me here, smack dab in the place I am meant to be and I've come to grips with the fact that that is alright. It is just right enough I should say, because some days, to be honest, alright seems a bit less than hoped for and a bit more than I can handle.

You see, like many of you, I had something and I lost it. There are more details and feelings involved, but these are the gists. These are my simple truths. I had something that was important to me and for all the wanting and waiting and wondering that I reserved for it, it wasn't right. And in the end, I lost it. It left. And I was not the same. I felt broken and empty and utterly without. It was one of those things that felt absolutely right, but still one hundred percent sucky. Ever have one of those? I mean, I felt the suckiness down to my core and I was not happy about it. In fact, I spent a little bit of time being down right pissed off that I had to deal with disappointment, yet again. I was furious that the God I love and trust did not see fit to give me what I wanted this time. Because I was arrogant enough to think that I had been through enough, I had paid my dues and it was time that something good happened to me, something that I wanted and planned for. But that did not happen. I opened my hand to receive the gifts and walked away with it empty despite my prayers and despite my longings. That did not seem right. Or just. Or fair. So I got a serious case of the mopes. It was bad. And I do not feign pride at the thoughts and prayers of my heart at that time.

However, I got through it. The leaving happened in stages, it took it's sweet time with the final good bye but it did eventually leave. And the hole that once was became something different. I can't fully say that it is better yet, but I trust that we are on our way to that place. The truth is, that hole is still becoming. It has not achieved finality yet. But the weight is lifting. It is amazing how much freedom and unburdening accompany perspective and clarity.

This life, and the things in it, have seasons. Everything ebbs and flows, it wanes and waxes to become what it needs to be when the timing is right and the circumstances allow it. There is a rhyme and reason to these circumstances, but they are always changing. So what seems right today, may not be so right tomorrow. Those perfect fits, may turn out to be not so perfect down the road. I am experiencing a bit of that right now. Some relationships in my life are experiencing an evolution of seasons and I can not quite understand the hows and whys. What I know is that things are different and the level of my investment has changed as well. I find this fact unsettling because it is not a change that I want, at all. And I can not come to grasp with the feelings that this evolution is creating. I understand that friends come and go. I have had more than my share of friends who came, and were dearly loved, and then left, and were missed. I know it happens. And sometimes this feels completely natural and you ride it out and do what it takes to let it go and move on. But sometimes it does not and you fight it. And you hope that things will carry on as usual... for the foreseeable future. And maybe it will. But also, maybe it won't.

Things do eventually play themselves out. The movie ends, the CD restarts, the curtain closes, and we move on. Sometimes we outgrow the things we love and we have to find something that fits a little better with where we are at right now. If we are lucky, the things we really love find a way back to us, somehow. But I have a scrapbook (or two) filled with people and places that have cycled out and relegated themselves to wonderful memories, instead of current realities. And that is ok. I loved them when I had them, and I appreciate them for what they were to me.

I guess I am writing this somewhat confusing blog to try and understand my place in my life right now. I feel slightly lost and slightly askew in a time when I thought I knew where I was going and what I wanted. I am readjusting and reshuffling and I feel like I am losing some important things in that process. Things that I am afraid I won't get back. Things that I am not ready to give up without a fight. I know what will be will eventually be. And I am not arrogant enough to think I can change that. However, every season of life has its good and bad things, the perks and the pratfalls. While I sense that a new season is looming, I fins myself clinging to those things that are good and hoping that they can remain, a little while longer, so that I may enjoy them to the full.

Wait for It

2011-02-05T11:08:00.000-06:00

I have much to say. And its been a while since I said it. But wait for it, because it is coming. And coming soon. Real soon.

Who's got the keys to the Jeep?

2011-01-03T16:05:00.000-06:00

Has it really been a month since I last posted? Yikes. Where have I been? I have been fully immersed in the Christmas hoopla and the bliss of being in a new relationship. Well, an old/new relationship. It has been a wonderful holiday season and I have found myself jumping from joy to joy and smile to smile. But the holidays are now over. The trappings have been boxed up and stored away for another year. And life continues on.

Someone I know used to tell me that I was crazy. I used to think this was offensive. In fact, I recall getting very upset at this remark a time or two. But, the older I get, the more I find this statement to be true. At least slightly true. And... I find that I have less cause to deny and more reasons to just embrace it. Now, when I say crazy I DO NOT mean in the stalk you outside your window, ranting and raving kind of way. What I mean is that sometimes I get so caught up in the world inside my head that it effects my reality.

Let me clarify again. I am not delusional and I am certain that I have just the one personality and identity. But... these expectations and ideas of mine get pretty lodged in to my brain and they settle right on in. So, should the actual events of my life not match what I had predetermined would and should happen then things get a little dicey. I start overanalyzing and overthinking, which leads to being overwhelmed and it is just too much. On a good day, I can see, with clarity, the irrationality of all of this. And I sometimes even lay these ideas down and seek the the will of God. And still other times I find that I can not let go of my expectations. This is a horrible habit by the way. I do not recommend it.

I too easily fall in to the habit of second guessing. You know: "why did she say this?, "why didn't he do that?", "did he do this because he thinks this?" or "what if she said this but really meant that?". It is exhausting just typing it. And utterly ridiculous to boot. It is... CRAZY. It is me trying to make sense of a world that does not fit inside my box. It is me trying to guess the hows and whys of people and their actions. All this guess work leads to empty assumptions (and we all know what happens when one assumes) which lead to disappointments when those assumptions inevitably turn out to be FALSE.

Does anyone else feel me on this? Or am I the only one silly enough to admit I'm crazy? I have never liked the unknown. I prefer to have the facts laid out and to make an informed decision. It drive me nuts when I have to wait for someone else to decide because I can't make them choose and I can't make them hurry either. I am not saying these things are good. I can safely say that anything that leads to stress and anxiety is not a good strategy. I am a work in progress and I have agreed to spend this year learning how to relinquish control. I will learn to be a happy passenger and let others drive every once in a while. But, ultimately, I am going to default to the Lord more and to myself less.

Tis Better to Give...

2010-12-08T23:09:00.000-06:00

You know how there are times when you hear something for the first time and then suddenly it is everywhere you look? Certainly it couldn't have always been there. I am keen, and observant, if it were floating around out there so loosely and unabashedly then I would have heard it long before now. Right?

OK, well this happened with the story called "The Gift of the Magi". Around here we watch a lot of Disney movies and specials. A few weeks ago, Disney started their holiday plug and now they shamelessly and mercilessly play all Christmas, all the time. I happened to catch a very special presentation of "Once Upon a Christmas", which is a collection of short story videos. One of which is a story about Mickey and Minnie trading presents called "Mickey and Minnie's Gift of the Magi". I thought the story was touching but I thought nothing more of it. Then, last week, Luke's MDO sent home a newsletter with a section dedicated to the retelling of "The Gift of the Magi". Weird. And then this week, on Glee, my Glee friends also referenced "The Gift of the Magi". Three times in as many weeks. I got the hint. So I looked up the story. And I was moved. Here is the Cliffs Notes version (in my words):

A young married couple are very much in love. They are excited about Christmas and the gifts they will get each other. The girl has long, beautiful hair that is her prized possession. The man has a pocket watch that has been in the family for ages. In essence, they both have this one thing that they cherish. Well, the young man gets a 30% salary decrease right before the holidays and the savings have gone dry. However, both still long to get their love the most meaningful present in the world to show their thanks and love and appreciation. The young wife wants to buy a chain for her husband's beloved watch. But to buy it, she must cut off her lovely hair to sell it to make wigs. She does this willingly. The husband has found his wife the most lovely tortoiseshell hair clips to adorn the hair she loves so much. But as payment, he has to sell his favorite heirloom, the pocket watch.

Both people sacrificed the thing the thing they valued for the one they valued most. It was a sacrifice gladly made. It was a selfless act that ended with both understanding the depths of the other's love. It was the gift that probably started, "it was the thought that counts". The actual gift was useless, but the thought was priceless.

I loved this story. It touched my heart. It is a time of recession and money is tight. I know this is true for me, but also for my family. And Christmas often turns in to how much to buy within what spending limit. I love that these two fictional people got it right. They bought their gifts with the motivation to show love and bought them with a price so selfless and sweet. This season is about the people you share it with, in person or in spirit.

So, I am sharing this story in case some one else out there hasn't heard it. But maybe I'm the only one. It does seem to be in the culture zeitgeist and I was too unaware to catch it before now. Anyway, let this story speak to you and move you.

Voice of Truth

2010-12-07T14:10:00.001-06:00

It seems like it has been a while since I added my two sense on this
blog page, and I have missed it. Since my last post I have had so much
life happen. My schedule this semester keeps me moving and shaking and
without much time for anything that would be considered leisurely or
fun. Thankfully, my semester is nearly over and I can taste the fresh
air in my lungs that will come with getting to stop and breathe again.
It has been a long journey to becoming a teacher but the road is
becoming so much shorter and brighter. I have to remind myself to keep
on keeping on.

Other things have been happening as well. I have put my fragile heart
through the ringer. It has survived, but I do admit that it still
hurts. Opening yourself up to relationships and trusting others means
making yourself vulnerable and risking getting hurt and disappointed.
Is it better to guard your heart and never have it known? Or to open
it up and let someone all the way in? I don't know what is best but I
know that I am one of those latter people who lives with her heart on
her sleeve and her emotions on her face. So I tell you all that I have
been really sad. And mad. And hurt. This week I have been flirting
with anger and frustration. I have felt deep emotions in response to
being in uncomfortable waters and uncontrollable situations. This too
shall pass.

But then a crazy thing happened. I started to pray. And not for this
thing or that thing, but for God to just do His thing. I didn't want
direction but a revelation, of who He was and what He was making me to
be. In every persons life there are moments when we decide what to do
and be. We choose to be happy in pain, to rejoice in sadness, to keep
trying when it gets hard or to listen instead of talk. I have decided
to stop trying to force my will and be a willing participant of His
instead. Its going to happen anyway, so why fight it?

Lately, I have felt more of a peace about the things that are going on
inside and outside of me. I wouldn't say that I always love them, or
like them, but I have found a space where I can relax and let them
just be. Not looking for a way out but seeing what there is to see
within them and through them. I would say it has helped. I I want to
know what tomorrow brings and where it will take me. But I can't. I
just know where I am today and, if I am asking, where I am meant to be
today. If I focus on that, and take baby steps, then I will end up
exactly where I am meant to be.

These things I think I need, I don't. I always seem to get exactly
what I need. So if it isn't coming, its because I don't need it. At
least, not right now. This is a hard lesson. Especially for this type
A girl. But I am telling you this to say that I am feeling confident
in my future and the path I know I am on. I am meant to be here and I
sense it is leading me to something big and wonderful. Now I just need
to trust that and enjoy the process of getting from here to there. I'm
trying. Day by precious day. To be in THIS moment. Right now. Not
reliving yesterday or hoping for tomorrow but finding the treasures in
the present.

Listamania12.0

2010-11-25T00:39:00.000-06:00

It is techinically Thanksgiving Day, and I am unable to sleep. Part of that reason is because I took a 3 hour nap today, and the other part is the fact that I can't stop thinking about everything I am thankful for. Thanksgiving is about expressing gratitude afterall. It is a day for food, fun and family. And it is a celebration of the good things in our life. I can think of know other more appropriate list, on this day of thanks giving, than a list of all the things I am thankful for today (in no particular order):

1) A son that I am over the moon for
2) Parents that love and support me no matter what
3) A sister that always has my back, even when I don't ask
4) A church home that feels like home
5) Old friends that still care what I am up to
6) New friends to fellowship and share life with
7) Best friends that know me so well that I don't have to pretend to be better than I am and they still love me
8)My relationship with Jesus that keeps growing and changing
9) Talents to use and a ministry to use them in
10) The healing of old wounds
11) The challenge of new wounds
12) Books to read and challenge my mind
13) A job that I really enjoy
14) An opportunity to go back to school and pursue a new dream
15) Family that I can celebrate life with
16) Music
17) Love
18) Hope
19) Joy in all things
20) and a peace that passes understanding

There is a lot to be thankful for. These are the highlights. If I went in to specifics we could be here all day. And that just wouldnt do because I have some sleep to get, some food to eat and some games to play. HAPPY THANKSGIVING one and all. Tell someone you know that you are thankful for them today.

Leaving the Kid's Table

2010-11-16T00:13:00.000-06:00

So today was my 30th birthday and I was dreading it. It feels like a momentous milestone that should indicate that I am a "grown up". You know, 30 is the land of adults, where you have to leave that kid stuff behind. But the thing is I am still pretty much a kid in some areas. In some ways, I feel like I am growing in to a woman. I have more confidence, more boldness and more gumption than I did in my youth. I am more certain of what I want, more in tune with what I need and more aware of the difference. I care less about what people think than I used to, which turns out to be pretty freeing. Some things do get better with age. I will concede that. This year has taught me more about what it looks like to have character, devotion and faith. This year has shown me how to find joy in the small things, the hard things, the good things and the bad. I have learned how to take things day by day and to allow for mistakes in myself and others. I have learned what grace looks like and what hope feels like. It has been a great year. One that changed my life actually. The people I met this year have become my family. I can only pray that this upcoming year is a mere echo of the joy and peace I found this last year. I should consider myself blessed to have a fraction of the love and laughter I have had over the last year. For all of those who have seen me through this year, thank you from the bottom of my heart for loving the me I was and helping me become the me I am.

For this year, I would like to make some new resolutions. Hopefully, by my 31st birthday, I will have some huge successes and failures to share with everyone. Hopefully, it will have been a life truly lived. A year spent daring to love and dream. So, here are my meager wishes for my 30th year of life:

1) I will read a new book every month, and not just fiction.
2) I will finish school and find a teaching job
3) I will listen more than I talk
4) I will start a savings account and keep a budget
5) I will learn the guitar
6) I will spend less time watching TV
7) I will lose ten pounds
8) I will be jog at least 10 miles a week
9) I will drink more water, and less tea
10) I will have at least 20 scriptures memorized

I guess we will see what this new year holds. I am excited. If it is anything like last year, I can't wait.

Listamania 11.0 - the remix

2010-11-12T01:15:00.000-06:00

Last year, I wrote a blog on my birthday and gave myself some resolutions. You can read the whole blog here: http://goreemom.blogspot.com/2009/11/and-many-more.html, or you can read the cliff's notes version below. I had been at the end of a long and draining year and I was attempting to start fresh and jump in to the deep end of new life. So here was my list:
1. Get better at remembering and acknowledging birthdays
2. Read a new book every month
3. Organize my photos
4. Get a teaching degree
5. Make at least one new girl friend
6. Give blood
7. Lose 10 pounds
8. Learn to french braid
9. Take my son on vacation
10. Start writing again

Monday will be my 30th birthday. Another year has come and gone. And while I am feeling older and wiser, I find it interesting to revisit this list and see where I have come in a year. These were the hopes, dreams and secret wishes of my heart at such a raw place in my life. What a great way to celebrate another year going by. I am so grateful that I experienced a year of movement and life, and not stagnation. I replaced mourning for dancing, weeping for laughing and loneliness with abundant fellowship. I grew in so very many ways. It was a year of finding myself, redefining myself and learning to enjoy myself again.
Looking at the list, I for sure did not do very well at #1, #6 or #8. I didn't even come close to those. Not only did I NOT do #3, but I managed to delete most of the pictures from this last year off of my laptop completely. Major fail.
But... on the flip side, I had some major successes this year too. I am one semester away from getting that teaching certification. I am busting my chops right now and wearing myself ragged to get this done, but it is getting done. And I am proud of that. I was blessed to take my son on two vacations this year, San Antonio and Cozumel. I am so thankful for the time, money and ability to get away and experience new wonders with my little guy. I lost those ten pounds and then twenty more on top of that. I started to write again, and did not stop. Well, maybe I took a few breaks here and there for life to happen but I kept letting those creative juices flow. I blogged, journaled and wrote poetry. It felt nice to put words to the fears, frustrations and desires of my life. And lastly, I did make that new girlfriend. And then I made a few more. I had prayed for fellowship for so long and after many lonely months I began to give up hope of being connected again. But then, I took that step of faith and God provided a church home, family and ministry. It has been a great year because of the people in CYS. They have loved me, accepted me, challenged me and held my hand through some tough times. I am a fuller, more confident and grateful girl because they met me where I was and allowed me to be me. And then they gave me a microphone and let me serve in the only way I know how.

I am blessed beyond measure. My life could not be fuller. Well, it could I guess. Technically. But if it never did, I would have more than I deserve forevermore. Friends. Family. Laughter. Fellowship. Love. Joy. Growth. Wisdom. Strength.... my cup runneth over, everyday.

Knowing that "No" is the way to go. Fo sho.

2010-11-10T00:35:00.001-06:00

The other day I had to make a lesson plan on social skills for my class. We drew topics at random and mine was how to teach children to accept "no". There were some steps that they gave me that included looking someone in the eye, saying "okay" and asking questions later. Seems simple enough right? I have a 3 year old, folks, in my house "no" causes nuclear meltdowns and Oscar-worthy dramatics. And, as it turns out, it doesn't get easier as an adult. Some of us adults are big babies when we don't get our way. I include myself in this pile. I may not throw myself on the stairs and stomp my foot but I have been known to do some pretty dramatic inner monologuing, ranting and even crying.

I have a funny story for you to drive this post home. Last week, after I picked the boy up from school, we were running errands and Luke informed me that he was "starbing" (this is a new word for him so he is "starbing" all the time). He saw a McDonalds out the window and politely asked to go to the store for some chicken nuggets and apples. Because we were headed to Wal Mart, which happens to have a McDonalds in it, I agreed. But when I turned at the light and did not head for the McDonalds he had his eye on, the tears started flowing. I tried to explain that nuggets were forthcoming, but that we would get them in a different location. This did not do the trick. It had to be that McDonalds because that was the one he could see and therefore, it was the only one that existed. It was only when we pulled in to the parking lot and the golden arches came in to view that he stopped crying long enough to exclaim, "ohhhh, they have nuggets here too." And the world made sense again.

Isn't that just like humans to get so narrowly focused on what we want? With limited knowledge comes the belief that what is in front of us, the tangible things in the here and now, are all there is. I want what I can see out of my window. And I want it now, while it is still right in front of me. Because to me, out of sight= out of the realm of possibility. Opportunity missed. Chance lost.

Luke likes to cry when he doesn't get what he wants and he usually gets sent to the stairs for time out. We started this when he was little and he would get told that he had to sit on the stairs until he had calmed down and stopped crying. Now that he is 3, there are greater consequences to being defiant. Now he has an actual time out that is not dependent on whether there are tears or not. But he hasn't quite grasped this yet. He will shout from the stairs, "Mommy, I'm done crying" and expect to be let off the hook. Sometimes he magically stops crying on the way to the stairs or as my mouth says the word "stairs" and he hopes this will keep him from serving his time. But the punishment is for the attitude, not the emotion.

Why can't we get what we want? And why are the authorities in life denying us this joy? That never gets easier to understand. And neither does the fact that simply changing our attitude about it won't make it right. Just because we get strong and wipe our face, doesn't mean the answer becomes "yes". The answer is not dependent upon our reaction to it. I think it is funny that I am meant to teach children how to do this when I am failing at this myself. Maybe if I try looking God in the face, saying "okay" and asking questions later things will get easier for me. At the very least it might save me a trip to the stairs.

Back to Life, Back to Reality

2010-11-09T00:42:00.000-06:00

I feel like I just got slapped in the face. And man, did I need it. It was high time for me to snap out of that funk that I've been existing in. It was a necessary process, but it was made a shade harder by my constant resistance to it. Its not that I enjoyed being sad and irritable and sensitive. I for sure did not. But maybe I didn't let myself move through the healing process because healing meant moving forward and I wasn't quite ready to do that yet. The spot I was in meant something to me. It had been my feel good place for so long that I was hesitant to leave it.
My hands are relatively small. In fact, some have even made fun of how small they are. But, it is amazing how firm my grasp can be when I am holding on to the things that matter to me. Control is something that defines many of my actions and thoughts. I spend a great deal of time trying to keep things in order and manageable. This includes my feelings, my plans and my expectations. The feeling of being out of control scares me and sometimes leaves me debilitated. But lately, I have been learning that there is so much more life than what I can fit in my little hand. And I am also wrestling with the idea that while the hand may be mine, the things inside it are not. My life is filled with the gifts and blessings of the Father. They have been entrusted to me to use as He sees fit.
Sometimes this means I get to keep, use and enjoy them. At other times, this means that I have to give them back before I am ready. My initial reaction is to whine about the injustice of having to give away something I love. But what I fail to see is that the true injustice is not giving the appropriate amount of gratitude to the giver. There are many reasons why God takes things away: to teach us something new about ourselves, to prepare us for what comes next, to remind us to focus on the giver and not the gift or things that our minds can not even fathom. I believe that God is leading me towards something great and in this period of want He is showing me how to be grateful and that He is still good.
I am smiling again because I know that the truth has set me free. And that truth is that NO MATTER WHAT, I will be ok. And not because I am awesome, or because I am strong. But because I am faithful. And because I believe. Not in myself, not in my circumstances, but in the fact that God is completing me. Still. It is an ongoing process that does not end with this storm. This storm is merely another lesson in how to trust in, cling to and rely on Him. And I obviously need those lessons because I haven't learned them yet.
When I stopped waiting for the answer I wanted and accepted the one I had been given, I was able to trade my sorrow for joy. Not necessarily in the joy that comes from getting what I want, but from the joy that comes from knowing I have all that I need. The answer I want to hear, is not my reality today. I have to choose and decide based on the facts that are true today. I can not let these chances for obedience and trust to pass me by because I am waiting for a different answer. That answer may never come. Or it may be around the corner. And while my heart may hope for things and my spirit may desire certain outcomes, my delight has to come from what God is doing RIGHT NOW, in this circumstance.
I feel pretty certain that God is leading me through this wilderness in to a Promise Land and that this is a time meant for obedience, trust and faith. And while I may not enjoy my time in this desert, I know that He leads me and provides for me here. I can trust that all of this wandering will eventually lead me to the place where I am meant to be. The place He has set aside for me.
My heaviness has not ceased, but that yoke has become considerably lighter because my focus has shifted away from my situation and towards what I need to be learning in and through it.

Trees of Life are Blooming (and Your Word Plants the Seed)

2010-11-05T00:40:00.000-05:00

This was a pretty good day. Looks like there is still some life in me yet. Just kidding. All dramatics aside, I am feeling like maybe I have finally stopped rowing against the wind today. Not to say that my emotions aren't still there, because they surely are. It's just that today I feel that they are more contained. And I like that. I will take what I can get.

Someone recently asked if I was forfeiting what I need because I the fear of letting go was greater than the trust I have in God (that was a paraphrase). I had wanted to say no, surely not. It would be absolutely absurd for me to not trust God. And yet, that person was exactly right. I wear myself out trying to hold on to the things that matter to me. That control freak in me just cannot bare the unknown. And she absolutely can't stand "wait and see". I am a planner and an organizer and that is just who I am. But I am learning, quickly, that this part of me screams SELFISH. This piece of me needs a serious talking to. And believe me, several people have tried recently.

Throughout my life I have tried to make things go my way. I have had some small victories, but when it really counts I rarely succeed. Usually, I am in way over my head. The thing is, it is hard for me to trust and let go and ride out the storm. The planner in me starts demanding back up plans and safety procedures, anything to decrease the damage. How completely silly to think that I can God-proof my life. Really, who do I think I am? I will tell you, I think that I am Right.

But this week, I am learning that sometimes "disasters" come when we are least prepared and most unaware. They even come despite our plans and precautions. However, our preacher said a few weeks ago, if you have a plan B, you aren't trusting God. So true. So very very true. This path I am on will lead to something pretty great. I trust that. It may be dark and scary right now but it is leading to something wonderful. I have an idea of what I want God to do and where I hope He leads me. But, EVEN IF HE DOESN'T, He is still good. And even if His path forks to the left, when I'd rather go right, I will stay the course. I will not labor in vain.

It took me a few days to release my grip on my plans and expectations for the future. In fact, my knuckles are still sore from the effort. But...and this is a big but... I do trust that the things of God cannot be stopped. I do know that His ways are higher than my ways. Surely He has this thing figured out. I am learning to open my tiny hand and return God's gifts to Him. They were never really mine anyway.

Jesus, thank You for the gifts You give and for the things You take away.

Thank You for the daily bread You've given me today.

Jesus, thank You for dancing and the joy that it brings

Thank You also for the mourning and the not so pleasant things

Jesus, thank You for the cloud by day and the fire in the night

Thank You that the darkness helps me see Your light

Jesus, thank You for the trials and the character they bring

Thank You that in this jail cell I have a song to sing

Jesus, thank You for my ashes and for my weakness too

Thank You that my delight comes only in trusting You

photo taken from a friend without their permission. sorry, friend. (not really) 

Listamania 10.0 - silver lining edition

2010-11-03T23:00:00.000-05:00

Ok, this is the antithesis to the other Listamania I wrote (for those who are interested, it is the black cloud edition). That version is better suited for those who like a little gloom in their day. But don't worry, I am an equal opportunity feeler and while I may be feeling a little low this week, I tend towards the glass-half-full side of life. So even now, I find it necessary to note the issue, but not dwell on it.

In that regard, I wrote two Listamanias this week. One to feed both sides of me, where I am and where I want to be. You see, the week was not so great. But within that week there has been much greatness. And much more to come, I should add. This weekend I am headed to Georgetown to attend a birthday party, in my honor. My dear sweet friends are throwing me the party of my dreams. It is an 80's themed party to kick off my 30's. Costumes are required so I am definitely looking forward to seeing my friends in their totally rad outfits. This party is my silver lining and it hasn't even happened yet. But I have tried on my costume a few times and that single act alone makes me feel a few shades brighter - all that neon, I guess. So, in tribute and anticipation of the party, I present Listmania 10 - my favorite 80's movies - in order.

1. Breakfast Club -

2. Footloose -

3. Dirty Dancing -

4.Goonies -
5. Back to the Future
6. Ferris Bueller's Day Off
7. Ghostbusters
8. Sixteen Candles

9. Top Gun

10. Pretty in Pink

honorable mention for:
Steel Magnolias
E.T.
The Legend of Billy Jean

Listamania 10.0 - black cloud edition

2010-11-03T22:30:00.000-05:00

So, this week has been pretty rough for me. I am still dealing with some changes in my life and finding that it is not as easy as I had hoped it would be. Of course, I think my stressful work and school schedule and the fact that I am perpetually tired and moving may be adding to this. I would venture to say that I am "getting through" things. Although, not as gracefully as I would have hoped. This is the place for honesty so I will just say it. I have cried a lot, analyzed a lot and basically felt like a weak and silly basket case. When I think on how I would like to be handling this situation, none of those adjectives show up. After all, it is just a break up. They happen to thousands of people, everyday. But this is happening to me and, thankfully, it doesn't happen everyday. I feel like a great big downer by writing this dreadful blog today. However, this is how I process and I could use some mental exhaling.
As a social worker, I took a class in college called Death and Dying. I know, sounds like a hoot, right? In that class, we learned about the 5 stages of grief. Although intended for people who are facing their own death, the list is generally seen as applicable to any crisis or event in ones life that produces the sense of loss. Now, I am in no way trying to say that my situation is anywhere near the vicinity of being like death. But it is a loss none the less. That sounds a bit dramatic, but it is true. If I did not consider it as such then I shouldn't have been in the relationship to begin with. So, today's Listamania consists of the 5 stages. I include this list because I find it helpful to understand the things I am thinking and feeling in this context. It makes me feel less like a basket case.

1. Denial

2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

Who feels better? Gosh, what a serious downer of a post. I debated writing this but then thought, if it helped me then maybe it will help someone else. I need to tell you that I am fine. Currently. I may be wrestling through the technicalities, but I am at least working my way through. No need to worry about me. I may be presenting myself as damaged and destroyed. But I am neither of these things. I am just a girl with emotions and a blog. So... bear with me, all. Wait for that upswing, because it will come. I want it to come. I wait and welcome it.

Fall-ing in love with vegetables

2010-11-01T22:45:00.000-05:00

Now, look at this picture. I know exactly what you are thinking: "isn't that the sweetest little boy you have ever seen? ". Thank you. And the answer is yes. This picture is one of my favorites from this Halloween season. It was harder to capture and thus appreciated even more for the effort it took to achieve. So, lets take in the picture for a minute. The wonderful scenery, the fall colors, the handsome boy. But wait, what is he holding in his hands? Are those balls? Are they rocks or toys? The answer, my friends, is that he is holding Bob and Larry, from Veggie Tales. Maybe you pictured Bob and Larry to look something like this:

And you would be correct. This is the standard representation of Bob and Larry. But at our house, we go by the Luke version. And that version consists of two smallish forms of play-doh, loosely rolled and shaped in to a ball and an oval. One is red, the other is green, and voila! you have Larry and Bob. I don't remember where the idea came from but one day the play-doh veggies were formed and for three days thereafter, they were all we heard about in our house. Bob and Larry went everywhere. They went to the grocery store, to the park and even to the bathtub, where they did not go in (because they can't swim, duh). We went through about 4 sets of Larry and Bob figures because they kept drying out and cracking and would not retain their shape. So, naturally, Bob and Larry also came to the pumpkin patch with us after school one day.

Like a snap happy mom I was posing and primping Luke for his photos. We had left the veggies on the hood of the car for the first few shots but had to quickly retrieve them once Luke remembered where they were. From then on they were permanent fixtures in the events. At one point Luke even carefully placed them on a pumpkin and asked me to take their picture.

Towards the end of the session, I was told that Larry and Bob wanted to ride in the wagon.

After the initial laughter, those of us in the house began to question the normalcy of this. It seemed strange for a child to create these rudimentary figures and then carry them around with him all day. Also, he slept with them. Yeah, I forgot that part. He slept with Larry and Bob in his hands. So weird. Right?

I understand developing a connection and an attachment to something and wanting to maintain that connection at all times. I understand the idea of wanting to keep the important things close to you. And thankfully this obsession was forgotten after the weekend and has not yet resurfaced. This week we have all we can handle with Halloween goodies and treats. But I am a bit nervous to pull out the play-doh again and have mini-veggies ruling our lives once more. Can someone tell me that this happened to them too? Or their children? Or someone they knew? I am curious as to how "normal" all of this really is.

I Get Knocked Down (but I get up again)

2010-10-30T01:46:00.000-05:00

Ok. It has been a while since I did an actual post, and not a Listamania. But, because my misery loves verbiage, I now find myself with reason to write. A few months ago, I did something really great. I opened my heart up again to the idea of love and I entered in to a relationship. It was my first time since the divorce and I was cautiously optimistic. I felt really great about it. And I was happy. But, as these things sometimes do, it ended. The end was unforeseen and unprepared for, but still it came. Very recently, I found myself at the end of something that I was profoundly proud of. My heart is limping towards acceptance as we speak. But, I am not broken and I am not crushed. I may be slightly bruised, but better for the trouble. You see, while I may not like where it led me, the most important part was the journey. I felt things I had not felt in a long time. I trusted and laughed and shared life with someone in a way that felt truly spectacular. And it was a connection that I will forever be grateful for because it taught me what it looks like to have God in a relationship. This person will always be in my heart for encouraging, supporting and serving me in a way that helped me understand Christian love more fully.

Break ups are always hard. I have never had one that wasn't. But I can honestly say that I feel truly blessed in the midst of my mending. I had real feelings, great conversations and a ton of fun. How refreshing to be in that space again, if only for a bit. Through this I learned that it is ok to open up and let people in again. Actually, it is better than ok. Life is about taking chances and stepping out in faith. Part of that is risking pain for the opportunity to find something remarkable. Does it always happen? No. But it is almost always worth the shot. I am sad to see this chapter closing. But if I have learned nothing else in my short life, I have learned that God gives and takes away. He wounds and He heals. But He is also the same yesterday, today and forever. God never lets go. He will sustain me through the wilderness of life and lead me to lie down in green pastures. He is always good. These are my truths. It has taken me a while to collect them. But they have never failed me. And I do not expect them to start now. I am rejoicing in this chance to trust God and show my faith in His ways.

I want to share a poem I wrote about breaking up. It was written many, many years ago - in a whole different phase of my life. I don't know why I want to share this, since it has nothing to do with the person or circumstance I referred to in this post. But it somehow seemed fitting for today.

Oh what I would give for one more chance

to see the magic in your glance

right before you kissed my lips

with my hair around your fingertips.

What wouldn't I do for a final embrace?

That look of perfection upon your face.

As you hold my hand and catch my eye,

right before you say "good-bye".

A spoken truth of yet to comes,

implying that we're not yet done.

Yet, all to soon I begin to see

the brutal truth of this reality.

Try as I may to plan and to scheme

your mind is already on other things.

I'm not the object of your affection

but you have granted me this one reflection:

no matter the state our relationship is in

you will always consider me a very dear friend.

I guess this friendship will have to suffice

and my wounded heart will pay the price.

As much as I'd like to have your heart

being your friend is the perfect start.

Listamania 9.0

2010-10-20T23:56:00.000-05:00

When I am down, I put on music. When I am bored, I put on music. When I need to just relax, I put on music. I'm sure appreciative of things like iPod's and CD players so that I can have my music with me, on the go. And I am thankful for Playlists that let me create hours of diversion. Music is so much to me. So... here is my homage to music. First, a list of CD's that are in constant rotation in my car or on my iPod:

1. Shane and Shane - Everything is Different
2. Jimmy Needham - Not Without Love
3. Joshua Radin - Simple Times
4. Ray Lamontagne - Trouble
5. John Mayer - Battle Studies
6. Shane and Shane - Pages
7. Nicole Nordemann - Woven and Spun
8. Joshua Radin - We Were Here
9. Bebo Norman - Myself When I am Real
10. The Brook Hampton Tracks I Love Mix CD

Honorable mention:
- Kari Jobe - Kari Jobe albumn
- Colby Callait - Coco
- Jason Mraz - We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things
- Ray Lamontagne - Gossip in the Grain

My next Listamania will be dedicated to music as well. I will be writing all the songs I would have on my life soundtrack. I need some time to think. I would love to hear what other people are listening to as well. I always need fresh ideas.

Invitation Extended - but don't RSVP

2010-10-18T15:24:00.001-05:00

A few friends and I have started a collaborative blog together. It is a devotional blog that touches on some things that God is teaching us in our lives. I have been blessed to get to grow in this way with some people that I absolutely love, admire and respect. So if you are interested, you can check us out at

http://wmysoul.blogspot.com/

Thanks guys.

Leslie

Hey Now, You're a Rock Star

2010-10-16T14:45:00.000-05:00

When I was younger, we did a lot of pretending. We played house, school, postoffice, banker, Barbies - you name it and we played it. It is safe to say that my love of story telling - character, plots and the like - started with those early days of make believe. Perhaps one of my favorite things to pretend was "rockstar". Although, in those days I just called it "singer". In my youth, that is what I dreamt I would become when I got older. I just knew I would be like Jem and the Rockers and that I would sing and entertain the masses. It brought great joy to my heart to play that part and imagine myself as a performer. I never imagined myself as rich and famous. In my daydreams, it was about the music and the love of performing it. Then the Mickey Mouse Club came on TV and I felt I had found my calling. The same thing happened when the Spice Girls surfaced and also a little bit when Glee first aired. I just absolutely love music and making it come alive.

I was on vacation for ten days and my little son was not with me. So needless to say, I missed him a great deal. This week was about trying to reconnect with him, which was difficult because of my work and school schedules. But yesterday was the day we set aside for mommy and Luke time. It was a great day. We filled it with frozen yogurt, lunch with friends, a Dragon movie and a little make believe. For a little while, yesterday, Luke and I were rockstars together. And we performed several Veggie Tales classics. It was so nice to share that with him and to watch him take right to it. So, this post goes out to my little rockstar! Here's to:

Duets

Booty Shakin'

Stage Jumping

Crowd Pleasing

Theatric Loving

and Final Bowing

This little dude has what it takes. Of course I am absolutely his biggest fan so I may be a tiny bit biased. But I would pay full price to watch him perform. Dreams are hard to come by and imagination is a commodity that is often killed with reality. It is so wonderful to watch the innocence in him and to watch him let loose and pretend. And, thankfully, he still wants me right there with him in the middle of the mix.

Listamania 8.0

2010-10-06T18:11:00.000-05:00

The Last Time I...

1. Went to Disneyland/World: I was 8 years old and wearing a side ponytail, biker shorts and a tshirt with a side knot.

2. Had a phone conversation that lasted over an hour: Last night
3. Saw a movie in the theater: today I saw two movies, in a row. "Social Network" and "Devil"
4. Saw someone famous: I saw Neil Patrick Harris when I was at Disneyworld. Although at that time he was known only as "Doogie".
5. Took a car trip that was over 10 hours: In 2006, when I went to Nashville, TN
6. Drank Kool-Aid: Last week I made kool-aid for Luke and had some myself. It was cherry, I had to.
7. Went to a school dance: That would be my senior year of college, April 2003. Date: Dustin "the Diesel" Collins.
8. Was on a boat: The last time I visited Georgetown there was a late night sailing trip. Maybe May 2010.
9. Was on a plane: On Friday I flew to Vermont. It was an awful experience.
10. Ate a Rice Krispy Treat: I actually made Rice Krispy treats about a month ago for my Friday night group.
11. Jogged: Last Thursday. And my body is feeling it.
12. Went to the doctor: I think it has been a year and a half.
13. Was out of the Country: In May 2010 I went to Mexico with the fam.
14. Washed my car: It has been an embarassingly long amount of time. I think a year or more.
15. Ate a bowl of cereal: This morning I had corn flakes, with sugar.
16. Held a baby: At my son's 3rd birthday party I held my cousin's baby,Beaux.
17. Watched an episode of Friends: About two weeks ago, thank you TNT.
18. Jumped up and down: Probably at Lindsey and Kyle's wedding in August.
19. Bought an item of clothing: In September of 2010.
20. Vacummed: Right before Luke's birthday party, in September.
21. Had to speak/perform in front of a large group of people: I had to give an interview presentation to get in to Teacher Certification classes in August.
22. Took a test: That would be yesterday, for my teaching class.
23. Went to a wedding: August 2010.
24. Used a phone with a cord on it: I used the room phone, this morning, to call the lobby. I dialed "0".
25. Ate pizza: Two days ago, in Portland, Maine.
26. Had a cup of coffee: Friday morning as I walked to my airplane terminal.
27. Did a math problem by hand: Since I am subbing now I get to do a bit more math. Two weeks ago I subbed for a 2nd grade math class and we did word problems on the chalkboard.
28. Had a manicure or pedicure: It has been WAY to long. Probably since May or maybe even April.
29. Got a package in the mail: I got flowers delivered to me last week. It was AWESOME!
30. Updated my blog: Today. This list is considered my update.

You can't stop the beat!

2010-09-27T21:01:00.002-05:00

"Sing, sing a song

sing out loud, sing out strong

sing of good things, not bad

sing of happy, not sad

sing, sing a song

make it simple

to last your whole life long

don't worry if it's not good enough

for anyone else to hear

just sing, sing a song"

- Perry Como

As a parent of a toddler, you watch a LOT of movies. Over and over and over again. Thankfully, kids movies are actually pretty good these days. But today I popped in a VHS for Luke (and yes, we do still own a VCR). We dug deep in the box of cinema relics and went vintage. Luke watched Beauty and the Beast for the very first time. From the moment the movie started I was hooked. I would venture to say that I was more in to it than he was. I started singing and I could not stop. I knew every word to every song, even after all these years. And this sing-along opened a flood gate of memories for me.

When I was in elementary school, my cousins and sister and I would put on plays in our garage for my parents. There was a curtain, costumes and even an intermission. But the main focus of the evening was always the music. We would sing (and act out) Disney movies. But when I say "sing" I really mean "lip sync" to the soundtrack CD. It was still pretty awesome.

Years later, I remember attending a college weekend at UMHB with my bestie, Sara, during our senior year of high school. It was our first solo trip without the parents and we were feeling pretty cool in our independence. I think we even stopped and got convenience store cappuccinos just to solidify our maturity. But what I also remember is that we were jamming out in the car, to the Lion King soundtrack (and maybe even some Little Mermaid).

You see, I love to sing. It brings immense joy to my heart to express myself through song. I am not, however, a song writer. It pains me to sit and think about lyrics and hooks and verses and all that jazz. Believe me, I've tried. My passion lies more in the music. I enjoy finding a song that completely expresses my mood and thing singing it as loud as I can. Or dancing to it.

For this reason, I absolutely adore musicals. Chicago blew my mind. I enjoyed it so much that I literally high kicked out of the theater (it's true, there were witnesses). I say all of this because I think it is sad that animated musicals have gone the way of the dodo bird. While kid's movies today are funnier than they used to be, they lack some of that musical magic. Music is so expressive and joyous and moving that I do not understand why the decision was made to stop the music. It was a very stupid decision.

I have one last memory to share with you readers before I end my soapbox on another pointless topic. In 2004, I went to Las Vegas with 3 of my girl friends. It was an absolutely amazing trip. There were plenty of sights to see and things to do, but what made the trip for me was all of the singing that we did. I brought a video camera and we videoed ourselves on a consistent basis during the trip. One of the things we did was spontaneous song. We all did it. The camera would start rolling and one of us would make up a song about what we were doing or where we were going. It was completely unscripted and very silly. I remember vividly a song about Treasure Island, a song about the Bellagio fountains and a song about Ziegfried and Roy's tigers. But my favorite part was the day we rode the tram to the Palms hotel and casino. The four of us sat in the back seat. The bus was pretty crowded and the faint sound of music was playing over the speakers. I asked the driver to turn it up and he kindly obliged. "My Girl" was playing on the radio and without hesitation I started singing along, quite loudly. Pretty soon my friends joined in and then when it got to the chorus I shouted,"everybody". And you would not believe this but over half the bus started singing the chorus to that song. People were clapping and singing along and it was one of the best moments of my life. When the bus stopped and the song was over, the whole bus cheered. It was a magical moment. Scratch that, it was a musical moment. For that tram ride, and during that trip, I got a small taste of what it would be like to live in a musical. And I have to say that it suited me just fine.

So Disney,
bring back the musical. Let animation be fun again.

Thank you.

Listamania 7.0

2010-09-16T17:01:00.002-05:00

I know, I know. This is a day late. But better late than never. I have a new thing going in my life and I would classify it as a good thing. Actually, a very good thing. And this good thing has given me lots and lots of reasons to smile lately. It feels so insanely good to be in the company of a person (or persons) who know how to truly get you laughing. Thankfully, I know several people in my life who can really crack me up. But that is another list, for another time. Today's list is dedicated to laughter and smiles. Eventhough that just sounded like a line from Carebears I will continue on. The new TV season is starting and I could not be more thrilled. So I want to make a list of the ten TV sitcoms that have had me rolling in laughter throughout my life. This is not in any order, just shows I like. I know some may disagree but... this is my Listamania, so deal with it.

1. Friends
2. Scrubs
3. Fresh Prince of Bell Aire
4. The Cosby Show
5. Modern Family
6. The Office
7. How I Met Your Mother
8. Seinfeld
9. Arrested Development
10. Cheers

Times they are a changin'

2010-09-13T14:58:00.003-05:00

It seems like I am always starting a post with a reference to something that someone said to me. Well, this post will be no different. Someone near and dear to me asked if I write more in bad times than in good. Interesting question. And the answer is... yes. I do tend to get very emo and internal when the storm clouds roll in. And while that doesn't make for a very fun read, it sure provides a lot of inspiration for new material. I would like to work on this though. I do not want to be the Debbie Downer of the blog world. So starting today I am pledging to be more up-beat and whimsical in my musings. To kick this off I am doing something that I never would have thought possible - I am going to share a poem that I wrote. I am doing this because a) it was written in high school and b) I think it possesses a light-heartedness that suits the new me. So, here it goes:

FAT CANDY

I love were candy, I'd be fat

If sorrow were a fly swatter, I'd be flat

If marshmallows were dreams, I'd be a smore

If pentagons meant sanity, my count would be four

If friends were like mirrors, I'd live in vain

If fear were a sports car, I'd opt for a plane

If pennies were knowledge, I'd have 2 cents

If laundry were patience, I'd be the ball of lent

If men were sugar, I'd take mine sour

If pride were measured in minutes, I'd last an hour

If candles were maturity, I'd be at the end of my wick

If roses were honesty, I'd often need a prick

If hope were like water, I'd sometimes start to boil

If serenity were milk, I'd very quickly spoil

**As a disclaimer I need to say that I was 18. So I had a very limited knowledge of the world and most of the concepts in this poem. I would venture to say that this rhyme would be slightly different if I wrote it today. Thanks also to Rachel Bennet, who penned several of the lines with me, and Ms. Lawrence, my creative writing teacher. **

Listamania 6.0

2010-09-08T14:33:00.010-05:00

I know that I have had lead fingers lately when it comes to this blog - meaning that they have leaned toward the heavy side. My blog is direct reflection of my life, so if I have been clunking through the last through posts it was because I was clunking through some moments in my life. Never fear though, because everything always ends up better than alright. And this season of my life is no different. My dad, sweet and honest man that he is, recently told me that my blog was starting to get a little depressing. I took his subtle advice and digested it. As luck would have it is a Wednesday, which means it's a Listamania day. What better way to fight the blog blues than with a little list? So... this one's for dad, and all those others who are tired of hearing me mope.

I actually stole this idea from someone else's blog. But it was such a good one that I don't feel at all bad about it (thank you Trey Weise). As summer has officially come to a close, the weather, and the activities that comprise said season ,are saying farewell. I will miss the sights, sounds and smells of summer. This revelation made me think about my senses, all 5 of them in fact, and the wonderful ways I use them on a daily basis. So, this weeks list is about favorites. It is my fab 5 favorites of my fab 5 senses. You better buckle in, because things are about to get crazy.

Things I love to smell:
1. sunscreen
2. men's cologne (especially Beckham for men)
3. wood burning
4. the river
5. bacon frying

Things I love to look at:

1. sunsets
2. the stars on a clear, dark night

3. Christmas lights

4. fall colors that pop against gray skies

5. flowers in full bloom

Things I love to hear:
1. good vocal harmonies
2. night time noises during the summer
3. rain outside my window
4. my little guy laughing wildly
5. music on the classical guitar or piano

Things I love to taste:

1. chocolate milkshakes

2. the first few sips of Dr.Pepper from the fountain

3. hot chocolate

4. strawberries

5. cheese

Things I love the touch of:
1. my baby boy's cheeks
2. blankets all around me in a cold room
3. hands holding mine
4. sand between my toes
5. water as I swim

There are other things that I love. But this list could get long and then no one would want to read it. I am going to take some advice from The Office's Michael Scott and K.I.S.S. - Keep It Simple Stupid. Happy Wednesday all!

Let the Records Show

2010-09-04T15:20:00.003-05:00

I am going to be tooting my own horn here a little bit. Please allow it because I could use the affirmation. It has just been one of those weeks where multiple things weighed heavily on my mind and my heart. I was wearing quite the heavy yolk and feeling just miserable beneath its weight. You see, I am what you would call a decisive person. It has been said that I may even be "rash" in my decision making. And, I admit, I do things kind of on impulse sometimes. And, every time, I always think what a huge mistake that was. So, for me to not be able to make a decision, to be stuck in the in between, means one of two things: 1) that I know what I need to do, but I'm fighting it or 2) that my head and my heart are in a battle of motives and a victor hasn't been crowned yet.

It just so happens that there were two situations this week that I could not move past, one for each of those categories. But, happy to say that today I laced up my big-girl shoes and did the hard thing. One felt good, and the other is a work in progress. I like to make educated choices, where all the information is presented before me. However, I am not always afforded that benefit. Sometimes I have to make a choice based on the facts presented to me, even with gaping holes in the equation. And then sometimes, I am waiting for blanks to be filled that have already been filled, I just refused to see it. It's the classic case of only hearing what you want to hear. It is a defense mechanism that has served me... not so well.

My heart feels lighter today for having chosen to move forward and not stay still. I think that sometimes it is easier to just run in place, because at least then you know what to expect from your surroundings. It takes much more courage and faith to move ahead, to the unknown. My mind has been made up. In one instance, the right thing one out over the easy thing. And in the other situation, I chose to simplify. While I wouldn't say that either of these things felt awesome, they do feel resolved, in the sense that they will no longer consume my mind.

Quack Attack

2010-09-03T11:42:00.002-05:00

So, I'm back! I know that you readers are just jumping in excitement. As well you should be because over the last few days my heart and my head have been working in overdrive, trying to figure this life out. And the realization I've come to is that I will never be able to figure this life out. And just when I think I'm getting close, there are loops and curve balls to keep me on my toes. But don't you worry, because while my life map did not unveil itself I did pick up a few treasures along the way. And, of course, I would love nothing more than to talk my way through them.
So, one thing that has become glaringly obvious is how difficult it is for me to follow. I am a leader. Always have been and probably always will be. So when the time comes for me to sit back and let others lead, I do not handle it all that well. This is true for all things, even my relationship with God. I tend to believe that I know the best way, the rightest answer and the most fool-proof methods.
Also, I'm not very patient. When I know what I want, I get very one-track minded. This is not necessarily good. The reason being is that I can get so focused on the want that I forget to ask if its what I need. I have been trying that a little more lately and finding that occassionally, I get lucky and those things are the same. But sometimes not. Right now, I am in serious prayer about some serious things and I am realizing that I am making them so much more dramatic and complicated than they need to be. God isn't trying to trick me or entice me. He doesn't need to. He knows what I need and when and all I have to do is listen and trust.
I have felt some joy and peace recently, amid confusion and it is because I have sought and asked for it. And it has come. It has come because I stopped clinging so tightly to what I wanted and decided to open up my hands and surrender, knowing full well that God will provide.
The last thing I want to say is that I am learning not to be a duck. Ducks get together and just quack, quack, quack about things. And all it amounts to is a lot of noise. If you look for things to be unhappy about and focus on things that make you grumble and quack then you set yourself up for being deeply unhappy. So, I'm steering clear of the duck pond and focusing on those things I know are good. My life is good, right now, no matter what. And I need to remember that. Because all I know for sure is this moment, not the future. And so I want to cease this moment and all it has to offer. Its like that Bible story about the servants who were given the money. Some buried it so that they could wait and save it, and the master said that was not good. But one used his and multiplied it and it was seen as good for him to take what he was given and make the most of it. This is what is coming to the front of my mind right now, as I am praying through things. I want to be responsible with what I've been given so that God will see that I can handle more.

Just another manic Monday

2010-08-31T08:05:00.002-05:00

Of course, after that wonderful day of clarity and the post about joy on Sunday - God allowed me the pain of Monday. I had the Monday of all Mondays yesterday. It was not good. it started off bad and went to worse and ended at totally unbelievable in it's level of suckage. But such is life. It is a changing tide of good and bad experiences. The real test is to see if i can keep that joy I talked about, amidst the Mondays of life.

I've had a bit of a setback recently and I am trying to refigure my life around the changes. I know full well that I will heal and come back stronger and more faithful. But until then, I am going to choose silence. I am going through something that I can not blog about. I do not want to blog about it because in this topic I dont want you people in my head. But rest assured that when that fog clears, I will be back. Thanks, faithful blog followers, for being there as a sounding board.

Leslie

Sing, Sing a Song

2010-08-29T22:37:00.006-05:00

I must begin by saying that I am a little emotional as I write this. It has been one of those nights when the blinders have come up just a fraction and my limited scope has gotten a little bit clearer. And what I have seen with these new eyes just astounds me. There are joys in this life that words can not explain. There is kindness among friends that this heart can not contain. There is peace among sorrow that my mind can not full fathom. When you take all of these observations and wrap them up into a small concise package, the word is grateful. I am full of gratitude at how God is moving in my life at this moment. The dots in my life just seem to keep connecting, even when it seems unlikely, into the most beautiful and elaborate pictures of mercy and grace. It feels like I have travelled so very far during this short life of mine. And yet, I have barely scratched the surface of the plans God has for me.

Over a year ago, I started this blog and faced the task of trying to decide what to call it. It was a different time in my life, a time of complete confusion and gnashing of teeth. But even then, I knew that there was much to be grateful for. Even in the desert place, my cup runneth over. Even in my darkest hours yet, I still had more than I could have asked for. And in His faithfulness, the Lord continues to provide. The people, places, promises and purposes I have in my life are filling my heart with joy. I have transitioned into a new life. I have metamorphosed into a new creature and dang, it feels so good. I found this verse yesterday, as I rummaged through my Bible for hidden treasures, and it captures my spirit perfectly:

"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy" - Psalm 126:5

I have a song to sing, a song of humble gratitude and complete thankfulness.

Listamania 5.0

2010-08-25T09:12:00.000-05:00

Normally my daily diet consists largely of protein shakes. But not this week. This week we are eating good. Maybe even a little too good. The treaders will be burning up next week for sure. But all of this hearty eating has inspired this weeks listamania. If I was somehow in a situation where I was told to pick ten foods to live on for the rest of my life, these would be them:

1. Red Lobster's cheddar bay biscuits
2. Tx Roadhouse green beans
3. Cypress Station Grill's sweet potato fries
4. Chicken fajitas from Lupe Tortillas
5. Lobster bisque from Pappadeaux's
6. The turkey o' toole from Bennigans
7. Red Robin's blue cheese burger
8. McAlister's club wrap
9.PF Chang's chicken lo mein
10. Olive Garden's chicken alfredo pizza

And I would have to add a chicken fried steak from somewhere delicious. What would your choices be? Dang. I'm hungry now.

Cause I'm a Freak, Baby

2010-08-23T23:47:00.002-05:00

This week I am on vacation with the family in the beautiful Texas Hill Country. So far, we are having a very pleasant time. Unlike many of our vacations this one would be considered very free-style. Now, I see the benefits of having an open and flexible schedule, especially when relaxation is your goal, but it goes against every grain I have to be without a plan.
Here is my confession: I am a control freak. There, I said it. I don't know when this started but somewhere and somehow I went from liking to have my way, moved right through preferring to have my way and landed in needing to have my way. And this is where I am stuck- in the land of needing lots of info and rarely getting any.
There was a time in my life when things were very chaotic for me and I rarely knew what to expect on a given day. In this time I had to let go of what I wanted to cling to what I needed to get by. Now that things are more stable for me, I find myself trying to make up for lost time. I feel that I have room to want things now and so I want them with all I have. Now that I've found my voice I find myself dead set on what I think needs to happen. This part I do remember from my youth. I always wanted to be in charge of group projects at school because then I knew it would get done and get done the right way.
The problem is that sometimes my way isn't the right way. But, it is hard to see that within the moment of wanting. I set an expectation that my plans are good and will achieve the desired results. And then I work hard towards that goal with checklists and outlines.
When life gets in the way and hands me hurdles or foibles to my well thought out plan, I panic and get quite flustered or cross. Mostly at myself, for being so narrowly focused on me.
Plans are good, but so is wait and see. I am not so good at going with the flow, I want to move and create. This week will be a challenge for me in letting go and enjoying the freedom of not-controlling every moment. And I think I will find that it will be just as much fun and maybe a little less stressful.When you don't have an expectation, it removes the fear of not meeting it. And by now we all know what a fan I am of that.

Baby Mine

2010-08-19T23:46:00.003-05:00

Today I was at Target doing one of the things I hate the most: trying on clothes. I was in the back corner dressing room when a family came in to try on back-to-school clothes. This family consisted of a mom, a daughter and two sons. I could never see this family, but I heard them. It would have been impossible not to. And what I heard nearly broke my heart. Every single sentence that came from the mother's mouth was spoken with an edge and bark that made me shudder. There was no love anywhere in the tone or words she was using. I listened for about five minutes before I couldn't take it anymore, and I left the dressing room saying a quick prayer for that mom and her children. I promptly headed over to my son, playing in the toy section with his Nana, and gave him the biggest hug.

Being a parent is tough sometimes. It can become downright annoying when little personalities start to develop that scream for independence and rebellion. So, I will allow for the fact that perhaps this mother was having one of those days and her patience was a little thin. But don't we all know someone whose normal voice sounds like a yell and who always seems mad or irritated? I was a crisis counselor for two years, trust me when I say that some families speak in shouts and barks. I sure hope this is not me. I don't think it is, but I do have my days when anger wins out over patience. It takes a very focused and conscious effort to discipline and correct in love, and not anger. And I don't always hit the nail on the head there. But I want to take this opportunity to tell him, and the blog readers, all the things on the other side of that coin.

Luke, my child, you are:

sweet

brave

kind

loving

gentle

sensitive

friendly

outgoing

opinionated

happy

dramatic

helpful

charming

caring

polite

smart

funny

creative

and above all else, silly

I love everything about you, even on your worst day. Even as you are telling me to go away and leave you alone. Even when you are throwing your tenth fit in 30 minutes. Even when you don't quite make it to the potty on time and when you don't even touch the sandwich I spent ten minutes making because you HAD to have it - yes, sweet boy, even then. I hope you grow up with the confidence it takes to face this world and come out whole. I hope you never have to doubt for one second that you are loved and treasured. And I pray, everyday, that I will speak more kindnesses than I do warnings. That we will laugh more than we cry, talk more than we shout, and that I will never be too busy to enjoy you or create moments that matter.

With every bit of my heart (and perhaps a tiny bit more),

Mom

The Ring of Fire

2010-08-18T22:54:00.003-05:00

First, I want to sound a clear NERD ALERT for what is about to happen. But when the similes come, you have to take what you can get. And today you are getting a little bit of LOTR (that's Lord of the Rings for those who don't speak Tolkien). But, alas, I will get to that part later.

I'd like to start by saying that I have noticed that a good deal of my posts lately have been about spiritual matters. I have no idea if these posts are as interesting or helpful to read as they are to write, but in a way I don't care. Lately, I have been challenged and stretched in my faith in ways I never expected. As I have clung to, trusted in and relied on God to keep His promises I have found myself more aware of what He is doing in and around me. It doesn't always make sense, or go the way I would like it to - but that is part of what this blog is for, to help me make sense of my life one word at a time. Matthew 12:34 says, "For out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks". Therefore, I am encouraged that my mouth seems to be speaking more about what God's doing than what I'm doing - at least in the blogosphere.

So... I have been feeling pretty good lately about where I am in my life. I feel on track with the goals I set for myself in regards to school, friends, family and faith. Things have been flowing pretty smoothly and I have felt real joy in my heart of hearts. I had even begun to think that I'd learned a thing or too about myself and from my mistakes and would have said I was making progress. And then, as if He knew (which He did), God decided to test my theory and He threw me in to the refining fires. It seems that this week God has dangled some pretty nice carrots in front of my face to see how I would respond. And I am humbled to say that I did not respond well. When the heat and pressure came I turned to my feelings to give me my bearings and left the facts in the dust. I let my eyes turn to what I wanted and forgot to ask if it was what I needed. And I found myself returning to past insecurities and wearing them as easily as an old coat. It seems I had not progressed as much as I would have thought.

I have always loved the image of the refiners fire. Silversmiths put their fire in the furnace to melt it and then the dross (impurities) would rise to the top and sit on the surface. They would then scrap off this dross before pouring the silver in to a mold to be made into something valuable and useful.

Proverbs 25:4 - "Remove the dross from the
silver, and out comes material for the silversmith;"

It seems that the fire is necessary if we are to be pure and of use. It is easy to dread the fire. It is hot and super uncomfortable. But in the end, it leads to the best version of ourselves - if we submit to the process and quit holding on to our impurities. In this way, we are not unlike "the precious" in LOTR. It was a beautiful and powerful vessel but it did not show it's true colors or deliver it's full message until it was put in to the fire. Only then did the true message show. We can fake it till we make it all we want. We can build our house of straw and try to cut costs and labor - we can do as little as possible to get by. But...

1 Corinthians 3:11-15 - "For no one can lay any foundation than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ. If anyone builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw , his work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test each man's work. If what he has built survives, he will receive his reward. If it is burned up, he will suffer loss; he himself will be saved but only as one escaping through the flames."

eventually the testing of our faith will show our true colors and the effort we have put in towards pursuing God's will. And in those moments of uncomfortable pain and pressure, we will either display the image of Christ or we will be branded with the scars of a person who was burned.

I admit that I have been burned this week. But, I can honestly say that while I got some new scars, I also feel that I lost some of those impurities as well. And that I am possibly a little closer to becoming something the silversmith can truly use. That is my hope and prayer: that my eyes would be not on the fire, or the silver, but on the one who makes beauty from ashes. This "giant" I face today is not really anything more than an opportunity to focus and trust God once more. It will work out. I have that promise. And I may have forgotten that for a moment, but, thankfully, it is my foundation.

Listamania 4.0

2010-08-18T14:22:00.003-05:00

Today is not the best day I've ever had. But then again, it's not the worst day either. I would love to say that my sunny disposition and faith in Jesus omit me from getting sad or confused. But that is just not true. I have these things called emotions, and they sometimes get the better of me - even when I know they shouldn't. I firmly believe emotions are a good thing. Without them I would just be a robot. So, today I am embracing my emotions and using them as inspiration for this list. Behold, I give you a list of my favorite tear-jerker movies. I occasionally feel the need for a good endorphin cleanse and put one of these in the old DVD player to speed up the process. Here are ten movies a girl (or guy) can count on to get the tears flowing (in no particular order):

1. My Girl
2. Moulin Rouge
3. The Notebook
4. Life as a House
5. Hope Floats
6. Terms of Endearment
7. Remember the Titans
8. Beaches
9. My Life
10. I am Sam

So, there you have it. If you have any suggestions to add to the list, please be my guest.

Also, I know I painted a bleak picture when it comes to my current mood, but I am confident that this pity party will end soon. Things happen, we take them as they come. It is not the last time I will have a bad day. However, I have learned not to let bad days or bad situations define me or steal my joy and happiness. So... here's to turning a frown upside down and staying on the sunny side!

p.s. this picture of Dawson crying just makes me laugh. you can't not laugh looking at that. Pacey would never have looked like such a tool.

Put the Needle on the Record

2010-08-16T23:42:00.005-05:00

Occasionally, I like to rent movies from the local Red Box. I tend to do this a bit more when Luke wants a movie because the kids movies are hit and miss these days and I am a try before you buy kind of girl. So, a week ago I rented this movie from the Red Box kiosk:

I was shocked to find it there among the newer movies, because I remember this movie from my childhood (which lets just say was a while ago). In fact, I remember recording the soundtrack to this movie on to a cassette tape, with my fisher price radio, and playing parade float on the trampoline with my sister singing and dancing to the music. Ahhh, memories. So I took the movie home and within the span of 48 hours, Luke watched that movie 6 times. I then took the movie back (on time, I might add) and for the next several days all I hear from him are requests for the "chipmunk" movie. So, this last weekend I rented the movie again (thank you Red Box) and again we have seen it about 6 times in 3 days. It is like it never gets old to him, watching that same movie over and over again. He can even quote it and sing along. I am talking, when the video is done we go to the beginning and watch again. The thing is on repeat. And he watches it just as intently each time, as if it is the very first time. All the while, the adults in the house have to pray for patience and peace each time that video starts anew. Somehow the chipmunk charm has lost its power over us.

Being a parent has taught me a lot about how God must view us, as His children. It has allowed me a taste of the unconditional love, discipline and guidance that He must feel as a Father. And it seems that when it comes to learning the lessons in life, I am sometimes like that "chipmunk" movie. I have to keep watching, and keep doing, over and over again. Its like I am tripping on the same banana peel over and over again and getting surprised each time - as if it were the first time. At times, it would almost seem that I enjoy learning things the hard way, because I am so determined to repeat my mistakes. And the miracle is that God never rolls His eyes at the fact that I am stuck in this broken record pattern. He never wishes that I would put in another movie already. He just patiently waits for me to do my song and dance until I get tired of singing the same words.

I am about tired of that darn Chipmunk movie. But I find myself surprised and grateful for the lesson it has taught me about being stuck in my own rut and being content to do so. It is amazing how God chooses to talk to us. I honestly never thought He would sound like a chipmunk.

And speaking of little critters, here is one that I never get tired of:

The Waiting Room

2010-08-16T00:28:00.006-05:00

I spend a lot of time waiting - in line, for test results, at the stop light, for my turn to talk, for prayers to be answered, for things to make sense, for someone to apologize, for someone to like me, for things to just fall together. And quite frankly, I do not enjoy waiting. I can distinctly remember summers at Astroworld when I wasted the better part of 2 hours, waiting in line to ride this thing or that and sweating in the heat the whole time. Two hours of waiting, for 30 seconds of thrill. It hardly seems worth it in retrospect. But I guess that is the thing, we wouldn't wait if the thing we were waiting for wasn't seen as necessary or worth it on our eyes.

I do not have what you would call a patient spirit when it comes to some things, waiting being one of them. I like to get in and get out. I have agendas and schedules and waiting just puts serious roadblocks to the plans I make for myself. But very often I find myself in the waiting room of God, just waiting to see what He is going to do next. Well, let me back up and say that I am often forced in to the waiting room of God - against my will. On rare occasions I enter in of my own accord, but mostly (and this is something I am working on) I find myself there for lack of options. In this period I am waiting for God to do something, and I expect that the end result of all this waiting will be worth it. What I mean is that I often hope that if I have to wait on God, He better show up huge in the end. And by "huge" I mean, exactly the way I want Him to. I can be pretty silly that way.

Now I know that the waiting room is absolutely necessary, as it forces me to wait for the green light of God. Without it, I sure would find myself in many a "wreck". And I also know that this waiting room leads to a "hope and a future" that is tailor made for me. In this way, the ends certainly do justify the means. But what I want to do is get to the point where I enjoy the waiting, and not just what it brings. I want to get to the point where I can appreciate the conditions of waiting, whether they are comfortable and easy

or slightly less so.

I would like to be able to say that I waited, through the scorching Texas heat, for two hours, and came away feeling refreshed - even before I entered in to the will of God. Because often the waiting is His will. He wants us there so that He can prepare us for what is on the other side of that door. But for me, it is all about that door. My focus is on getting to the other side. So much so, that I don't stop and think about what I may need to be doing or seeing here, in this room - with these people and in these circumstances.

Yes, I am waiting on something in my life right now. I always am. But regardless if that something is a person, an answer, a plan or a promise I am finding that I need to keep my eyes on God. Someone I know was once struggling with drinking and a pastor told them that their problem was that God and the bottle were standing in a line. It was impossible to focus on both at the same time. If you focus on one, the other gets blurry and loses contrast. The advice was that God needed to be the focus, and then the bottle would become less clear. I think that for me, this makes perfect sense in regards to waiting. As long as I am waiting, I must focus on God and not that thing. Only then can I truly enjoy the waiting process. AS they say, "time flies when you're having fun". What can be more fun than standing in line with the best friend in the world?

I would like to leave you with some thoughts from Shane and Shane on the subject:

sitting in the waiting room of silence

waiting for that still soft voice I know

offering my worship to the rooftop to your heart

trusting that this closets where you are

Lord, I know if I change my mind

You will change my heart in time

Sovereign Lord, this time's from You

So I sit in the waiting room of silence

Cause it's all about You

Listamania 3.0

2010-08-12T14:01:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, I went to an interview for a Alternative Teacher Certification Program. It is my goal to become a certified teacher by the end of this upcoming school year. But first, I had to get accepted in to the program. This is what I have been taking classes for these last 3 semesters. So I submitted an application and made a 5 minute digital resume that I had to present before a panel of judges and a room full of other applicants. It went well. I did get accepted. But part of that process included a written questionnaire that I had to fill out. One of the questions asked me to list my strengths and weaknesses. This was somewhat difficult for me. It took some intense concentration to organize my list. And then afterwards, as I walked to my car, I naturally thought of better answers than I had given. So, without further ado, I give you a list of my strengths and weaknesses.

STRENGTHS

1. Honesty & loyalty (these always go together for me)

2. Attentive

3. Willingness to learn and lead

4. Organized

5. Positive outlook

6. Dependable

7. Creative

8. Outgoing

9. Enjoy a challenge

10. Can admit faults and accept responsibility for mistakes

WEAKNESSES

1. Outspoken

2. Opinionated

3. Overly-committed

4. Controlling of environment/situations

5. Tend to focus on small picture

6. Procrastinator

7. Wear emotion on my sleeves

8. Need to explain myself - justify

9. More reactionary than proactive

10. Speak before thinking

Listamania 2.0

2010-08-04T14:56:00.005-05:00

Here is another list for all of you list lovers. This one is a bit more personal than the last one, and also a little more abrasive. I'm all for looking for the bright side of life and seeing that glass half full, but sometimes there are things that just get under your skin. The pet peeves of life. And I must admit that I have quite a few. But to maintain interest, and to make sure I don't look like too much of a jerk, I will limit it to five of my peeviest peeves. So without further ado...

Listamania 2.0 - The Pet Peeves

1. Repeating myself. For some reason this just really irritates me.
I can handle one repetition, but more than that and I turn in to the Hulk.

2. People who honk at you the moment the light turns green.
My car has no get up and go. It takes a while to build up speed.

3. Watching TV with other people and having them talk over the dialogue.
That is what commercials are for.

4. Drama. I admit that I have had dramatic moments myself,
but being around people who thrive on and create drama
on a regular basis just drains me.

5. When they make a movie out of a book and completely
change the story. I watch the movie because I liked the book,
so why are we changing it?

Oh, and I also wrote another blog yesterday, but it was posted under 7/12/10. Here is the link if you want to read it, it is about gossip.

http://goreemom.blogspot.com/2010/07/did-you-hear-one-about.html

Listamania

2010-07-28T09:14:00.003-05:00

Time to reinstitute List Wednesdays. It never fully got off of the ground the first go round. But this time will be different, I delcare it. So, every Wednesday will be a new random list. I love lists and so this serves two purposes: 1) it give me a chance to make lists about things that interest me and 2) it allows all 4 of my readers to learn more random facts about me. So to those faithful four, this list is for you (and a little bit me)....

10 Places I'd Like to Travel to Before I Die

1. Italy

2. New Zealand

3. Alaska

4. Scottland/Ireland - these go together in my head

5. The Virgin Islands

6. New York

7. Yellowstone National Park

8. Fiji

9. BoraBora

10. Australia

As it turns out, I may be going to Alaska next summer. I am pretty pumped. And my bestie and I have a trip planned to Europe. This trip is currently just planned in our minds, without a goal date, but it WILL happen. Other than that I am wide open. If anyone wants to plan a trip to these places, I am game. And if you want to find a backer to finance this for me, I'd be much obliged. And that was my Listamania!

* post title is in reference to a Phoenix song of the same name

Square Peg in a Round Hole

2010-07-27T15:55:00.005-05:00

I have been called a lot of things by a lot of people. Some of it nice and others, slightly less so. And I am quite sure that I have deserved both sides of that coin at one point or another. But of all the things people have called me, none of them have ever been "indecisive". I am definitely a girl who knows, and speaks her mind. On any given point I have already decided my stance, or made a plan and can tell you how I am going to get there. If a stance has not been made, trust me I am working on it. So, the moral of the story: I know what I want and how I want it and I do my best to make it happen. you can imagine, then, how much I like it when I am wrong. Not very.

But, I am wrong a lot. I had a visit from my best friend this past weekend and she wasted no time in telling me how wrong I was on a few topics. Our friendship is seventeen years old and we have been through a lot together, but she was actually nervous to tell me I was wrong. This is not a good sign. But to my credit, her head remained intact, it was not bitten off. I don't think I even showed my teeth. And I think a lot of this has to do with the way God has been grooming me lately to receive the truth with grace. I have this group of peeps here in Houston that occasionally do some confronting and try to teach this old dog some new tricks. And while it never feels GREAT to be reprimanded, it does feel good to know that they care enough to tell you the truth and not let you sink lower and lower in to bad or nasty habits.

Also, this decisiveness of mine leads me to believe that I know what is best for me. And on this point I am also wrong a lot. You see, I am a creature of habit. I have set ways of doing things. And even if those ways are no longer getting optimal results, I have a hard time abandoning them. Let me give an example, in my life I have dated the same type of guy - charming, extroverted, decisive, leader. And I have thought that this type was good for me. But, none of these relationships have lasted. So... perhaps my idea of right needs some tweaking. This scares me though because this is the territory I am used to. But, perhaps different is better. I am slowly learning this lesson and learning to be more open minded to alternatives. Not just in this case, but in all cases. This is so difficult for me. I am not exaggerating when I say that I do not like change.

I have been fighting a battle with myself and God about what needs to happen in my life and the steps I need to take to get there. As usual, my plans are about what I think I need and what I feel are best. But all of this amounts to what I want. But... I ultimately get what is best and then have the audacity to feel I have been slighted or cheated out of the greater good. This is such a selfish mentality. It is something I am working on. The big picture. It is so easy to get caught in the here and now and what that feels like. But in the Christian life point A and point B are sometimes just stopping places on the longer journey to an unknown and unseen endpoint. I want to see that ending and know it will end well. It is why I sometimes read the last page of a book. Just to know how it ends. But, what I will also say is that I am learning the lesson on how to be refined and how to do that with grace. Do you know how hard it is to handle life's refining fires with grace? They burn and they are uncomfortable. But... how good it feels to be purified and purged.

What a work in progress I am. And I am happy to be so. I am learning so much from this editing process. And lesson numero uno is that I do not know best on most things, especially those things that I have already made up my mind on. Flexibility and change are good things. But the application of these concepts is another story altogether. E for effort right?

* post title is in reference to a Wakey!Wakey! song of the same name

She's Only Happy in the Sun

2010-07-23T00:00:00.002-05:00

You know how some people say things like "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again" and "get back on the horse" and even "fake it till you make it"? Lately, I have lost some of my will to do any of the following things: get up, try again and fake it. Now, I know that my saying that may lead some to think that I have given up all will to live. I want to stress that I am not depressed or down trodden or any of those things. I think I am just needing rest and renewal. This week has been busy. Because I am a list person, I continuously find myself making mental checklists of things that need to get done. The problem is that I seldom get through all of the things on my list and because it is mental in nature, I tend to forget the deadlines or the tasks altogether. This coupled with my procrastinating tendencies means that I have things on my list that, ideally, should have been done yesterday. But here I am in today and I am scrambling to organize the details of my life. The end of summer is quickly approaching and with its end, comes the beginning of a new semester which will hopefully bring for me a new teaching class and a return to work. But these are the ends, right now I am having to tie up the loose ends of all those means. This means I have forms to fill out, papers to send off, classes to register for, documents to find, etc.

This is where all my energy is going this week - well that and my daily workouts and my almost 3 year old. So, naturally, I am finding that I have no time or care left for my social life this week. By that I mean, I have not really talked to or hung out with friends this week and I don't really mind. I am a people person and I feed off of a crowd, but even I like to retreat to my turtle shell every now and then and just be alone with my thoughts.

And here are my thoughts this week:

1) that being with people all the time does not always equal quality time

2) that I expect to get out of a friendship, exactly what I put in to it

3) that I try too hard to bend people to my will

4) that I let the details distract me from the larger picture

5) that I tend to function best when all things are around 75%, when I give something 100% then another area of my life tends to drop to 50%

So, I am finding that under the weight of responsibilities this week, my reaction is to withdrawal and mope. This is not very becoming, of this I am sure. I think what I need is to get the rest of these ducks in their necessary rows so that I can exert my energy elsewhere. Either that, or I need to get more sleep instead of staying up late to to type a blog. Bottom line: I will try again until I succeed. I will eventually make it without faking it. But right now I need to just sit on the ground and collect myself, catch my breath and count to ten before I stand up and try again.

- post title is a reference to a Ben Harper song of the same name

Did you hear the one about...

2010-07-12T15:49:00.005-05:00

Ok, this is going to be brutally honest - because I think it is a topic that needs brutal honesty. I say that more to myself than anyone else because I know that I get sucked in to the gossip vortex on a daily basis. And the thing is that I don't really want to be there, and I know I shouldn't be there, but if you dance around the edge long enough then you get swept up just the same.

So, I guess it is clear that I am talking about gossip in this post. Being a female, I consider myself to be somewhat of an authority on the topic. That's not to say that being female= being a gossip. There are plenty of stronger women than I, when it comes to this particular weakness. But, I know that for me gossip is one of those slippery little shadows that creeps right in when you aren't looking and infests a conversation.

Here are the different definitions/justifications that I have heard about gossip:

I used to think that if I was talking about someone out of love and kindness than it wasn't gossip. I guess the rationale was that the sentiment behind the talk cancelled out the wrongness of it. Recently, I heard someone explain gossip this way, "if I wouldn't say it to someones face, then I shouldn't say it when they aren't here". Another girl I know said something to the effect that if the person you are talking to doesn't know the person you are talking about, then how is that gossip. And still another person (me), used the excuse that I was merely venting about how someone made me feel - emphasis on me, not them. And of course, there is the old stand by of masking gossip for prayer requests. So right off of the top of my head, I listed four or five good reasons and justifications for gossip, and those are just the ones I have done or heard within the last month. Basically, if you need justification than it is out there.

But what I have been hit with lately is the idea that even painted up garbage is still garbage and that is what gossip is - it is garbage. We can paint it up anyway we would like and razzle-dazzle it all day, but underneath all that justification is still garbage. Just that word justification is a red flag to me. To "justify" something means to "defend" something. I typically do not defend myself unless I feel threatened. And why shouldn't I feel threatened by the act of gossip? It goes against the very essence of who God wants me to be. To be spiritually "justified", means to be made righteous from sin by a Holy God. So in that essence, I suppose we have it right - we do need "justification" for gossip.

I know I am coming across as preachy on this topic and I am not intending to. Well, maybe I am - but it is only because God has really been working on me in this area for some time. And having clawed my way through understanding, it is my desire to share what I've learned. And that is this: that nothing good can ever come of talking negatively about another person. Period. If you think about it, what good does it serve. What is the greater purpose in sharing those sentiments? I admit that not that long ago I went to a friend with a concern I had about someone elses behavior and how it was affecting me. And in his wisdom, my friend stopped me in my tracks and asked me to stop talking about that situation. His reasoning was that he felt that my story was causing him to have a negative impression of the person I was referring to. I had wanted to be understood and heard, but I didn't realize what my need was doing to the reputation of that other person.

I so greatly appreciate the words of that friend in that moment because they have stuck with me and I have remembered them and passed them on. There is so much truth in those words. If we are to let no unwholesome talk come out of our mouths, if we are to be edifying and encouraging to one another - then where does that leave us when it comes to gossip. It leaves us on the defensive, because it just doesn't match God's plan for us. Regardless of our concern, or our feelings, nothing I say about someone else should change another person's opinion of them. Our words are so powerful and so piercing. Even to those who don't hear them. It is like that little bot of yeast the Bible talks about that works it's way through the bread and eventually taints the whole thing. Or like that old game of telephone that starts out innocent and simple and travels through a billion filters to end up miles away from the original meaning.

There are a lot of words in this post- even looking at them I know it seems like a bit of a soap box. I have wanted to say something about gossip for a long time. And I guess this comes pretty close to what I wanted to say. I have been the victim of gossip as surely as I have initiated it. So I am preaching directly into the ear of the choir on this one, with a very loud microphone. But, I know what it is like to want to trust people and to desire someone to talk to and befriend. And when you open up to people you want to trust that they are giving you the benefit of the doubt and seeing you in the best possible light. And you want to trust that even when you aren't there, and when you can't hear, that they are defending you and affirming you. The alternative is just ugly and hurtful, and also the very definition of gossip. Just food for thought.

I Need You Like a Hurricane

2010-07-08T22:48:00.003-05:00

"... beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most.Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up... and it will." - Birdee Pruitt in "Hope Floats"

For the last few minutes I have been sitting here staring at the screen, fingers perched over the keys, waiting for the words to come. And it is almost like a log jam is happening in my brain. There is so much substance trying to come through all at once that the result is a whole lot of nothing is actually getting through. Occasionally this does happen to me and it usually happens when I am stressed. I know, I know - I shouldn't stress, or worry, or be anxious for anything. And in an ideal world I would not sweat the small stuff or the big stuff or anything in between. But then again, in an ideal world there would be nothing to sweat, would there? As it is, I live in reality (well, most of the time anyway) and sometimes in my world small stuff becomes big stuff and the big stuff can become a bit overwhelming.

See the thing is I am really great when it comes to being solo. I am really quite stellar when I work alone. And honestly, there are times when I prefer it. I know that I will do things according to my standard and so I tend to volunteer to do things and fill my plate to the top so that I can be in control and so that all my expectations are met. In that way, I won't be disappointing anyone else (only myself) and also, no one will be disappointing me. For me, it is just easier to trust myself.

But man was created singularly and God saw that it was not good for him to be alone. And in my life i know that the same is true for me. My friends and family have buoyed me in choppy waters and have filled my heart with joy and laughter. I would not wish them away if I could. But, the thing about letting people in is that sometimes they hurt and disappoint you. Occasionally they say and do things that leave you reeling from pain. I am reeling today because someone in my life failed to reach the bar I have set for them. Should I lower my standards? Allow them to be less than they can be? Or do I forgive and hope for the best? I am shrugging my shoulders at this because I just don't know. I know what I want to do and I know what I need to do and I am waiting for that magic moment when they become the same thing. And that is the hope that I cling to - that I know will eventually rise to the top - that trusting in God will never let me down.

"It's been six days and we're all still waiting- waiting for someone to come. Well, what if they don't? We have to stop waiting. We need to start figuring things out... Last week most of us were strangers. But we're all here now, and God knows how long we're going to be here. But if we can't live together... we're going to die alone." - Dr. Jack Shephard on "Lost"

Did you know?

2010-07-06T22:52:00.002-05:00

Last year, about this time, I wrote a list of 101 things about me. At the time, I remember finding this to be a rather difficult task. But a year has passed and I think it is about time to update my list. I have learned some new things about myself this year. I have let some things go and replaced the old with the new in some instances. So here is my Leslie 101 facts for this current state of my life.

1. I very much dislike repeating myself. Once is OK, twice is pushing it and three times comes with a punch in the face.
2. Honesty and kindness have become very important to me.
3. I think that guys who can dance and or play a musical instrument are super hot.
4. Three things that I am surprisingly descent at: darts, putt-putt golf and skiing.
5. Turning 25 really freaked me out, but 30 is around the corner and I feel just fine.
6. If they made a gasoline candle I would smell it all day long.
7. Lately, I have been very interested in reading and watching "the classics".
8. I get absolutely terrified to sing Karaoke, but I have no problems leading worship.
9. I have started calling my blackberry my "precious". This is not a good sign.
10. My biggest fear is losing someone I love in a sudden and tragic way.
11. I can yodel, but only one song.
12. I really really want to be in New Directions (from Glee).
13. Even though I can't stand conflict or drama, I have zero problems with confrontation.
14. I always keep deodorant and a toothbrush in my purse for emergency situations.
15. I wish The Office would either get funnier or give it up.
16. My fear of flying was born right about the same time as my son.
17. When I retire, I want to open a used book store in a quaint old house.
18. I once cut my own wrist with a butter knife, trying to prove that such a thing was impossible.
19. I have run into my own house with my car once, and with my parent's cars twice.
20. No matter how much I dislike Kanye, I can not help but love his music.
21. I know very useless trivia about celebrities and pop culture.
22. My idea of a dream vacation is a Mediterranean cruise.
23. My family loves to make music videos and synchronized swimming routines.
24. I am obsessed with taking pictures and uploading them ASAP.
25. I hate it when people say "believe you me".
26. I have a knack for remembering faces.
27. I have seen every episode of Friends at least 4 times.
28. Sometimes I can start singing a song when I get in the car and then when I turn the car on it will be on the radio.
29. When I am stressed, I get tension headaches from clenching and popping my jaw.
30. For some reason I love Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.
31. I do not do well with old people (except my grandparents).
32. I love everything 80's.
33. I am over Will Farrell but hung up on Ryan Reynolds and Shia LeBeouf.
34. Every year, I print and fill out a ballot for the Oscars.
35. I look in the $5 movie bin every time I go to Wal Mart but I have never bought a movie from there.
36. I have to sleep with the fan on and the closet door closed.
37. I crave McDonald's chicken nuggets and Chipotle chicken tacos.
38. When Luke was little, I started laughing like the dough boy every time he poked my belly button. Now I have to do that every time because he thinks it is so funny.
39. My goal is to be able to run 5 miles straight. Right now I am at 2.
40. I laugh insanely hard at Judd Apatow movies and then feel bad about it later.
41. Toy Story is my favorite animated movie. I wore out my VHS in college from watching it so much.
42. I prefer Matt Damon to Ben Affleck, hands down.
43. I do not do well with whining.
44. My family calls me Banana or Nana Head, but I don't really care for bananas.
45. Spicy foods make me really sick to my stomach.
46. I like the idea of online dating.
47. In my opinion, Harry Potter is preferred over Twilight.
48. Andrew Bernard is my favorite Office character.
49. All my friends love the Gilmore Girls, but I would much rather watch One Tree Hill.
50. I watch White Christmas and Elf every Christmas.
51. My best time of day is from 5 pm to 10 pm.
52. I own two pairs of high heeled shoes, but I never wear them.
53. I can not stand Oprah, but I do like her book club.
54. I love river water, tolerate ocean water and dislike lake water.
55. I frequently have dreams and usually remember them.
56. I laugh at my own jokes.
57. When I go on vacation, I buy a deck of cards as a souvenir.
58. I got fired from Chipotle but I still love to eat there.
59. I hate Mayonnaise and anything that smells or looks like it.
60. The Sonic commercials crack me up.
61. When I play Rock Band, I am killer at the drums.
62. Headaches freak me out.
63. If I know a book is being made in to a movie, I have to read the book first.
64. My hair is naturally blond and very wavy.
65. I think CROCS are genius.
66. I wave at the camera when I drive through the toll booth.
67. I don't like cinnamon flavored drinks or food.
68. I rarely chew gum, but I can pop a ridiculous amount of tic tacs.
69. I love jeans and a t-shirt.
70. I snore.
71. I consider myself gifted at making up songs on the spot to express my thoughts and feelings.
72. I like going to the movies alone.
73. When out, I like to sit in the middle of a crowd of people.
74. I have no problem dog-earring my own books, but I do not like other people dog-earring the books I loan them.
75. I keep a book of who I've loaned books to.
76. I HATE to lose and often pad my team to prevent it.
77. I only blow dry my hair about twice a week.
78. I have had the same cell phone number for 7 years.
79. I am team Pacey, not team Dawson.
80. I talk to myself at least once a day.
81. I seldom eat chicken and never eat steak.
82. I do not like orange juice or milk.
83. My sister's wedding marked my 7th time to be a bridesmaid.
84. My best friend has been my best friend since 8th grade.
85. 3 of my 10 favorite movies are musicals.
86. I know every word to "Shoop" by Salt 'N Pepa and "Stay" by Lisa Loeb.
87. I Google everything.
88. There is something about Nicholas Cage and Kirsten Dunst that I can't stand and can't explain why.
89. Lord of the Rings is one of my favorite books.
90. I drink iced tea by the gallon, which is why...
91. I've had 3 kidney stones and always feel like another is on the way.
92. While I like a clean house, my car is usually dirty.
93. Every time I grocery shop I end up handing the cashier at least 2 items that I have decided I no longer need.
94. Every year I make a list of my top 5 actors, actresses and movies.
95. I love to make and eat spaghetti and meatballs.
96. I am very, very clumsy.
97. I feel guilt when I don't return my grocery cart to it's designated corale.
98. I have read every single Jodi Picoult book.
99. Joshua Radin, Shane and Shane and Jimmy Needham are on rotation in my car cd player.
100. I think Samwise Gamgee is the best character in any book I've ever read.
101. I feel a deep need to be the first among my friends and family to see or read something.

Alright. Some fun facts about me. Interesting? Did you already know those things? Makes me curious. Another fun fact: sometimes I wonder if they put me on a game show and asked me to pick 5 people in my life who know me the best to answer questions about me for money, who would I pick? I think I know. But it changes all the time. So, study up friends in case that actually happens and I decide to pick you. Hey, it could happen.

Making the Grade

2010-06-30T22:16:00.006-05:00

A couple of things have been happening recently that have me in some serious deep-thought moments. In my Christian walk, I have found that when it rains it pours. And by that I mean, when God finds an opportunity to teach me a lesson (as in, I am ready to receive it), He goes overboard on the visual aides. Now, granted, I can be a bit thick-headed and stubborn, so perhaps the added emphasis is necessary. But sometimes it just feels like being kicked in the spiritual gut.

Lately, I have been getting bombarded with lessons on gossip and approval. I have a lot to say about gossiping (pun intended), so I will save that for a later post. But the other thing, this need for approval, has been a life-long struggle that continues to rise and subside in my life. It is no secret that I am a people- PLEASER. It is a need (not a want) for the people I care about to find my actions both good and pleasing. It's not so much that I need people to like me, it's more about the fact that I need the people that I like to like what I do. So, as a child, it was more upsetting for me to have my parents say, "I'm disappointed", than it was to be grounded or punished.

Because of this need to please, I have occasionally let what others think, or feel, about me dictate my own emotional and mental state. I will give you a perfect example: last Saturday, some girl friends of mine went and wrapped the house of our guy friend who was having a guys night at his house. It was absolutely enjoyable until I was led to believe that people were angry and disappointed. I was henceforth crippled with worry and anxiety that my friends were now seeing me in a negative light. And this worry consumed me and transformed this night of fellowship into an anxiety-fest that ended in tears. Why? Why did I care so much about pleasing that I drained the joy out of an otherwise delightful evening?

Looking inside myself, I think it is because I am a person who cares deeply about people. And when I find that someone has earned my respect it becomes essential that I earn theirs in return. I like balance and order and I need to know that the scales are even. I need to know that the people I call dear hold me to the same esteem that I hold them in. It is a tall order. And maybe a somewhat unrealistic expectation. And hidden beneath that expectation is a fear, of not being enough. It is a very real fear with some extremely deep roots. It comes from times in my life when I didn't make the team, when the guy didn't like me back, when the guy liked me enough to kiss me but not enough to date me, when I studied and failed a test, when I put everything in to a work project and was still criticized, and when I did my best to create a home and it seemed he didn't want to come home to it. These efforts, the moments when I opened up to possibility and gave it my everything (and sometimes a bit more), seemed futile because they weren't enough to get me to my goal. No matter what the actual reason, these losses translated into failure due to not being enough: talented enough, pretty enough, worthy enough, smart enough, or loving enough. In the moment, these hurts were fierce and they confirmed the lies I told myself about needing to try harder and be more. It took some time and maturity to let most of this go and to get to the point where a loss can be placed in the proper context. But sometimes I still struggle with the temptation to make mountains out of mole-hills when it comes to letting people down.

I know you can't please everyone all the time. But I still want to. I still want to prove to them, and myself, that I am enough. I want them to see the enough-ness in me and for them to recognize it through my obvious flaws. And I think I need this, because I need it for myself. I tend to give myself a very hard time when it comes to falling. My initial response is to see it as failure, when I know that it is just trial and error. Life is a process of making mistakes, correcting them and learning from them. I do know this. And I know that I am more than enough in Christ and that He has set me free from condemnation (even my own). I have found peace in who I am in Christ and truly feel that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. But I am also human, and I have fears and insecurities just like everyone else. My hope is that by putting a name and a face to this fear that I can lessen it's presence in my life and start recognizing to for the thing that I know it is.

So, all of this gobbelty gook is meant to say that I am being taught to seek the approval of God, rather than man. This is a hard lesson that is fighting against some long-standing defenses and fears. But in the end, God will prevail and in this weakness I will be made strong.

a lesson on bravery, not brevity

2010-06-17T22:23:00.010-05:00

Today, I want to talk about the word BRAVE. When I think of this word I imagine super-heroes and people defying all odds. It seems such a huge word to try and fill. If this were a word association game and you said "brave", I would respond with "soldier", "martyr" or "high school teacher". At least, this is what I would have said if I hadn't really tried to wrap my brain around the word. And so it was with the word "brave".

In recent years I have seen bravery in the most amazing places. When my best friend chose to carry her unborn child even when the odds weren't good, when my friends said goodbye to their husbands as they were deployed yet again, when a friends mother fought her cancer in unconventional ways, when my brother-in-law chased some kids down the street to film a drug deal, when my friend quit her job on faith that she would get another one, when another friend said yes to move to Singapore to do God's work, when my son jumps through the air knowing that someone will surely catch him, and when my dad left a good job to start his own company from scratch. These are just a few examples and there are so many more. To me, bravery is stepping out into the world of possibility without the safety net of knowledge. It is letting go and diving in without the slightest idea of how things are going to turn out and just facing what lies ahead.

I will admit that I am not really very brave. I am fairly trusting, which is a somewhat bravery of its own, but not risky. In fact, I tease a friend of mine about living in a box, but my life is as cardboard as it comes. Except for one area, words. Words are my weapon of choice. I feel most confident when I can talk my way through something or when I am afforded the opportunity to explain myself. Maybe this is why I hold honesty in such high regard. And not just honesty, but vulnerable honesty. This is the most admirable thing to me - when someone speaks out of love or conviction not knowing what the response might be.

This week I rolled some dice of my own and I spoke truth with a friend that I truly respect. I spent days perfecting the speech in my head, because I wanted it to be the exact representation of my heart and I wanted it to be genuine and to the point. It was a gamble for me, and an uneasy time of questioning and doubting. And in the end, it did not happen the way I thought it would happen or go the way I thought it would go - but it happened all the same.

Before I finish that story I want to share this side note, in my marriage I endured moments of great heartache and great joy. And when that relationship ended I was wounded and broken. I felt I had lost my voice and my spark - I was a diluted version of myself. And I decided it was better to hide away and heal. I went to my Sunday school class but I didn't engage and I refused to open up because I was afraid to let people in. I was afraid to let them see how hurt and alone I was and I didn't want them to see the scars I was carrying from another life and another person I was letting go of. I was afraid that I would be seen as damaged goods. But with great care, I opened those doors and let the life back in and slowly I welcomed vulnerability. And with this came friendships. I let people into my life again and I allowed them to see the good, and eventually the bad. And when that happened, I found that I had things to offer again. I found that I had value and worth. It was nice to be seen again. And through this process I let people in to my life that truly started to mean something to me.

Back to the story, I felt like I needed to tell one of these people something that was important to me and that in doing so I would risk the possibility that it would change things. But it needed to be said. So, I said it, without sugar coating it. And it didn't go the way I had hoped or planned. But in a way it was better. I took a risk and spoke my heart. And I meant every word. While I can not and will not go into any more details I want to say that this was a huge step for me. If anything I was able to honestly share my thoughts and feelings without fear of rejection or repercussion. This was possible because I believed that the act of saying it and having it said were more important than the response to it. Of course, not hearing the words you want to hear is always hard. Not being completely accepted or received is not preferred. While I had no expectations, I did have hopes for how the conversation would go and all of them ended with us both being on the same page. This did not happen. And I fight the impulse to take this personally. This person also spoke the truth back to me and some of it was hard to hear. There are areas in my heart that haven't fully healed and places that are still raw. I kill myself to protect these soft places and set up many traps and defense mechanisms to keep them safe. And this person spoke realities that touched at the core of some of those issues and made me truly face the things I fear. While my pride is wounded, my friendship is not. It was my own experiment in bravery. I won't say that it was a failure, because I did what I intended to do. And being able to open up and let someone new in to see the vulnerable side of me was refreshing. Just the fact that I was able to do that has made all the difference.

- if you are reading this (even though I told you not to) please know that it is an honor to share truths with you, if nothing else.

If single, should mingle?

2010-06-17T14:33:00.003-05:00

My bestie just told me yesterday that all of my blog posts as of late have been of heavy substance. And to that I say, I just cant help myself. I guess I am just a person of substance. The trend will continue because today I am posting about something that is hitting pretty close to home for me right now. As always, I am striving for honesty here and the truth may be a teeny bit ugly. To protect the innocent (and not so innocent) I will be vague where I can and omit names and places. Relax, I am making it seem more juicy than it will be. Reputations are not on the line- except maybe my own.

On Tuesday night I was out with some of my friends from my College and Young Singles class at church. We were eating at the crab shack and sharing some laughs. And then the topic turned to friendships and the mood changed ever so slightly. I was in mixed company and the discussion was on guy/girl friendships and if such a thing could
a.) ever be healthy
b.) ever be platonic
c.) ever be beneficial
This was a conversation I have had and heard before. Some of the people at the table said that it was NEVER a good idea because someone usually gets hurt. While others argued that if the cards were on the table and everyone understood then it was fine for two people without attraction to hang out. I listened back and forth and silently tallied the points in my head for both arguments. It was an interesting topic for me because I have a history of friendships with males. So this got me thinking. And I came up with the conclusion that it was possible, but not plausible that two people could be strictly friends because USUALLY one person has (or ends up with) attraction for the other. I was pretty set in this conclusion until I did some research into my own life. And here is what I saw:

In 29 years of life, I have had 4 serious relationships. In 3 of those situations, I was "friends" with the guy for a while before a relationship ever began. Also in the last 29 years of my life, I would say that I have had a close friendship (that never matured into anything more) with 6 guys. Of those, I would say that I had feelings for only 2 of them and that at one point or another I was made aware that 3 of them had feelings for me. Based on these stats alone, I would say that the odds are not in the favor of my theory. Obviously, relationships are born from friendships and if not then in most cases one friend has feelings for the other. So, after considering this my theory had some serious holes in it.

Fast forward a day and I am summarizing both my thoughts and the initial conversation for a friend (who is a guy). And the can got opened up again. Only this time it was more personal because I was talking about the pluses and minuses of a girl/guy friendship with a guy that this girl has a friendship with. It was very interesting. And it ended with me changing my mind on the whole debate. Do I think it is possible for a guy and girl to be friends without crossing lines and boundaries? Yes, I do. It has happened to me a total of 2 times. But I also think that achieving this is extremely rare and very difficult. It requires an openness and a dialogue that centers around honesty and clear boundaries and expectations. The problem is that when feelings are involved it gets just a shade harder to be completely honest. Honesty makes you vulnerable and people tend to shy away from vulnerability. However, I currently have a male friend that I trust 100% and I genuinely feel that this person respects and cares about me and my feelings. in this situation we have spoken honestly about what to expect and not expect and have dialogued about what a healthy relationship looks like for a guy and a girl. And I think it works. At least, I am finding that it does.

It is so funny to me that I am even at a point in my life to have this debate. It has been a while since I had male friends that I hung out with or talked to. When I was married, that was a boundary that wasn't crossed. And now, it is weird for me to be entering in to a time when these things deserve attention and thought. Let me also say this, I believe that with age and life experience you can a maturity that makes what I am saying a bit more realistic. When, as a woman, you become secure in yourself and who you are in Christ, it becomes less important to have your needs met by a male. And then it becomes easier to maintain healthy emotional boundaries and also easier to identify and communicate when those boundaries go astray. At least this is true for me and my life. I will freely admit that in college I had some inappropriate friendships that had some blurred boundaries and people ended up hurt or used. It happens. But it shouldn't and it doesn't need to. Unfortunately though, I didn't know then all the things I know now. And probably I only know those things because I learned them the hard way.

Anyway, this has been in my head and heart lately because it is a time in my life when I am revisiting and reevaluating my stance on this matter. And I am a bit surprised by how much has changed since this was last an issue for me. I like being challenged to evaluate my actions and to really debate about what is permissible versus what is beneficial. I am pleased as punch to find that I am indeed growing up in some senses. Just food for thought.

Just Not Feeling It

2010-06-15T23:30:00.002-05:00

Under normal circumstances I consider myself a glass half-full kind of girl. I understand the reality of life and what I call the always and nevers. For instance, you can NEVER make everyone happy or your friends won't ALWAYS agree with you. I am not naive enough to think that every story has a happy ending or that people get out what they out into something. In fact, I tend to get annoyed with books, movies and TV shows that portray ideal situations because that isn't reality. In reality, people get hurt when they take chances. In reality, the person you like sometimes doesn't feel the same. In reality, you can be the best at something and still lose. In reality, you can devote your whole life to one thing and then get it and still not be happy. But despite all this, I am usually still optimistic and hopeful. I get the reality but I tend to focus on the possibility.

However, today is not one of those days. Well, that's not really accurate. Today has been somewhat of a mixed bag of emotions and thoughts. Someone dear to my heart lost something precious today. This person lost the baby that she was carrying with hopeful expectations. It is a time of sorrow and questioning. The circumstances seem exceedingly cruel to me. I know that God gives and takes away. But even I, who has complete faith in His plans, sometimes questions why? I spoke with this person today and in her tears she said "these things happen" and "it will be OK". And what I want to say is that yes, it will be OK. Wounds heal and life goes on. There is strength in facing circumstances and embracing the pain without letting it consume you.

I have been hit hard by this situation today. I admit that I am crying as I type this. It is so unbelievably hard to watch someone you love go through such pain. But it is also so encouraging to watch them rise above it.

In my life I have had the honor of being blessed with friends who truly care. And not just care, but encourage. Lately, I have found that when I voice my need for help, help comes. Today, I told a friend that I was having a hard time and they responded with scripture. How lucky I am to have friends who love me enough to speak the truth. This friend referred me to Psalms 63 which says, in verses 7 and 8,

Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.
My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.

And also to Psalm 138, versus 3 and 7-8:

When I called, you answered me;you made me bold and stouthearted.

and

8 The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me;

your love, O LORD, endures forever—

do not abandon the works of your hands.

I am thankful for these words. And even as I read them and type I am becoming emotional by the promises in them. You may read this and feel something different or they may not mean the same thing to you. But to me they show that there is a help, an answer and a purpose in my life and that even though I don't see it, it is there. And when you feel alone or "cursed" or punished, take heart that you have not been abandoned. The work is still being done.

Emotionally, I am working through some stuff tonight and I admit that some of that feeling may be getting in the way of the point I am trying to make. Either way, it has been cathartic for me to process my grief in this way.

Just Keep Swimming, Just Keep Swimming!

2010-06-14T23:00:00.004-05:00

Where are in the thick of summer, in Houston, which means it is hot, hot, HOT! Luckily, we have the best solution to summer heat right in our own backyard. I stated at the beginning of the summer that my goal was to swim everyday. And thus far it has been a near perfect record. We have enjoyed many hours beside the pool, soaking up the scorching sun and splashing in the water.

If you recall, last spring Luke was taking swim lessons. He did average for his age. Sometime this spring he received a new life jacket and his confidence was immediately boosted. From that point on he was unstoppable. My son is a swimmer folks. He can kick, float, put his face in the water and then come back up for air. It is a remarkable change from last summer and a welcome one.

I love the confidence he is expressing in his new abilities. you can see it in his face and his countenance that he loves challenging himself. Now my goal is to let that baby boy soar as high as he can. As a mother it is so easy to think of the ways that he might hurt himself. And there are times when my every impulse is to pull him back and keep him safe. But what is the fun in that? How can he learn to explore and test the limits with my death grip around his arm? Granted, he is 2, so limits are being tested everyday in every way. And while this is annoying and occasionally ends in timeouts, it can also serve to develop that part of his character that I was missing. It took me many years to learn to let go and take risks. If he can learn this lesson early, so many more doors and experiences become his to enjoy. So, I cautiously loosen the reigns and let him be a little boy. His excitement stretches to his fingertips and his joy is evident on his face.

And this is evident when he swims. He wants everyone to see and to watch. He is proud of himself for trying and succeeding... a little more every time. What a fun way to watch someone grow up. So we are swimming, A LOT! It has become our favorite summer activity. So if you can't find us, we are probably outside, diving and sliding and making waves.

Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?

2010-06-11T23:46:00.007-05:00

There has been a theme for this week that revolves around being in want/or need and what to do when that want or need is not met. What do you make of that? I know several people who are going through something hard in their life that does not register as happy-making on the feelings scale. In fact, some of these situations are producing some major pain, heartache, disappointment and confusion. And these are situations without human answers, things that make you say "hmmm". As a person who is a problem solver in her inner core, this lack of answers does not resonate well for me. I want to locate a solution and make it happen. I need to connect A to B so that it equals PEACE. Therefore, I am hurting alongside those who hurt this week and I am questioning with you and for you.

I know this is not foreign to many of you but God gives and He takes away. No one likes to focus on that last part because we see God as someone who loves and cares for us. Why then does He not give us the things we want? Even His word says that he longs to give us the desires of our hearts. So why am I watching my friends and family grieve for the closed doors and windows in their life? Shouldn't those that are faithful get the things that they desire most?

Well they certainly would if this were a 30 minute sitcom or if God were a Zoltar machine that spit out granted wishes. But this is REAL life and answers are not always visible to the naked eye. I firmly believe that God wants our desires to be His desires and vice versa. And when that happens then He wants to give those things to us. But they have to match. It's like a giant game of Memory. When the two images match then you get to keep the cards. Still, it hurts something fierce to be denied the things we really want. That gets taught at age 2 when you want every toy on the toy aisle and you hear the dreaded word "NO!". It shatters us. Because we think we deserve to get it all. Because if they loved you, you would. Really? Here is a song I found this week that I have heard many times but echoed deeper and wider this week because I was wrestling through these thoughts.

Send some rain, would You send some rain?

'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again

And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade

Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?

Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down

Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid

But maybe not, not today

Maybe You'll provide in other ways

And if that's the case . . .

We'll give thanks to You With gratitude

For lessons learned in how to thirst for You

How to bless the very sun that warms our face

If You never send us rain

Daily bread, give us daily bread

Bless our bodies, keep our children fed

Fill our cups, then fill them up again tonight

Wrap us up and warm us through

Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs

Let us slumber safe from danger's view this time

Or maybe not, not today

Maybe You'll provide in other ways

And if that's the case . . .
We'll give thanks to You With gratitude

A lesson learned to hunger after You

That a starry sky offers a better view if no roof is overhead

And if we never taste that bread

Oh, the differences that often are between

What we want and what we really need

So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace

Move our hearts to hear a single beat

Between alibis and enemies tonight

Or maybe not, not today

Peace might be another world away

And if that's the case . . .

We'll give thanks to You With gratitude

For lessons learned in how to trust in You

That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream

In abundance or in need

And if You never grant us peace
But Jesus, would You please . . .

I think the answer here is that we change our focus and our perspective. We learn to take the "no" in life and be grateful for what it may be teaching us. God is the ultimate parent and He doesn't want a spoiled brat of a child any more than we do. So, he shuts a few doors and ignores a few requests and says NO every once in a while. Too bad we can't pick the whens and hows of this. But a friend referred me to Isaiah 55:8-9 this week which says (in paraphrase) that God's ways are higher than our ways and His thoughts are higher than our thoughts. So I guess He has the credentials to handle our every situation. He doesn't need our problem solving skills or even our input. And our tantrum isn't necessary either. But sometimes it does help. Occasionally it can be frustrating. It is what it is. And we can live in the hurt or find beauty in the alternative. I know this is easier said than done. And to those who are hurting, I don't diminish your pain. I write this to make sense of it myself. All this being said, I think it is like the last line of the song... you may not get what you want, or what you think you need... but it never hurts to ask.

***song is "Gratitude" by Nichole Nordeman***

It's Potty Time!

2010-06-08T23:44:00.006-05:00

In the life of every child there comes a point where it's time to put on the big boy underpants. For my son, that time is now. You guessed it, it's potty training time. After a pretty rough start things are moving pretty well. I can almost see the finish line now and there are mixed feelings. On the one hand I am pleased that there will be no more diapers, which means no more ridiculous amount of dollars spent on buying said diapers. And yet, this also means that I do not have a baby anymore, but a big boy. It's funny, I can remember Luke as a newborn, but I have forgotten what his fingers felt like and how his skin smelt. All the traces of being a baby are leaving him right along with his dependence on me. And this is a tough pill for a mom to swallow. I like being needed. I may not be Super Mom but I am pretty good at being Luke's mom. To know that there are more and more things that he wants to do himself is bittersweet.

To begin this process we had to introduce the potty as a thing of privilege. It had to be seen as a right of passage. After that we did what any self-respecting parent does and we resorted to bribery to get the job done. Of course, we called it incentives, but still. We started with stickers and then when that didn't work we resorted to candy and then when that lost its appeal we moved to toys. And so far, this is working. However, we are maxed out on the toys and the stash has been depleted. Which means, the time for prizes has run out. From this day forward, the act of using the potty is appreciated and expected, but not rewarded. I suspect that this news will not go over well tomorrow when the applause and cheers are the only reward for a job well done. Let this be a lesson in disappointment.
Which brings me to this: in my everyday struggles and life lessons I too face some disappointments and it never seems to get easier. Whether you are 2 or 20-something, it doesn't feel good to expect something and receive nothing. In my relationships with people, I think I sometimes expect the pat on the backs, the thank yous and the rewards. As someone I know says, " do you want a star or a cookie?". And the truth is that sometimes I do want recognition for a job well done. I want to know that others recognize that I tried and succeeded. Yes, I know that this is not necessarily a good thing that I speak of. I should not do things for recognition. My motive for doing things for others should not be to receive something in return. Then why do I get so annoyed when people don't respond to a kind word, a thoughtful gesture or an act of generosity? It is a good question and one that I am trying to find the answer to as I look within myself.

But what I do know is that sometimes there are tasks or challenges in life that God places in our path to help us "grow up". At times there are definitive moments where He wants us to prove our faithfulness and to show that we are maturing and learning how to walk with Him. And like a child, I sometimes expect an incentive or a reward for my troubles. I search for that trophy that shows the world that I have overcome. But often it is not there. Most of the time the reward is that I get to grow closer to God and depend on Him more. This is an internal and eternal reward. This is worth more than a gold star or a cookie. And eventually I will let this be enough. Eventually I will grow up and learn that this is not a disappointment.

Me and My Lobsters

2010-06-07T22:16:00.005-05:00

Have you ever seen the Friends episode where Phoebe calls Ross Rachel's lobster? Well, if you haven't, you should. It's a really good one. The point behind this is that lobsters mate for life and finding the right one is like finding your perfect partner. It is a nice theory. But currently, I do not have a lobster. I am not even in the tank. But I do know what it feels like to have people in your life that "complete you". Even this statement is not entirely accurate, because I don't think anyone can or should complete you. But, it comes to close to what I want to say which is, in summary, that the people in my life are doing a pretty good job of fitting themselves together to form a wonderful picture of love and support around me.

Recently, I have been attending a Bible Study where we discussed the church as a body. In this study we talked about how everyone plays there own part in the larger whole. One is the arm, one is the knee, or the eyebrow... well you get it. And every person has a function that sets them apart from the others. Separate but equal. And I like this metaphor... A LOT. I think I like it because it represents that we are not alone. We are part of a larger body. And what is more is that it brings to the forefront that we are not meant to be alone. An arm by itself can not do anything, it is just a creepy appendage without use. But put it on the body and it holds a hand, swings a bat, cooks a meal, saves a life.

There is no doubt that I am what you would call a "people person". In fact someone told me yesterday that I get energized by other people. And this is a truth. A life without people just would not do. Do I sometimes get annoyed or irritated with these people in my life? Absolutely. But should I have the misfortune of being stranded on an island, all alone, I do not think I would stay sane for long. And what I love about this "body" analogy is that it can also be used to describe me and my life. If I were the body, then these people in my life make up the pieces of me. Now, we could get spiritual here and say, God is the essence of me. This is a true statement. But, I also think these people in my life are not here by accident. They are here for a reason and they are all individual ingredients to this delicious dish (thats right, I just called myself a dish). So, in honor of my friends and family, those people who I depend on, I want to acknowledge the role you play in my life. (this is by no means an exhaustive list)

Mom - you are my conscience. you always steer me in a direction that seems solid and safe. sometimes we agree on the course, and sometimes not. but you are there to guide without fail.

Dad - you are my heartbeat. there has never been a time when you were not steady and constant. I can always count on you to bring me back to equilibrium.

Sister - you are my breath. you keep me going, you warm me up, you are there when I am strained, excited or in need of peace.

Luke- you are my heart. you bring everything together for me. i feel your presence in all i do.

Sara - you are my eyes. i have seen so much life, humor and love through you. you have shown me friendship and beauty.

Cohorts - you are my funny bone. this is an essential piece of me. you keep me from taking myself too seriously.

Carly/Jacob - you are my ears. you have taught me so much about listening to the needs of others and going where you are needed. you have helped me to hear what i needed to hear when it mattered most.

Brook - you are my neck. you hold me up when i feel downcast. you help me to keep my chin up and my eyes on the prize. you are a great support.

Lars - you are my arm. you keep me reaching for more. you have taught me to be of use and to serve.

LeeLu - you are my mouth. i have loved every second of sharing my story and my life with you. you keep me laughing, sharing and speaking the truth.

Josh - you are my brain. you help me to sort things out and think things through. you have helped me realize there is a time to laugh, a time to cry, a time to lead and a time to follow.

Jeremy - you are my feet. you challenge me to go and be in the mix, not on the sidelines. you keep me on my toes and ready for movement.

Sylvia- you are my hands. you have taught me how to reach out and embrace life and to use what i have to make something beautiful. you have shown me to hold on to whats important and to find things to create and enjoy.

Jerry - you are my spine. you are always there when i need you. you bend over backwards to help keep me in line.

Jason - you are my stomach. sometimes you get me worked up, sometimes you get me laughing hysterically but you are an important piece. you have helped me "digest" the things of this life.

Of course there are more, but this list is getting long and my eyes and fingers are getting tired. If you are part of my life, you are an essential piece of me. If you know that you are loved by me, then know that you are part of what makes me who I am. I am grateful for you and I have humble gratitude for the kindness you show me in so many ways. Thanks to all.

It's All About Them Words

2010-06-02T15:52:00.002-05:00

Some people say that I have a way with words. And while I take this compliment and tuck it in my pocket, I do not always agree. But what I can say is that I love words. I love to rhyme them and sing them and write them and speak them to anyone who will listen. I think there is a power in words that can transform you, disarm you or destroy you.

Some words are full of a hope that can't be contained:
" When peace like a river, ascendeth my way. When sorrow like sea billows roll. Whatever my lot, Tho has taught me to say: It is well, It is well with my soul".

Some words are full of a pain so real that you can almost taste it:
" I remember whispering to you in the moments right before your final "ohhh" sound - I will hold to those promises for the rest of my life. "

Some words are said without thought, but you remember forever:
" You have the biggest arms on a girl that I have ever seen".

Some words bring you back to a moment in time:
" With this ring, I, thee, wed. "

Some words make you laugh until you can't see straight:
" We're the 3 best friends that anyone can have. Oh we're the 3 best friends that anyone can have..."

Some words are shared in a special moment and become a secret language:
"Cool as in neat, or cool as in greasy?", " You never do that.", " We braid hair."

There are times when I have heard the words:
" I just don't like you" or "Not everything is about you" and I literally felt wounded.

And then there are times when someone has said:
"You're a favorite", " I appreciate you" or "I love you" and everything makes sense again.

There was a time when what I wanted to hear was "it's going to be ok" and "we support you". But my true friends told me what I needed to hear instead, which was " I love you, but you're wrong". And this changed the path I walked and led me here.

I have loved reading the words my friends have written on their blogs and thoroughly enjoyed hearing their voice in the words they have chosen. I could tell you in a second which blog was Sara's or Beth's just by listening to the cadence of their words and they beauty and humor they infuse in them.

I can easily break into tears watching TV because of the words that are shared between two people in an emotionally charged moment. I feel it, because I can tell that they mean it. And maybe, just maybe, I have heard or meant those words before myself.

In my car, I can be transformed from a bad mood to a good mood based on what song is on the radio. I can become less distracted, more present or highly energized by the way a song mixes words with rythym.

My son is learning words and is attempting to make his own sense of them. Sometimes this translates into words like "stirp" for "stir" or "yarn" for "yawn". But it also comes out in the sweetest ways when he says: "It's a nice day" or "you look pretty".

There is so much that we say with words and so much that we hear in the words being said to us. I can spend hours practicing the words I want to use for an important conversation. I plan it out and edit the dialogue until I know it is flawless. But I tend to speak before I think when it matters most. And this is a bad, bad habit. Because clearly, this post is about the magnificence of words and the effect that they can have. Obviously words can and do break a few "bones" every now and then. But a perfectly timed word, said in the most sincere of ways can also make a day, a week or a moment.

p.s. if I used your words in this blog - and you know who you are - thanks for the inspiration and I hope you don't mind my plagarism.

Taking it All in

2010-05-31T21:42:00.002-05:00

"Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." - Ferris Bueller

I know it has been awhile since last I used these fingers to type a blog. I offer no excuses. Except maybe this one: I have been INSANELY busy. When you have school, work, exercise, mothering, church and social activities to jam into your calendar you can't see the sky for all the balls you have in the air. This has been me in the last month. I have loved every second of this new schedule but it has left me drained and deflated a number of times. There are days when I carely make it to the bed before crashing out, and this is at the ripe old hour of 9 o' clock. God has breathed new life into me and I am enjoying the people and things around me to the utmost.

Summer has brought heat, sweat and many reasons to SWIM! My little guy is a regular water bug this time around. Swimming has become a daily occurence, which is good since it is a free activity. And then there was finals, followed two days later with a week long trip to Mexico. We came back tan and rested. And now that this Memorial Day weekend has passed I have one more week of summer fun before starting work and summer classes. Like I said, things move pretty fast. But what a ride it is.

In the next couple of days I hope to find the time to write about our trip and a few other thoughts that are on my mind. There are a couple of topics that I have been dying to write about. So, while these are my parting words for tonight, there are many more diatribes to come.

It's good to be back my friends and I am excited to find my blogging groove again. Thanks for hanging with me. If you are still reading these words, let me know. Sometimes it feels like I write this for myself. Which is fine if that is the case. A little verbal dissection can bring much clarity.

Friends in Low Places... (and high places and everything in between)

2010-05-03T16:45:00.002-05:00

Some of you may not believe this, but I wasn't always the fun-loving, easy going person that I feel like I am most days. Once upon a time I was self-conscious and reserved and somewhat skeptical about people. You see, I had the worst thing ever happen to me when I was in 7th grade... I moved. And as any middle school child can tell you this meant social suicide. I was sad and angry and many other negative emotions. But, on that first day of school, in 8th grade, I found myself nervously walking to my first period class (I think it was math). At the beginning of class I was the new kid with braces and a Twist-A-Nerd pen that my mom gave me to make me laugh. By the end of that class, I was still all those things but I also had the beginnings of a new friendship. By the end of that year, I had the best friend I could ever have asked for. She is, amazingly, still my best friend today - 16 years later. And this was not an accident. This is how God works, not fate. God takes a "terrible" situation and makes it good. In fact, sometimes the purpose of the terrible situation is to lead us to this land of good, and sometimes better.

I have been blessed to have wonderful friends throughout my life. In my head, I categorize them into groups: college, terranova and CYS. If you know me, and consider yourself a friend, you likely fit into one of these groups. Some are cross reference friends and some were once dear but now distant. Like the saying goes: some friends are here for a season or just a reason. Whatever the length or depth of these friendships, they have all served a great purpose.

My college friends were with me when I truly found myself and started to actually like myself. These friends were there when I poured my foundation of salvation and built a faith on it, brick by heavy brick. Most of these people are still my biggest cheerleaders and allies. These are my go-to girls. No matter how long it has been, I can still share my heart completely with them and know it will be received.

My terranova friends have seen the rise and fall of my life in the front row seats. They have known me intimately through the changing of my many hats and stayed steadfast in their love and support. In my darkest hours, they have been brave enough to speak the truth. And while it hurt, it also made me believe in something bigger than myself and my professions of faith. These words of love showed me how to trust and depend on God.

And now, I have new CYS friends and they are just getting to know me. A lot of them don't know the facts of my past or the reasons why I am the way I am, but they are taking the time to find out. I came to them very broken and lonely, but also very willing to heal and step into that deep-end of new beginnings. What I have found with them is mercy and acceptance and genuine care. I am learning to let them in and to speak the truth in all things.

In all of these circles I have grown and learned how to be a true friend. I am blessed to know all of these people and feel honored to carry the evidence of a friendship with you in the person I am and the way that I live my life. Too often I think I have things figured out or summed up and I rely on my limited wisdom and confidence to get me through. But when it really counts, my friends have always risen to the challenge and showed their true colors. I recently found old albums and scrapbooks and looking back I see a life that was touched by others in the most remarkable way and it has made me glad in my heart. I had to tell you, as many of you read this, and the blogger world that I am better for having had you in my life. Many thanks.

And to my sister: who falls in every category and then some... you are a rock in my life and an anchor to my crazy emotions. You know me and love me in everything. You are the most hilarious person I know. Even though there are oceans of differences between us and the people we are, you are my greatest friend. You were obligated to love me based on your birth and blood, but you have chosen to love me as a friend. My heart is with you.

Stranger Danger

2010-04-26T14:52:00.002-05:00

Well howdy blogger friends! I know it has been a while and I offer no excuses this time. A lot of things are happening in my life that are very, very good. After going through a spell where things were pretty bleak, I wondered if I would feel good again. I hoped for it, and I prayed for it, but in the midst of it all it seemed a distant wish. That is the tricky part about feelings, they are only as strong as your current situation and surroundings. But facts, those you can rely on. And the fact of the matter was/is, that God IS good and blessings DO come. Even in the fire - but certainly on the other side of it.

And what I want to tell you is that things have been good for a while. This is not a new revelation, just a gentle reminder. It gets so easy to overlook the magnitude of your blessings and to coast through with a subconscious acceptance of them. But today I am feeling overwhelmed by the goodness in my life.

A couple of weeks ago, I became officially divorced. And while I understand your need to give condolences, please don't. Yes, it is sad that an institution ordained by God was ended by the will of man. I get that. And I am saddened that the wishes I had for my future did not happen. However, this is not a sad time for me. I soaked every step in prayer and waited for God to speak. And while I know He HATES divorce, I also know that He doesn't hate me for doing it. This is a gray area for a lot of people and I know it can be a hard pill to swallow. But... I feel 100% at peace with the way things have turned out and I know that in my faithfulness I have been set free. My faith led me through the desert to streams of mercy. And you know what? I was forever changed. God does provide, even in the wind and rain. And I found out that the saying is true: what doesn't kill you does make you stronger. Someone recently told me that we are not victims of God's will. And what that means to me is that there is a purpose in everything. And it is bigger and better than I can comprehend. It is not happening TO me, but FOR me. And this changes everything.

I often wonder about the choices I make and I do a lot of thinking and analyzing before I make them. It is the curse of women to evaluate and re-evaluate the meaning out of something. I worry sometimes about my son and how my choices will affect him. Even when you are certain of things, there is that doubt inside that threatens your peace. But over the weekend my son was with his dad and his grandparents and when they brought him back to me they gave me this treasure: my son randomly told them, "my mommy is happy". This was unprovoked and out of the blue. And it was also repeated several times. What a sweet and huge blessing to know that my good choices are having as much of an impact as the ones that I worry about. If my 2 year old can look and see that there is joy in my heart, then I know that I am seeking the right things. I am filled with awe at how God can shake up a life and strip it of certainty and rebuild something so much stronger and whole. It was a process and it will continue to be for my whole life. But the products of tasting and seeing are well worth it.

To all those who know me and the deepest desires and worries of my heart, thank you for your prayers and kindness. You have blessed me ten-fold by merely loving me through EVERY season of my life.

Bona Festa!!

2010-04-07T22:07:00.002-05:00

Today is my Blogger Birthday. I have been dishing on my thoughts and feelings for a year now. I admit that in the past few monthes I have been cheating on Blogger with my new obsession, Facebook. I am what you would call "late to the party" on the whole Facebook thing and since I started I have been addicted. I have found that I can say with one wall post a summary of what I would say on here. That being said, I still have a soft spot in my heart for blogging.

I have entered this new phase of life and I have met some amazing new friends. While they do not replace the comfort and familiarity of my old friends they are providing the support and encouragement I need right now. But I have also been challenged by them in certain ways. Yes, it feels good to open up and trust again and to share life - the good and bad- with others. However, with that there is also a temptation to become emotionally attached to people.

I have been there before. I have hung on the words of people whose opinion I valued greatly and I have been devestated when they inevitably hurt or disappointed me. And that is a slippery slope because it eventually leads to having others determine your worth. So, I am proceeding with caution. I am telling myself to trust in God first and others second, and third and fourth.

I realize that I am a person of intense emotion and it makes me feel better to share it with people. And this is a good thing. Life is meant to be shared. But there comes a time when it is just you and God and you have to trust that. So, I am going back to the basics. The good news is that I can share my feelings with you readers and not get attached. So thank you, faithful few, who still care what I have to say. I value your responses but I do not depend on it.

Meet Me at the Fair

2010-03-24T19:57:00.004-05:00

When I was younger, my family had season passes to Astroworld. And every summer we would get our money's worth in roller coasters, funnel cakes and photo souvenirs. I have really nice memories of going really fast or really high and getting so filled with adrenaline that I almost puked. I absolutely loved the thrill of being on the verge of having too much of something - whether it be too much speed or too many turns or one too many loop-de-loops. I liked that feeling of being slightly out of control. Of course I grew up to be a control freak, but a control freak who still loves a thrill. And while I remember lots of things about Astroworld, I don't really remember going to a fair when I was younger. I have seen them in movies and I know it is supposed to be a dizzying array of sights, sounds and smells. And as I have driven past parking lot carnivals in my adulthood, part of me still yearns to pull over and spin till I am dizzy. For that reason, and many others, I was delighted to look over and see a carnival on our way to Georgetown last week. This was not a shabby, shady carnival either. It was big and organized and the lights were shining and it was practically begging me to enter into its clutches.

So... we loaded up with Grammy and we went to the fair. Luke was enthralled the moment it was in eyesight. He was almost over-stimulated by all that the carnival had to offer. Still, we managed to ride everything that he met the height requirement for, some things twice. And I enjoyed every minute of riding those kid rides with him because I saw in his face a feeling that I recognized. He was enjoying the thrill.

There was a moment, when we got on the roller coaster, that I felt I might be pushing my two year old too far. But the ride started, we went over some hills and took a few curves and then I heard the wonderful sweetness of his laughter. He was loving it and I was loving how brave and reckless he was.

When you grow up it seems that there is so much to fear. There are a million reasons not to do this thing or that and they all lead back to fear. Fear of failure, of rejection, of not measuring up or looking like an idiot. There are so many things we don't do because we are afraid. So it was nice to look at him enjoying the moment without thinking twice. I envied him that ability to let go and enjoy.

It was fun and mommy even threw a few darts at balloons to win my son a cheap prize. Because what is a fair experience, after all, if there are no prizes won. And I certainly was living vicariously through him as I tried to give him the best carnival experience. You only get your first experience once and I wanted to make it a good one.

However, despite my best efforts Luke's favorite thing wasn't the rides or the prize he won... it was the $2 box of popcorn that we bought. Not only did he eat most of the box by himself, he carried it around with him as we walked through the carnival as if it was his most prized possession. I believe there were also some requests to take the popcorn on the rides with us.

And when we could manage to pry the box from his pudgy hands, the first thing out of his mouth when the ride was over was, " I want my popcorn". And days later, as we relayed the experience to my mom and dad, Luke remembered three things about the carnival: the carousel, the dragon and the beloved popcorn. Which brings me to another point: at what moment do we stop being so completely satisfied by something as small as a box of popcorn?

No Place Like Home

2010-03-22T22:54:00.008-05:00

I love vacations. And in my short life as a mother, I have had only two vacations away from my child. I can admit that it is pretty refreshing to be duty-free for a little while without having hands tugging and two-year old tantrums over seemingly insignificant things. I enjoyed taking off my mommy-hat for a few days to go and do grown-up things that do not require diapers and cutting food in to tiny bits and lugging toys around to keep him entertained.

I went to Utah and I skied for three glorious days. I saw little children on the slopes and I was grateful that wasn't me. I encountered mothers in restaurants with screaming babies and I enjoyed my silent meal. But... even though my time away was sweet, there was nothing sweeter than reuniting with my son yesterday. In two short years, my life has been molded around this little guy in ways I never thought possible. And yes, it can be draining and overwhelming to be "mommy" to someone who depends on you to meet all their needs. But there is also no greater joy than scooping them up in your arms, after some time apart, and breathing in their sweet scent. I spent the evening smothering him with kisses and repeating the words "I love you", just because it was in my heart.

I did not know what to expect out of motherhood. I had hopes and dreams but I did not know how much I would miss his sweet chubby hands to hold (the last remnants of infancy) or the crazy cow-lick on the back of his head. I could not fathom how I would crave his wet kisses or his tiny voice saying "I want to hold you". These are simple treasures that I store in my heart and take with me when I am away. I am so fortunate that I can get away and go and do things to recharge my battery. But I am more fortunate that I have a little person who captivates me and who feels like home.

Giddy Up and Yee Haw!!!

2010-03-13T14:14:00.004-06:00

This week is my Spring Break so I am off from both work and school. It is a treat, indeed. Luke and I were both sick last week and we weren't sure we were even going to make our trip to Austin. But he got over his fever right in time and we packed our bags and headed to visit his Grammy. After being cooped up in the house all week, it has been nice to be out and about. Luke was running a 103 degree fever for 3 days and we used that as an excuse to veg on the couch and watch movies. By Friday, he was more than a little anxious to get outside and have fun. So... we went to Wal Mart. He was very excited about going - mostly because he knew the chances of him getting a toy were very good. As we were getting dressed to leave, Luke decided to pick out his outfit. Usually he doesn't care what he wears and I just put him in something. But on this day, he cared. And since he had been sick, we let him have his way. Because of this, my mom and I ended up taking Sheriff Woody to Wal Mart.

Luke insisted on wearing the full ensemble - hat, vest and boots. He was a good cowboy and sat pleasantly in the cart for most of the trip. We got some looks and one lady said he had even made her day. I have been out before and seen a child shopping with their mom wearing a costume of some sort. And I would laugh to myself and think, "oh, how cute". But this was my first experience and I have to say that I still thought it was cute. Luke is forming his own opinions and gladly verbalizing them. I appreciate that so much because I remember not to long ago when all he could do was cry. Knowing what he wants and needs is so much better than having to guess. So, my cowboy did end up getting a toy.

And yes, it was a girl doll. But please don't judge me. It rounded out our Toy Story set and he just HAD to have her. Plus, real boys play with dolls.

Addendum

2010-03-05T22:18:00.003-06:00

So, I last wrote about high school and how we have a like-hate relationship. Well, after further thought I have come to another theory that will lead to some more painful admissions. I am pretty obsessed with teen dramas. It goes beyond watching the CW, although I do very much appreciate the things it has to offer. I also love Twilight and Mean Girls and anything that has to do with the high school culture. I enjoy Harry Potter and Percy Jackson and all of the angst that goes with growing up and finding your own. I like first kisses and new loves and all of those first-time feeings. I always considered this to be relatively normal behavior (for a girl at least). And then I wrote that other blog about higth school and the counselor in me took notice. One thing led to another and the next thing I know I am assessing my life and deciding that I have a high-school complex. This is not scientific or based in any concrete evidence, it is just a gut feeling. It seems that maybe my high school days were not fulfilling enough for me. Maybe I didn't particpate enough in school spirit or try hard enough to "make friends". And now, I am stuck living my high school days through someone elses eyes. It is possible that I am watching and reading these teenage lives with such vigor and excitment because they make up for what I was lacking. These stories complete me. Not really. I think it all boils down to the fact that I never stopped to enjoy it. I wanted so badly to go through it that I did not look around. I had blinders on and I missed just being a teenager. My parents are pretty thrilled that I took that approach and for the most part so am I. Still, I don't even own a yearbook. Not one, in the four years I went to high school. For me it is just easier, and more fun, to watch the CW and all the dramatic and highly implausible situations those crazy kids get themselves into.

Go Back to High School!

2010-03-02T23:16:00.002-06:00

Recently I watched the movie "Peggy Sue Got Married". In case you don't know, this is a movie about a woman who gets knocked unconscious at her ten year high school reunion only to wake up again back in high school. For me, this is my worst nightmare. I avoided my high school reunion like the plague. I was one of those people that did not peak until college. Therefore, my high school days are remembered as mere stepping stones. I was not popular or unpopular. I was an in-betweener. And what happens in the in between is that you coast through without anything major ever happening to you and without anyone ever noticing. I am not complaining, I liked having this status. I wasn't into parties or football games or making out in the halls. And furthermore, I sort of looked down my nose at those who did do those things. Let me remind you that it wasn't until college that I really let loose. I had friends, but they were few. Let me put it this way: I ate lunch with my younger sister and her friends, by choice, and enjoyed it. Even now I try to avoid going to places where I fear I will run into someone from high school. I want to avoid the awkward conversations and the pleasantries. The reason I am telling you all of this is because in some ways my high school days are revisiting me and I don't know how I feel about it. Through the marvels of Facebook I have made some contact with a few people that I was fond of in high school. And surprisingly, I have had a good time getting back in touch with these people. Remembering some of the better times has made me realize that perhaps I have chosen to focus on the negative of high school. I had some heartaches and some self-esteem issues and even a few embarrassing moments. But I did have some real friends during that time period who are still my friends today, ten years later. One of them is still my best friend.
There really is no point to this post, except that I am being reminded of my past in several ways right now and I am finding that this second look is offering a much different perspective. I am once again attending the church of my youth and I am seeing faces and people from another life entirely. I am getting reacquainted with old friends and discovering a new love for them. I feel like a different person completely from who I was in high school. Yet, when I realize how all of these great people were in my life then... I am so thankful for the path my life has taken. I have been a part of some incredible things and to have these people still around me, ten years later, as living scrapbooks of that is something really unique and wonderful.

I know I am getting wordy and I may be rambling a bit. But I am exhausted and it is 11:30 at night. I have been thinking of these things recently and I wanted to write them down. However, I am realizing that choosing this late hour to work on this task was maybe a mistake.

The Juggling Act

2010-02-24T23:01:00.003-06:00

Well, admittedly it has been a while since I wrote on my blog. I have a whirlwind life right now. Some of that is obligation: like school, motherhood and work. But some of it is of my own doing. I have made a choice to re-engage in life and to rebuild a support system that is here, all around me, in THIS place and time of my life. I have great friends and a wonderful family. But my friends are in Austin and Bryan and Dallas and a girl needs people other than her family to turn to. So I have set out to make new friends and to get to know people and let them in to know me. And I must say that it is working. I joined a Women's Bible Study and I also started regularly attending a Young Singles Bible Study and Sunday School Class. And lo and behold, I have made connections and found friendship here. And I have even discovered Facebook, but that is a whole other post. So all of this socializing, mixed with all of my other obligations and activities have made me pretty busy. But... here are the newsworthy things that are happening in my life right now:

a.) I am on the President's List at my college, based on my GPA last semester. At this point I am elibigle to graduate with honors. At my age, and with all that I have on my plate, this recognition feels pretty good.

b.) My grandma was diagnosed with cancer. The details have not been determined yet and I do not know anything more than that. Tests were done and results should be in before the week is out. It is an emotional time for my family but we are banding together.

c.) I have had 3 tests this week. I have learned that Biology is the devil and that online math isn't as easy as I thought it would be.

d.) I put a lot of time and energy into reading the Percy Jackson book series and as of yesterday I am finished. I enjoyed all five books and promptly passed them on to my dad.

e.) I am pretty disappointed in the first two episodes of American Idol. It is not my favorite show but these dud performances make it worse. I was truly hoping to enjoy it this season. But I am enjoying the last season of Lost. I still don't get it but I like to try and figure it out.

f.) Shopping is really fun, but only when you are shopping for toddler clothes. I have spent more money than I needed to getting Luke ready for summer. I am talking swimsuits, sandals, shirts, shorts, hats... you name it, I bought it. It is kind of an obsession. But with Easter around the corner I can justify it.

g.) And finally, my mom accidentally knocked my camera into the hot tub and I had to get a new one. Going without a camera for a few days makes you realize how priceless your pictures are and how nice it is to be able to capture your moments.

Well, that is me in a nut shell. I got a bunch of stuff going on and so many balls in the air. Sometimes I think it is too much too fast and I am afraid of spreading myself too thin. But, I am doing what I can and enjoying the journey.

Did I Stutter?

2010-02-15T22:12:00.004-06:00

Many of you are parents, and if you aren't then you at least know a kid or have been around one. And in that case, you know that they say the most honest and hilarious things sometimes. My little monkey has been chattering away lately. In fact, his teachers at school say that he jabbers non-stop. I love that he is expressing himself and that I don't have to try and read his mind to decipher what he needs and wants but sometimes all this talking leads to some rather strange conversations. Here are a few examples of Luke one-liners that have tickled my funny bones and, on occasion, made me stop and think:

Me: "Are you a boy or a girl?"

Him: "I a boy."

Me: "Is mommy a boy or a girl?"

Him: "You are just a mommy."

Me: "OK, but am I a boy or a girl?"

Him: "Mommy is just mommy."

This next conversation happened first thing in the morning as we were laying in bed trying to wake-up. Please note that there was nothing on TV and that prior to this we were silent.

Luke: "Mommy, I like girls?"

Me: "What?"

Luke: " I like girls."

Me: "Oh, that's good."

Me: "Let's play with your airplane."

Him: "Where are my kids?"

Me: "What kids?"

Him: "My kids. I need my kids."

Me: " I don't know where they are."

Him: "My kids are downstairs. Be right back."

Seconds later he came back holding several Little People boys and girls that do indeed fit inside the Little People plane.

This next scene happened at my grandparents house, in their backyard, on the swing set. They have two separate swings and Luke was sitting on one while I pushed him.

Luke: "Sit there, Mommy. Swing with me."

Me: "Mommy can't swing on that swing, it's for kids."

Luke: "Oh. Your booty's too big?"

Me: " Yeah."

And lastly, there was this little jewel that happened tonight as I was escorting him to his room for bedtime.

Me: "Let's go to your room and I will rock you."

Him: "I don't want to."

Me: "Go to your room. Mommy will come to."
Him: "You are bossy, Mommy."

Me: "I'm bossy?"

Him: "Yes. You are bossy."

His little words and thoughts are sometimes charming and sometimes cut right to the heart of your insecurities. But, it is so sweet to hear him speak his mind and discover his voice. And at times I think that he is the funniest and smartest kid on the planet. My baby boy is growing up and changing everyday. I can not believe that he is already two and a half. It truly does go so fast. One day they are little babies needing you every second of every day and the next day they are talking about girls and kids. I am in trouble.

Feels so Dog-Gone Good

2010-02-14T21:50:00.004-06:00

This is Jackson (left) and Shiner (right) and they belong to my sister and her husband. (Technically this is not a picture of Shiner but he looks an awful lot like that) It is fairly safe to say that these are both large dogs. And these large dogs are what dog-people call "inside dogs". Many of you may be dog lovers and appreciate dog stories. I am not a dog lover, nor am I a dog hater. I am dog-neutral. But I am using my sisters dogs to make a point about my life right now. So bear with me as I set this up by telling you two stories about Jack and Shiner.

In college my sister lived in a small apartment with a roommate and Jack. She often took him to the park nearby to let him run and play. On one occasion, Jack was running wild and free and my sister called him back to her. He bounded back at full speed and my sister panicked. He was heading straight for her and at the last minute she stepped to the right to dodge the blow. It seems Jackson had the same idea and the two collided anyway. Rachel was sent to the ground and had the wind knocked out of her. It is rumored that the force of his 85 pounds ramming into her at high speeds even cracked a few ribs. Jackson was unharmed.

On another occasion, Rachel and the husband took the dogs to a ranch to run and play. Shiner is a Great Dane so he is easily 150 pounds. In the midst of his running and playing he spotted a cow grazing. Shiner had never seen a cow before, so he was curious. But I guess he was also a little threatened by that cow because he took off at full speed and charged the cow right in the neck. He was sent flying through the air and landed with a thud on the ground. It took a few moments for Shiner to shake off the impact of his blow and he walked away shamed. The cow did not budge or seem phased by this assault and was unharmed.

In the last year, I have felt, at times, kind of like a caged animal. I knew that there was more beyond my situations and my environment, but I had put up some walls. I needed to feel safe and I needed to heal. I removed myself from harms way by controlling my environment and limiting my stimulus. It was a good life, but it wasn't life to the fullest. I got by and I even thrived, but I still longed for the wide open spaces of a life with possibilities.

In this new year I have felt free to open up and let myself run. I have jumped into ministry and Bible Study and have made some friends. I have said all of this before, but it is more than trying new things... it is opening myself back up to people and not being afraid of being hurt or rejected. I am learning that there is wonderful freedom in just letting life come as it may. It feels nice to enjoy my open spaces without worrying about the unforeseen dangers. I do feel like a dog that has been set free and is allowed to run and be uninhibited.

There is joy in just stretching my legs and running as fast as I can. I know this is a cheesy metaphor, but it seems about right. I am happy right now and I have finally gotten my joy back too. With this new energy and zest I am ready to tackle a few of my own cows and just see what happens. I may wake up dazed and defeated or... I might give it a few broken ribs. Either way, I am finding that seizing opportunities and enjoying the fun of living life is so much better than watching it from your safe place. Crazy things happen when you set something free that is used to being confined. The familiar is great, but sometimes a little adventure is good for the soul.

The Tribe Has Spoken

2010-02-13T23:08:00.004-06:00

Tis a new season of the TV show SURVIVOR. This is season 20, to be more precise. And it promises to be a really good season. They have brought back people (heroes and villains) from the past 19 seasons to compete against each other. As you know, my family loves to compete and loves to win. For these reasons we have started a Survivor pool. This Thursday was the premiere event and we got together for a launch party. I had so much fun watching this show with people who love it as much as I do. For me, this was better than the Superbowl. I actually care who wins this game, because if it is me I can win $170. That is some hefty change. For the party, I put my skills to use and made a chart. After the show, everyone received two photos of themselves and placed their bets.

Fire represents life in this game and so far we are all alive and well. It is anybodies game at this point. I am pleased with my chart and with my picks and I am hoping to take away the prize. I will keep you posted on my success in this game because I know you are riveted by the excitement in my life. To the 16 other people competing against me I wish you well. To everyone else... don't you wish you could play too?

No Time to Say Hello. Goobye.

2010-02-10T23:36:00.003-06:00

Sorry I haven't written in a while. But as this picture is trying to convey, i am having a busy week. Good, but busy. So I my blog is UNDER CONSTRUCTION right now and I will be working on it again really soon. No one erase my blog due to inactivity or anything (Sara). I have plenty of things going on and lots to say about them. But for now, I am going to bed. 6:30 comes quick when you aren't in the mood for waking up. What am I saying? It's late and I am obviously delirious. Stay tuned for more.

Keep on the Sunny Side, Always on the Sunny Side

2010-02-04T00:00:00.002-06:00

Thirty days are done as of today and I am officially yeast free. That is the hope anyway, since I have deprived myself of everything that I love to reach that very goal. I am 15 pounds lighter than when I started and I am feeling good and looking better than I have in a while. More energy, more stamina, more fit... turns out these last 30 days have been pretty good for me. I am eating better, running farther and sleeping better than I have in many years. Who knew healthy living could feel this good? I sure didn't. I was quite content with my ice cream and pizza. It sure is a heck of a lot easier to sit and veg out than it is to actually work on being healthy. And I don't care what anyone says - it is surely work. I am not one of those people who "looks forward" to working out. I may never be that person. But I HAVE come to appreciate the effects working out has on me - so I endure it. At any rate - I am feeling like this new me is feeling a lot better, physically, so I am going to continue on with the diet and exercise for a while longer and just see where it takes me. I have some goals for myself and for once I motivated enough to pursue them, legitimately.

I am feeling pretty good, mentally and spiritually as well. I am getting more involved in my Sunday School class (Life Group) and finding some friends there. Plus, I just started a women's Bible Study on Wednesday mornings where I am in a group with other mothers and that feels awesome. And lastly, I have a new Bible Study group (Home Group) starting this Friday night that I am going to check out. I am finally feeling like I have a life. I am not just Leslie, the mother. Or Leslie, the daughter. I am out there living life and finding my way. I am making friends and challenging myself. I am getting an education and making some money and feeling pretty great about who I am and what I am accomplishing. Everything is falling together for me and I feel like it is a new season of my life. Out with the old and in with the new. I have moved past the regrouping stage and I am now in the action stage. I am taking action towards the things that I want and need. And I think it is about time.

Working for the Weekend

2010-01-31T21:12:00.003-06:00

I love weekends. Weekends are for relaxing and unwinding and taking things slow. And nothing says relaxing like a family game night. Not exactly true, but still game nights are pretty fun. Or they can be... depending on who is playing and what games are being played. I am competitive and I like to win. Some might even say I am competitive to a fault. I just like to call it "passionate" about winning. Well, Friday night I kicked off the weekend right with a nice game night at my parents house. There were about 12 of us and we played around 4 games. I only won one game, but I came close in a few others. I had a wonderful team mate who is every bit as competitive as me. I appreciated her willingness to drive from Bryan to be my team mate - thank you BK. I think there is something so great about spending time with people just doing something fun and challenging. I love movies and all of that stuff but some of my favorite times have been sitting around a table playing a game or sitting in a hot tub just talking to my favorite people. I have amazing people in my life who I genuinely LOVE spending time with. I feel blessed to get to do that with both family and friends at frequent intervals. And what is also amazing is that I have had wonderful, in-depth conversations with these people as equally as I have joked and laughed with them. So, my hats off to those people in my life with whom I often find myself in company. You add something to my life and I am GLAD to know you. For my game night family I want to say... although I did not dominate this weekend there is always next time. And Brook- you can be my wing man anytime.

One Small Step

2010-01-27T14:55:00.002-06:00

Yesterday I did a pretty big thing. I drove myself to the District Clerk's Office and filed for divorce. On the way there I felt several things and it took me a few prayers and a few wise words from a friend to get it together. But I did eventually get it together and waited in line and filed the papers that are necessary to start this process. And let me be clear... I think it was time to start this process. And I feel quite certain that this is the action I need to be taking. While I am sad - for my marriage, my family and my dreams - I am also accepting of this as a closing of a chapter so that another might begin. I have had my share of praying, debating and talking to myself about this. It was not a decision taken lightly or decided on rashly. It has been a decision 14 months in the making. Because about 14 months ago, my marriage changed. And despite my best efforts, it was not something that could be fixed. It takes two to make a partnership work and one person just can't want it enough for two. So time moves on and feelings shift and realities take new shapes. This is unfortunate but it is also the way healing works. And I welcome healing. There was a time when I cried through this pain. And then there was a time when anger guided me through. And now, I am in the middle of acceptance. But before complete acceptance can come, there has to be closure. So that is the process I am in now. I am finding my closure. Of course there are pieces of me that feel guilt at officially ending something so important. And there are also feelings of fear about being a 29 year old divorcee with a child. I never thought that would be me. But this is my reality. This is what I have been handed. Now I must make the most if it. I have learned to trust that still small voice inside that is telling me that I can be free. I know I am just babbling on and probably sharing more than you want to hear. I think I wanted to be honest about what is going on and how it is affecting me. This is a huge part of my life - for better or worse. And if you know me and care about me then I want you to be involved in this and to know how and what I need encouragement for. So here it is... on the table. I am handling it well and looking forward, not back. Thanks for those of you who have supported me in this and been there when I needed to cry or talk or vent. you have made this journey much easier.

Back in the Swing of Things

2010-01-25T22:10:00.002-06:00

Well, I just read the blog of one of my college friends who is having major things happen in her life... she just had a baby!!! And that huge event sure trumps all of the small events and happenings that are going on in my life right now. But these small things are mine, and they are what God has given me THIS day and so I cherish them just the same.

I have started WORKING again. After taking several months off I am back in the saddle doing the substitute teacher thing. It is hard to get back out there and be on your feet all day. I miss naps. And comfy clothes and shoes. But I like money. So I guess it all balances out.

I also started school back up again. Three classes this semester. Biology, Foundations of Math and History II. It is starting off slow and manageable but any minute I feel like something unpleasant is going to hit that proverbial fan. Yuck!!

I am feeling some regret at working and being away from my son. I work 2 to 3 days a week so I know I am being dramatic. But I still miss all those hours of just BEING with him. And today, when I came home from another hard day I went to get him from nap and he cried when he saw me. He didn't want me, he wanted his Nana. And I won't pretend my feelings weren't hurt. I spent all day wanting to see him and thought it was reciprocated. But... instead, it took about an hour for him to want to have anything to do with me. That part was awful. But then we got to play hide and seek, cuddle in bed with a movie and build a fort under the kitchen table. That is life with a two year old. They are hot and cold. Most days I just try and keep up. But one thing is for certain, even a momma has feelings and although that little kid is just learning the ropes... they sure control your heart. And don't think for a second that they don't know that.

It's a busy week folks. And getting busier all the time. Let's pray for sanity, peace and rest. And on that note... I am off to bed. Before midnight for once. Hallelujah!!!

New Addiction Coming On

2010-01-20T23:12:00.002-06:00

I can feel it now. I am in trouble. I told myself I didn't need anything else to watch on TV. My time is too precious as it is and TV rots the brain. But then I did something on a whim that I can never take back: I DVR'd Modern Family... and I watched it. Not only that, but I loved it. Now I can't stop. I want to watch more. Now I am actually kind of bummed that I have missed so many shows and that I am coming in mid season. I have some catching up to do. Move over "How I Met Your Mother", this show is the funniest thing going right now. And my favorite? Phil. Hands down. The guy is so funny. Just look at his picture. He looks funny... and sort of creepy.

And if that isn't enough, he has the best lines. Here is a little example: "One more rule: have like three buttloads of fun". Oh, that guy kills me. Just wanted to throw that out into the blogosphere. I like Phil. I like Modern Family.

Get Out of the Bitter Barn...

2010-01-20T22:46:00.003-06:00

... and Play in the Hay!

Ok, so I didn't win either of my Golden Globe pools. That felt pretty lousy, considering all of the trash I was talking and the certainty I held that I would prevail. However, congratulations are in order for Carly and Debbie - both of whom will be getting a brand new book from me, stained with the tears of my defeat. I may me down but I am not out. I have already accepted an offer for an Oscar pool where I am sure my odds will greatly improve.

While we are talking about movies... let me go ahead and make a list for you. In December and January I saw my fair share of movies. Well, let's be honest, I saw my share and probably some of yours too. And of course I did some careful scrutinizing of these movies after every viewing. So, here are the list of movies I saw, in the order with which I enjoyed them.

1. Avatar - this might shock a few people

2. Invictus

3. It's Complicated

4. Brothers

5. Up in the Air

6. Sherlock Holmes

7. The Lovely Bones

8. Nine

9. Book of Eli

I don't have any globes to give out but I have my opinions and even if I am the only one who gives value to them, they are still mine for the sharing.

And the Winner Is...

2010-01-17T14:40:00.002-06:00

Do you know what this is? It is a Golden Globe. And mere hours from this post, the awards ceremony will take place and many Golden Globes will be awarded. I do consider myself to be "up" on the movie and TV industry and this season I have made it my business to be as informed as possible for the awards show. Why such an interest? Because this year I have not one, but two Golden Globe pools going on. I have one for family and one for friends and there are even prizes involved for the winner. Everything is always more fun when you make a game out of it. And so I did that, doubly. So whether or not you will be enjoying the awards show tonight, please know that I will be watching intently and keeping score. And who knows, tomorrow you may be hearing from a two-time winner in this very blog.

Dejavu

2010-01-11T22:59:00.003-06:00

You know that feeling you get when you put on a pair of jeans you haven't worn (or washed) in a while, and you find money in the pockets? Or when you wake up and realize you don't have to get up yet because your alarm won't go off for another two hours? Well that's how I felt today when I logged on to my college website to log in for the Spring term and I learned that classes do not start today, they start next Tuesday. Woohoo!! I had been mentally and emotionally preparing for another semester of hard work and dedication. But it seems I can put that off for another week. I was also trying to cut back on my napping to get back in "school mode". However, with my new knowledge firmly in place, I treated myself to a nice hour and a half nap without any remorse. Sometimes the unexpected turns out to be a pleasant surprise.

Unless, you are talking about weight loss. You don't joke around about weight loss. I don't really enjoy the process of losing weight. It requires untold amounts of restraint, sacrifice and sweat. These are all things I do not freely give. Therefore, when I commit to a plan that involves said things, I want to see results. I want to know that if I do a,b & c then d will happen. I like certainties. But as I have seen time and time again on Biggest Loser, the effort doesn't always equal the results. Sometimes you stall and hit a wall. I have been fully committed to this new diet and exercise plan. No cheating and no slacking. And yet, for two days I didn't lose any weight. In fact, one day I even gained some weight. Talk about being PISSED OFF. I felt cheated and robbed. OK, I may have even had a diva moment where I swore off the diet. It just really stinks to work so hard and still not get the result you want. It's like studying for a test and getting a C, fighting for your marriage and watching your spouse give up, or planning an event and then no one comes. All the hard work feels like it was for not. I wallowed in that and debated getting a spoonful of peanut butter just to shove it in my diet's face. But in the end, I collected myself and sat down to an egg and veggie breakfast and continued on with my normal routine. And I will have you know that this morning I stepped on that dreaded scale and I had lost 1/2 a pound. No more plateau!! I am rethinking the horridness of this diet. No, it still stinks. But when you see results it is decidedly easier to deal with it.

And now, cried Max, let the wild rumpus begin

2010-01-07T20:57:00.003-06:00

As I type this I am sitting on my bed, in my pajamas, watching a new Glee DVD and thoroughly enjoying this "chill" time. My new semester starts on Monday and so I am painfully aware of how few chill moments I have left until May. Oh, and did I mention that it is 8:45? It is a miraculous chain of events that leads to my son getting into bed and asleep before 9:00. I guess I can thank the new girl in Luke's MDO class for not being a "napper" and only allowing my son a 30 minute nap instead of his usual 3 hour nap. Thanks, new girl.

Day 4 of the new diet and already 4 pounds down. It's a pretty good feeling and it almost makes up for all the bad feelings I have about not getting to eat the things I love. As it turns out, not being able to eat anything but meat and veggies sure highlights the bad eating habits you have. It literally took all of my inner strength to eat my organic salad today while my son ate a mouth-watering grilled cheese and french fries. Self-restraint is so hard.

Luke has had a bit of a rough week so far. The cold weather has kept us indoors which means his inner wild-man comes out in random ways that leave me screaming in my head and clenching my jaw in anxiousness. We are having some trouble right now with listening and telling mommy "no" at every chance he gets. This supremely tests any patience I can muster up and makes me pretty angry. Tonight he was put in time out twice within a five minute span. Some lessons are hard to learn. But... on the other hand, when I got the hiccups tonight he quickly caught on and started fake "hiccuping" alongside me. He was so proud that he was hiccuping too which made me laugh so hard. That, and he also went up to Chloe and said, " Hi Chloe, how are you today?". Oh, Chloe is my mom's anti-social beagle. Kids do say the darndest thing sometimes.

And to wrap up I want to make a list. You know I love a good list and this one comes more from my stomach than my brain. Tonight, at dinner, my mom and dad and I had this little discussion about the best french fries in the fast-food universe. While it is true that we were fighting a major carbohydrate craving, the list is still a valid list. And trust me, we were really thinking about it.

The Top 5 Fast-Food French Fries

5. Chik-fil-a

4. Sonic

3. McDonald's

2. Jack in the Box

1. Arby's

Ummm! Yummy!! I can almost taste the deep-fried salty goodness. But alas, I will wake up and have eggs (yet again). But make no mistake, tonight I will probably be dreaming of dancing fudgebars and twirling Dr. Peppers. Darn you, sweet tooth!!

Too Much of a Good Thing

2010-01-05T22:10:00.006-06:00

When last we spoke I was telling you all about my Christmas. Yes, it was awesome. And the New Years celebration that came after it was equally as awesome. It was low key (as far as New Years celebrations go) but still fun. My wonderful friend Brook drove up from Bryan and we went to see a movie, ate some Mexican food, played some games and drank some champagne. And when the clock struck midnight we toasted. Two of us toasted to turning thirty and all of us toasted to getting healthy.

And to that effect: I started a new yeast-free diet yesterday. I am both starving and killing the yeast in my body. Don't worry, this is supposed to be a good thing. Apparently if you have too much it slows down your metabolism and makes it hard to lose weight. So... I am ridding myself of these toxins by avoiding sugars, flour, vinegar, dairy and fruit. For 30 days. Basically I can eat protein and veggies. So far it has been hard to fight the cravings but I have prevailed. I am learning to love eggs, fish and bell peppers in a rotation. As of this morning, I have lost 1 pound in 1 days. Losing weight is not the goal but it is a nice bonus. Here's to 28 more days of eating right and hoping that it sticks.

Christmas Edition

2010-01-01T19:09:00.006-06:00

12 Things I Did for Christmas:

1. An ornament exchange

2. A treasure hunt

3. Made Gingerbread Cookie

4. Sang Christmas Carols

5. Snuck into a Movie

6. Ate Peppermint Ice Cream

7. Saw 5 Movies

8. Played 3 New Games

9. Drank Champagne

10. Cleaned up Loads of Wrapping Paper

11. Ate Monkey Bread

12. Looked at Christmas Lights Twice

It was a magical time for us. It seemed like my favorite time of year just flew by. Luke enjoyed his presents and the attention he received when opening them. He was a real trooper and handled the events of the morning like a pro. And this week has been one long play time filled with him running from one new toy to the next. It seems he has completely forgotten the old toys and is obviously favoring the new. Oh how quickly we forget. But since the hubbub of Christmas we have been pretty relaxed around here. There have even been a couple of days when we didn't make it out of our pj's. Those are the good days. I received a ton of gift cards from family folks and ended up with a nice stack of new books. Admittedly, I am in a vacation mind-set and schedule. Which means I am staying up late reading or watching "How I Met Your Mother" and I am taking all the naps I can. I had three goals for my Christmas break: exercise all I can, nap all I can and read all I can. So far so good on all counts. Getting back in the daily grind will be tricky indeed. But like any good procrastinator would, I am putting that challenge off for another couple of days.

3 days left

2009-12-22T21:17:00.002-06:00

I am so excited for Christmas this year. My son is old enough to be able to do it up right. He can open his own presents and get excited about them. Its not just about the boxes and paper this year. In fact, we have all the presents wrapped already and he is certain that they are all for him. Lets hope he isn't too bummed when reailty hits. I am getting excited about holiday parties, ornament exchanges and Christmas morning breakfast. I never got to open any presents on Christmas Eve and I always wanted to. So... I am living vicariously through Luke and letting him rip into an early present.

What I am most excited about is getting to see friends and family. I truly love being with my family. Not just out of obligation, but out of genuine fondness for their company. How many people can honestly say that? I feel so blessed. And I just came back from a Christmas with friends that was so fun and amazing. There is just so much to be happy about that it makes the other stuff just seem less important. All the stresses and dilemmas and otherwise negative things just get put into perspective when you think about the people and love in your life. Anyway, I am getting ready to give and receive and we are moving our candy cane through the days of the advent calendar. We even have a paper chain that we use to count down the days. We don't mess around. We count down twice so that we are completely sure we have the right day. The spirit of Scrooge tried to get us down today because the lights on our pre-lit Christmas tree quit working, my mom has a bad cold and I nearly broke my leg today (it was no where near that actually). But we are rising to the challenge and remembering what is important.

Good night dear friends. In case I don't post again before the big day... MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! May yours be filled with laughter, love and the Lord.

Leslie

Repeat the Sounding Joy

2009-12-17T23:16:00.003-06:00

There are 7 days until Christmas and I am hunkered down into the holiday spirit. I love this time of year, the decorations, the movies, the songs and the sweaters. Recently I went looking at Christmas lights and I was in awe and wonderment. And this year, the holiday joy is rubbing off on my son too. He has gotten interested in the holiday classic movies like Rudolph and, his favorite, Frosty. With so much merryment going on I am feeling the need for a list. This is a list of all the things that are making my days merry and bright lately:

1. Luke singing the words "Frosty, the snowman" over and over again. Just that sentence. And it is even better when he is supposed to be sleeping and yet all you hear is "Frosty, the snowman" on the monitor as he tries desperately to evade sleep.

2. I got all A's this semester in my classes. My current GPA is a 4.0 and that feels FANTASTIC! I wondered if I still had it in me and I guess I do. Once a nerd, always a nerd.

3. My Christmas shopping is done and I do not have to fight the crowds anymore. Although, my sister did have me on a scavenger hunt through every local Wal Mart and Target trying to find my brother-in-law the perfect gift.

4. Luke had a Christmas party at school today and I got to attend. It felt nice to be one of those moms who can enjoy school things with their kids. Seems like next year I won't get these opportunities so I am seizing them now.

5. I sent out Christmas cards and they were really cute this year. I will admit, the model was decidedly harder to get to cooperate this year but he was still a delight.

6. I don't have any more homework and so I am getting to read fiction books and take naps.

7. I am getting to see some movies I am really excited about like Brothers and Blindside. And also some movies that are older but still good like An Affair to Remember and Kramer vs. Kramer.

8. The most exciting seasons of So You Think You Can Dance and Survivor.

9. The new John Mayer cd. And an IPOD full of Glee music.

10. My son getting on the fireplace and dancing and singing. That boy can shimmy and shake.

And then there is this:

I am working out more. I have a goal to be able to run 6 miles straight. Currently, I am still working on 1 mile. But this body of mine is for sure getting older and harder to whip into shape. Two weeks of working out and my hip hurts, my knee pops and I have a huge blister on my foot. It sure makes for some good excuses not to work out but I am still going strong. "Can't nobody hold me down. Oh no. I've got to keep on movin'."

Tacky Schmacky

2009-12-15T21:21:00.004-06:00

This weekend there was a huge event in town. Well, "huge" might be an exaggeration, but it was an "event". And it was huge in some circles, like my family. My sister, and her husband, hosted the first annual Tacky Sweater and Triathlon Party at their house.

Let me specify what the triathlon was about: it was 3 partner events, replete with their own single-elimination brackets: washer toss, darts and beer pong. I am not a master marksman, which means that I can throw things at large targets, and actually hit a few times, but when it comes to precision throwing or tossing I am at a loss. Therefore, myself, and my wonderful partner in suckage, Brook, did not make it past the initial rounds.

Now, that is not to say that we didn't make a few nice shots here and there. But I can be a good sport and for this one night I actually was willing to just sit and watch. There were some awesome victories and near wins and at the end awards ceremony there were some sure-fire surprises, namely that my parents placed in all events with a first or second place. What?!?

Talk about a proud moment for a child. Watching my parents place second in a beer ping tournament was a touching moment indeed. Another source of pride for me was the all-out effort that was put into the sweaters. My family does not do anything half-way and that was apparent in the sheer imagination and creativity that went into the sweater purchasing and making. It made for some hilarious photos and memories.

The Wednesday Run Down

2009-12-09T13:36:00.004-06:00

Ok, so its Wednesday and it's also finals week for me. With 3 exams already under my belt, I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. One more, on Friday. So, I won't trouble myself, or you, with a list today. My brain is fried already. It can not possibly use enough energy to put together a list, no matter how random.

This week, my son has had some trouble in the sleeping department. Its not normal and it certainly is making for some nice attitudes in this house. My hypothesis was that he was not getting enough energy out during the day with the weather being what it is. So I have been on a mission to wear out my son. Today we drove 40 minutes on the other side of town to try a new place. It was called the Stomping Grounds and it was awesome. I would go back in a heartbeat. $5 for hours of play that exhausted my son is a definite bargain. Pictures to follow.

And lastly, what would a Wednesday blog be without a So You Think You Can Dance shout out? Last night was a great episode with several awesome dances. And while I am still honing my prediction skills I am willing to take a stab at it. My votes were scattered but I think that are reflective of the general public. That being said, I think the following people will be in the bottom four:

Ryan

Ashleigh

Ellenore

Russell

Unfortunately, I think that Ryan and Ashleigh will go home. If Ashleigh pulls out the sympathy vote then Ellenore will be out. I wish it wasn't Ryan but I think it is. Legacy and Russell just have huge numbers in their side. I guess we will see who is right.

Good Deeds and Foolishness Run Amuck

2009-12-06T22:21:00.004-06:00

I am fairly certain that my son is going to be something great in this world. He will change lives and lead the way in world peace. Ok, so these are lofty goals but they are not born from nothing. Earlier this week, my son and I partook in some all-American do-goodedness that he took right to. I had promised my son a trip to the park, in the cold, as a reward for helping me make Christmas gifts. As we were enjoying the park, two dogs came running up the busy street. We convinced them to come over to us and of course Luke was automatically in love. They followed us home and we took them in and gave them water and warmth. They were with us for about four hours and Luke was worried sick about them every minute of that time. He wanted to pet them and chase them and play outside with them. It was pretty sweet, actually, how devoted Luke was to those strange dogs and how much he wanted them to "find mom". My heart swelled with pride to see such compassion in action and to witness such joy on his sweet face.

And now for the foolishness I promised. This Christmas season I wanted to start a new

tradition. So I instituted a Dinner & a Movie schedule which involves a movie and dinner every weekend until New Years. The catch is that all of the movies are Christmas themed. Trust me, I have it all planned out. So far we have only had one movie, and it was Elf. Our dinner was spaghetti and meatballs, without the syrup, and peppermint ice cream for dessert. We listened to Christmas music, drank wine and sang karaoke. And of course, there were accessories to wear. I labored over making elf ears which turned out looking more like donkey ears or "mouse ears" (as Luke says). Either way, it was a sight to behold. It was a fun night and an excellent start to a new tradition. Dinner & a movie #2 plays next Sunday. It promises to be another night to remember.

Joining the Snow Brigade

2009-12-05T14:07:00.003-06:00

Everyone is posting about snow these days. Because lets face it, snow is headline news in Texas. And here, in my part of the big H-town, we were blessed with snow as well. It lasted from 8:30 to about 3:30 and of course, it was a BIG deal. Unfortunately, at our house it never stuck. But it was still a unique experience that Luke and I got to enjoy together. It was a vast improvement over last years minor snowfall, when the sheer coldness of it made Luke cry. This year there were mittens and hats to block out the cold. And because of this, he did not want to go back inside. It was poor mommy who could not handle the cold and forced us inside for some warmth. However, like a good mom always does, I had my camera on hand to capture some of the fun. It was a magical day full of sweet, magical moments in the snow. So even though our snow day pales in comparison to the ones that other Texans are experiencing this week, we took every advantage of it. Who knows, we may not see it again for another 5 years.

Another Weird List

2009-12-03T11:56:00.003-06:00

I know that today is Thursday and not Wednesday. But I have a weird list that I just had to share. I did not make this list up, it was an official list that I found. Actually it is a list of rules for the annual Santa Games held for Kris Kringles from around the world to compete for the title of Best Santa. I found this list to be kind of hilarious so I wanted to share it. Apparently, to be considered for Best Santa:

1.Santa has to be nice to everyone, especially children.
2.Santa has to be completely sober.
3.Santa [suit] has to be clean and looking its Santa best (red or gray and white)!
4.Santa can have a big beard, but not a silly mask.

Here is another wacky list for ya. In the Santa Games the contestants compete in:

1.Chimney climbing

2.Porridge eating

3.Kick-sledding

4.Reindeer racing

5.Gift Wrapping

6.and something called Santa's Christmas Eve

Who knew? I surely did not. We don't pay too much attention to Santa in our house. We don't even visit him in the mall. But even I can appreciate a good competition. So here's to the Santa Games and this years winner, Jim Chan (from Hong Kong).

I got Disco Fever

2009-12-02T13:48:00.006-06:00

Well, not really. I don't like disco all that much, actually. It is my least favorite genre of dance on a show that features many genres. Of course, I am talking about So You Think You Can Dance. It is back on and I have been slacking in my coverage of this show that I love. But, now that its down to the top 10, I am ready to share my opinions. I have been voting, so I am doing my part to keep hope alive for the ones I like most.

So far, my favorites are as follows:

And they are, from left to right: Kathryn and Ellenore, Jaokb and Legacy.

Tonight I think these people are in trouble:

My vote for who should go home:

Mollee and Nathan

But I think that these people will go home:

Nathan and Noelle

365 Days of Change

2009-12-02T13:11:00.003-06:00

Today marks the one year anniversary of the day my husband left and our marriage, and my life changed. It was a day like any other day and yet it forever changed all the days that came after it. My life since that day has been an ongoing process of healing, bleeding, healing, bleeding, healing and scarring. To say that I have walked through this changed is an understatement. I have been more than changed, I have been transformed. I had to put some serious money where this big mouth of mine is when it came to living what I preach. I hope I fared well in that department. What I do know is that I picked myself up, put the pieces back together and started my life anew, with the tools that I had left. It was hard and I relapsed several times but it did not define me or defeat me. I won't lie though, I woke up today and felt somewhat sentimental and reminiscent. That was a huge part of my life. I cherished my role as wife and mom. But... God closes doors just as surely as He opens them. He gives and takes away. This life of mine is so short and I want to live it and not tolerate it. So, while it has been sad... it has also been full of searching and finding. I have found myself, inner strength, faith and hope. This path I am on now feels really good. I have got one more week of school until the end of my first semester. One step closer to starting my new career. I love this life. It is flawed and it is fleeting, but it is mine. I have this supportive family, some loving friends, a church I am enjoying, a son I adore and a future that is hopeful and full of promise. All of this is my way of saying that I welcome today. It sort of ends the circle of a year I am glad to finish. Lessons learned. Hearts broken. Faith tested. And I survived.

2009-11-25T00:08:00.004-06:00

As a parent, there are good days and bad days with your child. Of course, for most, the good far outweigh the bad. But every once in a while you experience a GREAT day with your child - a series of moments that you will hold in your heart forever and remember on those bad days. Today was one of those days for me. It wasn't because we went anywhere special, because it was a day of running errands. And it wasn't because anything remarkable happened - it was because of the little things. Whether it was my frame of mind, my attitude or his - it all worked today and by the end of the day, as I rocked him before bed, I could not help but cry in gratitude for my sweet baby boy.

I love you, little boy, because you give me hope in the hard times and you fill my heart with joy. You are a light on my dark moments and the laughter that fills my days. You have shown me more about who God is and why He loves me than anything else I have encountered in my 29 years. You are sweet and kind and loving beyond condition. Little boy, you have been my reason for trying harder, standing stronger and trusting more. When I was tempted to give in, your love for me and your faith in me to provide for you and keep you safe and lead the way, made me keep going just a little farther. I am so proud of you, my little boy, because you are growing in to a happy, confident and loving person. And today was a great day, my love, because I spent it holding you, laughing with you, watching you and playing with you. I love you for all that you are, and I thank you for allowing me to be super-mom in your eyes, even with all my faults. I am thankful for you, everyday, in every way, even in your terrible tantrums and stubborn fits. Today, little boy I am thankful for:

the way you lovingly touch my face when you need to be comforted, the way you pat my hand as you are starting to fall asleep, the sentences you are starting to speak, your willingness to "help" in the kitchen, your sweetness when you cracked the eggs on the floor, our "I love you" shouting matches, your firm hugs in the grocery store, your sweet songs in the car, your need to have me see everything you see and do everything you do and the simple fact that you want me where you are. For all of these reasons, and so many more, you make my cup runneth over. Little boy, you have changed my world.

Love,

mommy

So, today was a GREAT day. It was made even sweeter by the knowledge that he is leaving tomorrow to spend Thanksgiving with his dad. And I will miss him every second. Luke used his big boy potty today and was so excited when he did. Nana, Paw Paw and I celebrated like idiots and Luke could not stop grinning. These dorky parent-moments make every day so interesting and exciting.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I hope you enjoy your family, friends and feasts.

You've Got a Friend in Me

2009-11-22T23:16:00.002-06:00

This weekend I was Dallas-bound for a little R&R with the best friend and her fabulous family. Her family recently added a new addition about 5 weeks ago and I was anxious to hold that little guy. So I committed myself to driving the 4 hours it takes to reach their house. It is not the best drive ever, especially when you are travelling solo. But my ipod and one Mr. Nicholas Sparks helped considerably on that front.

I had expected a stay-in weekend of baby cuddling and girl-talk. However, the Skaggs had other things up their thrifty sleeves. We had not one, but two nights of activities. It was fun to get out and about in Dallas and to explore the DBU campus and the downtown holiday festivities. And the other perk was that I got to hang out with some old UMHB friends that I hadn't seen in a while. There was laughter and Cattan-playing and some Christmas Merryment.

I arrived home today, ready to see my toddler and excited about the week ahead. A few more days of school and then a long holiday weekend. I can't believe there is only 2 weeks left of school. The countdown begins. But before I sign off for the night, and cozy myself into bed, I want to leave you readers with a brief rundown of why I love the Skaggs family.

- They are a back-to-the-basics family that is not showy or fancy in any way.

- They laugh at all of my jokes and make a few of their own.

- They are honest about everything and are accepting of your honesty as well.

- They are models of how a healthy family runs and operates on the day-to-day.

- They are the same in public as they are behind closed doors.

- They know how to save a buck.

- They are easy to talk to.

- They know my past and are not afraid to make fun of me for it.

- They know what they like and aren't afraid to ask for it.

- They value their friends and make every effort to hold them accountable.

So there you go. Some good reasons that explain why I would be willing to drive 4 hours, alone and in the rain, to spend the weekend with them. Plus, they sort of asked me (in a round about way) to write a list on my blog about them. Doesn't make it less true though.

Oh, My Starry-Eyed Surprise

2009-11-20T00:06:00.005-06:00

Well, today was a first for me. Today, I was one of those proud parents that watches from the stands as their child performs. By "perform" I mean in the traditional two-year old sense, which is to say... just standing there and looking cute. There was singing and gesturing, both of which my son tried. However, he was only half-committed. The rest of his commitment was devoted to looking around, waving and watching the older kids perform. But that is how it is supposed to go, right? I mean, don't all parents expect to sit through these things at some point or another? Well, this was a first for me and I loved every minute. I had a smile from ear to ear as I watched him do his thing. In that moment I was proud to be one of the many parents with a camera plastered to their face.

He entered the place with an air of confidence and poise that quickly crumbled once he saw Nana and I in the front row. While his excitement was adorable, the lack of attention and focus was a weighty challenge for his teachers. It took a bot to get him in place and ready to engage. And once that goal was achieved, it was short-lived. It didn't take long for my little guy to turn around, sit down and stare blankly at everyone else dancing and singing.

But when he did get the moves out, they were riveting. Although they were a bit delayed, they completely captured my heart. And yes, I was mimicking the moves very animatedly in my seat in an effort to get him motivated. Let me say that it did not work.

What a great morning. My journey as proud parent is just beginning. Here is to many more "shows" to come.

And now for something completely unrelated:

PawPaw found a wonderful hiding spot for Luke that is conveniently portable. All you have to do is look at his face to know how much he loved this game. In fact, the next day he carried the luggage from PawPaw's closet all the way to the kitchen, banging it on every surface along the way, just to show me how he can get inside.